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#211565 - 03/18/08 10:16 PM Mourning and Hurting
bikergary Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 32
Loc: Nevada
Not sure where to begin but here it goes. This may all sound a bit confusing. Have been dealing with my SA issues a lot of years and am pretty strong and stable overall. Am in my 50s and started getting memories back of the SA when I was about 25. Will add that it has always been difficult for me to cry.

Thursday early afternoon while at work I got a phone call that a very close friend has only 8 months to live as their cancer has returned with a vengence. That hit me like a ton of bricks and I had go out to my car and totally broke down for a while.
Friday afternoon I was cuddling with my very special person. We met only a few months ago but have grown very close. We both love to cuddle and have a wonderfully affectionate relationship, physical and emotional. I realized it was the 2 year old me that was so enjoying the closeness and affection and affectionate (non sexual)play.
Saturday I was alone and I totally broke down several times and realized I was probably mourning several things. Sunday was better but nearly broke down at the gym and not sure what triggered it. Let me repeat, I am a guy that finds it very difficlut to cry. I think the relationship is bringing a lot of buried things to the surface. I think I am mourning the love and affection I never had, and all that the SA robbed me of. Mourning never having a childhood because someone decided to use me as a sex toy from before the time I was old enough to roll over. My friend is wondrfully understanding and had experienced some SA too but his job is so stressful right now I don't want to burden him down especially with the limited time we have together. Although I have some good friends I don't know who to talk with right now as this is pretty heavy stuff. How long should I expect this mourning period to last? This has hit me by surprise. I am not even sure what all I am mourning. Am curious of expereinces others have had.
Gary


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#211567 - 03/18/08 10:38 PM Re: Mourning and Hurting [Re: bikergary]
johnnymike Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/08/08
Posts: 51
Loc: Central Ohio
Mourning the bad news about your friend may have opened you up emotionally and you are now mourning the loss of your innocence. I had a dream once where I was giving custody of a 2 1/2 year old and was the happiest I had ever been. I have never been so happy befroe or since. Then something tragic happened and he died. I have never felt so much pain. I awoke in so much physical and mental pain that I thought I was going to have to call off from work. I mourned the child for weeks and oddly I felt I knew what parents who have lost a child felt. Talking about this dream a few knowledgeable people felt it represented the death of my innocence. You may be mourning the death of your innocence.


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#211569 - 03/18/08 11:06 PM Re: Mourning and Hurting [Re: johnnymike]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Gary,
This can last days, or weeks but the good thing is that your feeling. Your crying.The dam has broke your at last starting to deal with emotions that have been repressed for a long time. It will stop eventually but you will find I think that after all is done you will have the ability to feela and will be able to cry or laugh or sympathize or just enjoy a new depth to your personality. An ability to empathize and genuinely feel an honest emotional range. This is a good thing even though it is disturbing and feels bad at times. Welcome to the human condition.


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#211628 - 03/19/08 06:30 AM Re: Mourning and Hurting [Re: Freedom49]
bikergary Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 32
Loc: Nevada
Thanks to both of you. I know the end result will be good and I need to work through it all and not hinder the healing process. I have realized that as a result of the SA I am a more compassionate empatyhic and understanding person.
I realize I am mourning more than just my friend and that was the trigger to much more. Unfortunately I feel I have to go thru this alone like I have most major crisis in my life.
Thanks again guys. Your understanding is a big help.

_________________________
WoR Alumni - Hope Springs, Oct 23-25, 2009

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#211729 - 03/19/08 04:51 PM Re: Mourning and Hurting [Re: bikergary]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Gary,

Before I started dealing with my CSA issues I couldn't get emotional about my stuff. I was empathic and compassionate to other peoples problems but not to my own.

After I started dealing with my CSA issues I had never cried so much in my life as I did in those first couple of weeks of seeing a good therapist. I mourned the loss of what might have been; all the woulda, coulda, shoulda's. I came to understand that I deserved the same compassion as I had given others.

If you don't have a therapist look for one. Use the guides on the home page to look for one in your area. I tried to 'do it myself' for years and years but I didn't have the right tools. A good therapist will teach you the tools to deal with your grief. I think that I have become a much better person for having dealt with my past.

Take good care of yourself; you have a lot of supportive friends here.

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#211833 - 03/20/08 06:44 AM Re: Mourning and Hurting [Re: Stephen_5]
bikergary Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 32
Loc: Nevada
Thanks Steve,
You are right, I mourn for others but not for myself.
I travel with my work which makes it difficult to see a therapist but hopefully that will settle down soon. I have hesitated to see one since many years ago I was told by one that I couldn't possibly remember things that happened when I was 2 1/2 but if the SA did happen it was because I asked for it. Just what I needed to hear when I already had major trust issues.
I know there are some good ones out there though.
Gary

_________________________
WoR Alumni - Hope Springs, Oct 23-25, 2009

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#211836 - 03/20/08 07:52 AM Re: Mourning and Hurting [Re: bikergary]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I too was emotionally numb before I started dealing with the csa,
may be you will find a good T that can help you understand its not your fault. no child ever asks to be abused. Once the dam broke for me I was crying all over the place all sorts of things triggered it. IT was very healing and I don't stop it anymore unless I am some place I can't, then I find a place I can. Its hard for me right now because I'm on medications for a few things and they have made a change that did not work so I am just starting to level out after 3 days of confusion. I wish you well on your journey of recovery.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
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