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#211651 - 03/19/08 09:32 AM Thinking about Little Me
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
I am starting this thread with several things in mind. One is that I just returned from a very powerful weekend in which I was keynote speaker at a conference in honor of the professor who was my first teacher. Instead of talking about his books and teaching, I talked about how he literally saved the life of a kid lost in alcohol and drugs and who even didn't know there could be such a thing as a safe adult.

Another thing that gets me going is a recent post where one of our brothers expresses his guilt at being gang-raped as a boy.

A third is that I like to start threads that help us see ourselves for who we really were: innocent defenseless boys. That's easy to see in others, of course; I have never seen any survivor here tell another guy, "You deserved what you got". But when it comes to ourselves it's different. We are accustomed to bearing the blame and shame, and it's difficult to see our own innocence.

So maybe we should look at this. If you think it will help, look back to the kid you were when the abuse began. Start with the heading "Little Me" to emphasize what you're doing. Then talk about things. Just a short paragraph. You don't have to agonize over anything, and if you begin to feel overwhelmed, just stop and post what you have. How tall were you, what did you like, what did you wear, what were your hobbies, what were your fantasies? Try to come to terms with the reality of what being a defenseless kid meant for you.

If you can, end your paragraph with "I was just a kid". That may be difficult, but see if you can do it. If you can, how does that feel? Don't post about it right away - just think about it. If you can't do it, that's okay. Leave it and maybe come back to it later. But look at other responses and ask yourself this: How can it be that all the others were innocent and the only guilty one is me?

Okay, here's mine:

Little Me: I was 10 years old and about 4 feet tall. I was skinny back then and weighed maybe 65 pounds. My heroes were Roy Rogers and Superman and I saw them both as magically powerful. I loved TV, of course, and my favorite shows were Disneyland and cartoons. My little sister Betsy would come and flop into my lap and we would watch Roadrunner. I read Hardy Boys books and old adventure books like Treasure Island. I liked furry footed PJs and I slept with my "Covie", a crib blanket that my Dad rolled up for me in a special way, so it was like having a stuffed animal. I had a night night. I loved hiking and camping, though I was asthmatic and had to be watched in case I got wheezy. I liked riding my bike, and my favorite toys were Lincoln Logs, Skyline, and toy soldiers. I was just a kid.



_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#211657 - 03/19/08 09:56 AM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: roadrunner]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1539
Loc: New Jersey
Larry,
I'd love to be able to do this but don't remember much about my childhood. Which I guess in itself would lead me to believe that there was some bad stuff going on. Maybe if I think about it long enough, I'll be able to figure out enough.

Either way, good post.

Jason


_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#211674 - 03/19/08 11:31 AM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: onlyakid]
quixote Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/14/08
Posts: 7
Loc: Texas
roadrunner,

wow. i think its a good, theraputic [pardon the word] activity. i have a hard time not starting NOw... BUT i am going to put in on paper first and tink about it because it would be so easy for me to get into a RANT.
Like Larry, i used to say, i don't remember much of my childhood; i would say all i have left is a few faded, tattered snapshots; but during a spell of sleepless nights i began to put the snapshots together, you no, organize them, chronologically or somethin. i found there were a bunch of them.
a few years ago i started reaching out to my brother who would begin to tell some silly story about our childhood and the memories would come flooding back in video (no sound).
thanks for the inspiration.
ken


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#211685 - 03/19/08 12:05 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: roadrunner]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Little Me I will go back as far as I can. So much I cannot remember....
I was about 9yo maybe 10. About 5 ft. tall. Skinny. Mom liked to give me haircuts. Nor sure why. My friend Eddie Espago and I would play army and cowboys and indians. We loved trying to do the stunts in the tv shows the cowboys did. I loved riding my bike and going all over the neighborhood. Me and Eddie and someone else I cannont remember would go down tothe river which was mostly dry and play and look for crawdads. Playing army was fun and I loved getting killed and doing dramatic falls and stuff. Came home one day all bandaged up from being "wounded" in the war and scared my mom who thought it was real blood. I remember slush ball fights in the snow. Christmas in Sparks, NV and lincoln logs, cowboy hat rifle and gun and holster. Roy Rogers set I had wanted. I remember playing marbles but I think this is an ealier memory. I am younger and wearing short pant which I seemed to wear a lot. We must have been living down south then. I remember swing sets at school where you could go really hi and get scared. I was just a kid

I am really crying now. I am not sure why.


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#211698 - 03/19/08 01:47 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: Freedom49]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7819
Wow, Larry. What a great thread. It had me crying from the first post all the way through the last. It really shows what wonderful, innocent children we were. I'll try mine now.

Little Me: I was a small, skinny boy, always the smallest one in my class. That, combined with a hearing impairment and other things, made me feel "different" from others. As such, I tended to be by myself. I liked to read and I liked drawing. My 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Blakely wrote this on my report card: "Eddie enjoys and excells in art and should be encouraged with it." I had a little stuffed dog that I named "Sparky" that I won at the county fair using one of those crane things - I picked up one of the "Choice" things with the crane, and I chose Sparky who was hanging up above the cranes. He had a white belly and all different colors on his body. I slept with him every night and I remember silently talking to him when I was in bed falling asleep, telling him to protect me during the night. I also had a real dog, a chihuahua named Gidget. She slept on my bed. I had aquariums also, I really liked fish. There was a local pet store nearby that I went to a lot (which is where the final perp started grooming me). I liked to eat ice cream with crackers crumbled over it. I liked watching Bugs Bunny. I was just a kid.



_________________________
Eddie

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#211716 - 03/19/08 03:54 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: EGL]
Marinan Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/03/07
Posts: 329
Little Me: I was under three feet. I could beat up an eighteen year old at the age of six. I had accute asthma and couldn't breathe. I could hardly excercise. When I was sleeping alone in my "Dad"s house, a gang of five teens broke into my house and gang raped me. I was just a kid.


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#211723 - 03/19/08 04:40 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: Marinan]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
"little Guy" Me:

I was around 6 years old, skinny with blond hair, normal height and weight. I have 4 brothers and 3 sisters. My dad built our home which was on 1 acre out in farming country. My 1st and 2nd grades of school I attended a 1 room school. I think in all eight grades there were around 25 kids. I remember reading over and over, Weekly Readers. Every day after school I had chores working in the garden. My dad worked 2nd shift so I only saw him on weekends. I remember faking sick just to see my dad during the week. I would play with my toy farm tractors (Farmall) and road graders, steam shovels and tonka toys in the dirt while my mom hung cloths on the cloths line. On Sundays dad would let me sit on his lap and drive the car back and forth to Church. I slept upstairs in a little alcove over the stairway. I have to stop, the triggers are starting. I WAS JUST A KID

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#211727 - 03/19/08 04:47 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: Marinan]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
Well, I am going to give this a try.

Little Me: For as far back as I can remember,I always loved to play sports. I was a little kid one of the smallest in my class, yet I was better than most the older kids in baseball, football and hockey. I would be outside all day playing sports. My parents would always tell how I would fall asleep at the dinner table from being so tired from playing all day. I was always facinated by science and had my prized microscope and chemistry set. My favorite memories were going with my Dad to the professional hockey games and the Notre Dame football games. I always wanted to go to Notre Dame for college. I can remember laying bed looking at the ND pennant on my wall thinking about playing hockey or football for them...(I guess I had a Rudy complex..lol) Then sometime around the 6th grade, I was abused by one of the older kids I played sports with and really looked up to. Shortly after that, one of my teachers started to pay way too much attention to me..and he ended up doing some inappropriate things to me. That is when my good childhood memories seem to fade away. I tried to be normal in highschool and studied and immeresed myself in school, work and sports. I didn't have many friends,never had a girlfriend and never went to prom. After that, my mom got cancer and I had to take her almost everyday for either chemo or radiation treatments because my Dad had to work. Then my younger brother became addicted to drugs and alcohol and I had to get him into treatment/rehab many times because my parents didn't know what to do. In between all of this,my grandfather who I loved dearly died, followed by 2 grandmothers and my other grandparents. From that point on, I started to close myself off emotionally.


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#211733 - 03/19/08 05:01 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: Marinan]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1871
Loc: durham, north england
I'll try. I'm really sorry to everyone if this seems arrogant or boastful, I'd never say such things about me now, but if I'm writing honestly about the way I was before my abuse happened I have to admit some of these things, ----- in fact I was doing this with my T on monday.

Okay, here we go, and appologies in advance:

Little me:

I was eleven, small for my age with untidy hair and thick glasses. I'd been through losing my site at age 7, then going away to boarding school where the teachers tried to make me conform to their standards and generally squash any individuality. I'd got through that, and was really looking forward to starting at a decent school where I could just be me without having to fight.

I was incredibly happy and smiled all the time (at my boarding school they'd told me to stop smirking, which i ignored). I also loved both to learn, and to discuss things. I was incredibly spiritual, having had a major religious experience when i lost my site, and considdered a lot of theology, ---- even reading books like John bunyan's Pilgrim's progress and articals on the aspects of God. i went to several of my mum's lectures on her degree in theology, found them both fascinating, and discussed things with people.

I also loved learning about space and physics, particularly sinse i read a lot of difficult sf like Isac Asimov and Fredric pohl, and loved learning about things like the theory of relativity, black holes and the characteristics of the planets in our solar system.

I loved music sung in church a lot and also played the flute. I also loved Lord of the rings and could recite long passages by heart. My parents often called me bilbo baggins.

I played huge and complex games with my large collection of figures, everything from heman figures to biker mice from mars, and would set up huge castles and bases with rugs and furniture. In these games the figures were never the characters they were supposed to be, but were given rolls by me in whatever story I was playing at the time. I loved computer games, particularly the turrican series on the Amigar, and I'd often make up stories to myself as I played them about where I was going, what my mission was etc. we'd just got a snes, and I was really excited to play games like streetfighter 2 and bomberman, and I'd often play with my brother or watch him play. I had a very close best friend, robbert, and we'd played games with my figures, or use toy guns and other armour, often things we'd create with insilation tape. some of our favourite games included turrican, based on the plot of the computer games, or aliens. I always loved being the lost alien from venus, Zan Azure, while Robbert played as Space pilot coaker, a han solo type character.

Despite my friend though,I often felt very separate from others, like an alien prince who'd come down to earth to find out what it was like, enjoy what he found, but could never really be part of things.

Was I just a kid? Was I inocent? I don't know.


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#211734 - 03/19/08 05:02 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: KENKEN]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Little me

Was always small for my age, silent little child in the corner. Good at dodging the fists and boots of drunk adults. Had a lead toy soldier given to me by '''' still got it today. Used to hide under the piles of fresh cut crass on the wasteland across the road from the house. Warm and hidden watching the sun shine through the grass.
I would like to think i was just a kid.

Ben


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#211736 - 03/19/08 05:22 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: roadrunner]
SuperTramp7981 Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/06/08
Posts: 99
Loc: Massachusetts
Me In middle school....here it goes:

In middle school (2000-2001) I was not exactly a popular kid (maybe because I was an American, I'll never know), living in a suburb near Toronto. Like most 12-13 year olds, I thought I knew pretty much everything, had superpowers, and was all grown up. I was a taller kid in class, just got my glasses, and hated them. I played football (soccer) as a center fullback. I loved watching the MLS My favorite team was The New England Revolution (still is even though by default I am a Toronto F.C fan now too). I loved hockey especially the Maple Leafs and The Canadiens, same as now too, but we didn't have the money for me to play on an organized team. So I watched from the sideline. My favorite player was Jose Theodore of Montreal.

My favorite music groups were the same as now, Creed and Our Lady Peace. I spent a lot of my free time reading, what I can't recall, but that was when I first delved into Tolkien's works. (the first movie came out when i was in 8th grade, i saw it 5 or 6 times in the theater, It mesmerized me, I never saw anything like it since Titanic). I also liked video games, I played Nintendo 64 a lot by myself and with my few friends. Unfortunately I was in the school band as well (my older sister was at one point but was in high school by then) And I was abused by the man in charge (who admittedly was one of my favorite teachers) I still kept going to band practices and events, until late in 8th grade when I quit, much to the chagrin of my parents.

A weird (ironic?) connection to the present. I still play a drum, but it's only at soccer games At BMO field, as a member of the Red Patch boys. I guess that shows much of what I was still applies. I still love the same things.

_________________________
Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds.
Have no fear for atomic energy,
'Cause none of them can stop the time.
How long shall they kill our prophets,
While we stand aside and look? Ooh!
Some say it's just a part of it:
We've got to fulfil de book.

Chat Name-Lparsons

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#211737 - 03/19/08 05:25 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: Marinan]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
ok, so since you posted this i've been thinking about it all day, for some reason it has really been playing on my mind.

i've been trying to compose a response, questions and different things keep appearing in my mind, and then even when i do compose something i find it hard to draw the line in what i'm saying concerning "victim" and "innoccence"

and also from being "defenseless" and being mentally slow, estranged from the kind of world that other people live in or ignorant

and memories that are good are naturally connected to people that you don't want to please anymore

i've written 5 pages in microsoft word already and i've found so many things that i have to give thought to about different people, different things, and why i did things the way i did, and i've realised that there are parts of my life that are too blurry for comfort and i cant remember why i felt the need to do things like not talk for periods at a time or not to use my right hand for anything and because i kept to myself so much i never thought about the things that i now see are odd and not normal and i never questioned anything, there are lots of things that now come to mind, big major things that i never gave any thought, and then i think why didn't i think that was odd, in anybody elses life that wouldnt go unnoticed. Anyway, sorry i cant contribute at the moment but this thread has helped, although i didn't intend on spending the whole night writing so i'm going to have to mess up my sleep pattern and stay up to do all my homework for tomorrow

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#211740 - 03/19/08 05:30 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: dark empathy]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Just a thought: Take a look at a T-shirt in the boys clothing department; compare it to one of your own. How could anyone who wears a boys size 14 shirt not be an innocent little kid?

Several years ago I was helping my mom clean out her house, garage and backyard storage shed. I found my old boy scout shirt from the time that I was being abused. It threw me for a loop. I wanted to burn it, destroy it. I went to one of Mike Lew's weekend retreats a week or so later. I wrote a poem about it. It helped me heal. It's called 'Cleaning out the attic'. I reposted it in the Poetry section last November.

Take good care of yourselves my friends, we didn't deserve any of the stuff that was done to us, we were those innocent kids.

Steve



Edited by Stephen_5 (03/19/08 05:34 PM)
_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#211744 - 03/19/08 05:54 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: Stephen_5]
SuperTramp7981 Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/06/08
Posts: 99
Loc: Massachusetts
I didn't (and still don't) think I was defenseless. I know people will say otherwise, but I don't think I was defenseless at age 13.

_________________________
Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds.
Have no fear for atomic energy,
'Cause none of them can stop the time.
How long shall they kill our prophets,
While we stand aside and look? Ooh!
Some say it's just a part of it:
We've got to fulfil de book.

Chat Name-Lparsons

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#211750 - 03/19/08 07:52 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: roadrunner]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Little Me,
Was about 6 and was living in a ever changing home, although I did not have much I enjoyed laughing and playing with cars and trucks.
I liked to make roads in th sand and drive my toy card around. I liked to play with bugs and dig worms and catch ants. Watch dragon flies and butter flies. I liked to sing songs and read Dr Suse. Green eggs & ham.I liked playing go fish and old maid, trouble, and hands down. I was innocent, I was just a kid!



Edited by GateKPR4 (03/19/08 07:54 PM)
_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_ô¿ô_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#211756 - 03/19/08 08:57 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: GateKPR4]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Now you've all gone and made me cry... \:\)

Little Me,

I was 5. I lived with my parents, my two older sisters and two older brothers in a big old two story house in Brownsville, California. I had two grandma's who lived one on either side of my house. I loved to go play in "Big Grandma's" yard. She had lots of interesting things in her yard like the outhouse. I'd play in there until I saw the blackwidows and I'd never go back unless I had to! She also had a spot by her wellhouse that had some clay soil. I'd wet it down and make worms and snakes and houses and all kinds of neat things. I used to like to go over to "Little Grandma's" house and play table games with her like Parcheesi. I was pretty good at it and sometimes she'd let me win! I liked to play with my brother but he had to start going to school so I couldn't play with him during the day. I'd wait and wait and wait and drive my momma nuts asking her when it was time for my brother to be home from school. I had lots of stuffed animals and toy trucks and cars. We had a couple of cats called Midget and Muffin. They were brother and sister and I loved them. Little Grandma had a Pug dog named Frisky. He was so excitable. Whenever anyone would come in the room he'd go into orbit and run around and around the room till he was panting and drooling. He was funny. Our church was about half African American and half Caucasian. I loved to go there and greet all the people. My could we sing in that church! I loved to sing with them, but the best part was the potlucks!

I was just a kid!

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#211757 - 03/19/08 09:01 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: roadrunner]
Elad 12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/05
Posts: 1176
Loc: on the coast
Little Me,
I was only 4, maybe 5. I don't remember much. I didn't even have any friends yet, just 2 older brothers and a younger sister. I do know that up to then I was happy, full of life and loved our dog Frisky. That was all about to change.
I was a little kid without a clue of what was coming.
Dale


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#211784 - 03/19/08 10:44 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: Elad 12]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
little me: i was 14. just moved to california. transfered from a boarding school to public school. i was just starting up dance classes in the new state. had been doing ballet and tap since i was 4. my new studio was great. i loved ballet. the structure of it. everything had a place. i was slender. tall. like a green bean. but awkward. i was taking honors classes at school. world history, earth science, alegrbra, writing comp. i was wearing all abercombie and fitch clothes. (as was everyone.) i just started wearing colonge. we had pool class in gym. i had this huge ass backpack because my locker was far away from my classes and i was stressed about being late. my combintaion was 22-14-10. i was just a kid.


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#211824 - 03/20/08 02:18 AM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: dark empathy]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Wow.... Larry this thread has really got me thinking.

I have many thoughts I could mention, but many of them are stories told at family functions. They are not really my memories. I’m going to write about things that I actually remember.

Little Me: remembers when I was in first grade,(6 1/2) I got really sick. (spinal meningitis) I was put into quarantine, at the children’s hospital. My memories of this time include my parents coming into the room with those surgical masks covering their face. Being stuck in the room over looking the playground and being really sad that I couldn’t go out and play on the neat equipment. And, getting a bunch of get well cards from my whole class. They also sent along a stuffed toy. Because of the sterile setting, it had to be a non-fuzzy toy. It was made of this really tough material, and it was a raggedy Andy type doll, but he was wearing kind of a flowery pinkish outfit. I called him Pinky, and I kept that doll until I was almost 14. By that time, Pinky was looking kind of rough. His final day was brought about by the cruel actions of our new puppy. I think I held that dog responsible for Pinkies murder for several years. (but of course this was about a year after my abuse, so some of that anger was probably from that)

The backyard of the house I lived in until I was 9, was just a normal yard with a fence around it. The a patio had an awning over it made of the old style corrugated fiber glass. The awning would cast a colorful shadow. It was green fiber glass and the color would wash down on the concrete when it was sunny out. I would play on that patio for hours. We had a next door neighbor who was a very troubled boy. His dad was a cop and one summer day when his dad came home for lunch, “Tommy” snuck into the police car and took the shotgun. He wanted to show us how cool it was. (this was before they had gun locks in the cop cars.) So a bunch of the neighborhood kids were standing around on the patio looking at the gun, as we passed it around, I remember it being really heavy. Well as luck would have it, one of the other kids handed it back to “Tommy” and he didn’t get a good hold on it. Well as the gun fell towards the ground luckily it hit with the stock first. BANG!!!!! The barrel was pointed straight up in the air, and the green awning suddenly had a huge hole. I don’t remember much after the gun went off, but I do know we all scattered and we didn’t see “Tommy” for several weeks after that.

I also remember Easter egg hunts at my grandmothers house. We would all go over to grandmas, and she would get some of those plastic eggs, and fill them with coins. If you were really lucky, you would find one with a dollar bill in it. All the grandkids would scramble around until we found them all. The funny thing was grandma wouldn’t remember how many she would hide. Many times we would think we had found them all, until one of us would go over to cut the grass, a month later, and find an egg under a bush.

I could go on to share many good memories of scouting, but those would take many pages. So for now I will just say I had a lot of good times in scouts, and one life changing moment. BUT.... I was just a Kid!!!!!

Great idea Larry, Thanks....

And for those who have shared, much thanks! I am so glad to hear about some of the good times in your lives.

Luv ya all,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#212057 - 03/21/08 04:43 AM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: Scoutvictim]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Little Me: I had a a little beagle dog (real dog) named Lucy. She was my best friend in the world. Stuffed animals were a mound of love on my bed. My Mom was confined to a wheelchair - frequently in the hospital, Dad traveled heavily, so I was raised by hired help. They kept leaving...so Lucy and I kept each other happy.

My Lionel train set would run all day whenever I stayed home sick or if there was a storm outside. My bedroom had cowboy-and-indian wallpaper that use to capture my imagination as I'd lay in bed.

Outside, I'd catch toads, frogs and tadpoles. I ruled my woods as a kingdom. I knew every trail, hill and climb-able tree.

I loved sledding down Sullivan's hill. It was huge!

It all ended....I was just a kid though.

(this was the hardest post I've written here on MS....God I hate this)

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#212102 - 03/21/08 10:16 AM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: Still]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
i agree rob. it was really weird to write about.


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#212128 - 03/21/08 01:42 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me *DELETED* [Re: Jarrad]
nicky Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 261
Post deleted by nicky

_________________________
i like the rain cause no one knows im crying

a strong man is one who is able to control himself when he is angry
what is your definiton of control?

i lay awake another hour
just like the one before
the shadows play a game with my head
i can't take this anymore

http://youtube.com/watch?v=x4EOw8wPBN8




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#212177 - 03/21/08 08:17 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: nicky]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
When I was ten...

My heart was broken by a fluffy orange stray cat that used to visit our back door. I secretly hoped that I was winning her over to be part of our family, but one day, she didn't come back.

I was short, cute, slightly pudgy, effeminate, and smart. My inner world was large and strange. I had very little connection with the world outside. Other people didn't make sense to me.

My friends were the ones who would pretend with me...I didn't know how to speak about real things. Life was something to be endured between books and fantasies.

I wrote the first ten pages of a play about time travel (yes, into time travel even back then!) on an old manual typewriter. One moment, the only appearance of a child who must have been me, really kills me:
Quote:
DM: Can I go to the zoo?
GM: Later. Daddy's very busy. (He spreads his papers out over his desk, to look like he's busy.)
DM: Aw, Wouldn't you rather see a monkey than fool around with your papers?
GM: Not really.
DM: Aw, please?
(AK enters.) (DM fades into the background and eventually exits unnoticed)
I ripped the pages out of the typewriter to show my father one at a time. He seemed to have no idea what to do with a 10-year-old aspiring playwright, or the messages he was sending.

I was using words like "eventually" and "unnoticed."

I was the natural last for all teams...the acknowledged social dregs of the class. Lonely but without the painful sense that there was any other way.

A storm was brewing...after-school swimming at the local high school (last again, except maybe for one other friend, bonded together in dregs-dom). The air in the locker room after one meet made me alert and strangely alive--testosterone? Old deodorant? I started dreaming about empty locker rooms, not yet ready for athletes.

It was univerally understood that I was a problem. I never questioned it.

That was before.

The man in the schoolyard made the sense of wrongness permanent, like an iron transferring a surface pattern deep into the fabric of a shirt. Absent-mindedness became dissociation, my conviction that I didn't fit in became my identity. I didn't know myself or anyone around me. The real world intervened when someone waved a hand in front of my face.

I write these things from outside...I don't know this kid. I try to, not to look at him with the cold, critical appraisal of my father or my mother's self-interest. I try to find some love for the parts that weren't just version 1.0 of me today. I was a kid. *tears welling up, now* I was just a kid.


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#212178 - 03/21/08 08:42 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: MemoryVault]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Little me....

I was about 8 - I had broken my arm very, very badly at the age of six and had surgery to place pins. I had been a very thin kid, full of energy, but the weight of the cast(I was in a 20 pound cast for 9 months) as well as the fear of falling again made me inactive - So i became overweight. I was very verbose and really didn't connect with kids my age... I LIKED kids my age, but i preferred adults or older kids - I was into reading and talking... I loved to sit and talk with people for hours, about anything... Those who know me now will attest I have not grown out of this \:\)

I had 2 dogs named Doc and Obleo. I had a best friend. He was 4 years older. He lived next door. He was so cool. He was in middle school.

My father was burned badly in a fire - it was unknown if he would survive. My mother spent every minute she could at the hospital. For that 7 weeks, neighbors took care of me after school until my siblings got home from high school activities. We were managing with all the chaos. I was not allowed to see my father... too young to go into the hospital.

My best friend spent a lot of time with me. He showed me magazines he stole from his dad's closet... playboy and penthouse. He explained about sex. It sounded sort of cool, the way he said it felt so good. He told me about hard ons... I told him I got them too! He understood. He would rub my leg when we watched TV in his basement. It felt good to be touched. I was scared and felt lonely... he made me feel so special... I got to eat dinner at his house and they had great stuff like Mac and Cheese and frozen pizzas. My family always had cooked stuff.. never boxed stuff... this was cool.... he groomed me for quite a while before his real fun began.

I was just a kid!

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#212214 - 03/21/08 11:05 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: dannym]
SuperTramp7981 Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/06/08
Posts: 99
Loc: Massachusetts
Already posted from when I was a younger teen, but the hero thread reminded me of something I love when I was a kid

When I was a little kid, small enough for my dad to pick me up still. I used to count the hours to when he would come pick me up from my grandparents or aunts house after he would be gone for a three days, a week, sometimes more on a cruise. I used to love running to him and meeting him at the door, he would tower over me and sweep me up with one arm and give me a kiss on the forehead, the familiar feel of his graying beard scratching my face. He would then have a surprise, I knew what it was everytime and he would plop his fancy "sailors hat" I would call it on my head, and it was always too big, sinking down to my eyes or nose. He let me wear it the whole ride home. He would then take me back home and either put me to bed if it was late, or spend time with me before he even did anything else! He'd read to me, play a game, anything I wanted.
i was just a kid......with the world's best dad!

_________________________
Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds.
Have no fear for atomic energy,
'Cause none of them can stop the time.
How long shall they kill our prophets,
While we stand aside and look? Ooh!
Some say it's just a part of it:
We've got to fulfil de book.

Chat Name-Lparsons

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#212218 - 03/21/08 11:10 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: SuperTramp7981]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
SuperTramp --

Thanks for sharing that--that's really great. \:\) \:\) \:\)

David


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#212223 - 03/21/08 11:30 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: dannym]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3354
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Little Me -

5 years old - smaller than others my age - maybe 35 pounds soaking wet - for a couple of years had lived in an old farmhouse owned by a family friend who was a big farmer in the area (but then had to move into town that summer to the house I was in till I was 18)- helped out with farm stuff - loved animals of all kinds - a very emmotional high energy kid - could not sleep without his bear and often wrapped himself tightly into the sheets/blankets on his bed - loved to watch cartoons (bugs bunny, roadrunner, woody woodpecker, mighty mouse, ect...) - loved to sing - loved to play with hot wheels cars - loved to climb trees and play in the woods

I was just a kid



Edited by TJ jeff (03/21/08 11:32 PM)
_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#212237 - 03/22/08 05:28 AM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: TJ jeff]
rehpotsirhcs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/10/07
Posts: 204
Little me: I was 6 years old. My room was a giant toy box filled with scattered treasures - toy cars, board game pieces, coloring books, airplanes figures, etc. When Mom told me to pick up my room I would shove as much as I could under my bed and slide the rest in my closet. The only thing kept neatly folded and clean was my taekwondo uniform. I felt invincible when I wore the suit just like the Power Rangers. I was just a kid


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#213692 - 03/28/08 10:13 AM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: rehpotsirhcs]
VLinvictus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
Little me. I was eight years old, small for my age but with little pudgy tummy that I still haven’t managed to outgrow. I had a winsome toothy smile beneath a bowl of blond hair. I’m sure other people who saw me thought I was a cute, normal little boy, but can’t know for sure how other people really saw me because I never really saw them.

I lived with my mom and dad in an apartment crammed full of treasures harvested from garage sales, thrift shops, and curbs on trash day. I had an orange and white cat named Jack who would spend most of the day sleeping in some secluded spot hidden among my parents’ horde and would come out at regular times to demand food and attention and playtime on his own terms and stalk away again when he had his fill. He was my closest friend.

My external was a small world, not unlike the Little Prince on his asteroid. I had my parents, and my aunt would visit from time to time, and my teachers – they seemed real enough. My peers and schoolmates, though, passed me by like movie characters projected on a distant screen. Like the Little Prince, though, I could catch a ride on the comet of my imagination and escape in the vast, weird, and wonderful universe of my imagination. I could sit for hours in a comfy corner creating epic fantasies to entertain myself. I was an early reader, and from the first moment I could sound out words I devoured books and populated my inner universe with people and places that they and movies provided me. I came to feel most at home in the past, creating my own historical romances, or in the far future, weaving intricate space operas. I was in love with Star Wars – I wanted Darth Vader to be my my father so I could take him up his offer to rule the galaxy as father and son.

These fantasies of power belied the powerlessness that surrounded me. I was a strange little kid with strange interests. My schoolmates watched Saturday morning cartoons; I watched Saturday evening British dramas and sitcoms on the local PBS station. I woke up in the morning alone, at breakfast with my mom, and then spent the next eight hours in school focused either on my work and pleasing the teachers or retreating back to my inner space when I got bored. This happened a lot, as I’d finish my work before anyone else and have too much time on my hands, which usually got me into trouble. At three clock I would go back home and keep my mom company while she made dinner and went shopping or on further garage sale expeditions to add to her collection of useless junk. Then my dad would come home from work, and I’d go watch TV or hide in a book to block out the sound of their arguments. Whatever the issue, I knew they were arguing about me – that I had had failed somehow and would have to be a better little boy. All too soon it was time for bed, with Jack and my mountain of stuffed animals to keep my company. They were more real to me than most people, just like the figures out of history and fantasy that filled my mind. My heart was full of love and concern for them: I didn’t want anyone to be unhappy, so each night I had to make sure I chose a different toy to sleep with lest any feel left out or hurt. Then a new day would begin.

The other kids didn’t know what to make of me. We had nothing in common and nothing to talk about. We seemed to speak different languages and come from different alien planets. I didn’t know their music or their TV shows, and I was totally useless at sports. Somehow, chess and RISK and Axis and Allies weren’t as popular as I had hoped they were. I was different; at least that’s what they said (although not in so many words). I must not have fit in to their world they same way they didn’t fit into mine. People in books and on TV had friends, so I tried my best to be friendly, but it I learned all too soon that what my mother told me was true: the world is cruel and unforgiving place and you can’t trust anyone. I retreated to my place of safety. I rejected the world that would not have me and built up mighty walls around me so I could focus on my own passions and interests in peace. Alone.

When anyone asked, I always said I was fine. When anyone took my picture, I always smiled. Teachers and counselors suspected something was wrong, but I and my mother never accepted it, never acknowledged it. It just stayed there, beneath the surface under the façade I bravely maintained each day. I wanted to make my parents happy, although I never thought I really succeeded. I wanted to make my teachers happy, and so at least I excelled in school. I gave up trying to make my schoolmates happy and so wrote them out altogether and accepted loneliness as my natural condition. This was the only world I knew. I was just a kid.

_________________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde

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#213696 - 03/28/08 10:26 AM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: VLinvictus]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Little me: I remember seeing the clouds and sky move back and forth as I approached the horsey from behind. I was toddling so I was maybe 2 or 2 1/2 years old. I had just got my 'legs' and was loving the feel and smell of the air and the snow on the ground was white and sweet and soft on my boots. I toddled towards the horsey, my father some distance off, watching me. Then boom. Something hit my head, and I was flat on the ground. I woke up to my Father's hard cold voice commanding me "Get up!".

I was just a kid






Edited by hogan_dawg (03/28/08 10:32 AM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#213700 - 03/28/08 10:47 AM . [Re: hogan_dawg]
JustJeff Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/19/08
Posts: 262
.

_________________________
.

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#213704 - 03/28/08 11:21 AM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: JustJeff]
simonsurvives Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/17/08
Posts: 58
Loc: California, Fresno
I am glad to meet you Jeff. Thank you for sharing. You didn't deserve to get hurt. I love videogames too because I have control over everything in the game. No one is saying that is way is not the way to go or this is the weapon I should be using. I am the one choosing and I have the control. \:\) p.s I will kill you in halo jk
Simon


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#213716 - 03/28/08 12:45 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: simonsurvives]
JustJeff Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/19/08
Posts: 262
Lol. You might you never know. but i'm pretty sure my cousin could own both of us in a second.

_________________________
.

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#213921 - 03/29/08 10:29 AM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: JustJeff]
Nyjah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/14/07
Posts: 610
I was 4, listening to my dad play his trumpet in the next room. Falling asleep to sound of Miles Davis. He had to play in the other room 'cause it was too loud to play in the room me and my sister shared. When my dad would come home from being away and taking me and my sister to ice cream and letting us pick out whatever we wanted. I always wanted a "big kid" ice cream cone but got the cup 'cause I was too little for the other one. My mom picking me up when I fell down. My sister reading to me.

I was just a kid. I wanna go back to being a kid.


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#213926 - 03/29/08 10:57 AM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: Nyjah]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
LITTLE ME was small for my age (6 year old clothes at 10) but people never picked on me because of my size so I didn't really develop a "napoleonic" complex. People other than my parents and perp treated me kindly.

I was the requested singer in our small town from age 4 through middle school which was probably what kept my self esteem afloat. I won first place in two county fair talent contests thanks to a loving music teacher who picked me up to practice and drove me to the fairs without any relatives in the audience.

I lived a few blocks from the Missouri river and that is where summers were spent. Winters were ice skating in the park and a small lake nearby, sledding and just running around town in the NE Nebraska snow.

My wife asked my sister what kind of kid I was and my sister said "everyone loved him" I was surprised at her answer but realized "everyone" didn't include our parents who abandoned us when I was 4. I WAS JUST A LOVABLE KID

_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

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#213944 - 03/29/08 12:13 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: dancr6]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6719
Loc: USA
dancr6

You were Tiny Tim. (As in Dickens Christmas Story)


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#290155 - 06/03/09 10:41 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: pufferfish]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
I thought i'd revive this thread so that i can remember to come back and make my reply and so that others have the opportunity to see the purposeo of this thread and also make their replies.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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