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#211651 - 03/19/08 09:32 AM Thinking about Little Me
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
I am starting this thread with several things in mind. One is that I just returned from a very powerful weekend in which I was keynote speaker at a conference in honor of the professor who was my first teacher. Instead of talking about his books and teaching, I talked about how he literally saved the life of a kid lost in alcohol and drugs and who even didn't know there could be such a thing as a safe adult.

Another thing that gets me going is a recent post where one of our brothers expresses his guilt at being gang-raped as a boy.

A third is that I like to start threads that help us see ourselves for who we really were: innocent defenseless boys. That's easy to see in others, of course; I have never seen any survivor here tell another guy, "You deserved what you got". But when it comes to ourselves it's different. We are accustomed to bearing the blame and shame, and it's difficult to see our own innocence.

So maybe we should look at this. If you think it will help, look back to the kid you were when the abuse began. Start with the heading "Little Me" to emphasize what you're doing. Then talk about things. Just a short paragraph. You don't have to agonize over anything, and if you begin to feel overwhelmed, just stop and post what you have. How tall were you, what did you like, what did you wear, what were your hobbies, what were your fantasies? Try to come to terms with the reality of what being a defenseless kid meant for you.

If you can, end your paragraph with "I was just a kid". That may be difficult, but see if you can do it. If you can, how does that feel? Don't post about it right away - just think about it. If you can't do it, that's okay. Leave it and maybe come back to it later. But look at other responses and ask yourself this: How can it be that all the others were innocent and the only guilty one is me?

Okay, here's mine:

Little Me: I was 10 years old and about 4 feet tall. I was skinny back then and weighed maybe 65 pounds. My heroes were Roy Rogers and Superman and I saw them both as magically powerful. I loved TV, of course, and my favorite shows were Disneyland and cartoons. My little sister Betsy would come and flop into my lap and we would watch Roadrunner. I read Hardy Boys books and old adventure books like Treasure Island. I liked furry footed PJs and I slept with my "Covie", a crib blanket that my Dad rolled up for me in a special way, so it was like having a stuffed animal. I had a night night. I loved hiking and camping, though I was asthmatic and had to be watched in case I got wheezy. I liked riding my bike, and my favorite toys were Lincoln Logs, Skyline, and toy soldiers. I was just a kid.



_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#211657 - 03/19/08 09:56 AM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: roadrunner]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Larry,
I'd love to be able to do this but don't remember much about my childhood. Which I guess in itself would lead me to believe that there was some bad stuff going on. Maybe if I think about it long enough, I'll be able to figure out enough.

Either way, good post.

Jason


_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#211674 - 03/19/08 11:31 AM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: onlyakid]
quixote Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/14/08
Posts: 7
Loc: Texas
roadrunner,

wow. i think its a good, theraputic [pardon the word] activity. i have a hard time not starting NOw... BUT i am going to put in on paper first and tink about it because it would be so easy for me to get into a RANT.
Like Larry, i used to say, i don't remember much of my childhood; i would say all i have left is a few faded, tattered snapshots; but during a spell of sleepless nights i began to put the snapshots together, you no, organize them, chronologically or somethin. i found there were a bunch of them.
a few years ago i started reaching out to my brother who would begin to tell some silly story about our childhood and the memories would come flooding back in video (no sound).
thanks for the inspiration.
ken


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#211685 - 03/19/08 12:05 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: roadrunner]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Little Me I will go back as far as I can. So much I cannot remember....
I was about 9yo maybe 10. About 5 ft. tall. Skinny. Mom liked to give me haircuts. Nor sure why. My friend Eddie Espago and I would play army and cowboys and indians. We loved trying to do the stunts in the tv shows the cowboys did. I loved riding my bike and going all over the neighborhood. Me and Eddie and someone else I cannont remember would go down tothe river which was mostly dry and play and look for crawdads. Playing army was fun and I loved getting killed and doing dramatic falls and stuff. Came home one day all bandaged up from being "wounded" in the war and scared my mom who thought it was real blood. I remember slush ball fights in the snow. Christmas in Sparks, NV and lincoln logs, cowboy hat rifle and gun and holster. Roy Rogers set I had wanted. I remember playing marbles but I think this is an ealier memory. I am younger and wearing short pant which I seemed to wear a lot. We must have been living down south then. I remember swing sets at school where you could go really hi and get scared. I was just a kid

I am really crying now. I am not sure why.


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#211698 - 03/19/08 01:47 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: Freedom49]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Wow, Larry. What a great thread. It had me crying from the first post all the way through the last. It really shows what wonderful, innocent children we were. I'll try mine now.

Little Me: I was a small, skinny boy, always the smallest one in my class. That, combined with a hearing impairment and other things, made me feel "different" from others. As such, I tended to be by myself. I liked to read and I liked drawing. My 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Blakely wrote this on my report card: "Eddie enjoys and excells in art and should be encouraged with it." I had a little stuffed dog that I named "Sparky" that I won at the county fair using one of those crane things - I picked up one of the "Choice" things with the crane, and I chose Sparky who was hanging up above the cranes. He had a white belly and all different colors on his body. I slept with him every night and I remember silently talking to him when I was in bed falling asleep, telling him to protect me during the night. I also had a real dog, a chihuahua named Gidget. She slept on my bed. I had aquariums also, I really liked fish. There was a local pet store nearby that I went to a lot (which is where the final perp started grooming me). I liked to eat ice cream with crackers crumbled over it. I liked watching Bugs Bunny. I was just a kid.



_________________________
Eddie

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#211716 - 03/19/08 03:54 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: EGL]
Marinan Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/03/07
Posts: 329
Little Me: I was under three feet. I could beat up an eighteen year old at the age of six. I had accute asthma and couldn't breathe. I could hardly excercise. When I was sleeping alone in my "Dad"s house, a gang of five teens broke into my house and gang raped me. I was just a kid.


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#211723 - 03/19/08 04:40 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: Marinan]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
"little Guy" Me:

I was around 6 years old, skinny with blond hair, normal height and weight. I have 4 brothers and 3 sisters. My dad built our home which was on 1 acre out in farming country. My 1st and 2nd grades of school I attended a 1 room school. I think in all eight grades there were around 25 kids. I remember reading over and over, Weekly Readers. Every day after school I had chores working in the garden. My dad worked 2nd shift so I only saw him on weekends. I remember faking sick just to see my dad during the week. I would play with my toy farm tractors (Farmall) and road graders, steam shovels and tonka toys in the dirt while my mom hung cloths on the cloths line. On Sundays dad would let me sit on his lap and drive the car back and forth to Church. I slept upstairs in a little alcove over the stairway. I have to stop, the triggers are starting. I WAS JUST A KID

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#211727 - 03/19/08 04:47 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: Marinan]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
Well, I am going to give this a try.

Little Me: For as far back as I can remember,I always loved to play sports. I was a little kid one of the smallest in my class, yet I was better than most the older kids in baseball, football and hockey. I would be outside all day playing sports. My parents would always tell how I would fall asleep at the dinner table from being so tired from playing all day. I was always facinated by science and had my prized microscope and chemistry set. My favorite memories were going with my Dad to the professional hockey games and the Notre Dame football games. I always wanted to go to Notre Dame for college. I can remember laying bed looking at the ND pennant on my wall thinking about playing hockey or football for them...(I guess I had a Rudy complex..lol) Then sometime around the 6th grade, I was abused by one of the older kids I played sports with and really looked up to. Shortly after that, one of my teachers started to pay way too much attention to me..and he ended up doing some inappropriate things to me. That is when my good childhood memories seem to fade away. I tried to be normal in highschool and studied and immeresed myself in school, work and sports. I didn't have many friends,never had a girlfriend and never went to prom. After that, my mom got cancer and I had to take her almost everyday for either chemo or radiation treatments because my Dad had to work. Then my younger brother became addicted to drugs and alcohol and I had to get him into treatment/rehab many times because my parents didn't know what to do. In between all of this,my grandfather who I loved dearly died, followed by 2 grandmothers and my other grandparents. From that point on, I started to close myself off emotionally.


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#211733 - 03/19/08 05:01 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: Marinan]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1989
Loc: durham, north england
I'll try. I'm really sorry to everyone if this seems arrogant or boastful, I'd never say such things about me now, but if I'm writing honestly about the way I was before my abuse happened I have to admit some of these things, ----- in fact I was doing this with my T on monday.

Okay, here we go, and appologies in advance:

Little me:

I was eleven, small for my age with untidy hair and thick glasses. I'd been through losing my site at age 7, then going away to boarding school where the teachers tried to make me conform to their standards and generally squash any individuality. I'd got through that, and was really looking forward to starting at a decent school where I could just be me without having to fight.

I was incredibly happy and smiled all the time (at my boarding school they'd told me to stop smirking, which i ignored). I also loved both to learn, and to discuss things. I was incredibly spiritual, having had a major religious experience when i lost my site, and considdered a lot of theology, ---- even reading books like John bunyan's Pilgrim's progress and articals on the aspects of God. i went to several of my mum's lectures on her degree in theology, found them both fascinating, and discussed things with people.

I also loved learning about space and physics, particularly sinse i read a lot of difficult sf like Isac Asimov and Fredric pohl, and loved learning about things like the theory of relativity, black holes and the characteristics of the planets in our solar system.

I loved music sung in church a lot and also played the flute. I also loved Lord of the rings and could recite long passages by heart. My parents often called me bilbo baggins.

I played huge and complex games with my large collection of figures, everything from heman figures to biker mice from mars, and would set up huge castles and bases with rugs and furniture. In these games the figures were never the characters they were supposed to be, but were given rolls by me in whatever story I was playing at the time. I loved computer games, particularly the turrican series on the Amigar, and I'd often make up stories to myself as I played them about where I was going, what my mission was etc. we'd just got a snes, and I was really excited to play games like streetfighter 2 and bomberman, and I'd often play with my brother or watch him play. I had a very close best friend, robbert, and we'd played games with my figures, or use toy guns and other armour, often things we'd create with insilation tape. some of our favourite games included turrican, based on the plot of the computer games, or aliens. I always loved being the lost alien from venus, Zan Azure, while Robbert played as Space pilot coaker, a han solo type character.

Despite my friend though,I often felt very separate from others, like an alien prince who'd come down to earth to find out what it was like, enjoy what he found, but could never really be part of things.

Was I just a kid? Was I inocent? I don't know.


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#211734 - 03/19/08 05:02 PM Re: Thinking about Little Me [Re: KENKEN]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Little me

Was always small for my age, silent little child in the corner. Good at dodging the fists and boots of drunk adults. Had a lead toy soldier given to me by '''' still got it today. Used to hide under the piles of fresh cut crass on the wasteland across the road from the house. Warm and hidden watching the sun shine through the grass.
I would like to think i was just a kid.

Ben


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