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#21137 - 02/05/04 01:09 AM Spanking as SA? (TRIGGER)
survive75 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 304
Loc: Massachusetts
Had therapy tonight. Haven't been doing well. Not sleeping, missing work, etc.

A lot about my physical abuse came up. I was surprised at how much I was able to admit to my therapist. Memories I've always had about it, but didn't want to talk about.

But now, tonight with my g/f asleep and me being wide awake, I can't stop the thoughts and memories from running through my head non-stop. I'm just making connections between the shame I feel when thinking about the SA and the same humilation I feel when remembering him spanking me (or threatening to in public.) I remember a few occasions where he spanked me in front of his friends.

I guess I wanted to know how you all felt... the feelings of fear, shame, anger are the same for me for the physical and sexual. Am I wrong to consider spanking, especially humilating a kid in front of others, a form of sexual abuse?

Hurting and confused tonight. I can usually handle these memories of the physical shit. Never thought of them as a big deal before. Figured most kids got hit, I deserved it, etc. Sorry for rambling... just no where for these thoughts to go tonight except in here.

-Sean

_________________________
-Sean

"Even though I know/I donít want to know/Yeah I guess I know/I just hate how it sounds"

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#21138 - 02/05/04 03:52 AM Re: Spanking as SA? (TRIGGER)
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Hey Sean,

I hear you, man, spanking like you got was abuse. If you felt those emotions of shame and
humiliation, it was abuse. And, besides didn't you say that this was the guy who sexually abused you? Who was this dude anyway, family, "friend"?
Sorry you had to endure that.
My 8th grade teacher got off on embarrassing me in front of others when he wasn't busy sexually abusing me...the embarrassing moments were abuse, too, just like your spanking...the old power, control thing.
I had therapy today, too, and just had to respond to you.
You take care man and know that all of this reaction shit is normal and it does get better as you get it out where it can't hurt as much.
You're a good man.
Peace, power, strength and courage,

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#21139 - 02/05/04 10:44 AM Re: Spanking as SA? (TRIGGER)
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Sean it was abuse plain and simple and coming from your perp made it all the worse.

As a small child and growing up I was always the kid taken to the woodshed to get the crap beat out of me. Whippings, broken bones, cuts and the whole nine yards. There was no sexual assault but it sure played hell with my sense of self worth and what I was good for. Had no friends cause they did not want to get caught in the line of fire. It kind of set me up for what happened later at Military College.

Sean it took me a long time to realize that it was not my fault and that I had worth. I thought it was the only way to get attention and, would you believe it love, as a child. Pisses me off now

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#21140 - 02/05/04 11:56 AM Re: Spanking as SA? (TRIGGER)
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Sean,

It was all mixed together for me, the SA and "discipline" of being hit with a small stick, humiliation, belittling, etc.

I am trying to deal with the self-loathing and undermined self-confidence this resulted in. Its an uphill battle in some ways but at least I now mentally understand that it all (and I mean all) was inappropriate and wrong.

Brett

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#21141 - 02/05/04 12:01 PM Re: Spanking as SA? (TRIGGER)
survive75 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 304
Loc: Massachusetts
Thanks for replying guys. Still with me this morning... the memories, I mean.

Yes, David, he (my stepdad) was my abuser as well. And the humiliation in front of others I think was, as you said, for control. Sort of a way to make me not tell maybe? If he was doing this in front of them, then they must know about the other stuff, it must be normal for him to do that, thereby ensuring that I wouldn't say anything? I don't know. I'm sorry you had to endure humiliation in front of others, but thank you for talking about it here. It helps so much.

And Mikey, I am sorry that you had do endure physical violence to that extent. It really does a number on the self-worth, no? Mine was usually just spanking and the belt, but it seemed (in my mind anyway) that it happened all the time, that I could never do anything right, that I deserved it, etc. No, it didn't help that he incorporated some of the SA with the physical punishments. Even the SA that I do remember without punishments was violent, forced, and used as a tool of punishment in my opinion.

Brett - I hope to get to the point of really believing that all of this was wrong.

Again, sorry to ramble, but after bringing them up yesterday, these images just won't go away.

-Sean

_________________________
-Sean

"Even though I know/I donít want to know/Yeah I guess I know/I just hate how it sounds"

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#21142 - 02/06/04 02:03 AM Re: Spanking as SA? (TRIGGER)
survive75 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 304
Loc: Massachusetts
Found this tonight online. Shocked to find how much it validated my feelings. Thought it might help others too:
http://www.nospank.net/sexdngrs.htm

_________________________
-Sean

"Even though I know/I donít want to know/Yeah I guess I know/I just hate how it sounds"

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#21143 - 02/06/04 10:47 AM Re: Spanking as SA? (TRIGGER)
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Sean it is better to know what you are dealing with than something vague and undefined. At least it was for me. While the naked truth hurt me terribly I was able to change my emotions around them. Now I remembered most of what happened to me but there were times when some shit surfaced and whacked me good.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#21144 - 02/06/04 12:09 PM Re: Spanking as SA? (TRIGGER)
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Hey Sean - I'm glad you found that article. I was about to say the same thing here. We teach kids - GoodTouch/Bad Touch and it covers that buttocks area. What a confusing message we send?!
Especially when we tell kids no one can touch your private areas then pull their pants down to spank them in the "No Touch" area. We lose all focus on what consequences are to accomplish.

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#21145 - 02/06/04 12:47 PM Re: Spanking as SA? (TRIGGER)
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
It is confusing to children I am sure.

Isn't it still the general understanding of adults that the good touch/bad touch thing doesn't apply to parents? They can still pretty much touch as they like with impunity.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#21146 - 02/06/04 03:25 PM Re: Spanking as SA? (TRIGGER)
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Sean,

Someone once told me that if it looks, walks, and quacks like a duck, then it's a duck and nothing else can change that.

F**KING QUACK to your "stepfather" (Lord, he does NOT deserve to be called that!).

Went thru therapy too, and it was hard last night, but somehow liberating (most good sessions are, really). Helped put this funk I'm in into perspective. I have to dig my way out of this. No one else can help me (but the support here is my safety net, of which you're a part).

Sean, I hope the day gets better for you, because you deserve it. YOU are the strong man here, and don't let ANY of the lies the @$$hole told you make you believe otherwise.

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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