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#211882 - 03/20/08 01:22 PM Re: self worth [Re: dgoods]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
I can relate to that dgoods. I am used to dealing wtih rejection and indifference. To have someone actually make the effort to get past the "dog and pony show" scares me. I don't know what to do with that. With compliments, warm non sexual hugs, admiration, etc. I get real awkward and start funbling with words and just want to run. I realize now what is going on and hate doing that and feeling that and it just adds to the uncomfortablness of the situation. Sigh.


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#211907 - 03/20/08 04:19 PM Re: self worth [Re: Freedom49]
ineffable Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 1371
Loc: state of holeecrapdood
I think you were on the verge of answering your own questions in the post you made this morning Jarrad

Craig

_________________________
:: "Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there" ::


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#211911 - 03/20/08 04:30 PM Re: self worth [Re: ineffable]
simonsurvives Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/17/08
Posts: 58
Loc: California, Fresno
I noticed in your post you said "i hate doing that and feeling that" don't beat yourself. It is ok to feel what you feel. If you accept it and then understand the feelings and distortions you can change the thoughts and eventually the feelings. Hope you get through this. We are here.
Simon


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#211925 - 03/20/08 06:00 PM Re: self worth [Re: simonsurvives]
SuperTramp7981 Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/06/08
Posts: 99
Loc: Massachusetts
My self worth is in my head completely. Am I happy? Am I enjoying the one life I have? Am I satisfied with my situation? Screw what other people think/say about me. I got over that basically in 9th grade when I realized I wasn't ever going to be the "same" as everyone else.



Edited by SuperTramp7981 (03/20/08 06:00 PM)
_________________________
Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds.
Have no fear for atomic energy,
'Cause none of them can stop the time.
How long shall they kill our prophets,
While we stand aside and look? Ooh!
Some say it's just a part of it:
We've got to fulfil de book.

Chat Name-Lparsons

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#211934 - 03/20/08 06:50 PM Re: self worth [Re: Jarrad]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jarrad,

Originally Posted By: Jarrad
i can confrom to pretty much anything people need. i picked up these skills from abuse, but i dont know if its a bad thing. but i do it so often i have no idea what is my authentic self. so i can sit on the boards here and post about wahtever and i get brownie points for using the quailities that were discussed before. and everyone says "good job jarrad." but do i mean it, or am i just playing you all? am i doing it just because i want to be preceived in another way, or do i really mean it.


You're basically coming to terms here with the difference between manipulating the world to get what you need and want, and standing by values and ideals because you believe in them. The first perspective is the one you need on the street: you know you don't count, so fuck it. You do whatever you need to do in order to survive. The second perspective, however, is that of a guy who is beginning to sense that he IS worthwhile just as himself and amounts to something more than superficial things like his good looks, his fit body, and his flash job.

At the end of the day, bro, any asshole can look good and have a great job - but he's still an asshole and not worth knowing or caring about.

You wonder what there is to Jarrad that's worth caring about. Got a few hours? \:D But here are a few things I can say though I have never met you:

1. Your problems/answers focus. You don't want to beat around the bush. You want to get down to genuine problems.

2. Your courage. You aren't afraid to take risks, once you see they are worth taking.

3. Your practical outlook. You're interested in how ideas can (or can't) work in the real world. You hate bullshit. \:\)

4. Your sense of humor. Here's an hour in itself!

5. Your willingness to need people you trust. You're a very social animal, in a very positive sense.

6. Your honesty. You call it as you see it.

7. Your integrity. After what you have been through you ought to be a total wreck ethically. But you have a sense of values that serves you well.

And so on.

How do you know you're not just faking it? For one thing, just the fact that you ask that question shows you are keeping it real. And superficiality is one of the easiest facades to see through. Has anyone ever accused you of that?

But your question is one that, in some way or another, many survivors ask. There's a good reason for that. As we shed all the false ideas and lies that abusers taught us, that feels pretty good! Hey, I wasn't worthless, I wasn't to blame, and so forth. But after a point we look and we see that while we have been clearing away the garbage, we haven't yet been replacing it with anything. We don't know who we are, in a way.

All that will come, Jarrad. The important thing is to keep working on things and keep moving forward, even though no one can guarantee you any specific results or show you an action plan with a fixed end-date. At the end of the day we just have to remember that we're worth it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#211993 - 03/20/08 10:48 PM Re: self worth [Re: roadrunner]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Quote:
4. Your sense of humor. Here's an hour in itself!



I teased you last night in chat Jarrad, I knew I could do that with you. I never would have even considered doing that with another person here. I've known many of the guys here for a long time but with you it was a given that I would get a smile and a laugh.

Humour means so very much to me Jarrad, just one little thing that makes you so very special in my eyes.

Thank you
Love you
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#212038 - 03/21/08 01:36 AM Re: self worth [Re: mogigo]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1961
Quote:
...you may have gotten into the habit of being what you think the "crowd" or ppl your with want you to be. It definately helped you in many situations to be successuful in whatever was required of you at the moment. The trouble is that once we get into pattern of being that way it is very hard to find and return to our "Center" of who we really are or want to be.


I was like that all through high school I think (and maybe some after that as well). I seemed to behave to the group norms whatever they were for any given situation or environment. But in looking back, the happiest memories I had is when I was genuinely connecting with others in an open and honest, non-destructive fashion. I have done a lot of soul searching these last few years (maybe even since 1991 since I remembered, though it was full of confusion and chaos at first). But I am now much more at a place where I know what I value and believe and have enough self-respect that I can hold true to those things. It is very much a good thing. I am not perfect, but I am much more true to myself than I have been in the past. Funny thing is, I had a lot of these values I hold dear even at a young age. Funny how that stuff can get corrupted by all the garbage life throws at one's self.


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#212100 - 03/21/08 10:13 AM Re: self worth [Re: ericc]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
"How do you know you're not just faking it? For one thing, just the fact that you ask that question shows you are keeping it real. And superficiality is one of the easiest facades to see through. Has anyone ever accused you of that?"

accused me of being superfical? actually no ironically enough. i think guys i ususally hang with, dont care or are superfical too. and plus, i dont really talk about this stuff in the general population so im not about to say "oh i think im pretty and that's all that matters." haha. maybe being superfical is expected. its all about perception. even at my job now. i still get paid to screw people. and as harsh as it is, guys who appear put together and are cute go farther. particularly in my line of work. but thats a tangent.

superficial. i think that on some levels i am. obviously if i am even posting about this topic that i would have to be. but i think that it's just a ploy to get people to like me. yes, i realize that people shouldnt care what people look like. but in a room of people, eyes always go to the person who is wearing the best clothes. who is cute. who is confident. that gets people to approach you.after that, all the other stuff that makes up self worth comes into play. but how it's packaged is really important in this society. (even if you dont want to belive it.)

but larry, i actually really appreciate that list. its so weird to hear someone elses de>

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#212281 - 03/22/08 01:10 PM Re: self worth [Re: Jarrad]
jcf1957 Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/11/07
Posts: 192
Loc: North Of The 49th Parallel
Hi Jarrad;
I believe "Self Worth" is something we all have to learn.
It certainly has been one of my biggest stumbling blocks in life.
I too appreciate Larry's list. It's helped me look a things differently. The Following words have also helped me.

SELF WORTH - ("Ego- Strength Verses True Self Worth")

By Robert Burney

"As long as we look outside of Self - with a capital S - to find out who we are, to define ourselves and give us self-worth, we are setting ourselves up to be victims.

We were taught to look outside of ourselves - to people, places, and things; to money, property, and prestige - for fulfillment and happiness. It does not work, it is dysfunctional. We cannot fill the hole within with anything outside of Self.

You can get all the money, property, and prestige in the world, have everyone in the world adore you, but if you are not at peace within, if you don't Love and accept yourself, none of it will work to make you Truly happy.

When we look outside for self-definition and self-worth, we are giving power away and setting ourselves up to be victims. We are trained to be victims. We are taught to give our power away."

"As was stated earlier, Codependence could more accurately be called outer or external dependence. Outside influences (people, places, and things; money, property, and prestige) or external manifestations (looks, talent, intelligence) can not fill the hole within. They can distract us and make us feel better temporarily but they cannot address the core issue - they cannot fulfill us Spiritually. They can give us ego-strength but they cannot give us self-worth." - (all quotes in this color are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)

Spiritual Teacher and Codependency Therapist Robert Burney, whose work has been compared to John Bradshaw's "except much more spiritual" and described as "taking inner child healing to a new level," has developed a unique approach to emotional healing that is the next level of recovery from codependency so many people have been seeking. He has pioneered an inner child healing paradigm that offers a powerful, life changing formula for integrating Love, Spiritual Truth, and intellectual knowledge of healthy behavior into one's emotional experience of life - a blueprint for individuals to transform their core relationship with self and life.

Robert, whose work is firmly grounded on twelve step spiritual principles and emotional energy release / grief process therapy, learned in his own personal recovery that developing internal boundaries was the key to empowerment and freedom from the past. His unique approach and application of the concept of internal boundaries, coupled with a Loving spiritual belief system, make the work innovative and powerfully life changing.

In his book Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls "A Cosmic Perspective on Codependence and the Human Condition" he postulates that Codependence (i.e. outer or external dependence) is The Human Condition - and that we have now entered a new Age of Healing and Joy in which it is possible to heal the planet through healing our relationships with self. He combines Twelve Step Recovery Principles, Metaphysical Truth, and Native American Spirituality with quantum physics and molecular biology in presenting his belief that we are all connected, we are all extensions of the Divine, and that ultimately Love is our True essence. His personal Spiritual beliefs - which embrace both a the Almighty God or Christ Consciousness and cosmic Energy - is that we are Spiritual Beings having a human experience that is unfolding perfectly from a Cosmic perspective. He considers spirituality to be a word that describes one's relationship with life - and anyone, regardless of religious/spiritual belief or lack of it (who is not completely closed minded), can apply the approach he shares in his book to help them transform their experience of life into an easier, more Loving and enjoyable journey.



Edited by jcf1957 (03/22/08 01:13 PM)
_________________________
No affliction nor temptation, no guilt nor power of sin, no wounded spirit nor terrified conscious should induce us to despair comfort from God.

Today well lived...makes every tomorrow a vision of Hope.
Anonymous

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#212285 - 03/22/08 01:53 PM Re: self worth [Re: jcf1957]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
thanks jcf very informative and interesting.


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