I have wanted to reply to my post here, but I was sort of physically and mentally worn out to reply. I had a good trip, and I think it was beneficial to get out of my routine for a bit. All the guys were cool, and I didn't sense anything threating, in fact I felt pretty at ease. I guess I am still too tired to break down all that I may have thought about, but I think it was a positive experience.
Skiing for me is something I am pretty good at, but it holds a lot a mixed feelings for me. 15 years ago I was at the point where I could have really progressed with the sport, and I knew people who turned out to be big somewhat in the industry. There are other issues related to all this that bring up a lot a feelings for me. I became really depressed in late 1993 (after my latest chaotic attempt at memory suppression), and sort of gave up on a lot of things. I think part of what drove me to ski the way I did back then was a need for escape, but I also really enjoyed some of what I was doing. But I can see my mindset then was not totally right (I was trying to run and hide from myself, which doesn't work). So I sometimes bum-out thinking that I maybe could have done this or that. For some reason, skiing will do this to me. I have all sorts of stupid fantasies about what could have been, probably being extremely idealistic about how something may have turned out, but none the less I still mentally get caught up in it.
Anyway, one insight I had in regards to all this is that my life went bad back in 1986 (in some ways it became difficult in 1983, but these were things I think I could have handled given the abuse stuff didn't happen). So when I get stuck in some what-if thinking about if I would have just done this or that back in my college years (post 1990), that my life would be better and better things would have happened for me. But truth is, things went bad in 1986 and I need to not change things after that point, but to get to where I can heal the damage back at its source. Basically, until I deal with getting myself back to the me that was back then, all the other stuff is just more denial of sorts. Well, something like that, but I know I need to deal back to where it all began. I wish I could have done so earlier, but that doesn't change the fact that I need to deal with it now.