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#208949 - 03/05/08 10:39 AM Thoughts before a vacation
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1971
I have been realizing a lot lately. I see how I have been running from myself for a very long time. I see I have a lot of healing and growing to do. I see that things turned bad for me at some point in the past. I am gaining greater and greater clarity into things, but that doesn't yet solve the problem. I see I had my sexuality harmed by someone else's needs. I see my joy and spontaneity in life was affected by the behaviors of others. I see that I do not want to continue to let this stuff have the control on my life it has had. I see there is work to do. I see I have to let go a little bit and trust things will get better, in fact I'd have to say they have. But there is plenty of room for more improvement. I have a lot of issues to address and work on, but I am willing to make that effort.

I am off this afternoon to meet some people for a long weekend ski trip. Pretty excited actually, but also a little nervous. I really only know the one guy and not super well. But every time I have met some of his friends, they have all been pretty good people, so I am pretty sure it will be the same. I think I am more nervous that I wont be able to let go of all the stuff I am working on and just have a good time. So that is what I am going to try and do. Sure, I will think about things, but I am going to try and not overdo it. All the work will be there when I get back, but maybe even more importantly is that life is part of the work. I have learned a lot since finding this place, so I thank everyone for that.

Eric



Edited by ericc (03/05/08 02:28 PM)

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#208960 - 03/05/08 11:30 AM Re: Thoughts before a trip [Re: ericc]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
That is a great post Eric and very positive. Thank you. I might mention that while your on the slopes having fun be aware of you feelings and especially when your around your friend and his party. Think about how your feeling when you interact with them about your self and your self worth. Not hard just try to relax and listen to the flow of the conversation and be aware of what your feeling. Then remember and post about it later when you return. You might be amazed at what you can process during that time. Have Fun.


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#211357 - 03/17/08 10:39 PM Re: Thoughts before a trip [Re: Freedom49]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1971
I have wanted to reply to my post here, but I was sort of physically and mentally worn out to reply. I had a good trip, and I think it was beneficial to get out of my routine for a bit. All the guys were cool, and I didn't sense anything threating, in fact I felt pretty at ease. I guess I am still too tired to break down all that I may have thought about, but I think it was a positive experience.

Skiing for me is something I am pretty good at, but it holds a lot a mixed feelings for me. 15 years ago I was at the point where I could have really progressed with the sport, and I knew people who turned out to be big somewhat in the industry. There are other issues related to all this that bring up a lot a feelings for me. I became really depressed in late 1993 (after my latest chaotic attempt at memory suppression), and sort of gave up on a lot of things. I think part of what drove me to ski the way I did back then was a need for escape, but I also really enjoyed some of what I was doing. But I can see my mindset then was not totally right (I was trying to run and hide from myself, which doesn't work). So I sometimes bum-out thinking that I maybe could have done this or that. For some reason, skiing will do this to me. I have all sorts of stupid fantasies about what could have been, probably being extremely idealistic about how something may have turned out, but none the less I still mentally get caught up in it.

Anyway, one insight I had in regards to all this is that my life went bad back in 1986 (in some ways it became difficult in 1983, but these were things I think I could have handled given the abuse stuff didn't happen). So when I get stuck in some what-if thinking about if I would have just done this or that back in my college years (post 1990), that my life would be better and better things would have happened for me. But truth is, things went bad in 1986 and I need to not change things after that point, but to get to where I can heal the damage back at its source. Basically, until I deal with getting myself back to the me that was back then, all the other stuff is just more denial of sorts. Well, something like that, but I know I need to deal back to where it all began. I wish I could have done so earlier, but that doesn't change the fact that I need to deal with it now.


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