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#209176 - 03/06/08 06:19 PM For the one i let down through fear......
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Sifting through the darkness of my world
Lonely lost and wandering the secret paths of remembrance
scraps of memories flutter past like ashes in the wind

Black ash disturbed by my tread
fills the air with black specs of pain
i see you and hear you your touch is upon my shoulder

Crying silent tears for forgiveness and understanding
You had to go but i let your hand slip from mine
I lost the strength to carry you and you fell away

Taking your light from my eyes and dimming my vision
Never to feel again your hand in mine
I stumbled amd let you down

You got lost in your love for me and could not hide
The pain became you and burnt your soul to ash
I still live with that pain inside

I let you down and you could not stay nor go
I was caught but you were freed from the life we lived
My first love became etched in your image

If there is justice in the darkness
Then i should be laid beside you to be eternal
Deep in the earth but forever in the light

I still feel your touch i still want your touch
Holding my pain and shame from my mind

Still wandering the darkness looking for your eyes
Looking for the sight of you once again
Then i can rest and be part of you and cry your name


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#209201 - 03/06/08 07:29 PM Re: For the one i let down through fear...... [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Ben,

This was not your fault. I know it feels like it was; I often feel those twinges myself, but as I move forward they become less troublesome and less frequent. Ultimately I think we do come to see that as boys we were absolutely guiltless, and that as broken young men there was only so much we could do. A close friend of mine just the other day helped me a lot by observing that as boys and youths we "lived for the moment". That isn't our fault either. I'm glad you are talking about this, but I think that by doing so you are moving toward peace and recognition of your innocence, not more trauma and guilt. My thoughts are with you always.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#209291 - 03/07/08 11:18 AM Re: For the one i let down through fear...... [Re: roadrunner]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Larry

I so wish i could talk about this, i am trying to speak about this part of my life.

But it is so hard.

Ben


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#209305 - 03/07/08 11:59 AM Re: For the one i let down through fear...... [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Ben,
I can relate to your poem so well. I read it when you first posted but I could not comment at the time. It was just to close to home for me. This morning I am feeling better but still sad and remorseful. When I let myself go back there to those days and start remembering now. I am very sad and honestly there is much pain now in those memories. Time may heal all of that and I hope so. Thanks for the post. I think it is good to remember at times as it keeps me in perspective of my not so proud life.



Edited by Freedom49 (03/07/08 12:00 PM)

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#211211 - 03/17/08 05:55 AM Re: For the one i let down through fear...... [Re: Freedom49]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Im so tired of being here
suppressed by all my childish fears
and if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
your presence still lingers here
and it wont leave me alone

These wounds wont seem to heal
this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried id wiped away all of your tears
When you screamed id fight away all of your fears
and i held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light

NOW IM BOUND BY THE LIFE YOU LEFT BEHIND

Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me.

these wounds wont seem to heal
this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried id wipe away all of your tears
when you screamed id fight away all of your fears
and i held your hand through all of these years
but your still have all of me

IVE TRIED SO HARD TO TELL MYSELF THAT YOU ARE GONE
but though your still with me
ive been alone all along

When you cried id wipe away all of your tears
when you screamed id fight away all of your fears
and i held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

me...
me...

Evanescence My immortal

If you find love even when you are young, and that love is held by both of you. then you let down that person and the love binding you means he cannot go with out you, nor can he stay. What right have you got to heal or be forgiven.

Ben


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#211216 - 03/17/08 06:41 AM Re: For the one i let down through fear...... [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Ben,

You have every right to heal and you did nothing that requires forgiveness. I know it doesn't feel like that now, but in time you will believe this. It's part of being on the path of recovery.

I wish I had a way to convince you that you have not failed your friend because you have chosen to live and he did not. His choice was a tragic one and I have no words of blame for him, but yours was the braver one. I'm sure he would want you to press on in your recovery and not feel responsible for him. But I understand that you feel this way. I felt much the same way for a friend who was very close to be when I was young.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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