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#210902 - 03/15/08 06:30 PM Nightmares/Repressed Memories "Triggers"
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
As many of you know since I disclosed my CSA, I have and continue to have nightmares on a regular basis. Regular meaning sometimes 3 or 4 times a week. Sometimes I wake up screaming, sometimes I wake up b/4 I get to the screaming part. The nightmares have always been 2 specific sexual occurences by my perp. brother where my life was in jeopardy.

Thursday night I had another nightmare but this time it was with a neighbor boy who was raping me. I did remember him and my brother having sex, but until 2 nights ago I did not remember me being sexual abused by him. The nightmare now has brought back more repressed memories of my CSA. As I now have had time to think back and put pieces of my child hood together, yes my neighbor did rape me. It was not a one time occurence either.

This just isn't f...king fair. I am so pissed that all this is coming back to me. I thought the SA by my brother was to much to handle. Now I am having to deal with these f..d'ed up thoughts, memories, feelings and emotions. When I woke up from this nightmare, my first thought was that this is something that didn't happen to me. It was just a "bad dream". Well, I was wrong, my memories of this incident and others are coming back.

I just don't know how many more of these memories I can take. Has anyone else experienced that the repressed memories just keep on coming back and back? My mind is so f...k'ed up. One minute I think I have a "grip" on my CSA, then just that fast I am back to square one.

I am so tired of the roller coaster ride I am on. This roller coaster is not a ride I wish on anyone. The screams are not that of "fun" and "excitement", but of "missery" and abuse.

Sorry for the rant, why is it my T is not available when I need him the most?

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#210903 - 03/15/08 06:38 PM Re: Nightmares/Repressed Memories "Triggers" [Re: KENKEN]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Ken,
I can relate somewhat. I am having a few come back to me. Nothing as violent and what your having. Just very unpleasant and upsetting. I don't want them I forgot them for a reason and I don't want to remember. If you come across anything that will stop them let me know right away. I hate being blindsided by a crappy memory during sleep or awake and I have recently had both. After 50 some odd years of no memories I would just a soon never recall anything ever again. When will it stop? Does it ever stop?


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#210917 - 03/15/08 07:36 PM Re: Nightmares/Repressed Memories "Triggers" *DELETED* [Re: KENKEN]
awakening Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 342
Post deleted by awakening


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#211029 - 03/16/08 10:44 AM Re: Nightmares/Repressed Memories "Triggers" [Re: awakening]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
awakening,

I like your movie poster idea. Yea, whats next? Whats playing now? As I work through memories that come back and seem to put the piece in the puzzle, I feel, ok, whats next? What is it now this pea brain of mine going to remember next?

Yes, the roller coaster does go backward also. And all the rest of the moves you said above. I use to be on different med's that took away these "bad ups and downs". Now my med's let me feel again which I am happy for. But dam, do the downs have to be so freaking bad?

I do hope your wife and T are correct. I hope this is healing, sometimes I just don't see it that way. To me its like I want to get better and move on. But my mind says differently. No, stay here, this is just the "Preview of Coming Attractions"

Thanks for the input guys.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#211058 - 03/16/08 02:03 PM Re: Nightmares/Repressed Memories "Triggers" [Re: KENKEN]
Minute2Minute Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/08
Posts: 70
Loc: MB, Canada
Hey guys,
No words of wisdom here, because I don't have any....yet! The only thing I can say is that when we're at the bottom of the roller coaster and it feels like we're off the rails, maybe we can jump off and grab a corn-dog! (Ok...my stomach is turning at the thought too!) You're not alone. I just keep telling myself that for the first time ever that little guy inside has a voice and he's going to tell me his story. Yep, I'd like him to shut the f--- up, but it's the first time he's felt safe enough to talk...so I'm going to be strong enough to listen. He was strong enough to get me this far, and since he is ME, it must mean I'm strong enough to listen.

Take care of you,
SCOTT


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#211074 - 03/16/08 04:40 PM Re: Nightmares/Repressed Memories "Triggers" [Re: Minute2Minute]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Scott,

Boy, you hit on something that I did not think of. That being my "little guy" wants to tell me his story. I was just put in touch with him in the past few months. I love that guy for being so strong. I will take your advise and try to understand this.

I do hope though that my roller coaster will get back on the rails and head UP THE HILL.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

Top
#211119 - 03/16/08 07:18 PM Re: Nightmares/Repressed Memories "Triggers" [Re: KENKEN]
Army Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 90
Loc: California
Hey KenKen,

Just read your post. I can relate to the dreams. They are unsettling. Mine take on the aspect of the affection and trust that was peverted by my father. Often they are "wet" dreams, which makes it even worse. My wife helped me to talk through them latley. I too had all this memory burried and come up over the last year. I can relate to what you said about thinking you got things under control then wamm... some other thing you never expected. My consoltation has been that now I'm older I am ready to handel the crap that happened.

Just know that your not alone. Hang in there.

Army

_________________________
07 Peebbles WOR Alummni

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