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#211094 - 03/16/08 05:55 PM losing battle
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
i can't do this anymore. this "recovery" BS is tearing me apart. i hate getting up in the morning. i hate going to bed at night. i do not want to be a father, husband, working man. but i don't want to be alone.

how am i supposed to keep going on? what drives you guys to keep trying when it hurts so much? or when it feels like you're not making any progress anyway. where do you find the strength? what in yourself gives you your motivation?

i've heard a lot of religious answers to this question - but i am purposely not asking in the Spirituality forum. Or is that it? Is the only way to make it thru by using some sort of spiritual strength? GAH

Plain and simple - I hate my life. I have no idea what would be better - maybe because nothing would be. I don't want to be drugged out to the point I'm spaced and not "here". Maybe that's it. It's not that I hate my life - I hate NOT HAVING a life.

Anyway you look at it, I feel I'm losing the battle. Because I'm just too tired to go on.


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#211101 - 03/16/08 06:10 PM Re: losing battle [Re: MarkK]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Mark,

I sure do feel for you today. I understand your point on med's. I hated always feeling like I had NO feeling. I am thinking that maybe, just maybe, your med's need to be reevaluated.

I can only speak for myself Mark, but when I get way down as you are today, try not look at the Big Picture, rather just try to get through today. Sometimes looking at the whole aspect of CSA is way to overwhelming for me. Times like this are when I try to focus on my spiritual strength also.

You are a good person! Your family needs you, your friends need you and you need to live for that INNER CHILD of yours who was and is a survivor.

Mark, I feel you are not losing the battle, you are fighting the battle. And you will win! I know you well enough to know that.

Feel free to PM me.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#211104 - 03/16/08 06:20 PM Re: losing battle [Re: MarkK]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I keep going because I know that someday it will get better, and I have learned that my past history and experiences will someday help someone else. I don't have much of a life but I don't focus on it anymore. I'm 44 and own a house with my mom. I have a couple friends at work and not really any out of work. I have you guys and thats enough for me. I came here and took everything I could to help myself get better, I have bad days, bad weeks, but still I come back and share whatever is going on, you all help me get past the rough times and in return I give back when I can. When you see a reply to one of your posts that has helped someone that is what keeps me going. I don't need approval as much as knowing I am doing something worth while, and making a difference. I'm not going to let my perp win and ruin my life anymore. He controlled me for 25 years of hell and I aint going back!
Hope this helps Mark

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#211110 - 03/16/08 06:38 PM Re: losing battle [Re: GateKPR4]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Markk,
I know it feels like hell now. Maybe you could use something to level out the emotions a little bit. Understand that recovery is cyclic. There will be up days and down days. There will be days neither up or down and there will be times like now that give a whole new meaning to down.
You have been damaged in your soul and spirit as well as your body. You need to remember that. Had you broken an arm or had pneumonia you would have recovered with barely noticable scaring. With this crap the scars are on the inside because the wound is on the inside. It is only seen most times by people who know us and cna look close.
I know it hurts guy, I weep for you. But you have to hang in there. Your worth it beyond what you can imagine. You loving wife is worth that and you made a vow to her. You kid/s are looking to you to learn how they will deal with the tragedies of their future lives. If you can find strength in the spiritual, go for it. That part of you is in fact wounded.
You child within did what ever he had to to survive and get you here to where you could help him deal with his pain. Don't let him down, don't let yourself and your family down. You can do this. You don't want to, I get that. None of us did. But we found it was well worth with in the end.
Draw strength where ever you can. Cope however you must. Post, vent, rant, cry, rage, whatever but hang on. We are here for you. Your one of us. YOu will make it. I promise it gets better.


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#211111 - 03/16/08 06:40 PM Re: losing battle [Re: GateKPR4]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Ken,
As for meds - I am no longer numb - I quit taking them. They were screwing up my life - and somebody needs to look out for me. Since the doctors aren't - I guess I have to.

As for me being a good person - I don't know that any more. Not sure I ever did, but I seriously doubt it now. A good person doesn't want to just give up on everything and everybody. So ... I just dunno about that one.

Ricky,
You said you don't need approval as much as knowing you are doing something worthwhile and making a difference. I can understand that - and if I thought anything I did made any difference maybe I could get more energy behind doing something. Right now - I just don't see a whole lot of point to it. It's not like anything ever changes. I make aquaintances, trust them, think of them as friends, and lose them. For every step forward I'm shoved 40 feet back.

I appreciate the words of hope, guys - I really do. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to grasp onto them. Or even care to try.

And I'm petrified that if I lose this time ... there won't be another. If I can't make it through this one, then it just isn't worth the effort. I'm not talking doing harm to myself - just not hurting myself for no reason. My T says there's beneficial pain and worthless pain. Well ... I'm beginning to think none of it is beneficial. One thing for sure - it all hurts.


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#211115 - 03/16/08 06:59 PM Re: losing battle [Re: MarkK]
MagRaith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/07
Posts: 69
Loc: Salt Lake City, UT
Mark -
I'm no expert by any means, but what you are describing is exactly the rant I had with my T just the other day. I felt so tired, so worn out, so hopeless I just wanted to give up. Intense pain and frustration at not seeing any change. The more I work on it, the more overwhelming it gets. So I totally get what you are saying. I usually feel completely empty inside, no emotions, I don't feel any joy in life, I feel like what I contribute to humanity would be contributed by someone else if I didn't exist.

My T could only encourage me to hold on. My T had past experience with people like me and they had found some peace of mind, some relief, some happiness in life. I was promised I could find the same if I just kept fighting the fight. Not the answer I wanted, because I wanted instant gratification. But it is the truth. I was told to look at what I have in life that I do value, my kids and partner - I know I feel love for them, and I really want to conquer this so I can be the kind of person I want to be, not the person that I was turned into by a sadistic pedophile. If I give up, he wins.

So I take it one day at a time, its all I can do, and try to have faith that things will improve. One thing I know, I can always give up but once I do that I won't likely ever know if it would have worked. I've already been through too much shit and I'm too stubborn to let the fucker that raped and tortured me for years to determine what my life will ultimately become. I'm not religious, not really spiritual but I do hold on to the faith that comes from my T and from others on this site.

Kurt


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#211120 - 03/16/08 07:21 PM Re: losing battle [Re: MagRaith]
needhelp Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/25/01
Posts: 7
Loc: Denver, CO
Mark, Hang in there my friend. I am in colorado too and in time like this I used to reach out to friends that I made at wings support group. I met wonderful people there and they have been of great help even by just listening to me.

Adam


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#211123 - 03/16/08 07:31 PM Re: losing battle [Re: MagRaith]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Roger,
...my loving wife is worth it and I made a vow to her... I don't even know where to start on that one. I won't argue whether or not my wife is loving - she's still with me - you can gather from that what you will. As to the vows made - I am extremely aware of that vow, as it resounds in my head daily. And as for promising it will get better - I learned long ago never to promise what I could not myself fulfill.

Kurt,
I think you've hit most of it. Empty inside. No joy in life. Anything I do contribute could easily be done by anyone else. I used to think I too was too stubborn to let anything stop me once I set my mind - but I wasn't as tired then. Or worn out and beaten down.

Adam,
I too am a member of a Wings support group. In fact, we have a meeting next Tuesday. My problem right now is I don't even see a reason to attend.

I can drag myself through the mud if there is a goal to be reached. Maybe it has something to do with how exhausted I am, I don't know. I only know I no longer see a purpose to trying. So right now I'm hanging on because others who have suffered and are suffering are telling me it's worth it. And right now I have to believe in something.

I need every word of support I'm getting - and there is no way a simple "thank you" will ever show how much I truly am grateful for it. But it doesn't change the fact that I'm frightened and alone and I don't know how much longer I can hang on to vapor.


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#211135 - 03/16/08 08:00 PM Re: losing battle [Re: MarkK]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Mark get some rest. Take some time. Fall back and punt. When your rested beleive me things will look better. I like what someone said previously. If you can't take one day at a time. Take one hour at a time. Five minutes at a time if you have to. But do get some rest you sound exhausted.


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#211138 - 03/16/08 08:16 PM Re: losing battle [Re: Freedom49]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
rest... yeah. that would be good. maybe that's where i should start, finding a med that will help me sleep. then maybe everything else will be a little more manageable.

maybe


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#211147 - 03/16/08 08:56 PM Re: losing battle [Re: Freedom49]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
Mark,

I felt just the way that you do about 9 months ago. I had started my healing journey and everything appeared to be going very well, then I had a perios where I felt empty and worthless and physically and emotionally exhausted. I was spent from trying to deal with my CSA 24/7. I had no interest in being with my family and in fact, I thought why even go on living...I was so tired. Everything was tolerable while was working but when I came home or by myself,I dwelled on the CSA and I felt terrible. Finally, I had kind of a come to Jesus talk with God and asked why am I being punished. I started going to church/mass 4-5 times a week, and I started to spend more time with my family...and a little less time on the CSA each night. Somehow, this seem to work for me....a renewed faith in god and my family. The continous depression/sadness...just kind of disappeared...I still have bad days, but nothing like I was experiencing. I think one of the keys is to try and have balance in your life...learn to have fun and relax..i know it is easier said then done. It seems so very odd to say you have to learn how to have fun and relax...but unfortunately..that is what we have to do...since we have lived our lives at a constant state of hightened alert...we never relax...always on guard...well, at least for me.

I hope you feel better and find some comfort and joy in your life soon. Your family loves you and needs you...and you need them! We are here for you...

Dan


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#211148 - 03/16/08 09:00 PM Re: losing battle [Re: DanM]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Thanx, Dan. Right now being exhausted is all i can focus on - so maybe that is what i need to deal with first. part of that "learning to relax" thing... Then maybe being alone won't feel so terminal




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#211195 - 03/17/08 12:26 AM Re: losing battle [Re: MarkK]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mark,

I was away for the weekend and so didn't see this until now. I don't have a lot to offer that hasn't already been said, but I CAN say that meds helped me a lot back when I was starting out.

Like you, I hated the idea of being medicated or zoned out, but that's not what happened. I had bad depression and I was so dysfunctional there were days I just could not even leave the house. On top of that the feelings I was having were just crushing and overwhelming.

The meds didn't make me feel spaced out. They restored my sense of emotional balance and that allowed me to function again and begin to do the serious work. And meds aren't a lifetime sentence either. I was on a maximum dose of mine and it took 6 months to phase them out, but by December last year I was off them entirely.

Taking meds isn't a sign of failure, Mark, and it doesn't mean we're losing it. It's just asking for the help we need.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#211230 - 03/17/08 09:43 AM Re: losing battle [Re: roadrunner]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: roadrunner
Taking meds isn't a sign of failure, Mark, and it doesn't mean we're losing it. It's just asking for the help we need.

It is said perception is over half the battle.


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