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#210974 - 03/16/08 01:51 AM Alone...
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
In a familiar valley right now. My depression seemed so in control and at the high mark, but Im feeling the dropping sensation so much the past few weeks. I really hate being in the valley. I hate feeling alone and even though i know i have so many friends that care about me, i feel like a piece of shit. Im mourning my childhood and miss it even though it was full of pain and confusion. I feel im trapped in someone elses body and dont mentally know how to be an adult but so many pressure me to be one. So i get so stressed being something im not. Feeling sad and frustrated. Thanks for being here for me.

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#210975 - 03/16/08 01:59 AM Re: Alone... [Re: AndyJB2005]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
(((((( Here Brother ))))))))


Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#210979 - 03/16/08 02:59 AM Re: Alone... [Re: Muldoon]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
I am so sorry Andy for you pain. I want you to know I am thinking of you and here for you. Know this that we all do and we all will go though valleys as well as hills emotionally. It is natures cycle. It will pass. If we are smart and I certainly am not we would plan for these low places by having places of safety to retreat to and regoup. Whether with our friends or with a good book, movie, garden, or what ever. You my good friend are coming here and that is wise. We love you here and know you here. You can have your valley here and you will not be alone. It may not hurt less but you will not be alone and that is something. Be good to yourself at this time. Have some ice cream. With chocolate syrup. Nuts and cherry.

yours in the struggle....



Edited by Freedom49 (03/16/08 03:00 AM)

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#210987 - 03/16/08 06:29 AM Re: Alone... [Re: Freedom49]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
Andy,

I know these valleys of low and depressed feelings really hurt. I think the emotional roller coaster is one of the most difficult aspects of CSA recovery to deal with. Hang in there. It is obvious you have many people who care and respect you, and will here to support you. I know when I am feeling this way, it does help to do something nice for yourself and to reflect on all the good and kind people that are on here. I hope today and all the days that come will be better for you.

Dan M.


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#210989 - 03/16/08 06:47 AM Re: Alone... [Re: DanM]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Been going through some of these valleys myself Andy, your not alone. My last was pretty bad and I was actually thinking of committing myself for my own protection. But I went to my doc and she tweaked my medication. Seems to be working now but I'm still in the valley just not as deep. Keep on posting and chat to some of the guys. Do something nice for yourself like have some ice cream, listen to some happy music, do something you like. I have been working in the yard when the weather is good. Today is supposed to be good but we had bad storms last night so everything is wet. Maybe I'll go get some plants and work on the front flower garden.
Sunshine also helps get through the lows.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_ô¿ô_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#210994 - 03/16/08 07:29 AM Re: Alone... [Re: GateKPR4]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
Andy--------I hope you can break free of this quickley-----------------myslef----------i have the same thing going on-the lows and highs-------------------i am about below the middle today-----a few days ago my thoughts of harming myself was a big high-------------------------when i hit my real lows ---peoples enchouragement--------------doesnt really sink in---------------------i think just words-----------------------------please be kind to yourself-----------------------you deserve the best ---------------------i know just words-------------------steve


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#211010 - 03/16/08 09:11 AM Re: Alone... [Re: sabata]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6424
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Andy,

There's not a whole lot anyone can do to pull you up out of that valley. You just seem to find your way out with enough wandering and exploring.

As I've told you before; I'm very happy I have you in my life. I've come to love you like a brother. Not a lot of people impress me, but you clearly do.

Hang in there today and try to attend the Sunday night Healing Circle. They have pulled me out of some dark places many times.

You've got my number. Call me ANY time.

_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#211019 - 03/16/08 10:12 AM Re: Alone... [Re: Still]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
Thanks everyone for the replies. I'm feeling better than when I posted this, though not 100%.

I think when I go to work my sadness is magnified 10 fold because I have to be the bad guy a lot of times. Sigh...I hate being stern and stuff. But I'm home now and already feeling a bit better.

I really appreciate you guys thinkin' of me. It helps a lot. Right now I'm just trying to let the sadness and frustration float by me like a cloud, and not even pay attention to it. It doesn't deserve my attention. \:\)

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#211021 - 03/16/08 10:23 AM Re: Alone... [Re: AndyJB2005]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11086
Loc: Denver, CO
Speakin' Andy-to-Andy, I hear ya. Been through this many times where I felt like some kid stuck at 10yo wondering when I would get to grow up again.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#211028 - 03/16/08 10:44 AM Re: Alone... [Re: FormerTexan]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
Yeah...I feel like a 5 year old...and everyone's telling him to grow up and act like an adult, but he just doesn't know how. No matter how much people tell him to grow up, he doesn't have the skills. So I'm kind of faking it day-to-day...but getting better...

Kind of been doing some work in therapy growing up slowly.

Besides, is it that big a deal if you're almost 27 and like The Wiggles? LOL People freak out...oh well.

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#211031 - 03/16/08 10:55 AM Re: Alone... [Re: AndyJB2005]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Andy,

I certainly am no expert on others peoples' pain and emotional journey. All I can say is for me when my roller coaster ride is going down the hill, I try to make the most out of how bad I am feeling. I feel I need those down times to tell myself or convince myself that when the good times/better times come around, to grasp onto them and enjoy them all the more.

I AM beginning to enjoy the good times more and more. I use to think if I felt good then I should feel guilty for feeling good. Why am I feeling good? I am suppose to feel bad as I deal with CSA? Because I feel good does this mean that I am not working hard enough of healing? Does this mean I am not wanting to heal? Does this mean I have given up on healing? I hope it just means that there is a time when my mind will not be consumed with what happened to me, but how can I make the best out of the rest of my life.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#211032 - 03/16/08 10:55 AM Re: Alone... [Re: AndyJB2005]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
...and Thomas the Tank, Harold and the Purple Crayon, The Backyardigans, pretty much every kids show. Eep...:-X

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#211034 - 03/16/08 11:08 AM Re: Alone... [Re: AndyJB2005]
arronb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Perth
Hi Andy ...

Bob the Builder is my favourite ...
Can we fix it .. yes we can \:\)

Thank god I have 2 godsons (6 & 7) who indulge my
need for a Bob fix LOL



Edited by arronb (03/16/08 11:10 AM)
_________________________
Keep Smilin'
arronb

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#211039 - 03/16/08 11:30 AM Re: Alone... [Re: arronb]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I loved Harold and the purple crayon \:\)

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_ô¿ô_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#211040 - 03/16/08 11:47 AM Re: Alone... [Re: arronb]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Hi Andy,

I'm sorry your feeling sad and frustrated. I'm here for you too, anytime.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#211249 - 03/17/08 12:03 PM Re: Alone... [Re: AndyJB2005]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
hugs andy hope you feel even better

take care

MJ

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#211252 - 03/17/08 12:22 PM Re: Alone... [Re: michael Joseph]
Minute2Minute Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/08
Posts: 70
Loc: MB, Canada
Hey Andy, guys,
At least when we feel, we know we're human. Yep, when I'm down I'm the turd in the toilet waiting for someone to push the lever and flush me away. The lows are generally off the radar of "normal" in my opinion, but it just means I'm an overly sensitive guy. That kinda helps make the lows not last so long. I'm still down, nowhere near getting up, but I'm a little better than yesterday, and a whole lot better than the day before.

We were all robbed of our childhood. Now, we can indulge ourselves in the innocent pleasures of a child. I feel no guilt or shame for wanting this. If I want to make a newspaper pirate hat, put on an eyepatch, and float popsicle stick rafts in the sewers then dammit I'm going to do it! (Of course, I hope that I'll have my nephew with me so I don't feel like too much of a dork!) Some of the happiest people I've met embrace the childish side of them - it keeps them young. And to those who want to judge me as immature or silly for wanting to play with Lego or take plastic army men into the bath with me, then F--- them! They're just jealous that they aren't secure enough with themselves to just have fun! \:\)

Take care of you,
SCOTT


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#211259 - 03/17/08 12:46 PM Re: Alone... [Re: AndyJB2005]
jcf1957 Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/11/07
Posts: 192
Loc: North Of The 49th Parallel
Hi Andy;
Bro you've gotta hang in there. I know all about those deep gutters and valleys . Every morning I got to drag my sorry ass out of bed and face that painful nagging song that poisons my heart.
But; you know friend there is happiness and longing peace at the end of the tunnel. That's not some lame whimsical fairy-tale.
We will all victoriously triumph. In that I have absolutely no doubt. Keep up your hope and faith.
Much love
webrooter aka Chris

_________________________
No affliction nor temptation, no guilt nor power of sin, no wounded spirit nor terrified conscious should induce us to despair comfort from God.

Today well lived...makes every tomorrow a vision of Hope.
Anonymous

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#212734 - 03/24/08 05:37 PM Re: Alone... [Re: jcf1957]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
hang in there buddy we are all in the same boat
I think I might stay on shore for a while

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#213117 - 03/25/08 11:24 PM Re: Alone... [Re: AndyJB2005]
dking777 Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/17/08
Posts: 94
Loc: CA



That is my take on it anyway.











Edited by dking777 (10/25/09 01:30 AM)
_________________________
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

Bittersweet Symphony

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