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#210966 - 03/16/08 01:12 AM Anyone supporting a son who was target of a female
vda Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/16/08
Posts: 7
Loc: Canada
Hi,

Are there any parents on this forum supporting a son who was a young adult victim of sexualized violence by a female perpetrator?


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#210970 - 03/16/08 01:22 AM Re: Anyone supporting a son who was target of a female [Re: vda]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Hi vda.

I'm not aware of any fathers or mothers of victims that might be here, but I do know that there are some male survivors of sexual abuse by females that come here regularly.

If you would like, I could link them to your post and see if you might have any questions. Just let me know ok?


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#210972 - 03/16/08 01:36 AM Re: Anyone supporting a son who was target of a female [Re: Hauser]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Hause I spoke with yda in chat and they want some advice and some help with their adult son. If you could link that would be great. Thanks.


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#211083 - 03/16/08 05:23 PM Re: Anyone supporting a son who was target of a female [Re: Freedom49]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey vda, I'm a survivor of sexual assault by a female when I was in my teens. If I can be of help with any question's please feel free to PM me. I'll do my best to answer question's and offer any insights I might have.

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#211116 - 03/16/08 06:59 PM Re: Anyone supporting a son who was target of a female [Re: Hauser]
vda Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/16/08
Posts: 7
Loc: Canada
Thanks Hauser, that would be great!
vda


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#211117 - 03/16/08 07:12 PM Re: Anyone supporting a son who was target of a female [Re: mogigo]
vda Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/16/08
Posts: 7
Loc: Canada
Hi Mogigo,

Thanks for you offer to help. I noticed that you are from Canada. We are too! From the Vancouver area.

We held out such high hopes for our son to access the help he needed from the Mens's Trauma Center in the area . . . and very tragically, the male cousellor he saw ended up seriously re-traumatizing him, when he tried to do EMDR with our son, in his second session--way too early to try anything like that before real trust and rapport are established with the therapist. Furthermore, our son was still in the very early stages of post-trauma, and feeling very raw and still "freaked out" by what had happened to him.

So needless to say, the effect this has had on my son, is that he feels there is no where safe where he can turn to for help besides talking to his mum and dad. . . we love him very much, and have been providing a listening ear, and a "ministry of presence" but he needs skillful, sensitive professional help . . . and we and he are at our wits end . . . as to where to go. . . after the EMDR fiasco he is naturally more afraid than he was before to trust any kind of professional help.

I think the hardest thing he is experiencing right now, is the sense of isolation, the disenfranchisement of his experience. He needs to experience a community of support, and it seems there is no where for him right now. The Men's Trauma Centre does hold group therapy from time to time. . . but after his re-traumatization there, that is no longer an option.

Just wondering if you ever got any help through a support group in Canada?

Thanks,
vda


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#211124 - 03/16/08 07:32 PM Re: Anyone supporting a son who was target of a female [Re: vda]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6511
Loc: Terminus
vda,

I'm so sorry to read this about your son. I can feel his pain from here.

Have you considered showing him this site? I don't know how old he is, but there are guys of all ages here (from 15 on up as far as I know)

_________________________
When the phone don't ring, I'll know its you.

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#211126 - 03/16/08 07:48 PM Re: Anyone supporting a son who was target of a female *DELETED* [Re: Still]
awakening Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 342
Post deleted by awakening


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#211416 - 03/18/08 07:11 AM Re: Anyone supporting a son who was target of a female [Re: awakening]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2017
Loc: durham, north england
Hello.

I'd very much like to help, sinse I feel a lot of sympathy for for what you and your son are going through.

I experienced abuse as a teenager all through my time at secondary school, and I'm now 25 and trying to cope myself. there are some things my parents have done for me, ---- particularly in the last few months when I've realized that "no I'm not fine" and have started really feeling and trying to work through both the pain and my feelings that have very much helped.

the firstly, as you've already said, is the support issue. This has been quite hard for me sinse I think of myself as an independent person and thus relying on them for something so personal is difficult.but I've got through it, and we're now at the stage where I can freely tell my mum I'm feeling incredibly depressed, this is really helpful.

the other thing is space. It's really great to know my parents are there when I need them, but are willing to give me space. Over last christmas this was very physical space, ---- letting me be alone when I felt down and didn't want company, but being there should I need them. also, there's a question of physical space. I've always had a big problem with physical affection and contact, ---- something my mum picked up on even before she new about the abuse. Now, she's being very reserved about hugs etc, for which I'm very greatful sinse anything of the sort would make me panic.

then, my parents have been prepared to step in and do things when I ask. Asking has been hard for me, but recently there was something which i just felt unable to do myself. My phd superviser has been worried about how I've been doing with my work. I know that if I speak to him, I'll feel incredibly upset and guilty, so asked my dad to do it, ----- and even tell him the vague details that I was a victim of abuse and am trying now to cope with it. From this, it's probably going to happen that I take my phd part time, which will give me more space when i need it.

Then, my parents have tried to do especially nice things for me, things I enjoy, to basically cheer me up and give me some pleasure. These include buying dvd's, going on a weekend's holiday, subscribing and paying for a magazine I'm really interested in etc, even giving me lifts to see my friends who live close by.

I'm really greatful at the moment for the help I've got from them over this, and writing this post now makes me realize just how much I love them.

I'm not sure if any of this is applicable to you, and I'm sorry if it isn't.


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#211489 - 03/18/08 02:20 PM Re: Anyone supporting a son who was target of a female [Re: dark empathy]
vda Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/16/08
Posts: 7
Loc: Canada
Thanks so much to all who have replied to my post. I sense your compassion and willingness to help. This is a comfort.

For now, we will just continue to muddle through with our son . . . we're bleeding financially, and that is something we need to address . . . he hasn't been able to work or pay his rent, and we cannot keep supporting him. . . we need to look into to see if he is eligible for any disability benefits.

Need to run,
Thanks again,
vda


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