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#210938 - 03/15/08 10:43 PM just putting my thoughts somewhere for now
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2469
Loc: UK
okay, so today has been a great day it seems, we, Wales, have won the grand slam, we have beaten England, Ireland, Scotland, France and Italy in the six nations rugby, a very honourable thing.

Yes, i watched it, at least some of it after work, we were ordered to wear red rugby shirts in work so i was alredy dressed to go out. We've been singing loud and clear Wales! Wales!

I've had lots of work to do but i've done little due to the occassion

So all of my brothers and sisters have been out, and for some reason i chose to drink beer instead of the usual lager. My brother, the one who used to abuse me (who is back home at the moment), asked me why, i said because grampy always used to let us drink beer, then somebody behind me, the brother of the girl in my street who i had alot of sexual experiences with said "your grampy?, bampy?, i remember all the times we used to go blackberry picking with him and we used to make blackberry pies". My brother continued, "yes i remember those times". I don't remember the brother of the girl being so involved (besides some faint memorys of him hiding in the closet when she used to try to convince me to play her games), and for him to remember so vividly and consciously at this age, after the life he has led, makes me think that there is something that i missed. He seemed to remember the past as if it has been playing on his mind, i don't think my grandfathers involved, but something about his father keeps playing in my mind.

and i continued "yes, we are all the same family really, we have always been together"

It seems that i spent the most of the night trying to convince some girl that i was talking to that i wasn't gay, because my voice is probably a little too intensiously light because i probably think that my mind holds too much badness in my tolerance that wont allow my self to show any actual weakness to people besides light heartedness

and i do love their family as much as mine, and i don't think i'm so alone in my struggles.


throughout the night some people were mistaking me for my oldest brother, the one who never did anything to me, including his girlfriend, and he wasn't very happy about that. I talked to alot of peope, of course they were all really my brothers friends, but i've known them all for just as long now so they are my friends in a way, well i think so anyway. I don't know what i'm saying, but something told me that i should keep hold of this thought so i've put it here. that's all for now.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#210939 - 03/15/08 10:50 PM Re: just putting my thoughts somewhere for now [Re: king tut]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Glad you did, tut. We're honored that you trust us enough to talk about it.

Have you ever journaled? Just write a page or two everyday about the things you did and the things you have been thinking about whether it's good, bad, or what? It can be a tremendous way to explore the things that are bothering you or that you're having trouble remembering. It may help in your recall of that foggy stuff you were referring to. Just a thought.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#210960 - 03/16/08 12:40 AM Re: just putting my thoughts somewhere for now [Re: WalkingSouth]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2469
Loc: UK
i wrote a story, that i didn't think was about me (about 400 pages), but when i read it now, it's like i'm reading about me, gaining insight, the only difficulty is i killed everyone at the end of my story, my main character, a boy, was taken out into the cold by somebody he trusted, without struggle, and was held there, by his hand, until he could bare the cold no more, it was such that the character allowed his panic and trepidation to rest and sink in to the very depths of his stomach. He allowed his ears to freeze and his hairline dissipate into the numbness of his skin. He let his toes shrivle and die and accepted that his legs were no more. He let all that was once him to disappear, so that he was nothing but a very small dot in space and time.

The story is in a way an infection of the mind, an evil in people, my character challenges badness unto death and my protector fights a pack of "wolves" with a defiance of a supreme power, although in reality the camera that zooms out only sees the protector, the iron man, tearing out his own eyes as he kneels next to the body of my main character.

The fictional story is a complex and long one, but even as i forced my main character to beg for mercy i found myself writing things that i dare not depress readers with without full explanation of plot. I know that the characters of this story are set firmly in my mind, and it despairs me that the ideas of traitorous gods and the action of what i call, in much fictional complexity, corrupted priests or homoflorensiensis whores eating out the protectors eyes, is the end to my story.

I read my fictional story, and i see why i found it so easy to write, it's so obvious, i mean my main character received a wound on his arm (before i actually received a similar wound- but that's coincidence) that in my story he was afraid to show to anybody, that wound became infected and is so obviously a reflection of an internal wound. In my story this led to the destructive relationship that ended his life.

There is also a girl in my story (who telepathically sexually abuses him), and although i give her a false name, she is the girl that i know, and there is a boy, he too has another name (and his role is different in this story) and athough i let him die i also know him. The people in my story who try to help my main character i realise are probably not so coincidently teachers, because that has always been my escape. But even in my story i let them fight and lose.

Anyway, that's a fictional piece of writing, but i know that i used that opportunity to release some subconscious things, and it still gets to me that i wrote about the arm before it actually happened and that it seems that the writer of the story seems to understand things so much better than me even though i am the writer of the story.

My story seems to tell me about the doctor, another character, who seems to both love my main character and see him as a tool and would probably quite willingly kill him if it he thought it was somehow beneficial. The fact that their relationship becomes scientifically oriented in my story may be a reflection of my current status in my career. I'm going to write more about the doctor and the boy, in my story they never really talk, but the most intense scenes i've probably written are when nothing is happening and they are just sitting either side of a chess board.

Anyway, like i say this is a very long and fictional story that has been written in no particular order but it has all been written in free-style, without any real conscious thought besides some bits of fiction inserted for plot here and there

i think i find it easier to not actually write about things directly, but thankfully this site is making it easier for me to write about things directly

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#210976 - 03/16/08 02:03 AM Re: just putting my thoughts somewhere for now [Re: king tut]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
KT,

I do the same, I write in third person all the time. I have stacks of short stories, that if anyone would come across, they wouldn't know I was writting about myself. I always change the names of my characters, but if you knew me, you would figure it out.

If you havn't yet read my post that I link in my signature, please do, and let me know what you think. It is a perfect example of how I do most my writting.

I tried to journal, but it made me feel very self concious, so instead I write stories. I feel like I can express myself better when I'm acting as the story teller. I just use my life as fodder, but many of my true feeling show up in my writtings.

Keep posting, I really enjoy your writting.

Luv ya,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#210977 - 03/16/08 02:50 AM Re: just putting my thoughts somewhere for now [Re: Scoutvictim]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Lewis,
I can see so much of your life in just what you have told of your self and what you have given as plot and characters in your post.
I would like to comment on what you said about the wound in your arm and some other passages because I think it is relevant to your present situation.

"my main character, a boy, was taken out into the cold by somebody he trusted, without struggle, and was held there, by his hand, until he could bare the cold no more, it was such that the character allowed his panic and trepidation to rest and sink in to the very depths of his stomach. He allowed his ears to freeze and his hairline dissipate into the numbness of his skin. He let his toes shrivle and die and accepted that his legs were no more. He let all that was once him to disappear, so that he was nothing but a very small dot in space and time."

Here I think your talking about your brother that abused you. To me your saying that all that was once the happy boy you were, you youthful identy he quashed into nothing with his abuse. Not necessarily true from what I can see of you but I can understand that at one point you felt that way.

"the protector, the iron man, tearing out his own eyes as he kneels next to the body of my main character."
Could you have been referring to your father or mother here and a deliberate blindness after the fact??

"it's so obvious, i mean my main character received a wound on his arm (before i actually received a similar wound- but that's coincidence) that in my story he was afraid to show to anybody, that wound became infected and is so obviously a reflection of an internal wound. In my story this led to the destructive relationship that ended his life."

This to me is the allagorical quote of child sexual abuse. A wound infliced on the arm say, not seeming all that life threatening but as time goes on we see it has festered as CSA does in the soul of the victim, until it ruins not just us but our relationships as well.

"My story seems to tell me about the doctor, another character, who seems to both love my main character and see him as a tool and would probably quite willingly kill him if it he thought it was somehow beneficial. The fact that their relationship becomes scientifically oriented in my story may be a reflection of my current status in my career. I'm going to write more about the doctor and the boy, in my story they never really talk, but the most intense scenes i've probably written are when nothing is happening and they are just sitting either side of a chess board."

This part I find disturbing. I am wondering if your making connections in your life now with someone who is not really good for you and will use you or the knowledge of you in a callous way that will ultimately hurt you. Something you already sense, hence the passage, but are not doing anything about it to protect yourself.

Anyway just my thoughts guy. That and 3 pounds will get you a latte. lol
Stay strong Lewis. Your a wonderful person.





Edited by Freedom49 (03/16/08 02:51 AM)

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#210996 - 03/16/08 07:39 AM Re: just putting my thoughts somewhere for now [Re: Freedom49]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
King Tut-------------great writting--------------you are a amazing person-------------------------dont let anyone tell you differante-------------------steve


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