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#210787 - 03/14/08 10:53 PM I need to vent....
standingbyhim Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 8
Okay, so I just need to vent. Unfortunately I am having a very tough time right now with helping my husband deal with his CSA issues. Since I have started seeing my T, I have uncovered horrible things from my past that I am now having to come to terms with. It seems as though I am a survivor as well....

The sad thing though, is that I need my husband to be a support for me, like I always am for him, but he just isn't there. Some days I just feel like giving up. We are going to see a marriage counselor tomorrow, but I really feel like it will be a waste of time & money. If he isn't in therapy himself, how the hell is a couples counselor going to help??? I am trying so hard to heal myself, be a rock for him, and be a good mommy to my baby. I AM TIRED! My 19 month old daughter has started to literally pull her hair out on a daily basis. She cries when my husband comes close to me. She can feel the tension in my house. I feel like I am failing her as a parent. My husband doesn't see any of her actions as a problem though. Actually, his exact words were "She's not doing this because of us". Hello, her pediatrician told us that if it continues, he is sending her to a therapist. My 1 year old in therapy....Boy, CSA really is the terrible gift that keeps on giving.

I was dealing with everything very well in my opinion, until last night. My husband looked at me and said "I don't want to be a husband and father most of the time. In fact, the only reason that I married you was because you were my escape..my way out".

A little bit of background info(He's 23, I'm 25...His abuse by his uncle ended probably less than a year before we started dating, and his stepfather was physically & emotionally abusive. We've been together 5 years)

Needless to say, I am very hurt by this. Why am I even trying to salvage a marriage that is pretty much just all bullshit? He says that he loves me & that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but I feel like I should just set us all free & leave. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Oh, to top it all off, his uncle was supposed to be arrested this week, and now it's pushed back to "maybe" next week. It has been a living hell in this house, and I just want it to be all over.

Thank you all for listening, I really just needed to get it out. There's a lot more, but I'm not a fast typer & I'd be up for days!! Maybe I'll write again later.

~Tiffany



Edited by standingbyhim (03/14/08 10:54 PM)

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#211052 - 03/16/08 01:09 PM Re: I need to vent.... [Re: standingbyhim]
LJA Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 35
Hi Tiffany,

I'm so sorry things are so difficult for you right now. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be juggling everything you have on your plate. Supporting your H while he is being hurtful to you, realizing you are also a survivor, parenting a young child... that is an enormous load to bear.

I really feel for you that now you are remembering things from your past, not only is your H being unsupportive, he is being hurtful. It is so unfair.

I hope the couples therapy went well. Even if its not the ideal situation because he isn't in therapy alone, it could still help. It seems as though you are living in such a pressure cooker right now that anything that could relieve even a little bit of it would be a good thing.

Is there anyone you could ask to take your daughter and do something fun with her once a week? That way she could get out of the pressure cooker and you could spend some time looking after yourself, doing something to build yourself up.

You said you just want it all to be over, one day it will be. This wont last forever.
Please round up as much support as you can for yourself in the mean time.

Take care,
LJA


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#211076 - 03/16/08 04:45 PM Re: I need to vent.... [Re: LJA]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Hi Tiffany,

I agree totally with LJA.

The best thing you can do right now is to take care of you first...as without you what will your daughter have?

Your husband is a big boy and like yourself, he will have to find his own answers....it is certainly not your job to do that for him....you can be supportive, but if he is not willing to do the work you can not do it for him.

In any relationship, the best thing we can do is take care of ourselves and the rest will take care of itself...it may not give us the outcome that perhaps we want....but sometimes what we think we want may not be good for us....so sometimes we just have to let go.

I hope it helps to know that others care about you and only hope what is best for you.

Take care,
Lou


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#211085 - 03/16/08 05:34 PM Re: I need to vent.... [Re: Lou]
A C Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/31/05
Posts: 13
Loc: Missouri
Post Deleted by ModTeam



Edited by ModTeam (03/16/08 08:47 PM)

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#211108 - 03/16/08 06:30 PM Re: I need to vent.... [Re: A C]
BMF Offline


Registered: 01/27/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Toronto
Tiffany,

Every once in a while you will come across "advice" that is harsh, offensive, and completely inappropriate. I suggest you try to ignore it, and focus on the constructive comments that others make. The vast majority of us are not here to judge you, and genuinely would like to help you through your ordeal. This site is a wonderful place, and I suggest you keep coming back and staying connected. I think you are doing the best thing by looking after yourself and your daughter. These are things that are in your control, and where your efforts can make the most immediate impact.

BMF

_________________________
If a man's character is to be abused, say what you will, there's nobody like a relation to do the business.
- William Makepeace Thackery

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#211114 - 03/16/08 06:57 PM Re: I need to vent.... [Re: standingbyhim]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Tiffany,
Feel free to vent here. We all do. We all have good days and bad days...days where we feel on top of what's going on (well, okay, maybe "on top" is too pollyanna a word, but there are days when we can handle things and days when we wonder why the hell we're trying) Most of us did not enter into a "til death do us part" thing knowing about the csa. In most cases, the issues came up before the reason behind them so...in all fairness, we didn't sign up for this or enter into it with our eyes open to it.
As far as therapy goes, any kind of therapy is better than no therapy at all at this point. And you never know when one topic might lead to another. I see a T, my SO is back on "therapy hiatus". Occasionally, the effects of his csa will filter into one of my sessions, but overall, it's about me and my coping skills etc. You may find that by attempting to save your marraige, you may in turn, find a way to save yourself.
It's hard not to feel the sting when he makes a hurtful comment. I'm sure sometimes he's looking for emotional distance. Alot of things conflict. He doesn't want to be a husband and father most of the time, but in another breath, loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you.
I can imagine how frustrating the uncle's arrest or lack there-of, must be for you. But even if and when it does happen, the effects will be far from over. I really wish it worked that way. For my SO, the guy is dead and has been for a long time. It doesn't go away.
My thoughts are with you.
Liv


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#211236 - 03/17/08 10:47 AM Re: I need to vent.... [Re: Liv2124]
standingbyhim Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 8
Update...

After I wrote this post, my husband & I had avery LONG talk. For once I really felt like he was listening to me. He owned up to not being supportive, and to the fact that he needs to see a T. I felt good after our talk. The couples T that we went to see was awesome! My husband & I both agree 100% on that.

She is sending him to a T trained in CSA recovery. She also pointed out a few things that neither of us were aware that we needed help with. I guess that's what a T is there for though.

Anyway, we had a great weekend, our daughter is doing better with the help of the suggestions given to us by our T, so that's an added plus. Honestly though, I must admit that today I feel numb again. I thought that my husband had told me everything about his CSA, and after our session he told me that there was more to it, not in detail, so my mind is going a mile a minute. I guess I will find out what exactly when the police report comes out this week.

I completely understand why he didn't tell me, but at the same time, it's quite a shock. He was ashamed, I totally undertand, and I understand that it took a lot for him to even speak about it at all. I am angry(not at him) and so proud of him at the same time.

LJA,
Thanks for the advice. I go to school during the week, and my parents watch our daughter while I'm gone. She absolutely adores them & I know that they help to "relax" (and spoil) her.

Lou,
Part of my problem is that I'm always trying to "fix" everything/everyone. I am slowly learning to put myself first, it's hard but I know that I need to do it. It does help to know that others care about me and are here for me when I need them! Thank you!!

Bruce,
I assume you were talking about the post that was deleted. Thankfully I didn't see it. No one should be judging anyone here, and I am glad that you did'nt. Thank you for your kind words. Talking to everyone here has helped me so much so far!

Liv,
That day was definately a bad day for me! You hit it right on the head! Everything was just peachy before we were married, and then just went downhill from there. I truly love my husband, and I know that he really does love me too. I am thankful that we are dealing with this now, as opposed to 10,20,30 years from now. Like LJA said, "This won't last forever". It won't, and we'll both be better people/parents when we are "healed"-for lack of better terms!

Thanks again everyone,
Tiffany





Edited by standingbyhim (03/17/08 10:48 AM)

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