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#21074 - 05/18/03 03:09 PM how long do i try?????????
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
I've been in therapy now for over 2 years and have tried 3 different anti-depressents and several anti-psychotics to no avail....HOW LONG DO I KEEP TRYING??????.....i'm so very tired of trying because it seems things just get progressively worse, not better.....why do i keep trying?????? sometimes i think all i'm doing is punishing myself more and more.....when do i say ENOUGH and put an end to things?????? after yet another night of clutching my bottle of heart pills to stop my heart, i'm here yet again today......i refuse to be hospitalized again....4 times in 2 1/2 years is enough, plus it does no real good anyway....they just try to drug you out of consciousness, and i simply refuse to live that way.....i have absolutely no reason to live that way, because i have absolutely no reason to stay alive, except to feel more pain and torment......this is no way or reason to stay alive.....how much longer do i put myself through this emotional turmoil???????????......why????????michael


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#21075 - 05/18/03 03:28 PM Re: how long do i try?????????
al Offline
Member

Registered: 01/08/03
Posts: 143
Loc: canada
michael, as long as it takes, that's how long. Try to say ok how am i gonna get thru TODAY or the next hour or even the next minute if thats what it takes.

How about try this, write up all the crap of what was done to you, how you feel, how mad it makes you, how lost and hurt and helpless. Then take those papers out somewhere safe and torch the fuckers, set them ablaze, send them into oblivion. after you do that see whats left, only ashes. We have to carry these ashes with us always as emotional and pysical scars but now they will be smaller, lighter, easier to carry.

somethimg marc and i do sometimes is weird but it makes us feel good. we find a poor unsuspecting soul and we play a trick on them. not a bad trick, but a good one. we call it a random act of kindness \:\) there is a guy in our building that gets an anonymous $20 in his mailbox every month cuz hes disabled and can't work. sometimes we pay for the people behind us's order at a drive thru. or hang around the parkin lot and carry people's groceries for them. Give little old ladies flowers. it's a blast \:\) stuff like that keeps us smiling and keeps us busy of thinking up how we can help someone else....

We all love you brother, we are all behind you, and we all would do anything to help. my antipsychotics dont help that much either but sometimes when i have to i can put all those voices and sounds and horrible people all in a little box in my mind to shut them up. sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn't but you got to keep trying, keep hangin on. i promise you there IS a light at the end of the tunnel and no it's NOT a fuckin freight train.

_________________________
Those who dance appear insane to those who cannot hear the music. Mark Kleiman

Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it. Winston Churchill

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#21076 - 05/18/03 03:32 PM Re: how long do i try?????????
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hello Michael,

You certainly show how hopeless life can seem. But I believe that we hold on to hope until we don't need too.

The way I reacted to all the abuse I had, was to have panic attacks and depression since I was 24 years old, over forty years. There may be some new antidepressants that I have not tried, but I can't even begin to name all I have been on, same for anti-anxiety pills.

I have been thinking much like you. WHEN will some physician in some place find out why I feel so exhausted all the time--not most of the time, ALL the time.

Now I have failing kidneys and cannot take anything for the arthritis in my spine and all my joints. So I was asking myself, why do I want to continue to take meds that I am not sure help and may harm. I quess it is because I hear of people in positions like us, who find significant help in some way and I hope I will too. But life is of value to me because I can try to listen to you and others, because there are a bunch of people who are really good to me, and because I am not sure that death would bring relief for me. With my luck I would make a wrong turn on the way and get into a place I never heard of that is not better than here.

It takes time Michael, you well know that. But I have always seen myself as on an equal par with physicians. I am not intimidated by them in the least--they don't want to iintimidate people. So, I ask blunt questions, like: do you know an expert in the area on this problem? what about alternative medicines; am I getting today the very best medicine has to offer with these problems.

I ask alot of questions of anyone who is going to work on my car--I figure I ought to ask at least as many for anyone who wants to work on my body.

Hold on Michael, get really crabby if you need to, but do be agressive (assertive) about your medical care.
Peace friend.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#21077 - 05/18/03 03:35 PM Re: how long do i try?????????
Marc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/25/03
Posts: 256
Loc: Tucson, AZ
michaelb,

I am still only a phone call away. You can continue to torture yourself with self-pity, you can take the easy way out which is what it sounds like you are implying in your post, or you can start to take control of your life to not put 'band-aids' on things but actually work on fixing them and begin to actually thrive.

You are not alone Michael. You never have been! ;\) It is not going to be easy, I never said it would, but no one can make the choices in life for you.


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#21078 - 05/19/03 01:55 AM Re: how long do i try?????????
RickL Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/02
Posts: 84
Loc: Oregon
Michael,

I need to say how much your post of May 14th--about your story (to Ken Singer's request) touched me in a way that's hard to explain. I have read it several times.

Now, I know the fact that you helped this survivor may not be a compelling enough reason for you to keep living and hoping. But I, for one, see you as someone tremendously valuable.
You helped me to see and understand certain cause and effect relationships with regard to my own abuse and dysfunctional upbringing.

That perspective is what is often so hard to come by. Seeing these problems as not truly a part of our real identity--but as effects of abuse. And every time I get a deeper insight--like I do here--I heal--just a little bit.

The glass is half full--and I appreciate every time a drop gets added to it.

Rick
(ps--feel free to pm me if you'd like to know some specifics of how your post helped me personally)


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#21079 - 05/19/03 09:53 AM Re: how long do i try?????????
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Michael,

You have to keep trying "for the duration." However long it takes.

Why? Because you're worth it. Because you went through the fucking flames of hell, and remained a good, decent person. You're not a pedophile, no matter what kind of warped behavior your uncle engaged in.

You said you hate yourself in your post to Ken. I have times when I just feel full of loathing for myself, for the things I did, and said, and felt, during the abuse and then all those years after. I was not a small child for the abuse that I wrote about here; I was 16 years old. I knew what he was doing. And I'm beginning to understand that what he did was wrong, and what I did was survival. As a 2 or 3 year old child, you had no course of action open to you but to try to survive. Please don't hate yourself for that. Take pride in your strength to stop the abuse at this generation. Your uncle sure as hell didn't have the strength to stop it, no matter where it started, in your family or in some sickness of his. You are standing against the current, protecting the children in your wake.

Micheal, if I knew how to make things better, I'd try it on myself and then send it to everyone here. What I think I know, from reading and listening, is that we have to go "through" recovery. All the tiring, painful, never-seeming-to-end way through.

And you know what? Every one of us here can get through a little better if we know you're going through, too, and you're willing to share your strength with us. Make no mistake, you do have tremendous strength, like a blade shaped and tempered by flame, hammer, and anvil. You may not feel that way now, but the fact that you're still here, still working despite the pain and fatigue, shows your tremendous strength.

Stick it out "a while longer." For the neighbor boy. For your nephew. For your damn good and worthy self.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#21080 - 05/19/03 10:03 AM Re: how long do i try?????????
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Joe, that is perfect. Thank you for that reply. I think I need to remind myself of your ideas as well. This was very healing for me, as I am sure it is for our bro Michael as well. Thanks again for writting this, it is something for me to print out and read now and then.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#21081 - 05/19/03 10:29 AM Re: how long do i try?????????
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Bob,

Thank you for your kind words. I feel honored. I have taken, no, I been given so much by the people here that it feels good to think I chipped in.

See, Michael, you started this thread, and both Bob and I feel better after participating in your recovery. Stick it out.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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