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#210736 - 03/14/08 08:08 PM talking about abuse
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
I mean, what in the hell! what does she think she's doing!

so i go downstairs, my mothers been drinking, she looks up with a sad look on her face and says "i cant believe i missed all the signs" and despite any progress i think i've made i automatically prepared to deflect anything that she thought she knew about what happened to me, but of course she doesn't know anything

She starts talking about her friend who was abused sexually when she was younger, i listen for a couple of seconds (she really should know better than talk about things like this with me- i mean i know im not really young or anything but still) and then i quickly think no, so i say "i don't want to know", shows how much of as nice person i am doesn't it, so she continues talking about things and i start saying "what's it to do with me, i don't even know this person, why are you telling me"- i'm such a crappy person i know but you can imagine the feelings going through me that i couldn't even order- so i was becoming quite defensive

so she is saying about how she should have noticed the signs- about the things they talked about- asking why she didn't notice the signs and i was saying because you were only young and she was asking why her friend never told her and i was telling her because she was probably ashamed- but still i was giving brief answers- i mean she is drunk so she probably wont remember this in the morning anyway

and she's recalling her memories and then saying that i could never imagine what it is to have those kind of memories- LITTLE DOES SHE KNOW- but i didn't argue with her and had no urge to let her know, and as a response to my response of "i don't want to know about this" then she says i have no compassion (well that's the way i've come to understand- because how the hell else do people suppose to deal with such secrets!), and she keeps going on about how she cant believe she missed the signs and i'm looking at her thinking, quite angrily, THERE NOT THE ONLY SIGNS YOU MISSED! but i don't blame her for missing anything but the fact that she is really that blind, i mean, today i had the feelnig that my dad understands something that he is not saying

i mean, what is she trying to do to me, i cant talk about things like this! does she really have no clue! i know what she is saying about her friend is true, i don't know why this is getting to me so much. maybe something about being so close to talking but then so very far away.

i'm going to go back downstairs now, i'm not sure why

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#210739 - 03/14/08 08:16 PM Re: talking about abuse [Re: king tut]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
well, that didn't work, she said

"you've never come across anyone that's been abused, you don't know what it is like, you don't know anyone who has been abused, do you?"

i kind of froze in my chest and just walked upstairs as she continued to talk, i did give a concilatory "i'll be back in a minute"

i don't know what to do!
she doesn't understand how she is making me feel
this is like some kind of nightmare

but again i'm going to go back downstairs now, something is telling me to go back downstairs, i just know i'm not going to get any sleep tonight now, with the light on or off

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#210746 - 03/14/08 08:28 PM Re: talking about abuse [Re: king tut]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
she has so far had the sense to drop the topic, so that's good i think, i'm feeling a little less tense

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#210747 - 03/14/08 08:32 PM Re: talking about abuse [Re: king tut]
johnnymike Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/08/08
Posts: 51
Loc: Central Ohio
I tried to tell my mother that I thought I was abused. She curled up her lip and said "Who would abuse you"? I still wonder if she could have sounded more shocked that as a child anyone would have ever wanted me and as an adult she said that no one would. She was always very concerned about things that happened to women but no sensitivity to men. In many ways she shut down emotionally after getting away from my father. She never had a clue about me and I wondered if I reminded her too much of him.

I think mothers have a hard time thinking their children could have been abused. They are wired to be protectors and if their child is harmed I wonder if they feel like failures.


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#210750 - 03/14/08 08:42 PM Re: talking about abuse [Re: johnnymike]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
There's a crowd in the chat KT. Wanna join us? Might be good to talk, or just get your mind off it...

I'm sorry you have to put up with this... How maddening.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#210756 - 03/14/08 09:07 PM Re: talking about abuse [Re: LandOfShadow]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
thanks for the offer LandOfShadow, and thanks for the reply johnnymike, i was considering it, but i've redeveloped a bit of apprehension of going in to chat, think it's too much at the moment, i know it helps, but my minds feeling crowded and i just got a headache too, i just need to breathe for a bit, i'm still trying to solidify somekind of focus in my mind- really i think i'm frantically trying to rebuild that brick wall, although i know i shouldn't, but maybe i knocked too much down at once, i'm going to have to write to myself for a bit, i really don't want to lose myself due to this- so i'll lock everything up for a bit- i'll come back monday maybe, but i just have to lock it back up for now, just pretend it doesn't exist, i have work to do and people who will be disappointed so i just cant let this exist right now

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


Top
#210765 - 03/14/08 09:21 PM Re: talking about abuse [Re: king tut]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
I understand KT. Well, just know that we're here for you.

Being able to put things away when you need to doesn't have to be a permanent wall I think. It can just be a conscious choice of what I pay attention to for now.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

Top
#210786 - 03/14/08 10:53 PM Re: talking about abuse [Re: LandOfShadow]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
KT,
Deep down inside you want to tell. You want to I know you do. It would not be a good idea to do it while she is drunk that was wise. But you should take her with you to a therapist after you have gone a time or two and open up to her. It could be a healing thing for you if not for her and your father. I do not know your family or your situation but the universe seems to be telling you it is time to tell the secret. Just my opinion.
Will it be hard? Oh you bet. Anything that brings healing in this stuff seems to be hard but it is the only way. Secrets hurt everyone involved. Telling will hurt too but it is a cleansing healing pain. I will be thinking of you all night myself. Keep the light on.


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#210940 - 03/15/08 10:50 PM Re: talking about abuse [Re: Freedom49]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
Thanks Rodger, your support means alot to me, i'm really glad your here, really glad, i will keep the lights on, thank you

Lewis

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#211004 - 03/16/08 08:01 AM Re: talking about abuse [Re: king tut]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
King Tut--------------------glad you can put thjis down here to get it out--------------------------------very important---------------------------------you deserve the best in your life------------------------------Steve


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