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#210433 - 03/13/08 01:32 AM The constant disconnect...
Chagrin Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/18/08
Posts: 17
Loc: BC Canada
Hello again!

Slightly new topic... Maybe this has come up before, I'm not certain, but, I'm curious... If affection and physical intimacy are not present in a marriage, how do partners stay "connected"?

Most of the time my husband and I are able to talk A LOT and through communication and simple things like cuddling on the couch and watching tv together I feel a sense of "connection" with him. But at times when we are too busy or unable to accomplish these very simple things, I find myself getting incredibly sad. More sad then I feel I should... and I think it's because these simple things are all we have together right now.

Anyways, just curious if anyone has ever come up with ideas on how to connect or stay connected?!

Thanks for reading if you did!

Chagrin \:\)


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#210439 - 03/13/08 01:47 AM Re: The constant disconnect... [Re: Chagrin]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Chagrin,
I have to remember that because of my abuse I tend to isolate myself from connecting. So I make extra effort to touch, cuddle and hug. Communication is great but nothing beats physical contact to cement that. It is a biological need. The abuse damanged the need for me in that and connected it with bad things happening to my body and I am trying to re train myself to erase that connection and replace it with good feelings and associations. takes time and practive but it is working.


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#210442 - 03/13/08 02:08 AM Re: The constant disconnect... [Re: Chagrin]
Chagrin Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/18/08
Posts: 17
Loc: BC Canada
Freedom49,

I very much appreciate your perspective as a survivor! It is so helpful for me to get a better understanding of what my husband might be facing!

Do you find that physical connection with your significant-other is a CONSTANT struggle for you? Or are there times when it is easier? Has your significant-other ever been able to do anything to make it any easier?

Thank you so much for your response!

Chagrin \:\)


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#210479 - 03/13/08 10:32 AM Re: The constant disconnect... [Re: Chagrin]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
The good news is NO it is not a constant struggle. There are times I earnestly seek it out. My wife is wonderful at giving me space when I need it but there are times SHE needs it and is not afraid to walk up to me and hug and kiss me. I try to accept that regardless of how I feel because I love her and understand her needs to.
I am praying a lot for your husband and God is working in his life and I think you will begin to see thawing if your patient.


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#210483 - 03/13/08 10:50 AM Re: The constant disconnect... [Re: Freedom49]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
As Roger said above, patience is the key for you and your husband. I don't know how long you are married or how long you both know each other. There are times, frequent but they do happen, when our intimacy and affection are really good. Seems it all depends on my mood/emotional state/anger/feelings/ etc. When my GF gives me space to work through these "bad days", then I can reconnect with her. WE do love each other very much, but I know it is so hard for her to understand what I am going through. CSA is something that we both never knew would be so difficult.

I understand your sad feelings. I would bet the sad feelings you encounter are also sad feelings for your husband. Let him know how you feel and be there for him. I think in time the rewards will be great for both of you.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#210723 - 03/14/08 07:12 PM Re: The constant disconnect... [Re: KENKEN]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Chagrin,

Welcome and what a good post. When your lives have been turned upside down and the simple things go missing, it is very sad. It happened to my b/f and I where we just felt a terrible disconnect for several weeks, months even, but we kept pushing through it. When we finally acknowledged the loss, it was the saddest day, but it was good too. We actually agreed to make the effort to be together, to very specifically notice each other and what we were or weren't doing since it wasn't coming easy anymore. Before either one of us noticed it, we weren't making the effort anymore, it just happened. To be honest, just answering this post has made me see that it's been a long time since I had to work at it which has put a smile on my face. Thank you!

awakening - What a great post! I would add a new #4 which is simple physical closeness - hand holding, sitting close on the couch, a hug, a passing kiss, a shoulder rub.....

You have skipped a whole range of physical intimacy that does not involve sex!

ROCK ON..........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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