I agree with you. I've loved my SO for 28 years. We had parted in the early 80's, and I had met someone else. I was set to marry and 2 weeks before my wedding, my SO asked me to run away with him. His plan was to run off, get married and send postcards back telling everyone what we did. In truth, I would have, but he was hanging with another woman at the time who told me she was with him cruising gay bars every weekend and he was wearing a T-shirt that said "Little Boy" on the front of it. (Hindsight REALLY is 20/20)
When he disclosed 10 years later, it ALL fell into place. I wished I had known THEN. I feel that, at least in my case, it would've made a difference. My marraige was never great, he was an abusive alcoholic, but in reality, I never actually loved him. I've always loved my SO. Which is why, even though the marraige is long over, I refrain from starting a relationship with anyone else.
I never pushed the sexual intimacy when we were together. But I always felt that the underlying reason had to be that he didn't love me enough or I wasn't pretty enough...etc. Even though he's been self proclaimed as being, straight, then bi then gay, I always got the feeling, (and still do) that he's sexually attracted to me. He's always so aware, moreso than ME even, of men looking at my breasts or looking at me. Sometimes, it's all in his head. Funny story. We were at a craft store and I noticed this young guy in line in front of me that looked vaguely familiar but wasn't sure why. Then I realized it was the lead singer for My Chemical Romance. (I NEVER would've known but my 16 year old daughter LOVES him and there are probably more pictures of him in my house than of my own 3 kids.) Afterwards, my SO made a point to tell me that while I was talking to Gerard, he was staring at my breasts. I started LOL because I'm 5'10" and this guy is 5'5" at best. Where else would his eyes be? He's at the "tit level". Yet again, let me say, what a long, strange trip, this has been....
Lou, I agree with you, the truth is always the best way to go. There are far to many adjustments that need to be made to make the relationship work. Knowing never changed the way I felt about him, because it could never have that kind of power or impact, but it might've changed how I felt about myself for a long time.
In all fairness to my SO, he doesn't ever outright lie to me. I know alot of you might be LOL right now and calling me naive but I WILL clarify this. I'm pretty liberal. There are alot of things he doesn't tell me, I'm sure. But if I ask him outright, he'll answer. Even when I know he's uncomfortable doing so. That's the reason I stay. He's made himself vulnerable to me at times and I respect that. And even though I can't believe that I could ever love him more than I already do, I find over and over again that it happens
It all makes sense, Lou.