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#210277 - 03/12/08 12:20 PM Insecure, but Good Actor
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
I give an appearance of confidence in my family relationships,
But: I am insecure and hide those insecurities with my pride, anger and protectiveness.

I give an appearance of confidence with my friends,
But: I am insecure about my looks, possessions, life-style, and social abilities and hide those insecurities with lies, betrayals and secrecy.

I give an appearance of confidence in my workplace,
But: I am insecue about my capabilities, job security and social standing and hide those insecurities with over-commitment, self dependence and idolatrous addictions.

I give an appearance of confidence in my entire life,
But: I am insecure and inadequate.

I AM A GOOD ACTOR!

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#210278 - 03/12/08 12:23 PM Re: Insecure, but Good Actor [Re: KENKEN]
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I'm a great actor, to any size audience. It is rather scary and it rather sucks. Because a piece of me inside is screaming "See me, hear me, know ME" and the rest is just being and doing what is expected of me.

My thoughts to you, I know how much a strain it can be, the multiple lives we live sometime.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#210286 - 03/12/08 12:53 PM Re: Insecure, but Good Actor [Re: Leosha]
imbroken Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/19/08
Posts: 40
Loc: NJ
kenken,

i feel same way, but I know I am not a great actor at all times. I have become a sniveling wreck of a person. At times, I may act as if I am not, but I have trouble acting for long periods of time.


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#210295 - 03/12/08 01:54 PM Re: Insecure, but Good Actor [Re: imbroken]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2590
I've been a good actor for most of my life. Now that I'm on meds I can pull it off to a semi-decent degree. Still have low motivation at work and such, but hopefully in time that'll get better.

I'm beat and worn out usually by the time I get home. Too much acting all day long!


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#210440 - 03/13/08 01:52 AM Re: Insecure, but Good Actor [Re: JustScott]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
I absolutely agree. the amount of times someone's said "how are things" and I've wanted to reply "bloody awful" but find myself saying "ok" instead, which also makes me feel like a lyer.

I do a lot of that sort of acting, --- often so that I can avoid burdening or hurting others with what's going on in me. Quite often this is something I do very consciously.

Then though, on the couple of occasions one of my closest friends have convinced me that they're giving me their real opinion and not just being very kind as they usually are, I found it to be very different from what I think of myself, undernieth my acting.

I've heard such bizarre things as that I'm really strong, immotionally stable and very confident. I don't know whether this is due to my acting, their kindness or something else, but when I've heard it and get close to believing it, it's hurt, ---- a lot.



Edited by dark empathy (03/13/08 07:07 AM)

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#210446 - 03/13/08 03:12 AM Re: Insecure, but Good Actor [Re: dark empathy]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
Well said, Ken.

As you can already see by the replies above... I think many here can identify with you on this, myself included.

I think to a degree it is a matter of normalcy to have self doubts like these and feel as though one is 'acting through it'. I also believe that we as survivors take those self doubts and run with them to an extreme degree. More often than not, to our very own detriment and self-defeat.

Thanks for sharing,
~Brian

_________________________
Boom!

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#210487 - 03/13/08 11:13 AM Re: Insecure, but Good Actor [Re: frost]
mike5 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/01/07
Posts: 170
Loc: Cleveland, OH
I'd like to think I'm a good actor too - I'll do anything to make sure I look good - nothing to see here - everything's all together. Lately I've been realizing that I don't really care what other people think of me, my acting is mostly for myself as the audience. As long as I think I'm coming across the way I want to be seen, I'm ok. Once I think that I've made a mistake (which means letting people see me as I truly am), I get very nervous. Doesn't matter what they think - it is all about what I think they think.

Mike5


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#210513 - 03/13/08 03:45 PM Re: Insecure, but Good Actor [Re: mike5]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
My dad was a terrific Actor and I inherited his gift in more ways than one I am afraid. All my life has been an act to hide the secret and the real me. I am great at misdirection too. I have to try real hard to be open and real it is such a habit. I am getting better but it is as much real work and the acting is.


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#210555 - 03/13/08 08:32 PM Re: Insecure, but Good Actor [Re: Freedom49]
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
WOW, you guys freakin' suck. Ken you explained my life to a tie. As I read your post, my eyes weld up with tears. I feel like I could win an Oscar.

Thank you!!!

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

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#210603 - 03/14/08 02:01 AM Re: Insecure, but Good Actor [Re: TNuss]
Mark P Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 17
Loc: Bonney lake, WA
Kenken:
i read what you posted, and all the replies, and i sit here, wondering why i've never met anyone else like this. i'm 40, just realizing what a freaking liar i've been all my life, to myself, and to others. a friend said to me today that i have kept everyone at arm's lenght, and now, that i need and want help, they don't know what to do or how to react because i've spent so much time acting that i was ok, when inside, i was a wreck, insecure,and feeling horrible, but was so good at acting the strong, over achieving, always there employee, and always giving friend, that the fact that i might need help, never occured to anyone.
i think there are a lot of us out there like this, but we are too focused on being heros to others, that we forget to be better to ourselves.
Kudos to you for posting this. i'm new to the group, only been here a month, and have many dark and horrible thoughts, but you are the first and this group is the first i've felt connected with.
i'm sure we can all find hope and promise here, and maybe eventually, security.

_________________________
Walk a day in my shoes, and you will want to die. protect me from a day in my shoes, and i will be forever in your debt.

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#210606 - 03/14/08 02:57 AM Re: Insecure, but Good Actor [Re: Mark P]
quixote Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/14/08
Posts: 7
Loc: Texas
i almost cried. twice today. it's almost two a.m. and i can't cry because my dogs will hear me. just today i learned that i have a child inside and his greatest strength is his ability to NOT cry under any circumstances. you can hurt me, but you can't make me cry... that makes me the winner. i'm such an actor, i had myself fooled. two days ago i was telling a friendly family member, in the most casual way, about my childhood abuse and career as a pro. and that evening or the next morn i realized it hurts, it all hurts. today that child refused once again to allow me to cry and i became aware for the first time of his reality. Fourteen hours later, here i am seeking help, support, information..... compassion, relief. i haven't cryed in something between 15 and thirty years and i believe i am about to start.


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#210608 - 03/14/08 03:51 AM Re: Insecure, but Good Actor [Re: quixote]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
quixote,

Welcome to MS, I am so glad you found this place, but sorry you need to be here.

I did the same thing for so many years. I could talk to a total stranger about my abuse, but I never really "talked" about it. Once I realized (a little over a year ago) that this crap has totally made me an actor, it came rushing out.

Go ahead and cry, it can be very "freeing" to let the little boy inside have a few moments. I have found that all the "parts we play" while acting, just puts another layer on top of the "inner child". Once we strip away those layers, we then have to face him and his fears.

It's not easy, and we all have developed copeing skills that will be hard to break. This is your first step on a long road, it will have it's hills and valleys, but the journy is well worth the reward.

Welcome again, and I hope you will stay around. The guys here can be so supportive, and I am sure you can offer some different ideas for others.

Just take your time, cry, share, yell, scream and HEAL! That is why we are here.

Your brother in healing,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#210617 - 03/14/08 05:35 AM Re: Insecure, but Good Actor [Re: Scoutvictim]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I too am a good actor
I was all of the same things you mentioned Ken.
You put it so well. Thats why I like this place you all can say what I am not able to say or bring into thought, I gain great insight into myself from your posts, and get to know a little bit more about you.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#210641 - 03/14/08 08:54 AM Re: Insecure, but Good Actor [Re: GateKPR4]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
quixote,
Do what I did. Go buy your self a teddy bear. Walk through the stuffed animal section and see what attracts you. See what pulls at you and buy it. Take it home. Sit in a big comfy couch or chair and hold it. May take a day or two but once your child feels safe he will come. He will cry. You will connect again. You both will be the better for it.


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#210655 - 03/14/08 10:15 AM Re: Insecure, but Good Actor [Re: Mark P]
Minute2Minute Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/08
Posts: 70
Loc: MB, Canada
Hi Ken,
I've been struggling with this thread since reading it yesterday. I was at a total loss for words because no more needed to be added to it. It's me. My struggle, now that I've seen such a perfect de>

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#210666 - 03/14/08 10:43 AM Re: Insecure, but Good Actor [Re: Minute2Minute]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Scott that is brilliant! We can change the words. Words are powerful. Words have been used against us to smother us and bury us in guilt and shame and fear. By changing the words we fight back!! Thank you Scott. For me and whoever else gets help and insight from this. Thank you for sharing. I know it is not miracle cure but what a great start. And it is like chicken soup for a cold. It can't hurt.


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