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#209752 - 03/09/08 05:34 PM Re: Trying [Re: roadrunner]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Originally Posted By: roadrunner
I mean, WTF? This is like being 10 all over again. But at the same time it feels really important.

It's okay to be 10 again, actually. I've read it and heard it from any number of sources any number of times that the lessons we learn in our recovery more often than not take us right back to our state of being at the time the brokenness occurred. We then progress in our healing right from where we left off when the injury took place. If that is the case, feeling 10 again is a good thing \:\) and in that sense it IS really important not only because of what it is you will be doing with your son and mother, but because it's the next big step on the recovery path.

It will be what it will be, Larry. A puddle of tears or a joyful occasion. Either way it's important to you on more than one level and whatever emotion you experience will be what is most needed on your journey.

Hugs Bro.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#209997 - 03/11/08 12:37 AM Re: Trying [Re: WalkingSouth]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Larry - I've been thinking about you today, knowing that this is the starting date of your journey here to the States. Want you to know that many are keeping you in mind and hoping for the best possible outcome from this trip.

Love you, big bro,
Eddie

_________________________
Eddie

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#210150 - 03/11/08 06:12 PM Re: Trying [Re: roadrunner]
JT's the Man Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/21/08
Posts: 41
Larry.
That last phrase really speaks to me.

I want it back.
Take it back.

Reclaim your innocence. Start over.
Much love...


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#210215 - 03/12/08 01:09 AM Re: Trying [Re: JT's the Man]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Thanks again everyone. Yep, I am safely socked away at Cathie's (Lady Rock here on the site) house and just relaxing for the time being.

It feels odd sitting here late at night at a strange PC without 100 lb. of warm furry dog laying across my feet. \:\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#210239 - 03/12/08 07:57 AM Re: Trying [Re: roadrunner]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
Larry,

I am late coming to this thread, but I am particularly touched by your posting. I know that this is a very difficult situation for you, but you are fortunate that you are going to be surrounded by those who love you and care for you. Think of the support that little Larry is going to have. I have a feeling that this is going to be the resurrection of your spirtual life. It is obvious that you have come very far in your recovery and this is one of the final steps that you facing you on your journey.

I want you to know that you are in my prayers and that when I am in church on Easter morning, standing next to my two sons and my wife, I will be thinking of you and praying for you.

Enjoy your time in the States and have fun at the anniversary and birthday parties.

With Warm Regards,

Dan


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#210254 - 03/12/08 09:07 AM Re: Trying [Re: WalkingSouth]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Thanks again for the continuing support. It's cool to look and see someone has commented and all the responses do help.

Last night my cousin Leslie came over with her husband and we had a great evening reliving old times - but as she remembers them, from relating to Little Larry the Chameleon. Today we will go over to visit my parents, and on the way I plan to suggest we stop for a coffee so I can tell her the real story. I just wish there were more time.

Originally Posted By: walkingsouth
It's okay to be 10 again, actually. I've read it and heard it from any number of sources any number of times that the lessons we learn in our recovery more often than not take us right back to our state of being at the time the brokenness occurred. We then progress in our healing right from where we left off when the injury took place. If that is the case, feeling 10 again is a good thing \:\) and in that sense it IS really important not only because of what it is you will be doing with your son and mother, but because it's the next big step on the recovery path.


It DOES feel like being 10 again, going over to see Mom and Dad knowing what will happen soon. I keep asking myself crazy questions like "Will there be a boys bathroom?", "Will there be a Pastor's Study?", "Will there be a Fellowship Hall with back rooms?" - all the places Little Larry remembers being taken, sometimes walking past people who never ever SAW what was happening right there in front of them.

I keep functioning in a normal way, but when these thoughts come up I wonder "How am I doing that?" I don't see me heading into a big meltdown like I used to do, and I feel vaguely guilty about that. I feel confident but I wonder is it real. I feel like maybe I'm a lot stronger than I thought, but that is a VERY scary idea somehow.

Much mumbling,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#210257 - 03/12/08 09:17 AM Re: Trying [Re: roadrunner]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Quote:
I don't see me heading into a big meltdown like I used to do, and I feel vaguely guilty about that. I feel confident but I wonder is it real. I feel like maybe I'm a lot stronger than I thought, but that is a VERY scary idea somehow.


I'm not sure what I'm relating that to, Larry, but that is SUCH a familiar feeling.

Is it because we think of no-crisis-right-now as a kind of denial?

Is it because part of our healing, a major part, is wondering whether we deserve to heal?

Is it because we are used to the calm before the storm, and a big calm means bad weather coming?

Is it because being stronger means the past isn't driving us anymore--the kid we used to be isn't tugging on our sleeve as often--and we'll miss him because he was really amazing?

No answers...but you deserve, and have earned, all the strength and serenity you have.

David


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#210316 - 03/12/08 03:47 PM Re: Trying [Re: MemoryVault]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Larry,

I'll be thinking of you walking into that Church on Easter morning. I'll be scared for you and concerned; I'll be hoping that you can see past all of the old, ugly memories and instead see the beauty that's there. I'll be wishing I could hold your hand and tell you it's OK, go as far as you can and not one step further. Your family and friends who love and support you will be there and all of your friends from here will be thinking of you. You know that - so hold us all close in your heart and do what you can do.

BTW, your Dad is the COOLEST! I know you already know that what the abuser told you about him was a lie, and on Sunday morning, he'll be right next to you, whether its inside or outside of the church your Dad will be with you. I'm pretty sure that between the grown up Larry and Larry's Dad, you've got this covered!

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#211380 - 03/18/08 12:23 AM Re: Trying [Re: roadrunner]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Can't do the prayer thing, but wow! And i thought i was making a ballsy move getting set up for therapy! I really hope this does, as your hoping, turn out to be the start of something good for you. I gotta say i'm kinda scared for you though. I tend to get issues triggered by being in churches and i wasn't abused by a deacon. Maybe before then you might try something like a toe in the water kind of experience like maybe just walking into a church that is open but not holding a service just to see how it is for you first. Just an idea. Good luck, my thoughts, if not my prayers will be with you.

_________________________
My Story
My Art

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#211779 - 03/19/08 10:31 PM Re: Trying [Re: blueshift]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Had an interesting experience over the weekend in State College, where I was speaking at a conference to honor my first teacher in Middle East history. There was a guy there who had also studied with the same teacher and went on to become an eastern Orthodox priest.

We were talking about whether the church bears institutional blame for allowing kids to be abused by priests that just got shifted around for decades, and anyway, suddenly he was looking me in the eye, saying I am so sorry, and asking if I would accept a prayer and a Russian blessing from a priest who was as outraged as I was. I don't remember much about the next few minutes, except what he was doing felt important.

I have no idea why it feels so dangerous talking about this. I mean, I DO, but I think I don't. sigh

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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