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#131470 - 08/17/04 11:04 PM Open for business
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
New topic area!

Due to popular demand, we are setting up a new topic area, Sexual Identity Issues.

This area is to deal with sexual problems that are not otherwise in the Gay Survivors forum.

It might be about confused feelings of sexuality (am I straight, bi, gay?), or sexual behaviors that are confusing. For those who are struggling with compulsive masturbation, feelings of acting out on children, At Risk is the place to deal with those behaviors.

We will opt to move topics to appropriate areas when necessary. Since this is a new area, we will probably move things that perhaps shouldn't be moved in the beginning until we figure things out. So, please bear with us. We don't yet have a moderator(s), and I'm going to ask all mods to let me know if they want to be involved with this one.

So, let's roll, but please be patient as we work things out.

There will be no sexual solicitation in this or any MS forums. If you are found to be soliciting anyone for sex (cyber or otherwise), you will be banned from this site.

Ken


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#131471 - 08/18/04 06:25 PM Re: Open for business
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Thank you very much Ken. You are a kind and compassionate man and I have a lot of respect for you.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#131472 - 08/18/04 07:02 PM Re: Open for business
Rick Goodwin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/26/03
Posts: 56
Loc: Ottawa, Ontario, CANADA
Brilliant work, team! Thank you, Ken! I feel that just another chapter in my life is embraced by MaleSurvivor!

Damn, why was this site not here 30 years ago? \:\)

Courage to all my brothers who are exploring this issue for the first time. And if these brothers at not yet members of the organization, perhaps this is yet another reminder of this resource for us all. Please join to help make it stronger.

Cheers, Rick

_________________________
Rick Goodwin, MSW RSW
Executive Director
The Men's Project/Le projet pour hommes
Ottawa, Ontario, CANADA
"Helping men and their families build better lives"
www.themensproject.ca

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#131473 - 08/23/04 05:17 AM Re: Open for business
fusionoflove Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/03/04
Posts: 112
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
Mr. Singer,

Great idea on starting this forum. When I first visited this site, this is exactly what I was looking for at the time. Although I've found other outlets, this can help people now and in the future.

I thought I was crazy during the beginning of my recovery. Hell, even before I fessed up to myself and to a friend about what happened to me. Adult male survivors, as far as I have read, biggest issues come out of confusion over sexuality. Thanks so much for adding this. To anyone checking this forum out because you've had some of the same issues I would also recommend every article on this website. It helped me tremendously.

Thanks again and take it easy,
Fusion

This is great though, I don't know if I can help child sexual abuse victims with these issues, but I can at least provide insight from an adult male rape victim. Hopefully, it can help everyone


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#131474 - 06/20/05 12:17 AM Re: Open for business
FEELNLOWBRO Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/05
Posts: 22
There is a part of me that says I can never be accepted by other men as male, the belief that there is something, anything, no matter how seemingly minor, that will disqualify me from being accepted by the other guys as male. In this part of myself I am still like at the beginnings of my teens, wanting the warm acceptance of other males in my group, which doesn't and didn't exist. One of the key areas where I have this fear about something at root being missing or incomplete or insufficient is in going to the gym to compete with other men; I can go and play but I feel the deep fear of competition, like I have to psychologically destroy the other male and not be humiliated, which I cannot stand. I also fear going to the shower rooms and being seen.

I know this sounds wierd but when I go to a pool and smell the chlorine it reminds me of the very unpleasant feeling I had in possibly competing with other males.

It is hard for me to accept psychologically and physically that I am adequate to being accepted as a male "by the other boys" of my past and still cotninuing as a thought to this daya. I will write more later.


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#131475 - 08/29/05 10:19 AM Re: Open for business
BARZEAL Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/28/05
Posts: 3
Loc: usa
ken singer, well i am confused already. i understand sexual identiy issues and how complex they can be, however i don't understand why and how "acting out on children" would be part of sexual identity issues--that to me is a police matter..i am new to this MS sight and to me this is upsetting to hear that MS has a place for perps to work on their sickness. i am truly upset

_________________________
Truth will free my sole, love will let it soar

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#131476 - 08/29/05 01:16 PM Re: Open for business
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Barzeal:
Please note that there is not a place here for people for acting out on children. The Sexual Identity forum is NOT for that. Read over the welcome:

"For those who are struggling with compulsive masturbation, feelings of acting out on children, At Risk is the place to deal with those behaviors."

FEELINGS of acting out on children can be discussed in At Risk. Feelings are not reportable to the police. We would rather have someone discuss his feelings in the restricted forum At Risk than to keep silent and possibly act on those feelings. Prevention is better than cleaning up the aftermath.

Please don't be upset because we are not protecting perpetrators.

Ken Singer


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#131477 - 11/29/05 10:34 PM Re: Open for business
Roderick Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/29/05
Posts: 22
Loc: California
Mr. Singer-
Upon looking over this wesite further I came upon
your new forum. Thank you.
As a grown man of 45, who was first abused sexually at the age of 4 by a man, I am here to tell you that I have never felt totally connested to my maleness. I sometimes have experiences where I don't feel inside that I look like the man I am on the outside, and I am
considered to be attractive, very masculine looking man.
After years of therapy, I still grapple with this isssue oif identification, although I feel most comfortable with a woman, I still have strong homosexual fantasies. At times I am
accepting of how this is how my life played itself out, but there are other times when I'm emotionally unbalanced and things seem to feel out of control.
I am currently not in therapy, bu this website
is already giving me an opportunity to express myself and that is very helpful right now in my life.

_________________________

Roderick

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#131478 - 12/21/05 05:03 AM Re: Open for business
Dead Man Talking Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/21/05
Posts: 5
Loc: Pacific Northwest
I, too, grapple with identity issues and have strong homo-erotic fantasies.

Michael

_________________________
A cold, self-righteous prig who goes regularly to church may be far nearer to hell than a prostitute. But, of course, it is better to be neither. -- C.S. Lewis

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#131479 - 12/28/05 04:02 AM Re: Open for business
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
This is from my book (in progress so please don't reprint it):

“What if I think about penises a lot? Does that mean I’m gay?” Not necessarily. The man described above associated sexual pleasure with his mother’s (and later his partners’) legs, shoes and feet. If a boy experiences powerful sexual feeling while sucking his abuser’s penis, or having his own penis licked, or touching or being touched on the penis, he may make a similar connection. In addition, as teenagers discovering masturbation, we reinforce the pleasurable feelings with the sight and feel of our own penises. So, with a “normal” (that is, non-abusive) sexual history, we will have a neutral to good association with penises. Our penis can make us feel good, powerful, and alleviate boredom.

But when the sexual feelings are forced, unwanted, confusing, even painful, the association with the penis can be contaminated. Some men hate their penis because it “betrayed” them by getting erect in an abusive situation. Because the male abuser, particularly when there are negative feelings towards him, has a penis, some survivors may associate the penis with the hurt, betrayal, pain, humiliation, shame, and guilt from the abuse. Think of the confusion one might feel from having these negative emotions about the abuse or abuser, and trying to feel good about one’s sexuality and penis.

One important consideration is to look at why you desire to act out sexually with other men. If the acts are reenactments of your abuse, it may be because the trauma is still unresolved and the sex is a way of returning to the trauma, perhaps hoping on an unconscious level, that this time you are not the helpless one. It may also be that you have been taught or conditioned that doing this behavior will bring closeness, acceptance or some other emotional need that you may not have in your life at the moment.


Ken


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