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#191723 - 11/17/07 04:25 PM WHO AM I, why is my head so cloudy with turn on's
bmac Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/28/07
Posts: 27
Loc: Atlantic Canada
Well I"m very glad to found this website as for me it helps to know that I"M not alone, as this is how most of my life seemed, I really struggled with my identy for a long time, after being abused by my uncle at 10, then raped by a friend at 12 who i trusted with this information and then sexually assulted again at 16 by an complete stranger, I really felt like I had a sign above my head, for me, women's lingerie is my turn on or crossdressing as some say, and I always struggled with why and who i am, i seem to have regular relationships and know that I only want to be with women, and now have found my soul mate who has accepted this part of my turn on's......but still it somehow always plays on my head, why crossdressing is such a turn on for me, wondering if anyone has similar thoughts, or how they deal with the issues.......or thoughts on just accepting who you are, as I always wonder if this is who i am, or am i thinking this way from my abuse and rape.........


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#191744 - 11/17/07 08:06 PM Re: WHO AM I, why is my head so cloudy with turn on's [Re: bmac]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey bmac, Not quite the same for me, but the issues I have are. I've always wondered if my sexuality is based on my assault or just a part of who I am. Who I am has always been a big question for me, more of a conundrum than a question but I'm starting to put less and less thought into that question and more into what makes me happy and who do I connect with.

No real answers for you buddy but I definately hear you.

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#191745 - 11/17/07 08:59 PM Re: WHO AM I, why is my head so cloudy with turn on's [Re: mogigo]
bmac Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/28/07
Posts: 27
Loc: Atlantic Canada
have to agree there mike, I guess for me it's when someone questions me and I don't have the answers that I start to question and get the clouds again, is this what I would of liked before the rape, assult, etc or did it just play a part, and is that just who I am, it's a question that I find the hardest dealing with everything.......you would think it would be more trust issues, etc., but for me, it's really been the hardest to deal with all these years.........glad to know that at least people might have simlar feelings.......and thanks for posting that.......really helps, especially tonight....


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#191818 - 11/18/07 04:54 PM Re: WHO AM I, why is my head so cloudy with turn on's [Re: bmac]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
Hi Bmac,

Just like Mike, my reply is "same but different." I've many times wondered about how I was transformed by the abuse. And I wonder who I'd be without it. I don't really know what turns me on. I sometimes seem to be turned on by things that later turn me off. Mostly I feel like my sexuality got totally covered by the slime of the abuse, and I'm trying to find a way to wash off the slime so I can just be happy with that side of myself as I am happy with the rest of the things in my life. It feels like I'm just reliving the abuse over and over again. A therapist once pointed this out to me, that my porn life (which is fortunately minimal!) was really an attempt to return to that old place, and her comment was so right on that I could hardly take it in. It's very strange for me, as while I'm watching I'm just saying to myself, why am I doing this to myself, not enjoying it, but sort of caught by the activity (which also only comes when I'm really down). So I don't know what that says about who I am, except that I'm still stuck in that spot from 30 years ago. And it's not a spot I want to stay in. I'm going to get unstuck soon! \:\)


Danny


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#191825 - 11/18/07 05:49 PM Re: WHO AM I, why is my head so cloudy with turn on's [Re: DannyT]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303


When you hope and dream, what do you hope and dream for?

It's that simple, don't let it go, don't move back from it, fight for it. Whatever it is.

Sexual identity confusion can be a crutch used so as not to have to put ourselves on the line and fight for our dreams. It's a game the mind plays, it's smoke and mirrors, and not the real issue.

The issue is beginning to feel worthy of making our hopes and dreams come true.

Forget about the sexual fantasies, it's just a game, an endlessly complicated question with no answers because the answers are elsewhere.

In hopes and dreams and our heart's desires.

The questions arise when we step back and question our dreams.

Take care,
Katie


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#191866 - 11/19/07 04:06 AM Re: WHO AM I, why is my head so cloudy with turn on's [Re: Kathryn]
bmac Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/28/07
Posts: 27
Loc: Atlantic Canada
Thank you Danny T, I really hope that you get unstuck, I know for me I"m more and more just excepting right now that women lingerie or clothing turns me on, I try not to think about it, but like you say the same old question, what part did it have on my life....obviously some.......I really was curious about the fetish life style and like you, did stuff at the time that i enjoyed, but as soon as it was over felt bad, I decided that this couldn't be something I really liked, and was more linked to going back to the abuse, rape, assult in my life.......

Katie, thanks for your words of wisdom, certainly always felt guilty about having my dreams come true, but yet would work so hard for them and never seem to be satisfied......I'm very successful in life and yet feel like I've obcomplished very little..............I know my heart lies with my daughter and finacee, and my dream was always to help others.....but still have a hard time doing that, any suggestions or tips..............do you really think that the women's lingerie and clothing turn on's are more?


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#191874 - 11/19/07 07:24 AM Re: WHO AM I, why is my head so cloudy with turn on's [Re: bmac]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303


see reply in Friends and Family


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#191881 - 11/19/07 09:38 AM Re: WHO AM I, why is my head so cloudy with turn on's [Re: Kathryn]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Hi Bmac,

Welcome to the site, glad you found us and hopefully, you will benefit from your experience here. Seems like once we are molested, there is an aura or something created that other perps can see and we get abused again and again. Sorry you went through that.

No question about our sexuality and preferences getting significantly impacted, seemingly distorted and at the very least, confused. That doesn't make us bad, wrong or screwed up. It just means that we need to pick up the pieces and assemble them in a way that hopefully works.

How that shows up certainly can vary from cross dressing, same sex attraction, becoming asexual, wanting to go back and re-experience the abuse, etc. Knowing that, I think it is crucial that we see a therapist and try to sort things out the best we can. Also, to come to accept what is, find others who won't judge us but find the good that exists in all of us and then just be the best you can be.

Kathryn's point about not losing sight of our dreams is a good one. To somehow get past the effects of our abuse, recognize we are just as worthy as anyone else for having it all, and then proceeding forward to realize our every dream is a real possibility.

One of the gifts you now have as a result of being molested, is an awareness and sensitivity of others. Your ability to understand and help others is greatly enhanced due to what happened to you. Perhaps accepting what is, enjoying what you can, and continuing to move forward isn't all that bad.

There is a lot to learn here so do what you can to take it all in. You will be better off for it.

I wish you well.

Barney


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#192005 - 11/20/07 05:29 PM Re: WHO AM I, why is my head so cloudy with turn on's [Re: Barney]
bmac Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/28/07
Posts: 27
Loc: Atlantic Canada
thank you for your words and encouragement and thoughts, sometimes it's tough to see the positives out of this or from your experience, but am glad to have found this site, it really helps me cope with my issues, my whole life i never had any support and anytime I tried talking about the issues I usually only got hurt or people walked away from me, the last 8mths have been amazing for this, not only have I found the most amazing person to help support me, but I also found this website to help with my issues from a common standpoint, I did the therapy thing for a bit and found that is were I first admitted it happen to myself, like i'm sure many others on here, really didn't want to believe or tried to forget the abuse, rape, assult ever happened, and the fact that it happen with three different people made me believe i really did have that big sign on my head, and tried everything I could to forget it..........I really feel for the first time I am moving on, and once the charges are done then I certainly feel like it will close that final chapter with the abuse...........I hope you are well Barney and certainly ever want to chat, just give me a shout..... I find it very helpful to chat with like minded people........if you don't chatting ..that is, take care and all the best


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#210152 - 03/11/08 06:18 PM Re: WHO AM I, why is my head so cloudy with turn on's [Re: bmac]
JT's the Man Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/21/08
Posts: 41
Buddy:

I am glad I found this community as well, I have spent very little time but have already uncovered a lot of insight.

I am one who believes that no matter what your attractions or feelings, they are valid...
It's OKAY!.
Accept where you are on your journey, you will find it's easier to get wherever you want to go.

JT


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