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Hey mob, I've been sorta checking on your "status" from time to time because I completely understand your anger and frustration. I just haven't said much because as an "out" person myself, I definitely do not want you to think that I am going to try to convince you that are hiding anything, which is what those awful "friends" of yours seem to be suggesting. You can trust me when I say that it will not hurt my feelings if you do not feel comfortable discussing your feelings or trusting an openly "gay" man at this point. The painfulness of your situation seems clear to me and I don't want to be a trigger for you.

Having said that, I'm trying to figure out where I might be able to help you because it seems clear that you understand how pointless and hurtful labels are. Labels can be as damaging as a disease when you use them to apply to people. You might remember a while back I made a suggestion to you that "gay" and "abuse" should not be treated as a single issue, and it seemed you understood very quickly the importance of making that distinction.

The way you describe your friends ribbing you about "looking" gay just makes me feel awful, even a bit angry. You may be blaming yourself for their behavior, and that is not acceptable. It hurts you, and that is all that matters. They are being cruel for not considering the consequences of their words and actions. I say it this way because in your post it sounds like you are taking the approach that this is your problem to solve, and I'm not sure if you are aware of the possibility that the problem is not you. I don't know how much involvement these friends actually have in your life so I would never tell someone in your situation to simply find new friends.

If I can give you my honest opinion, I believe that the healthiest thing to do here might be to recognize who is responsible for these unbelievably unpleasant feelings (these friends of yours), and then decide if you think it is possible to stop the behavior. You have every right to go out for an afternoon or an evening of socialization, and not have to be triggered when it is so completely unnecessary. There is always the possibility that they might not be mature enough to understand that it needs to stop immediately. If that turns out to be the case, the decision seems clear, which does not necessarily mean that it will also be easy. In fact, it most likely won't be easy no matter what you decide.

I hope what I am saying here does not strike you unpleasantly in any way. I am learning to communicate with people differently everyday myself. We are all on a similar journey here.

Take care,

Craig

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Nobody "knows" anything about you that you don't tell them. That is a fact that you can take to the bank.


I don't quite know how to respond to that, but I think it boils down to a matter of respect. If you ask them not to make those kind of comments, and they continue, I don't see how they can respect you and your feelings.



That sounds like a great start!




You are most certainly not alone on that one, many guys here (whatever their sexuality) have been and still are struggling with that word.



I'm sorry that you can't depend on your family members to respect your feelings, but it wouldn't surprise me if the ones making comments had sexuality issues of their own. That's why they put forth the effort to redirect anyone's attention.



Do you have a copy of Mike Lew's Victims No Longer yet? I have just started reading it myself and so far I am very, very impressed with the material. These issues are explained in great detail. It helps to take the mystery out of those very confusing emotions.

That ex-girlfriend of yours ought to be ashamed of herself. She violated a very important confidence, whether you asked her to keep it in confidence or not. What a complete lack of respect AND maturity. She revictimized you, and I'm very sorry to hear that. I was revictimized myself in college, and I think that year traumatized me more than anything else.

As far as religion goes, I don't think it's something to be worried about, but I'm not saying that's it's easy to sort out either. I have created my own personal religion and I simply love it. It's a very personal interpretation of the world so please be aware it could sound disturbing to some people. If you are interested I will gladly share it with you.

Routine patterns help most of us, it keeps us from overthinking and ruminating on our painful pasts. "Dropping" the things that trigger you certainly helps to keep your head above water, but be aware that there is a word for this, and that is avoidance. The good news is that there is nothing wrong with coping that way, just don't beat yourself up if can't avoid triggers 100% of the time. That's would be and incredibly unrealistic expectation. The key is learning new coping skill and gaining new tools to bounce back faster. You are already doing the things necessary to get those skills and tools.

No I don't have a copy of mike lews book and I plan to invest in it. I thank you for your respect and views on what you can see that I was missing all a long. It helps to know that im not alone!

What do you mean by avoidance? I don't avoid my triggers if I said that thats not what I meant. I know when my triggers start to occur and when they do start up I find different routes to deal with them especially internally and it like since I've started to notice them I can control them to a certain exstent and live my life comfortably.

See when I journal I write to my abuser and then to my inner child and then I write about my day. It works like a charm for me sometimes I don't see the big picture as to whats going on. I bet if I could get a copy of that book somewhere it might help me with my recovery.

Alot of the symptoms I like to say are more towards the same sex because of the abuse. With the whole thing with my friends and them not taking the consideration it makes things worse but there getting better because when they see me with my gf they shutup and hang there heads I think its funny and they know that I know about it all its not like I have nothing to hide and im not afraid to stand up to them anymore at a certain level I surely can open up my mouth, but its like when I feel that overpowerness and theres more then one Its hard I do like to be around people but being introverted/anti-social it makes things hard for me to deal with because I internalize everything and don't say anything at times and it just sits and then thats when I start to journal. I could share some of my journal entries... just so people can get an understanding.

No offense to you craig I know you mean well and all but I was just wondering if anyone has anything else to say about any of this preferably straight to see it from there perspective. Anyways take care everyone!

My apologies, I interpreted something you said as avoidance. I have a tendency to project my issues onto others from time to time. Also, learning to identify when we've been triggered and then what caused the trigger is a huge part of how we recover, so you are right on!

I used to journal constantly when I was feeling bad. I never figured out what the point of it was so I stopped doing it, but that's just me. I found out very quickly that these books are not to be read cover to cover like you would a novel. After the first two chapters, I was so overwhelmed by how it was describing me on a very deep level, I had to stop. It's extremely important to pace yourself so you can reflect and digest the information.

I know what you mean about your symptoms being more toward the same sex. I am gradually learning to recognize the difference between feelings that are a result of the abuse and feelings that are a result of a simple attraction.

No offense taken. It would be more helpful to you if you could get a little more diversity in the responses, but try not to be hurt if no one jumps in right away. At this point sometimes it's better to just start a new thread.

Take care!
Craig

Post deleted by awakening

Thanks guys for the advice and help it makes me feel a lot better about things. I did start going over mike lews book victims no longer and it seems pretty interesting to me. When I was reviewing it there were parts that hit me pretty hard about being able to go back into my chilhood years and reviewing all that truly went on.

When I read that for the first time it made me realize for the past 17yrs I've been living in my abuse and not being the man I want to portray into society. That what truly happend wasn't right.

My childhood growing up was a mess for me and I will say I was a very confused little kid I wanted to grow up fast and get away from my family life and the situations I was living in. Everyday was like a roller coaster my parents were heavily into partying and drugs and my sister was always babysitting us or we were pushed off onto someone else to watch over us. It was hard because I never saw my parents and when we did they were either fighting or arguing in the home life and it was very hard on me and my bro and sister.

I pretty much lived my home life in my room away from my parents and family. My way of surviving I like to say... Remember times when I would see my dad and my mom doing lines of coke right in front of me or my father selling sheets of acid to people at my grandparents.

When my parents fought they really got into it mostly because my mother was severely insecure about herself and never really grew up herself. I love my mother for having me but she isn't my mother my step mother is. I also remember my dad when I was younger kicked me in the head with some steel toe shoes and I remember it like the back of my hand because for years my mother brainwashed me and told me that my father was this horrible person and what not and over time I held a grudge about him everyday and I hated but didn't truly realize why through the years.

While all this was going on my parents really had no control over us because we were always going out to play at the park or going swimming or playing video games etc... thats where my CSA took place and when this happend I had no one to tell because I didn't trust my parents or I felt like they really didn't give a shit because of there own problems at the time... My friend greg was a really good friend before the abuse but then once he started doing that stuff to me it was like I didn't truly realize what was going on because I was kid. He picked on me a lot and I just thought he was trying to toughening me up being 4yrs older then me. Once he brought me into that shower I will never forget because when we were in there I so wanted to tell his mother what had happend but he told me if I told anyone about this he would kick my ass so I ignored all of this and hid it from anyone. thats why I called my childhood L.I.F.E living in fear everywhere. because thats the way my childhood was. I soo want to work hard on recovery and overcome a lot of this and I know its going to take a lot of work but its hard because the area I live in the only true resource is the internet and the local therapist I can go to the only support groups they have around here for alcoholics and if I do want to go to one I have to travel atleast an hour and I don't have the funds to do so.