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#20984 - 11/17/02 02:24 PM Time to Grow Up
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
I must say that this post was inspired by MrDon and Wuame. I found MS about a month ago and have been a little unsure what to make of it and how to relate it to myself. But in this past month things have made sense to me for once so I think what happened to me was actually abuse. Now that I've identified it I hope I can move on with myself.

Here's an abridged version of what happened to me: When I was five my sister use to act out her sexual fantasies on me. I never thought anything of it. I enjoyed it for the most part. But as I grew up I found sex to be a unequivocally forbidden. I never knew why and I always thought that when I was older it would all work out. I always found myself attracted to women, no doubt about it. But when I was 21 my world came crashing down on me. Triggered by a pseudo-gay scene in a movie, I had a mental crisis. Anxiety attacks, lack of sleep and all that stuff. I knew that there was some big problem but I couldn't identify it. All I knew was that I couldn't have a relationship with a woman and what triggered me was homosexual in nature. I ended up having some uncontrolled thoughts about men. So I figured I was gay. I was a wreck. My last year in college I saw a therapist figuring that I need to come to terms with my new sexuality. After 6 months of that I was in no better shape. It didn't help. This past summer I went to Europe for a well needed vacation. I found myself in London for a few days by myself. I was miserable. I was lonely and sad. I couldn't relate to anyone and most importantly I couldn't relate to myself (Lloydy and all the other Brits—It's too bad that I didn't have a healthier mind set because London has a lot to experience. If I would have known you guys I would have tracked you down for a pint). I knew then that something had to change. So I went to some gay support groups figuring it was a start. My first time there I found myself attracted to the females. Talk about confusing!!! After that I started researching sexual abuse and found Male Survivor. It was the first thing I could actually relate to. I can't express myself enough how thankful I am to everyone here. Roy, Devon, Thad, Wuame, ABCD, Don-NY, all of you. Thanks!

So here I am. I'm 24 years old and I'm stuck. I've had trouble growing up. I've been trying to have a normal childhood for the past 19 years but it just didn't work. My experiences with my sister, my parents' puritanical concept of sex and other similar environmental factors have kept that five year old from growing up. Essentially I've been carrying around the sexuality of a five year old for 19 years. Unfortunately that five year old affects many other parts of my life. I've always been very dependant on my family. I think that when I couldn't relate to people sexually it made me dependant on my parents for the emotional support I need. It's horribly frustrating and it zaps your self-esteem.

So now I'm not concerned whether or not I'll be waking up next to a man or a woman. It doesn't really matter. I can be happy either way. What matters right now is that I live my life as a whole person. Being confused will hopefully sort itself out after I get this part of myself in order. I need that five year old kid to grow up and be 24. So here is a letter to that little kid still inside of me. This letter is for me. I'm not necessarily looking for feedback but comment if you wish.

Dear Mikey,
You seem like you're a big guy now that you're five. You've seen a lot, done a lot and you've started school. There's so much to learn and you feel like you're ready for everything. But Mikey, a five year old isn't ready to experience everything. Do you remember those moments with your sister? Your sister certainly loves you but did you ever consider her love may have been misplaced? What she did to you was not for a five year old to experience. She had her own problems and was acting them out on you. I know that you enjoyed it but don't get your confusion mixed up with pleasure. The two are not the same. I know you've seen similar things on the television and at the movies but those were grown ups and not five year olds. That does not make it right for you to engage in that type of activity. Those people in the movies did what they did because they were prepared for it. You were not because you do not fully understand the meaning of sex. Now that I know what your sister did to you she will be in a lot of trouble. If the two of you were ever caught you wouldn't have been in trouble. Just her, not you. You're a good kid Mikey. And don't let your parents' view of sex make you think that sex has to be sinful. It's not. It can be a beautiful thing. You have to understand that what happened has warped your view of yourself, your view of women, and your view of sex. Your sister was the one who initiated you to this strange world of sex and your parents only made you think it was shameful. You had no control over this and its not your fault.

Mikey, now is the time for you to grow up and enter adolescence. Don't be scared and withdrawn. Relax, let go and let yourself feel. Embrace yourself, embrace your sexuality and don't be too confused and scared to live the life you deserve. You certainly don't want to be five forever. You're starting over now and discovering many new things about yourself. Enjoy it and make the best of it! You're not going to be calling the shots anymore. I'm going to be the one in control. It's time for you to catch up to me because living the life as a whole person will be wonderful. Good luck!
Your elder ego,
Mike

Thanks guys,
Mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#20985 - 11/17/02 03:45 PM Re: Time to Grow Up
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Mike

Quote:
You’re a good kid Mikey.
Lloydy \:\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#20986 - 11/17/02 06:27 PM Re: Time to Grow Up
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Mike,
Keep telling Mikey that you love him because he needs to continue to hear it. The letter that you wrote shows that.... and I hope you keep it up.

While I can understand the confusion of being gay or straight or bi or just trying to figure out if you are sexual.... it isn't easy. The thing to focus on is finding someone that respects you, cares for you and enjoys being with you.... and you the same with them. If "love" is a good concept, you could add that in there as well. I always thought I would be in the standard relationship of society and my relationship is anything but what I could have ever imagined. That's ok for me as I continue to learn to accept myself. I'm not saying the same will be true for you, but try to just take these things as they happen... they make life much more fun that way.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

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http://www.donshetterly.com

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#20987 - 11/18/02 01:47 AM Re: Time to Grow Up
abcd Offline
Member

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
Hey Mike!

Nice note, and it amazes me again how much we all have in common. I can't tell you how well I can relate to your feelings of stunted growth/maturity when it comes to sexual matters (straight/bi/whatever). Today, was a learning/transforming experience for me as well--and inspired by YOU, I write my own letter (I hope it's not too cheesy, but it's something and it's a thought process that is helping me get out of this slump I have written about of late [almost happy thread and our recent conversation]). Anyway, it's something that made me realize that I can still keep focused on my goal and succeed.
---------------------------------------------

Okay, so here I now stand in uncertainty. For the first time in my life, I've opened myself up to new thoughts, new feelings, and explored all aspects of my sexuality. I have done things that, in retrospect, were mistakes perhaps, and I have devoted so much time to these things (along with abuse issues) that my dream to become a physician and so much more has been put at risk.

Still, I will NOT give up--for my sake, for my family, and for my friends--for all these years that I have worked hard. I know that this is the path that I lead and where I want to head. There is a world out there where I know I can do so much good in many, many ways--yes, there are other paths, it's true, to "do good," but I know that I've been blessed to have talents to do this. It is with these talents, which perhaps have laid dormant these few months, that I know I can truly put all the pieces of my life together. There's a plan in all this, I know.

Just as before in college...even if the worst things were to happen now, I know that I will survive this as I have so many other things before. While I have and will heed more other people's counsel, I will listen to my conscience first and not be afraid to do what I truly feel is most important to me at this point in my life. I know it will be okay. There are people out there who are there to help, and I know that Someone is always watching--no matter what.

This is what is life is about--ups and downs. All the emotions and the issues were bound to come out--why not now? It's for the best anyway perhaps--while I am still "young" and have the "community" that I need AND before I make life-decisions about "love." Also, it sheds my dependency and standing on my own so-called "intellect" as a sign of self-worth.

Indeed, these past few months have taught me so much about the equality of persons--the value of their experiences and emotions over their so-called intellect or prestige of their schools or diplomas or looks. These months have also shown me that beauty is INDEED more than skin-deep, and that all our stereotypes about others--are exactly that stereotypes (forget that 20 or 30% of grain of truth--overall, these stereotypes make you picture one person as just that trait rather than who they are--that is wrong; they are persons first). Furthermore, I have learned how deep my scars truly are, and how more I still have to go. Still, I know that EVERYONE--abused or not--has their own scars and burdens. For so long, I had hoped to be "normal" ever since I realized I was abused, and now, I realized, that in a sense--that's exactly where I am. It is a humbling experience to be sure, but it is one that I need if I am to truly follow my desire to help others and to finally find real love. Another blessing in disguise perhaps?

So, here I stand--and perhaps this is where I have always stood--uncertainty...I mean, we all do right? What do we as human beings truly know about tomorrow or even about anything? Still, I have faith that this life is a good one, and I know I will survive.

After all, success is not never falling (never falling seems like a sign of never been brave enough to challenge one's self or a delusional mind), but rather success is truly the result of one's ability to pick one's self up, everytime one falls.

Thus, I hang on...I have faith. Indeed, so long as I have as much faith as a mustard seed, I can and will continue to move mountains. \:D


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#20988 - 11/18/02 07:56 AM Re: Time to Grow Up
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Mike/Mikey: \:\)

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#20989 - 11/18/02 10:34 AM Re: Time to Grow Up
New to this Offline
Member

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 138
Loc: Mississippi
Mike,

I'm glad you have been able to make sense of all of this. It is time to let Mikey grow up, but don't be too hard on the little boy. I think Mikey is closer to 12 than 5, at least by Freud's reckoning.

Your issues with dependency have more to do with Mikey than Mike. It's Mikey who has the dependency on his parents, and it's Mikey who has been in charge.

It is interesting to look back over some of our communication and see how often Mike has asserted that he is in control. I think you have been trying to wrest control from Mikey for some time. Maybe it's time to have a talk with Mikey about who is in charge.

Devon

_________________________
"Knowledge itself is power" Francis Bacon

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#20990 - 11/18/02 11:54 PM Re: Time to Grow Up
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
Devon,
Sometimes you stun me with the accuracy of your words. But I guess when you've gone through this yourself you can relate all too well. For my whole life I've always known at some level that Mikey was in charge but I never put it in those exact words. For the most part I was content with it because it never caused me problems until recently. I think I'm going to edit my letter and tell Mikey that he's isn't in charge anymore. Maybe Mikey is 12 but he's at least a pre-adolescent youth. Thanks Devon.

MrDon,
When we imagin what our future will be it is never what we plan. I'm learning that the hard way. I always thought I would find myself in a nice marriage shortly after college. You know, the white picket fence and all of that. Well, I'm far from that and unfortunately I'm still trying to find where I am exactly. I'm slowly coming to the realization myslef that I need to "focus of finding someone that respects me, cares for me and enjoys being with me....and me the same with them." I think I've been waiting for some triggering event that will make everything right again much like my first trigger that made everything wrong. But as I accept myself that latter sentiment seems to fade away a little bit.

One last thing MrDon. I didn't mean to steer your last posting towards the topic of masturbation. What my mind was focused on was that I never let people physically near me and, for the most part, masturbation was a poor replaced for that physical touch we all need. I still want to try therapeutic massage. Maybe it could be helpful.

ABCD,
I'm going to print this thread out because it too amazes me how much we have in common. A lot of what you said could have been echoed by me. Especially the part concerning this being a life changing experience. I certainly don't look at people how I use to. I appreciate them, everyone. We'll be talking about this, I'm sure. By the way, it wasn't cheesy.

Thanks a lot Lloydy and Wuame. I appreciate it.
mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#20991 - 11/19/02 05:49 PM Re: Time to Grow Up
New to this Offline
Member

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 138
Loc: Mississippi
Thoughts on the inner child:

I've been under the assumption that my inner child was the wide-eyed, innocent little boy like Mikey on the Life Cereal commercial. However, my inner child is really a manipulative, self centered, spoiled brat devoted to self-preservation. He's more like Chucky from "Child's Play".
We lament the loss of our innocence as children, yet we fail to realize the implication of that. Our inner children are not innocent. They will not comply without a fight. They will not give up control easily. Why else would we be having such problems with them?
Maybe it's time we recognized our inner children for the destructive little bastards that they really are. I thought about writting a letter to little Devon, but instead I think I'm going to go kick his but.
Big Devon

_________________________
"Knowledge itself is power" Francis Bacon

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#20992 - 11/19/02 11:18 PM Re: Time to Grow Up
rax Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/00
Posts: 75
Loc: Newark, CA
Hi Big Devon,

your post made me smile. I was trying to picture my inner child as chucky.
I think my inner child has been manipulative, self-centered and a spoiled brat too.

But I think it was for self preservation.
I wouldnt be alive, had he not been manipulative, self-centered and a spoiled brat.

I do believe that children are born innocent and naive and pure ...and then the world starts influencing their change in behaviour.

Take care of little Devon. He did a great job, even though he was/is just a little kid.

rax.


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#20993 - 11/19/02 11:21 PM Re: Time to Grow Up
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
Devon,
I was a stubborn little brat as a kid, at least that is what my parents tell me. But when you're that type of kid you don't recognize that in yourself, certainly at that time you don't. You think that you're an angel and the world revolves around you. So your last post has really made me think a little. I think that I, too, have always been under the assumption that I was the innocent Life cereal Mikey. I never made the connection that I was truely a stubborn little brat. So maybe he too needs his butt kicked. Someone has got to tell him that his goals for self-preservation are not going to be my goals!

John,
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I appreciate knowing that I have friends here. Friends that understand me and friends that I can grow up with. That goes for everyone. I didn't really have any of those when I was a kid.

These past few days have really made me think a lot about myself. So much so that it has actually made my head hurt. Maybe that's just Mikey refusing to give up. So I'm going to bed right now 'cause I need my rest.
Mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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