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#209730 - 03/09/08 03:46 PM Violence, my history might trigger
johnnymike Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/08/08
Posts: 51
Loc: Central Ohio
This is something I wrote as I am trying to work through what has happened.


Violence is all I knew for 17 1/2 years
Your threats and weapons worked me
into submission
Too many beatings and degrading acts
I can still feel the gun against my head
when you are haunting my mind

I learned to ask for pain so you would deny
me what you thought I wanted
2:30 am and the phone would ring with the
order to be ready
One night you asked for company and I was
anxious to see some humanity
In five minutes there was a gun against my
head as you tore into and raped my body

You would hold the gun to my head and tell me
tonight was my night to die
My heart and soul had been dying for years
You made me beg for you until I was worthy
I prayed to God while I was begging and each time
you called I knew my prayers were not answered

You would kick me in the crotch if I became erect
You would kick me in the crotch if I were not erect
In all those years it did not matter what I did
I was always wrong and deserving of punishment

Your violence trained me to silence my voice
Your punches and kicks could not cause me to utter a cry
I swallowed my anger and my nos fell on deaf ears
I learned you would become more violent if I complained

You complained for 17 years that I was no good
I was so ugly you had to cover my face with porn mags
If you were not in the mood you would call to tell me
there was a bomb in my car
After so much pain I would hope when I turned the key

One night you called and called me by my name
I told you that you had the wrong number
I had become so accustomed to derogatory terms that I
did not recognize my name spoken by your voice
In 17 years I never heard you speak my name

You called for five more years wanting to know if
I was over my mood
I have not been with a man since and I am now afraid of sex
I internalized my hate for you and hurt myself worse
than you ever did
If you recognize yourself in this I will probably be murdered


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#209812 - 03/09/08 09:43 PM Re: Violence, my history might trigger [Re: johnnymike]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Johnnymike,
There is so much pain in this poem it is hard to read. I feel so bad that this could happen to you. Your heart will not believe this even if your head does. But you are a wonerful valuable worthy human being that has been damaged. But not beyond repair. There is hope, there is healing, there is no shame and there is no guilt in what happened to you for you to bear. I am honored that you have felt safe enough to share your life story in this poem with us. Welcome Brother to the road back to being human and loved. Pour your heart out here. Your still young enough to change the course of your life and we can help. thank you again for your trust of us with this poem.



Edited by Freedom49 (03/09/08 10:24 PM)

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#209820 - 03/09/08 10:06 PM Re: Violence, my history might trigger [Re: Freedom49]
johnnymike Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/08/08
Posts: 51
Loc: Central Ohio
Roger,

This poem was not about my childhood abuse but my later adult abuse. My childhood abuse caused me to be a victim and I always had trouble standing up for myself. My adult abuser used threats against my family mostly my mother to keep me in line. Having low self esteem and being use to abuse it was easy for him to take control.

I am sorry for any confusion I created.


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#209826 - 03/09/08 10:30 PM Re: Violence, my history might trigger [Re: johnnymike]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
I corrected my post slightly. Everything else I said I still believe for you guy. I think it was the 17 and 1/2 years that threw me off.


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