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#209656 - 03/08/08 11:11 PM now he says he lied about not remembering wedding
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Ok, for well over a yr now I have come here and posted and read and cried and all that. My H has said time and again that he does not remember anything about our wedding day. My T said it is probably part of his PTSD, blocking out the good memories with the bad, anything that brings much emotion or stress out of him.

The other day I wanted to clarify w/ him that he still does not remember it, before I told him that it is probably due to PTSD, not to worry, there is a reason, etc.

Well, he laughed and said he did remember it, but he just didn't want to get into it when I had asked before. Gee, forgive me for not laughing, but I've been wasting my life trying to understand and help him, and he's making jokes about lying to my face. He just does not GET HOW MUCH THIS WHOLE ORDEAL IS HURTING ME.

I'm so p'd off right now. I feel depleted, I FEEL LIKE A DAMN FOOL. I'm liking him less with time, it seems. So I don't even know anymore, maybe we're going to be just another statistic (of marriages that don't work) due to the extraordinary gift of his CSA.

I have spent so much energy and time away from playing w/ our daughter or doing other things I need or would like to do, on worrying about his "amnesia" and PTSD and so many tears over his csa. Guess I'm wanting to start thinking about myself for a change.

Just glad y'all are here to moan w/ me. I'll be ok, I'm just feeling like s---- tonight.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#209662 - 03/09/08 01:05 AM Re: now he says he lied about not remembering wedding [Re: Brokenhearted]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
brokenhearted, I am so sorry he did that to you. I admit in our denial and we can be real bastards sometimes. If you read some of the posts you can see that. We will do anything to avoid subjects we are uncomfortable with or don't want to deal with. He owes you big time for this one.

On another note I agree with you it is time to take care of you. You can't put your daughter and your life on standby while you help him sort through his mess. And it is basically his mess.

It is almost impossible for us at times to see your pain for the bright red glow of ours. That is tragic and can be fatal in a relationship. To him I am sure it was, in his mind not that big a deal. He didn't want to deal with it so he lied. We are absoulutely GREAT at that kind of crap.

Again I am sorry you got hit with that. I know that hurt. It is like your feelings didn't matter at all. I have no advice for you here I am sorry. I can only try to help you understand what he might have been thinking or not thinking as is the case.

Take care of you. Take care of your daughter. She needs at least one of you to focus on her too. Good luck.



Edited by Freedom49 (03/09/08 01:07 AM)

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#209663 - 03/09/08 01:15 AM Re: now he says he lied about not remembering wedding [Re: Freedom49]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Brokenhearted,

I just want to echo what Roger said above, he said it so well. I know that I have said and done some really ignorant things in my own marriage that have hurt my wife. I can't excuse it, but at least I recognize it now in hindsight.

You do need to take care of yourself and your daughter. You can't save your husband or rescue him or do the work for him that he needs to do - that's his job, and he needs to realize that. You can be there for him, support him, etc., but the work is his to do. Taking care of yourself and your daughter are priority one, though.

_________________________
Eddie

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#209677 - 03/09/08 08:22 AM Re: now he says he lied about not remembering wedding [Re: Brokenhearted]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Brokenhearted,
Between me and my SO, there have been a number of times when he claimed "absolutely no recall." Always about something that happened between us. Most of the time it was to avoid talking about feelings or emotions that were attached to the moment.
Most of the time, if I say "I love you" to him, he'll respond with a flat "I know you do." This STILL annoys me. I remember one time, I even forget how the conversation actually started, but I made a statement like, "I know you love me." He got REALLY pissed off! Then, he demanded to know "who told?" I told him I got it from a Tarot Card reading. (This was during one of our more stressed periods and I'd had enough. If you ever had a chance to ask him, he'll probably tell you I get my information from, Tarot Cards, the Ouija Board and things come to me in dreams...) As they say, "What a long, strange trip this has been..."
Sometimes, it feels as though he thinks I'll do something to violate him in some way, to take advantage of his feelings... It's not rational. I mean, let's think this through... If that were true, I've waited patiently for 28 years to make my move? I think not. Yet, there are times when I get the feeling that he's waiting for the other shoe to fall, waiting for me to turn out to be "just like everyone else."
And, just a comment on "They, Them, and Everyone else..." These would be the people that my SO believes over me. He's taking to quoting them so often, that it's become something we actually laugh about... He'll start a sentence with "They say..." and I'll interrupt and ask, "Who are "They?" Or he'll say, "Well, everyone else says..." and I'll respond with, "Who's everyone else? Give me names." Usually, it turns out to be something he's heard on tv, the radio, or read from some unidentified source. Which, as I frequently point out, makes it impossible to assess what "They" actually know, and where "Everyone else" gets their information from.
No one likes to be lied to. It's a peeve of mine too and in our huge "Book of Rules", it's one of the few that are actually mine. He's denied remembering but other times will bring up moments between us that I've even forgotten. Once I realized that his memory for our details was as good as, if not better than mine, I realized that it was more denial than it was lies. He has to control if and when he discusses anything with me. For an example, (straight from our imaginary Rule Book) there is a "3 Comment Rule". Once he brings up the same topic 3 times, I'm free to ask questions because he wants to talk it out, run something past me,etc. But, if I don't wait and ask a question too soon, a wall will go up. Like I'm trying to "take" something from him and because of that, he's not giving it up.
You're not a fool. I'm sure he gets that you're hurting and it gives him another reason to hate himself for. That's what happens here. My SO believes he's responsible for everything that happened to him. He hates himself for it. He's also waiting for me to leave him. Everything is a test. It isn't fair. Someone betrayed his trust in the past, and I have spent the past 28 years of my life having to prove myself because of it. There have been SO MANY times I've found myself laying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling and wondering if I was really being supportive, or was I just a huge idiot? And, I wish I could tell you that once you understand the reasons behind what's happening it gets easier to take, but the truth is, things happen and it's only human to say, "Okay, ENOUGH ALREADY".
It's vital to keep your own personal life intact. One of the things I've done was to leave alot of this at home when I leave the house. It's great that you're seeing a T. My T, unfortunately, seems to know little about csa effects on men. She has told me it would be better to "cut my losses." After 28 years, and loving him as much as I do, it would likely be easier to cut my right arm off instead.
On this rollercoaster, you'll be moving upward again. (But keep your seatbelt on!)
Always,
Liv




Edited by Liv2124 (03/09/08 08:53 AM)

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#209680 - 03/09/08 09:29 AM Re: now he says he lied about not remembering wedd [Re: Brokenhearted]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
As I have said so many times to many people involved with someone who has been abused, has an addiction, or been through trauma. The best thing to do is take care of yourself first. Don't become so enmeshed in another persons issues that you are dragged down by them. I know its easier said than done when you love someone but it is vitally important that you don't let this happen. You know when this is happening because things don't make sense, you start feeling like you are the crazy one, you start wondering if this is real or just some big lie. Life just seems to be one crisis after another. Trust turns to suspicion, You start having emotional meltdowns, and there are other signs I can't think of right now.

This is what I have learned from my own experience with relationships with abused people. I have read the alanon book, and a few other books on co-dependence, all were a great help in learning to take care of me. I can't fix anyone, their issues are not my issues, If they are sad, upset, I don't have to be the same. I can be supportive but their feelings are not my feelings to own. I wish you well on your journey where ever it may take you, please don't let it take you away from yourself.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#209687 - 03/09/08 10:27 AM Re: now he says he lied about not remembering wedd [Re: GateKPR4]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1245
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
Hi Brokenhearted,

I just wanted to say thank you for not putting up with it and deciding to live your own life for yourself and your kids.

My mom's partner is also a survivor of sexual abuse. I can't tell you how much my mom hurt me trying to protect and cure Julie (her partner). She put us kids on the back burner and ignored our emotional health to save Julie from her pain, anger, and manipulations. She allowed us kids to be verbally and emotionally abused by Julie because Julie had a "sickness." She made us kids make excuses for abuse and somehow learn to "live with it" because Mom was too lonely or scared to leave or at least say it had to stop NO MATTER WHAT.

Mom, too, let(s) herself be abused for more than 20 years because she couldn't stand up to Julie and her CSA.

I'm 26 and am only now learning how to be an emotionally healthy adult and how to be expressive about my feelings in my life without fear of someone being "mad." I was forced into worrying only about Julie and her sh*t because Julie was too selfish and needy to share Mom with us.

It's refreshing to see a mom with some guts. I commend you and I hope you do what you think is right. I wish you luck.

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#209689 - 03/09/08 10:32 AM Re: now he says he lied about not remembering wedd [Re: GateKPR4]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
I do agree that everyone has to take care of themselves first, but having been involved with a survivor for quite awhile, I can also speak to the extreme difficulty in letting your partner's issues keep from dragging you down or affecting your mood from time to time. Quite frequently, things come up that do not make sense, earlier on, it happened more often, although 28 years later, he's still not at a loss for coming up with some new thing from time to time. This has caused alot of arguments because he is not the "island" he thinks he is, and no matter how I try to avoid them, some of his issues are going to create shadows on me. Can I save him? No. These issues that come up, the issues that exist, are real things. But, I think that as a partner, you have to work harder at keeping things in perspective and not taking things personally. Not easy for anyone to do. The sentence "Trust turns to suspicion." really got me. In our relationship, we started at suspicion and are still working towards "Trust". Because of what happened to him, he's waiting for me to screw him. (No pun intended) And, I carry on day by day, doing the same things I always do and holding back initial reactions until I see which direction things are taking. My beliefs are my beliefs and I stand behind them. They don't change at a moments notice. I make it a point not to lie to him, and this is true even when he's not happy with the conversational content. He doesn't have to believe in the same things I do. But, if asked, I can provide the rationale for what I believe in and why.
All relationships involve a certain balance.


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#209692 - 03/09/08 10:45 AM Re: now he says he lied about not remembering wedd [Re: AndyJB2005]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Brokenhearted,

I am broken hearted in reading your post. What a terrible thing to do to someone you supposedly love....and about your wedding day....the one day in a couple's life that should be SO meaningful!

I am glad to read though that you are now realizing how much of your life and your daughter's life has been given up or neglected because of your trying to help him.

Hats off to you in realizing that your needs and the needs of your daughter are every bit as important as his and that you are going to do something to see to it that they are met.

As a mother myself, I can tell you that you will never have any regrets.

Best wishes to you and stay strong.
Lou


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#209839 - 03/10/08 12:01 AM Re: now he says he lied about not remembering wedd [Re: Lou]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
All of you are so supportive. I almost cried when I saw all these responses to my disheartening post. Thank you for being there! Wow. I get more responses from you guys than my own H. Things are getting down to the wire a bit. I reminded him today that I do not want to go on married unless we continue w/ therapy in our new state we are relocating to. He said he'll have ABSOLUTELY NO MORE COUNSELING. I reminded him that that was a CONDITION of us staying together. He said, "well, if it's a dealbreaker, I guess that's what you want, it's your decision." What a weak, lousy reply. Why not fight for your family of 15+ yrs? I am standing strong on my condition. Sorry if I'm "pushy" on a survivor getting therapy but there it is. Even if we just get "marriage counseling," that's what I am asking, and I reminded him I don't want to be 10 yrs from now w/ a man who still can barely stand to look me in the eye. I reminded him I never see him feeling joy, only negativity and frustration and disappointment. And that ALL he ever talks about is HIS WORK. How his work is HIS LIFE, rather than, like most normal people, his work being his work, and his family being his life. I almost wonder if he doesn't have that attachment disorder. He is so insistent that I start working soon (we have a 5 yr old) that it is almost threatening, as if to say, "If you don't work soon, we're going to have some problems!" I told him that that is surprising, since he was raised by a single mom who was never there for him, and I told him it seems like he'd be super glad that I'm giving so much time to our child, like it might have been something HE would have wanted as a child. I said, "Didn't you at least wish your mom was around a little more?" He said, "No, I didn't miss her." Wow. So here I am, totally not needed by him as well. Sorry but I want to count for somebody.

I'm remaining strong. I feel strength when I stand up to him for my beliefs. Even though I don't have a degree and have never even lived on my own and have no idea how to support myself and a child. But I have strength that is coming from somewhere, and I know for sure God is w/ me when I stand up to him. Because normally I'm a pretty timid, fearful person in life, yet I do have a strong faith in God. I do not want to compromise on this b/c I know life is short and I want more out of life w/ a H. If he only knew that what I want is in HIS best interest as well.

Have no idea what will happen. I'm upset that he renigged on our previous agreement to continue counseling. I'm livid that he apparently would give up his family rather than join me in counseling or even go by himself. What man would give up so much so easily?

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#209841 - 03/10/08 12:17 AM Re: now he says he lied about not remembering wedd [Re: Brokenhearted]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Broken I saw something in another post a long time ago that might be helpful, might not but thought I would pass it along.
Ok now don't laugh.
Try thinking of him as a little kid. Cause in a sense he is. If your kid is being stubborn and rebelious try this approach. Part of it is control thing. We do not like to be out of control so give him some. H we are going to therapy. Do you want therapist A or therapist B. Let him choose. Be firm in what you want. Just be sure he has a choice. This does two things. Gives him some control and since he made the choice makes him obligated to follow through.
Another thing you might try. Again don't laugh. Watch the Dog Whisperer and watch how he controls and subdues a dog that is fearful and hostile. Get some tips and relate them to control of your H.

I will get mail for this one I am sure. Good luck.


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