I did not begin to have memories until the third grade when we moved away from my father. Most of what I now know about those times were from family and repetitive dreams. What I remeber was my father's joy in always hiding so he could scare me. He even began to scare me out of sound sleeps. His physical punishments were violent. I was a very nervous jumpy child. I still have an exaggerated startle response. Sadly toast popping up can startle me.

As mentioned dreams have begun to make me aware that I was sexually abused. Of course the therapists I went to for depression would always want to discuss this with me. I knew I suffered other types of abuse but was not ready to accept this type of abuse could have happened. My two dreams I have frequently is of going with a grown man into a bathroom and giving him oral sex while he sat on the toilet and being held down and given oral sex long before I was able to enjoy or orgasm.

The dream about going into the bathroom with the man started in puberty. I had erotic dreams that I enjoyed but when I had the dream of oral sex in the bathroom I had crushing guilt afterwards. A totaly different emotional reaction. In the last year after having this dream many times I dreamt I was on the therapists couch and was asked if I thought the dream was a dream or a repressed memory. This shocked me awake instantly. One thing about this dream is that when I first had sex all the tastes and feelings from the dream were exactly how things were.

The other dream of being held down I have had over two dozen times and each time I learned something new. One of the last times I had it I finally realized that I was a small child and that is why I could not break loose. As the information from the dream progressed and I would try to open my eyes and see who was doing this to me fear caused me to wake up. I still can not open my eyes.

Even though I can not remember exactly what happened it helps me understand the path my life has taken. The abuse locked me into a victim state. I was bullied through school and by others who knew me. I remember thinking if all these people dislike me can so many be wrong.

Being a vicitm when returning home from college I met a man who at first seemed nice. It was the fall of 79 and we had some fun. It was not long before he was becoming aggressive. Having been abused by people I did not think much of it at first. When I began to be concerned and tried to end things he began to use threats. When I returned home I lived with my mother and made the mistake of taking him home. He began to use threats against her to keep me in line. I had sex many times with him when I did not want sex. Then in 89 he called me one night to tell me he was depressed and needed someone to talk to. I got in my car and drove over there and was surprised he was happy. He said it meant a lot that I came over. We sat on the couch and he bent over to tie his shoe, so I thought, and pulled out a revolver from under the couch and raped me at gunpoint. Things went down hill from there and I was so afraid that I went along with anything.

By 97 I was afraid I was going to lose myself. I met with my sisters individually because I was concerned for my mental health and was also concerned I might have to take the gun away from him to save myself. He must have noticed a change in me because he would stop using threats and tolerate my no's. He phone harrassed me for five more years until 6/02.

I am now trying to have a relationship and so many issues pop up that I doubt I will be succesful. I still need to learn to set boundaries and I find it easier to stay home as much as possible.