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#209690 - 03/09/08 10:41 AM Re: Feeling like a freak [Re: EGL]
imbroken Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/19/08
Posts: 40
Loc: NJ
My abuse came as an adult, so I still have decent memories of my life prior to the attack, however I feel like a freak as well in many situations. When guys at work or wherever talk about women I feel awkward. I feel like I have to toss in an obligatory comment about women, but I feel very strange. After the attack I felt asexual. I had no interest whatsoever. After some time, my questioning of my sexuality pushed me to become sexual again. I didn't know how to react or be sexual. Sex with my wife was awkward. What did I do? The only thing a male with a sexual identity crisis could do. I went to stripclubs. I figured that I would prove I was straight and become sexual by going to stripclubs. All guys in stripclubs are manly men I thought. I was so wrong. I have since stopped going. I realize that going to stripclubs do not make me a man. Far from it, however I still feel awkward when talking about sex. I constantly feel like I need to prove that I am sexual. For some reason I see it the same thing as being a man. Maybe thats why I had the affair. One time didn't make the thoughts of me not being a man go away. I constantly had these thoughts in my head that I wasn't sexual. It was addictive. I always felt worse after I met this woman. I kept needing to reassure myself and prove I was still a man. I would compare it to being addicted to drugs. It felt right as I was doing, however afterwards it left me needing to do more because I felt like a vapid hole and worse than when I started.

The way I view sex is not the same as everyone else. I am constantly reminded that I am a freakshow. I hope it gets better.


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#211375 - 03/17/08 11:57 PM Re: Feeling like a freak [Re: imbroken]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1960
I just found this thread, and really wanted to comment; it is making my eyes tear up a bit.

I hate the thought of 'when or how did you lose your virginity'. I don't want to get graphic here, so I won't say much. But I certainly don't like the fact that sex happened for me the way it did. I have had such a hard time with this one for a long time. To say one feels like a freak or an outsider is an understatement. But I am very glad you brought it up, and that I found this thread because it helps to know I am not alone in these feelings.

Eric


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#211400 - 03/18/08 05:02 AM Re: Feeling like a freak [Re: dannym]
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
i have faced that. i guess i consider losing my virginity is the first time i had sex knowing and chosing to do so. that other wasnt sex, it was me being used by some guy for his kicks. i was a sex toy that time. no, i lost my virginity much later, but i understand how uncomfortable that is.

it is like sitting around and everyone starts talking anything sexual, like they might say, i dont understand how a guy can be with another guy. you think to yourself, i have been, i know what it is like, but you dont say it. you are ashamed that you know those things. besides who wants to spoil and fun conversation among friends by throwing a big serious wet blanket on it? instead, you just smile and go along with it. i think that's okay though. you are being considerate of the others. that should be a good thing i think.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#211536 - 03/18/08 06:27 PM Re: Feeling like a freak [Re: dannym]
mack Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/07/07
Posts: 101
Loc: new mexico
Your experience with your friends is the exact reason I no longer have close friends. I have acquaintances that I can relate to on only the most superficial level.
I have never told anyone the whole story of my csa, but have noticed that in years past when I tried to tell a 'friend', it wasn't long before that person rejected me.
It is unfortunate that we tend to feel 'dirty' at times but I do applaud anyone who can maintain freindships even though at times it feels like we are on the outside looking in.
Sorry, I'm rambling. Maybe you can make some sense of this.

_________________________
mack

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#211538 - 03/18/08 06:52 PM Re: Feeling like a freak [Re: mack]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
It seems such an easy leap for survivors to go from my friend rejected me to all people will reject me. Rationally we know that is not true but we are so sensitive to rejection that it seems such an easy leap.
I thought that for a long time but I found the opposite to be true. When you find good people they accept you. Sure there are exceptions but just because I went to Safeway and my apple was bad and had worms I am not going to quit buying fruit everywhere. It also doesn't mean the corn flakes are bad either. But deep in side is a little kid whose only dad/mom/brother/uncle/neighbor/______fill in the blank... hurt them badly in their childs view of the world. All ____fill in the blank.... are bad and will hurt us. Ask me how I know that one.

Honestly I understand and it did take some trial and error and a few years to get over that knee jerk reaction but I eventually did and I have FRIENDS now. And you know what. I value and cherish those friendships because to me they seem so rare.
I hope you all can get to that place also but know this.... you can start with me :-)

Honest.

Really,

uh huh,

Cross my heart.



Edited by Freedom49 (03/18/08 06:55 PM)

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