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#209510 - 03/08/08 08:03 AM Feeling like a freak
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Not long ago, I was at a dinner party. There were three couples there, my wife and I, and two other couples we have known for 15 years. Our kids are close in age, and when they were young, we hung out together all the time. As our kids have grown, schedules and committments mean we can only get together every few months or so.

All of these wonderful people know about my CSA. All of these people were there for me in the depths of my alcoholism, and gave me support as I recovered from that. All these people I love very, very deeply.

But I feel like a freak with them sometimes. These are some of my closest friends.... this is my wife... but when I sit there, talking, laughing, and enjoying myself... a constant feeling of unease is just below the surface - dampening my ability to truly "be" one of them.

The last time we were together, we started talking about teen sex, since our kids are now at that age... the oldest are freshmen in high school, and the youngest is in middle school. We were talking about fears and strategies and what we were telling our kids, what kind of messages we wanted them to hear, etc. One friend said, "When did you lose your virginity?".

Everyone jumped in with their stories.... except me. I just wanted to crawl in a hole.

The mood was light and fun and reminiscent, but my mind kept wanting to say "Well, the first time I blew a guy, I was six, and he also taught me about hand jobs... but I didn't have anal intercourse until I was an old timer of 8"

I just sat there - like I was in the same room, but there was this huge chasm between me and all of them.... they were a group of happy people, and I was looking on like the ugly, uncoordinated kid wishing he could join in the game. I started to feel like I was covered in a filthy slime - and if one of them looked over at me, they would recoil in horror.

I realize that although I am constantly surrounded by people, and I love to be in the fun, I can never REALLY be a part.

That makes me sad

Dan


_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#209522 - 03/08/08 09:55 AM Re: Feeling like a freak *DELETED* [Re: dannym]
awakening Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 342
Post deleted by awakening


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#209540 - 03/08/08 10:52 AM Re: Feeling like a freak [Re: awakening]
BMF Offline


Registered: 01/27/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Toronto
Dan,

I really feel for you. I've experienced the same feeling of not being "normal" many times, and have been faced with the same questions. I still find it difficult to separate what sex is and what my abuse was. I was also very young, and my abuser was my own father. Great dinner-time conversation. When I first had sex with a girl in my early teens, I skipped all of the innocent discovery process (which had previously been stolen from me), and went straight for intercourse. I feel like I never HAD my virginity.

I think it's important to keep in mind that everybody is broken in one way or another, and that the divide between "us and them" isn't as black and white as we often feel it is. Obviously with respect to some things like "sex", the chasm is large, but not for everything. With the abuse happening so young, and it being something so invasive and personal, it really feeds the all or none-ness, and makes us feel like freaks. We aren't freaks, we never asked for this.

BMF

_________________________
If a man's character is to be abused, say what you will, there's nobody like a relation to do the business.
- William Makepeace Thackery

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#209545 - 03/08/08 11:04 AM Re: Feeling like a freak [Re: dannym]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Dan,
Thanks for the post it really brought back some memories for me when I'm around other people. Even in AA where I was around friends with a common problem I still felt out of place esp. when it came to sexual talk. I probably will never feel comfortable talking about sexual issues with others. Its just the way it is right now.
Maybe that will change as time goes on.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#209547 - 03/08/08 11:13 AM Re: Feeling like a freak [Re: BMF]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Thanks Dan, Dan and Gregory for bringing up a real sore spot for me. I was in a men's group at church last monday night and the topic of the meeting was How God designed sex, what it is for and what happens when it is perverted. Nice topic, except that I got triggered so bad I started makeing comments. They were funny and in another setting maybe ok but totally inappropriate there. Talk about feeling like a FREAK. They know about my CSA and may have made allowances because they knew I was very uncomfortable. When the speaker on the video got to the part about what happens when a child is abused/molested at a young age I lost it completely and broke down crying. I had to leave for a few minutes. Everyone else was sitting there quietly listening and I have tears rolling down my face and I am racked with sobs at the thought of my loss.
When I get back to the room the facilitator turns and says obviously this affected you Roger how about telling us what your feeling. What I heard or what little Roger heard was "your really freaked out Roger why don't you tell us why". I don't remember much of the rest of the evening because my dissociation took over and I got worse with my humor to decrease the tension. The facilitator called me last thursday night to ask me to please not make humorous off color comments that are inappropirate for the group. All I could say was I am sorry and it will not happen again.
Feeling like a freak. Oh yeah!!! I get that. Lets face it I am a freak. I plan on making an apology to the group next monday. God this is hard. I just want it to be over. I want to fade into the wood work. I am the poster child for freaky sexual disfunction.

Anyway good post Dan, hit a nerve with me.



Edited by Freedom49 (03/08/08 11:16 AM)

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#209559 - 03/08/08 11:41 AM Re: Feeling like a freak [Re: Freedom49]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Originally Posted By: Freedom49
What I heard or what little Roger heard was "your really freaked out Roger why don't you tell us why".


Been there before Roger,
I was so twisted in my thought of sex and the shame from the abuse controlled many a conversation. I can remember one time at a party arguing that there had to be incest because Adam & Eve were the first so who had sex? Their kids must have had sex with each other and that we are all related. This went over like a fart in church.
Thats just one incident. At work the guys were talking about the new young girl and how they wanted to F%^& that stuff and so on went the conversation. I was quiet and left because I found it degrading. Is this what real men are like? With 3 of them and 1 of me I felt out of place. I make it a point not to go out for a smoke when they are there.
There were many more times when I acted different from the normal when it comes to sex. Sometimes I do feel like a freak.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#209565 - 03/08/08 12:09 PM Re: Feeling like a freak [Re: GateKPR4]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Dan,

Man, can I ever relate to this one. It's rough when all your sexual landmarks were with the abuser(s). I remember sitting with friends and guys would talk about masturbation and how was it the first time you came. All the other boys would be laughing and joking and I would want to just crawl off into a hole somewhere.

On the one about virginity I think there is a real answer for you, though. Sex with a willing and equal partner is not at all to be compared to the sex that comes with abuse, which is really about power and not sex in the first place. I think you would have every right to think of losing your virginity as something that happened with your first consensual partner. People who know about your abuse history would certainly agree, and as for others, it's none of their business.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#209574 - 03/08/08 12:31 PM Re: Feeling like a freak [Re: roadrunner]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I had a hard time with the issue of virginity too Dan. Not like I could ever tell my story at a dinner party. They might tell me how lucky I was

I've learned though that I didn't lose my virginity that night and I believe it now, so maybe I do have a story that would be acceptable, not that I could ever pull off telling it. But that's okay, it means more to my soul than it does to be able to have a conversation with others.

Gee, I thought that was a heavenly glow around you, not slime

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#209583 - 03/08/08 01:27 PM Re: Feeling like a freak [Re: mogigo]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Thanks, guys... so nice to have understanding \:\)

I agree that i KNOW abuse does not equal sex... but I don't BELIEVE it for me (yet! Thanks for the reminder, Mike - gotta work on that - I think I have a friend that can help me work on that - he has helped me so many times before ;\) ).

The problem isn't with sematics as much as it is in the associations I have to "normal" childhood experiences.

For example, earlier, I was reading the post about living the good life and I was just grinning ear to ear But then I read "Hide and seek" and got triggered. My first perp ( a teenager) helped me hide in a big neighborhood game, and that was where he abused me... on the side of my house, next to the fence, by a patch of Honey Suckle (that smell still triggers me). I guess I'm angry/discouraged that so mcuh of my childhood was tainted by my abuse - amusement parks, camping, movie theaters, basements... all those things have associations for me.

I'm healing enough that I don't dissociate when I'm triggered... and my anger is in check... but I still feel so alone among the "normal" people when we talk about childhood.

Thanks, Awakening, for reminding me about group.... I have all you wonderful guys that get it... I'm also in a CSA group weekly, and that is such a relaxing place to be.... its nice not to be able to shock anyone! \:\) \:\)

BMF - thanks for helping me remember that, even if I FEEL like a freak, I'm not - I'm a survivor and making great strides in becoming the whole person I deserve to be!

love ya tons - I AM staying strong!

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#209586 - 03/08/08 02:10 PM Re: Feeling like a freak [Re: dannym]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Dan,

I understand about how associations with the past can be so triggering. I still live in the same, small town I have always lived in, so there are constant reminders everywhere.

I have a small mens breakfast study group that I go to on Friday mornings at my church. There are 8 of us in the group, but I still feel like the "freak" among them, because of my past abuse experience, which I have shared with them. As I've said on the MS board here before, I feel like the 3 headed dog there, like I am going to say something about the past that will make them view me in such a vile, repulsive manner or like I am the total sideshow circus freak. But they never have been like that, they are always understanding. So I think a lot of our fears of being the "freak" in the view of others is really unfounded. Sure, there are going to be some who are just so dense that they don't "get it" when they hear our stories and they'll ask inappropriate questions ("Why didn't you tell anyone?") But on the whole, I think our fear of being a freak is just that - a fear, and not a reality. We are not freaks, never have been.

_________________________
Eddie

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