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#209509 - 03/08/08 08:03 AM Feeling like a freak
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Not long ago, I was at a dinner party. There were three couples there, my wife and I, and two other couples we have known for 15 years. Our kids are close in age, and when they were young, we hung out together all the time. As our kids have grown, schedules and committments mean we can only get together every few months or so.

All of these wonderful people know about my CSA. All of these people were there for me in the depths of my alcoholism, and gave me support as I recovered from that. All these people I love very, very deeply.

But I feel like a freak with them sometimes. These are some of my closest friends.... this is my wife... but when I sit there, talking, laughing, and enjoying myself... a constant feeling of unease is just below the surface - dampening my ability to truly "be" one of them.

The last time we were together, we started talking about teen sex, since our kids are now at that age... the oldest are freshmen in high school, and the youngest is in middle school. We were talking about fears and strategies and what we were telling our kids, what kind of messages we wanted them to hear, etc. One friend said, "When did you lose your virginity?".

Everyone jumped in with their stories.... except me. I just wanted to crawl in a hole.

The mood was light and fun and reminiscent, but my mind kept wanting to say "Well, the first time I blew a guy, I was six, and he also taught me about hand jobs... but I didn't have anal intercourse until I was an old timer of 8"

I just sat there - like I was in the same room, but there was this huge chasm between me and all of them.... they were a group of happy people, and I was looking on like the ugly, uncoordinated kid wishing he could join in the game. I started to feel like I was covered in a filthy slime - and if one of them looked over at me, they would recoil in horror.

I realize that although I am constantly surrounded by people, and I love to in the fun, I can never REALLY be a part.

That makes me sad

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#209636 - 03/08/08 09:23 PM Re: Feeling like a freak [Re: dannym]
Dale English Offline
Newsletter Founder/Producer
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 448
Loc: PA
Hi Dan,

Boy can I remember those days. It was the shame I was feeling that kept me from offering my own two cents that would have great if I only believed in myself then. I didn't realize yet that I could talk about abuse and the steps that every parent needs to know and practice talking about so they'll be able to speak convincingly to their children when the time comes from what I've learned about my own abuse experiences.

I know how I used to freeze up because I felt like the others could see right through me and that made me feel terrible. Try talking about what you know about the subject without telling your own story. If they ask how you are such a knowledgeable person on the subject, you can say "It's personal" and most people will drop it. With practice you'll get to be ok with what you learn about it. Telling your story is something altogether different and not something to be rushed.

All I can say is that this too will get better the more you talk about it. Thank goodness we have this site to get the practice we need in a safe place.

All the best.

Taz


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#209688 - 03/09/08 10:28 AM Re: Feeling like a freak [Re: Dale English]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Dan,

You are not a freak to feel like you did. These are true feelings that you had. And these feelings are real for you. In my healing journey I know how the bad feelings, the sad feelings hurt my insides. I end up feeling so guilty for how I feel. I feel guilty for my emotions when triggers happen. I feel guilty for having to excuse myself from a conversation, to head for the bathroom or to a corner of a room to cry and wipe my tears and get my composure back. I feel guilty that my GF has to try to explain to others in company why Ken left in such a hurry.

But, I realy have to look at the situation as another healing process that we are going through. I know at times I would like to just shout out in ire and anger how I feel. But I am using my coping skills to make the best out of a bad situation. I know it is easier said than done. But I know I/we can do it.
I have to remind myself everyday that I Am A Survivor.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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