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#209206 - 03/06/08 08:02 PM Therapy tomorrow/I don't want to go!
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
I just feel like crap today. I don't want to deal with this CSA crap. I am tired of it, I am worn out constantly trying to do the right thing. I just want things to be like they were, my life and all my surroundings. My self-esteem and self-worth is shattered. My life is a mess, all parts of it, home, work and social.

I allready know what my T is going to say, "you can't change the past, you must deal with the present and the future" OH, yea, he is right, but I just don't want to hear it.

My life sure was easier before I disclosed my SA and started dealing with it. Now I have to deal with the constant nightmares and the constant thoughts and feelings.

I feel like running and hiding. Well today is history, we'll see what fun and games tomorrow brings.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#209210 - 03/06/08 08:30 PM Re: Therapy tomorrow/I don't want to go! [Re: KENKEN]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Hey Ken. I can't speak for everyone here, but I know I have felt the same type of feelings sooo many times. If I could only go back and undo disclosure.... If only I could get this out of my mind for just a short time... if only!

I can only offer that as many times as I have felt these feelings, I have also had feelings of strength and resolve that I am moving toward a better, more complete me - without secrets and lies - but I have to admit, this past year has been both the most wonderful and most horrid of my life this far.

I am sending my good thoughts to you, my friend.

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#209211 - 03/06/08 08:33 PM Re: Therapy tomorrow/I don't want to go! [Re: dannym]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Ken,

There are many of us that feel that way - from what I've been told, a LOT more than you might guess. Even me, with my almost total lack of memories - this past week I have SERIOUSLY wished I had never started down this road.

But I did. And it was the right thing. And I think it was the right thing for you too.

We're here for you, Ken. And with you.

M

PS - any chance your feelings have something to do with uncertainty over the upcoming WoR?


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#209216 - 03/06/08 08:55 PM Re: Therapy tomorrow/I don't want to go! [Re: MarkK]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
i was thinking the same thing today------------------things seemed better for me when i was drunk all of the time-------------before this healing thing------------------


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#209262 - 03/07/08 02:54 AM Re: Therapy tomorrow/I don't want to go! [Re: sabata]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Hang in there Ken. Life seems like a roller coaster and your on the down part of the track. Just stay close and let us be there for you.

B


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#209276 - 03/07/08 09:16 AM Re: Therapy tomorrow/I don't want to go! [Re: Barney]
VLinvictus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
I second what Barney said. Life is a roller coaster, an unpredictable one. Sometimes we're going up, sometimes were going down, sometimes we're just coasting along even.

You sound like you're down in a trough right now, and I know that it sucks. But the good thing is that these times come to and end -- one you get to the bottom the only way to go is back up.

So, embrace your feelings. Accept that you feel lousy and don't want to do any more work -- and make sure you share that with the T. It is easier to numb feelings and suppress it, but if we don't condition ourselves to not feeling anything at all we miss out on actually feeling happy.

If, however, we accept it when we feel like shit but acknowledge that its not going to be permanent -- "this too shall pass" and all that -- we could look at the going down into the troughs as the necessary precursor to the peaks -- on a roller coaster, you need to build up momentum by going down in order to get up.

Dan

_________________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde

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#209288 - 03/07/08 10:55 AM Re: Therapy tomorrow/I don't want to go! [Re: VLinvictus]
Minute2Minute Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/08
Posts: 67
Loc: MB, Canada
Hey Ken,
I hear you and know exactly how you feel. For a time I stopped journaling, I stopped talking, I stopped wanting to look at anything. Two things I have to remind myself of: 1) life before disclosure was NOT better (I functioned but was essentially dead inside, which ultimately lead to me asking for help), and; 2) getting sick and tired of dealing with this is actually a GOOD sign - it means that I'm starting to realize that I am not getting any benefit from continuing to focus on a past that I have no control over. I'm not sure how to move on entirely from it, but that is something that I will learn how to do. I will get frustrated, I will get in deep funks, I will want to avoid dealing with anything and it's okay. It means I'm human. It means I have feelings. It means that somewhere inside I know that I have a right and reason to FEEL. Slowly, things are getting better. Minute to minute for the most part. Sometimes hour to hour. It's okay to feel like "turning it all off" and going back to the way things were. But, in the end, how things "were" is what brought you to the realization that you needed to deal with all this stuff now. By feeling, thinking, remembering and talking about it all, you are actually living in today. It might make today seem like the shits, but it will help you stop living in yesterday so tomorrow can be better.

Take care of you,
SCOTT


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#209346 - 03/07/08 04:52 PM Re: Therapy tomorrow/I don't want to go! [Re: Minute2Minute]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
So Ken,

Did you go and how are you feeling today?

~Brian

_________________________
I farted so huge, my ass exploded. There was poo everywhere and it got into the fan too. What a fucking mess.

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#209406 - 03/07/08 10:19 PM Re: Therapy tomorrow/I don't want to go! [Re: frost]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
UPDATE,

First, thanks for the kind words. Sometimes I don't know I would get through the tough times w/out the help here on MS.

I did get to therapy this afternoon. I was feeling somewhat better than last night. My T. is by far my very best friend I have. Best friend meaning I feel I can trust him. He tells me like it is, not what I want to hear.

It was a tough session as I had to read my letter to my Inner Child. I am getting to know my "little Guy" more and more each day. Some of the good stuff is resurfacing which is so awesome. Of course you all know the bad shit. But I did break down and cry. But it was good, I needed to do that

Then we talked about my self forgiveness. Seems I am having a major hard time forgiving myself. Control issues also. Therapist says that I am in control of my life. I think that my perp. is still in control. So need to focus on this revelation.

I have also work to do for the upcoming WoR. My T wants to see me and help me get all I can out of the weekend retreat. Of course beside all of this I still have to maintain my relationship with my GF and also work everyday.

This is life for all of us. I know we all are dealing with the same shit everyday. Some days though sure get me down and out.

Guys, have a good night and thanx again.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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