Newest Members
Green_Lantern, Safe11ride, WillWins, neophiliac, Jerone
12118 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
archie chisholm (61), Carlos418 (37), courtney (52), kurotake (55), lostsoul (63), Lukesgirl (28), michael banks (2014), Steffon (42)
Who's Online
5 registered (Cam76, susie, 3 invisible), 57 Guests and 6 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12118 Members
73 Forums
62512 Topics
438095 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6 >
Topic Options
#209392 - 03/07/08 09:04 PM Trying
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
On Monday I am off again to the States, this time for my parents' 60th wedding anniversary and the 70th birthday party of the professor who probably saved my life in college. And although usually my wife and two kids (both in college now) usually can't join me when I travel, this time they will. So it will be a happy and fun experience and I'm looking forward to it.

Just this evening my son and I were talking to my mother on the phone and she asked the question, "Will you want to go to church on Easter Sunday?" Before I could say anything my son said, "Sure Grandma, that would be cool." So there we are. My wife and daughter will not yet have arrived by then, so it looks like my parents and my son and I will go off to church.

This will be the first time I have tried to do this since I started dealing with my abuse issues and it won't be easy for me. The abuser was a deacon in our church, and since he had a set of keys there wasn't any place in the church where I couldn't be hurt, no place where I could be safe out of sight of my parents. I still sometimes feel ashamed of what happened there, and I remember hating to see our church's big picture of Jesus surrounded by laughing playing kids. They were all safe - what about me? I felt so screwed. After all, if God is against you where else is there to turn for help?

I know it will be difficult walking into the church on Easter Sunday, even though I remember the atmosphere on that day always being very joyous and positive. I have made so much progress in my recovery and feel "put back together" in so many ways. But not in this way. Little Larry is still so full of shame for what happened in the church, even though Big Larry keeps trying to tell him it can't possibly be the child's fault.

But this isn't something I am doing to mollify my elderly mother on Easter. I want to go. And my son wants to go and I want to be there with him. And on top of that I feel like I am "trying", but I don't know what I am trying to do.

So ... it took me awhile to get around to finishing this post, because I knew how it would end and I feel so awkward doing this. Little Larry remembers how none of his prayers for it to stop were ever answered, so he thinks it's crazy for Big Larry to ask for prayers for anything, especially not for himself. But if anyone is up to such a thing I could use a prayer or two on Easter Sunday.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#209393 - 03/07/08 09:09 PM Re: Trying [Re: roadrunner]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Larry,

Consider it done. For that matter - I bet there will be some even before Easter.

M


Top
#209410 - 03/07/08 10:41 PM Re: Trying [Re: MarkK]
Pete2004 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/04
Posts: 958
Loc: North Carolina
Larry:

I know this is a big step for you and that there are still a lot of questions festering as to why.... Going back is bound to be awkward. I'll be praying for wisdom and strength as well as understanding for you my friend.

Take care of yourself,

Peter

_________________________
There is a destiny that makes us brothers;
No one goes his way alone;
What we send into the lives of others,
comes back into our own. (Edwin Markham)

Top
#209411 - 03/07/08 10:49 PM Re: Trying [Re: roadrunner]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Larry,
This will be tough but you are an adult now. First thing to remember it is just a building. When you first walk in it will hit all of your senses, there will be sight, sounds, and smells that you have not experiences in a long time. Smell is one of the most powerful triggers for memory we have. I just want you to be safe and know we are with you in spirit.
Peace & Light

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_ô¿ô_m__
|| || || || || || |

Top
#209423 - 03/07/08 11:58 PM Re: Trying [Re: GateKPR4]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Larry,
It took me an awful long time to get comfortable in chruch after my parents died. My dad was the preacher, My mom played the piano and sang and taught sunday school. There are certain song and yes Ricky certain smells that just make me want to cry like a baby. I had to force my self to go a lot and missed a fair share and only my wife knew why. Easter, Christmas, and especially communion service are particularly painful. I will be offering prayers for the both of us.
All I can say is I know God was there. He cried with me in the corner. I don't understand why he didn't intervene. But I know he felt my pain. I plan on having a little chat with him when I die about certain things but in the meantime I will just have to trust that he knew what he was doing.


Top
#209424 - 03/07/08 11:59 PM Re: Trying [Re: GateKPR4]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 10948
Loc: Denver, CO
Larry,

You got it. I'm a big believer in prayer. And I know this is a big step for you.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#209433 - 03/08/08 12:26 AM Re: Trying [Re: roadrunner]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7819
Larry, my good friend....I've told you this before, but remember that you have many that pray for you often. It's not just your mother. \:\) You have nothing to be ashamed of, my friend. Nothing whatsoever. On the contrairy, you have much to be proud of in Little Larry. What a great, great kid.

Love you, man,
Eddie

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#209438 - 03/08/08 12:42 AM Re: Trying [Re: EGL]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Larry,

You have asked. I will be with you in spirit on that day. The thoughts and prayers of your friends will be with you as well.

Hugs,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

Top
#209706 - 03/09/08 12:25 PM Re: Trying [Re: WalkingSouth]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
Larry,

Big prayers for you - ever and ever.

I can't say how to react, just know you have others behind you
praying for you.

Mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#209724 - 03/09/08 03:17 PM Re: Trying [Re: markgreyblue]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Thanks to everyone who has read or replied or just thought about this for me. I had a talk with my Dad today. He says he will have a word with my Mom so she understands how huge this is for me, and if I have to get up and leave at any time during the service he will go with me and I won't be alone.

I mean, WTF? This is like being 10 all over again. But at the same time it feels really important. I remember how important having a church life was to me, and I miss it. I feel like I have a right to want it back, even if I don't know what I will get from it.

I don't mean I'm looking for some kind of saved-from-damnation scenario. A god who would punish a kid for things he never even understood isn't a god of much interest to me. But I look at good friends I have, and I see they have something I once had but lost. They talk about prayer and spiritual strength, and it feels like they are somewhere I would like to be but am not. Or rather, it resonates in me. I WAS there; I had it. But the abuser took it away from me.

I want it back.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
Page 1 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, SamV 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.