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#209336 - 03/07/08 03:24 PM Re: Bad day. I feel hopeless today. long rant. [Re: imbroken]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Broken, all you CAN do is let her vent. You say your sorry. You say it was your fault. You ask how can you fix it or make it up to her and then it is up to her. This is the worst betrayal you can do to a loving wife. It is possible to get over this and move through it but you are going to have to take the venting for a while. Women do not forget and do not forive something like this easily. Hang in there and give her some space. This is a really tough time for all concerned. My thoughts and prayers go with you guy. Your doing ok.


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#209342 - 03/07/08 04:35 PM Re: Bad day. I feel hopeless today. long rant. [Re: Freedom49]
imbroken Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/19/08
Posts: 40
Loc: NJ
thanks. I need to be told that sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing ok. I know better now, but sometimes I cant help feeling like I should have never said a word and wish that none of this came out.


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#209364 - 03/07/08 06:48 PM Re: Bad day. I feel hopeless today. long rant. [Re: imbroken]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Yes that is sometimes a bad thing to tell your wife. YOU feel better getting it off your chest but you dump a lot of CRAP in her lap and now she feels like shit. Sometimes it is better to just keep you mouth shut and take it to your grave. DON'T ask me how I know that one.


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#209372 - 03/07/08 07:16 PM Re: Bad day. I feel hopeless today. long rant. [Re: Freedom49]
Minute2Minute Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/08
Posts: 70
Loc: MB, Canada
Hey Im,
Don't feel hopeless. If it were truly hopeless, neither of you would be doing anything. Your wife has hurt and betrayal to deal with and she needs to get it out. Unfortunately, your actions were the cause of those feelings so it has to be directed at you. One thing my therapist said to me that I've been thinking about recently is about the difference between reasons and excuses. A reason implies a measure of accountability for actions taken. Yes, you made mistakes, but you had reasons for those mistakes that you are dealing with you can learn, grow and never repeat them. An excuse is just that - a way of saying it wasn't my fault so I don't have to do anything to change. After your attack you became someone else and self-treatment didn't work to change you back to what you were before. You learned from that and learned that how you were acting was not a reflection of who you are. You asked for help. Your wife is still supportive of you and still committed to healing your relationship otherwise she wouldn't be seeing a marriage counselor. It will take some time because healing doesn't happen overnight.

As for your own therapist, I second, third, fourth and fifth what has already been said that she is likely not the properly qualified person to deal with your issues. My current therapist is more of a relationship counselor and doesn't understand much of what I'm going through or dealing with. Unfortunately I don't have the option locally of finding anyone else. I hope you're not in that predicament. If you have the option available to you, find someone more experienced with male sexual trauma. If you can't, don't give up! Keep coming here. Here you are believed and understood.

Take care of you,
SCOTT


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#209374 - 03/07/08 07:21 PM Re: Bad day. I feel hopeless today. long rant. [Re: Minute2Minute]
Minute2Minute Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/08
Posts: 70
Loc: MB, Canada
Oh, and one more thing! After reading my post I just wanted to clarify that I am in NO WAY implying that the attack was your fault. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. You neither asked for it nor wanted it. The aftermath of the attack and it's impact on your life are horrible. It's the effect of the attack that is the reason for some of your behaviors/mistakes. It's the effect of what happened to you that you can change. That takes time. And you are working every minute to change. Stay strong. \:\)

SCOTT


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