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#209365 - 03/07/08 06:50 PM Myself, friendship and love
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1996
Loc: durham, north england
"pay the toll" my shaddow says,
as in the dark I stand and wait,
the cruel winds of this barren place,
blow cold before the iron gate.

Here shines neither moon nor star,
To cast a light upon the dust,
where neither warmth nor comfort are,
Just arid rocks and gasping rust.

"pay the toll" my shaddow sighs,
As lost before the gate I stand,
Yet through the iron bars my eyes,
Can see a twilit autumn land.

there blows a soft wood scented breeze,
sighing in the setting sun,
And from the boughs of ancient trees,
It plucks the leaves of red and brown.

"pay the toll" my shaddowmoans,
As I gaze with longing from the dark,
But I have only cold and stones,
No blood, no silver, no fire's spark.

then up the beaten forest path,
that at the gate of shaddow ends,
three travelers walk towards the dark,
and so I recognize my friends.

"they cannot pay the toll for you"
my shaddow says with mocking spite,
and in my heart I know it's true,
As I stand alone within the night.

Upon the walls beside the gate,
I see my friends stand tall and proud,
And in the silence of the shade,
I here their greetings ring out loud.

"to pass the gate you have to pay"
And in the dark my shaddow grins,
And I know there is no way,
I'll enter in and join my friends.

My friend the bard with harp in hand,
My friend the warrior strong and proud,
My friend the noble lady grand,
Each with a star bound on their brow.

"You must pay" my shaddowmocks,
As in the light my friends stil stand,
and despairing I fall to the rocks,
Of this light forsaken land.

My friend the bard begins to play,
And notes fly out into the void,
But on the cold and moaning gale,
each bright and glistening tone's destroyed.

My friend the warrior pours a fount,
of christal rain into the dust,
but in the thirsty gasping ground,
each precious drop is quickly lost.

My friend the noble lady throws,
A flood of gems into the night,
But in the darkness and the stones,
they quickly lose their life and light.

"through the gate's the only wayy,
and only you can pay that price,
this dark place will never change
It's a pointless sacrifice"

and as I hear my shaddows voice,
And watch the precious gifts that fall,
I realize I have a choice,
and there's a way to pay the toll.

I catch the falling gems and bend
them tight into a gleaming sheet,
from silver notes I make a pen,
with christal rain I start to paint.

A bard with harp in skillful hand,
a warrior standing strong and proud,
A noble lady fair and grand,
Each with a star bound on their brow.

I clasp their portrates in my hands,
the work that I have made for them,
And so I walk across the sands,
and so the toll is paid, for them!

Passing through the open gates,
I show my friends the work i've done,
They laugh to see the things I've made,
glowing brightly in the setting sun.

And so into the twilit lands,
And down the winding forest track,
i walk together with my friends,
the place of shaddows at my back.

Yet somewhere further down the trail,
I know that there's a gate of gold,
which I will come to without fail,
and once again, I'll need the toll.

beyond that gate will rise the sun,
And the sound of waves will sing,
down to the shore the waters run,
the flowers bloom in blissful spring.

but I will never enter there,
or hope to raise the needed price,
And she who lives in that bright land,
will attempt no sacrifice.

And so in twilight I will live,
though I will never see her face,
I'll comfort seak, and comfort give,
and this is not so bad a place.




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#209385 - 03/07/08 08:13 PM Re: Myself, friendship and love [Re: dark empathy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
DE,

Wow - what a cool poem! But you know what? My bet is that the bard, the warrior and the noble lady will get you through to that joyous place after all. No one needs to sacrifice for you; you already deserve it. You always have.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#209487 - 03/08/08 05:19 AM Re: Myself, friendship and love [Re: roadrunner]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1996
Loc: durham, north england
thanks larry.

that hole passage is to do with a very stupid desire I have involving something unthinkable happening with someone else, ---- "she who lives beyond the gate" to continue the metaphore. As I said though in the poem I'm not even certain she exists at all, and I'd be better just forgetting about that hole thing.

there's been bits of it in both my previous poems, sinse it's a fairly major thing for me, and what actually brought everything up in the first place.

My friends have certainly been kind enough to help me with my feelings about that side of things, but there's nothing to do about the central problem.

the important realization I wanted to articulate in this poem was about the first toll gate and the portrates, ---- which I've already rambled on about in the "Accepting friendship" topic.


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#210064 - 03/11/08 11:19 AM Re: Myself, friendship and love [Re: dark empathy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
DE,

I hope you will keep talking and keep writing about these problems then. It does help: not only in the comments you receive, but also just in the act of writing it all down. I couldn't tell you how many times it helped me to do this in my own recovery. Many times I would start a post and by the time I gotr to the end I already felt a lot better about it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#210069 - 03/11/08 11:33 AM Re: Myself, friendship and love *DELETED* [Re: dark empathy]
awakening Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 342
Post deleted by awakening


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#210229 - 03/12/08 05:25 AM Re: Myself, friendship and love [Re: awakening]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1996
Loc: durham, north england
Well Awakening, it's really kind of you to say such things. i can't say how good any of this is, ---- in style I think I was rather badly ripping off tolkeen's poetry quite a lot. the best I can say is that it's good for me, which i know is really selfish but I won't start down that road again this morning.

It was actually the realization that I could set down thoughts here perminantly and thus work through them which was one of the things that really drew me back to this site Larry, and it's something I've been finding really helpful on my various bad days, ---- like yesterday.

yesterday, this central problem was causing me so much trouble that I wrote a very long and highly dysmal post about it in the friends and family forum which helped a lot.


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#210235 - 03/12/08 07:42 AM Re: Myself, friendship and love [Re: dark empathy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
DE,

I'm really glad you see things this way. It's all part of the attitude that recovery is all about. On bad days our old instinct is just to withdraw and shut up. But as survivors we know we have both the right and the power to ask for what we need and talk about our problems.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#210243 - 03/12/08 08:00 AM Re: Myself, friendship and love [Re: roadrunner]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1996
Loc: durham, north england
Well,asking for help for me is something incredibly hard, as is expecting it. This is partly due to my self worth business, and partly due to being a Vi person and thus having several hang ups about independence (it's the only subject I really get into blazing arguements with my family over).

this site, and with my T are about the only times I feelI can ask for help and be selfish, sinse I know that people here will fully empathise with me on this one, and also being a website where you have to write a response, people wouldn't respond, ---- or even read my posts, unless they wanted to, it's not like talking to my friends where they are such nice people, they would not just tell me to go if they didn't wish to speak to or deal with me at that point.

I don't want this to sound arrogant, but another thing that really troubled me when I first got to this site is that I saw a lot of people in pain, ---- and felt myself completely powerless to do anything about it, which really bothered me.

I now realize though, that I'm not going to be able to help anyone else until I've gone some way down the path myself.

Your friend, Luke.



Edited by dark empathy (03/12/08 08:02 AM)

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