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#209222 - 03/06/08 09:52 PM PLEASE HELP ME HELP HIM!!!
AnneWantsToHelp Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/06/08
Posts: 15
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU ALL!!!

For being a part of something so great!! I truly believe
it's amazing to allow this outlet for men in our society
that does not provide them a foundation to cope with the
pains of childhood/adult sexual abuse.

I also want you to know that in a matter of 3 minutes
of finding this site, you all have helped me is so many
ways. I only hope that you can further assist me by
shedding some light on my ordeal.

I am 34 years old and am in love with a man who was
molested by his aunt. I really want to help him even
though he hurts me. It's crazy how much he has hurt me.
But my heart won't abandon him even when he pushes me away.

We have recently broken up. He has shut down & is
secluded in his own mind. I've all but given up.
Honestly, I don't want him anymore. But he is a true
friend & wonderful person, who I really want to help.

Whenever he comes up for air & speaks to me again,
I want to be prepared.

I need to know how point him in the right direction so
that he takes the first step in getting help. Part of
me want's to send an email with a link to this particular
website. But I don't want to piss him off by intruding
in on his private pain by doing so. I would love to
know what some of you think.

Below you'll find our story. PLEASE READ ALL & maybe you'll
be able to give me some insight. My main questions are:

~Without warning, should I email him resources
& information on how to get help?

~Should I call and let him know that I truly
want to help & ask that he accepts my assistance?

~Should I wait for him to contact me & then spring it on him?

~Once we finally re-connect, what do you
think I should surely have prepared?

~Do any of you wish you had someone who
OFFERED assistance before you had to ask?

~Or would you rather be the 1st to ask
for help before assistance is OFFERED?

~Am I even making sense?

For those whose attention I've managed to grasp,
here's a better understanding of our story.

At 15 I met My Love who was 16. I will not go
crazy with details but I will say I loved him for so
many reasons. I thought he was beautiful, even though
he wasn't the cutest guy on the planet. I thought he
had a beautiful sensitive soul that was sweet in all
respects. What I loved the most, is the fact that I
felt so privileged by him, because I knew that I was
1 of the few people who were allowed to see this beautiful
side of him.

He was quiet, reserved, calm, yet had an outgoing
personality & was well liked by everyone. I was
loud, loud, loud & a whole lot of fun.

We had become so close that our subconscious minds worked
in tandem. Again, I will not go crazy with details.
Let's just say, we were in sync, emotionally, spiritually,
& subconsciously. This enhanced my love for him. A
few months into our relationship, he began to distance
himself. I couldn't understand why. Especially because
I was always considered the cool girl, who could hang with
guys without reminding them that I was a member of the enemy
female race. I never nagged or harassed him. I never
tried to control him - at least I didn't mean to (smile).
We had a great friendship/relationship so it didn't make
sense that he was cutting me off. He was my 1st boyfriend,
so I assumed this is just how boys are when they are in
love. WRONG!! I later realized this is how boys are who
have been abused or emotionally damaged.

Finally, he broke things off with me. Of course it hurt.
I was now 16 with the sexual maturity of a 10 year old.
Before him, I believed you could get pregnant from kissing.
Silly but true.

I went to an out of state college at 18, with my love for
him still in tow. I dated around to try & rid myself of
his memory. 3 years later, he called me just when I thought
I was over it. I loved that his love was still true just
as mine was for him. Then again, I was older and a little
more experienced. I knew bullsh!t when I saw it. And I
thought it was part bullsh!t that he came back to me.

We briefly got back together. And then he disappeared.
I keep saying that I don't want to get crazy with details,
but I have to take a second to explain what exactly
disappear means in our relationship. What I mean is, we
could be on the phone he say, "Hey I'm going to call you
right back". That turned into 3 years later.

After the 1st time he disappeared, I thought nothing of it.
I figured he was just full of shit & I was done with him.
Of course I wasn't. Of course I let him back into my life.
Of course he did it again & again & again. I on the other
hand loved him more & more & more.

Yes you could say that I was a complete idiot for giving
him chances. But 1 should understand, outside of the
disappearing acts, he was never abusive. We never argued.
We only had quiet disagreements. He treated me with the
utmost respect. He always treated me like a princess.
Not in a materialistic way. But he treated me like a
princess emotionally. In a world that teaches men never
to be sensitive, I loved that he was able to let his guard
down & be sensitive & so attentative towards me. But I
hated how he'd up & leave me without a trace. Without
even flinching. I thought something was wrong with me.
I thought he was a cold hearted bastard who treated me
this way because I had low self esteem. I could not be
any more far from the truth.

At 20 years old he told me he was molested by a babysitter.
That conversation lasted 2 minutes flat. We were watching
TV & a child pedophile episode was on Different Strokes
(please don't laugh). He said, "A babysitter did something
to me once". Just as calm and clear. I quickly swung
to face him & said "REALLY!!". He said "Yeah but it was
nothing". I said "Oh". He shrugged it off. I didn't ask
questions. He never mentioned it again. Neither did I.

I now believe my loud ass REALLY made him climb back into
the prison located in his mind. I was young & never heard
of a man/male being molested. I didn't know that he needed
to talk about it, just as girls that I've met needed to. I
didn't realize how much society DID NOT allow men in this position, to grieve appropriately. I didn't know that this
was what triggered his disappearing acts. I didn't know the
level of shame he carried day in and day out.

After going back & forth with each other for 7 years, he
disappeared for good. I called him when I didn't hear from
him in 5 days. His mom told me he went to NC. I asked when
would he be back. She told me she didn't know. I was
crushed. I was 26/27 & dead set on the fact the we were
going to get married soon. Several months later, I went
through a life threatening experience. I called him. Partly
for emotional support, but I still loved, needed & wanted him
so. His mom dropped a bomb; HE WAS MARRIED. Stunned, confused,
hurt, angry, numb. Till this day, I can never fully describe
the amount of pain I suffered over these words; HE'S MARRIED.

I had so many questions. No way to get answers.
I had no choice but to let it go.

I saw Antwoine Fisher. The scene where he was molested by
his foster aunt pierced my heart. For one, I'm a lover of
the purity children possess. Any harm to a child and any
pain inflicted on a child kills me. But I immediately thought
of "My Love" when I saw this scene. I knew then that this
was something deep in his heart that drove him to desert me
the way that he had done for years. Antwoine also pushed
away the love of a women he loved as well.

Some would say I was making an excuse to explain why "My Love"
hurt me so deeply. But I truly believed that there was more to
the babysitter story. I believe it drove him to treat me the
way that he did. I could never put my finger on it. But my
heart knew. I let go of the thought of being with him again.
But I would always think "What if I was able to help him?".

7 years past, he contacted me at classmates.com. I set in
like a hawk. I questioned why he married someone else. Why
this Why that Blah blah blah. He responded in slight. He
was in Germany with his wife who was stationed there & they
were getting a divorce. This enraged me. I felt like he was
using me as a last resort. F*CK! That. I cut off the email
nonsense, & thought of him no more.

6 months later, I had a complete emotional breakdown over
a guy I truly didn't care about. A friend pointed out that
I had a problem with letting men into my heart. She also
made me realize my heart still belonged to the past. I denied
it to the end. I didn't see what she was talking about. A
few nights later, I woke up in tears. Pillow soaked. I
couldn't even remember what I was dreaming about. But I did
think of "My Love".

I jumped online, paid for a full classmates.com membership &
then sent him the longest email in the world. I let him have
it. I made it clear that he inflicted a great deal of grief
in my life. Pain & suffering that I didn't deserve all came
from him; someone I trusted & adored. Why why why did he do
it? Why did I hate to admit I genuinely still loved him dearly.

He responded with an even longer email. He explained that he
was unhappy with his life. He hated himself. He thought I
deserved better. He thought I would realized he wasn't worth
loving, & then I would leave him. His love for me, made him
leave just to give me a better chance in life without him.

HUH?!?!? What type of crock of sh!t was he feeding me? For
the life of me, I couldn't figure out WHAT THE HELL HE WAS
TALKING ABOUT. I treated him like a King. My love for him
was true. On top of that we had a great F'n relationship.
WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD THE MUTUAL LOVE HE HAD FOR ME DRIVE
HIM AWAY???

After a year of emails, & chatting on the phone here &
there I learned to forgive him. I knew he still loved me.
He remembered the most intricate details from our
relationship. Down to the 1st time we made love. I DIDN'T
EVEN REMEMBER THAT MUCH.

I actually have the talent to block things out of
my mind; anything that hurts me. Good times spent
with him were no longer a memory. I completely
learned to block them out. Especially him.

He left Germany & visited NY before relocating down south
for a great new job he got. He wanted to take me to a
movie before he left. He was dying to see an adventure
flick. I on the other hand didn't. I also didn't want
to be rude. I went along with him, since this was our
1st movie in 8 years. While he was inside buying tix, I
was on the phone with an uncle. I complained that I wasn't
up for a silly movie. I wanted to check out a horror flick
"The Decent". My uncle advised me to either be honest, or
go along with the flow. When "My Love" stepped back outside,
I blurted out my not wanting to see an action flick. He
said "I know. I felt that you would rather like to see this".
The tickets he held up were for The Decent!!! This is what
I meant by how in sync we always had been; emotionally,
spiritually, & subconsciously in tuned.

This reminded me how much I loved him & how much he was meant
for me. I was stuck. I was instantly back in love with him.
COMPLETELY! I felt like "You only live once". I decided to
walk in the direction of My Love. He admitted to what he did
to me. He owned it & promised to never let me go or never
lose me again.

He explained how his wife, whom he loved, cheated, lied
& disrespected their holy matrimony. He would never speak
too bad of her. These words are my translation. It pissed
me off that he married this trash chick over me.

A year later the divorce was final. Throughout that
year, he consistently told me how he wanted to earn my
trust without rushing me into being to him. You may
not believe it, but I wouldn't allow any kissing or even
hand holding until the divorce was final. Even then it
took many more months for me to come around. Finally, we
decided to enter a mature & committed relationship.

Between Thanksgiving - Jan. 15th it has been amazing. He
had truly grown up to be a great man. At least in my eyes.
We had a long distance relationship. This was fine with me,
as it had been yyyeeeaarrs since I practiced being in a
meaningful relationship. This worked for him as well, since
he was just getting out of a divorce. We both agreed that
in time, we would combine our worlds & be together, resulting
in MARRIAGE.

We had subtle arguments. Nothing major. The biggest problem
was my trust factor. I trusted that he wouldn't cheat on me.
But I had this anxiety that he would soon leave me without a
trace. I would try to conceal it. Also, the jealously I had
towards his wife (a woman I never met) would jump out here &
there. But he claimed to understand my feelings & promised to
not allow it to divide our love.

He opened up to me in so many ways; including the story
behind the babysitter incident. Out of the blue he told
me how it was his father's youngest sister who baby-sat him
after school for a year (age 7-8). She was an teenager.
She systematically molested him repeatedly while he was in
her care. HE REALLY GAVE ME GRAPHIC DETAILS. I thought it
was a privilege that he came to trust me that much with this
sensitive information.

He explained how disgusting this made him feel. The
shame. The embarrassment. The pain. He didn't tell
anyone until now with me. He didn't do anything to stop
it. He didn't really understand how bad this was until
he was a teenager himself. And this is when the self-
destruction came in. He sold drugs, though he had options.
He got into fights & a lot of dangerous criminal activities.
All the while, he was MY BOYFRIEND. I didn't even know these
things. He hid this from me. He knew that if I knew of his
behavior I would leave him. He felt so guilt about it. And
when I got to close, he would run away. All the while
believing he was doing the right thing for me.

Wow wow wow. Molestation. Rape. Sexual Abuse. It all
made sense. The weird part is he doesn't believe people
should use this as an excuse to live a reckless life. He
also believes that he's gotten control over the power this
past abuse had on him. He realized why he married a reckless
women who was not to be trusted. He realized that he invited
bad things in his life because he didn't believe he was worth
any more then just that; bad things.

We talked a great while about this. I could tell he was
so relieved to tell somebody. ANYBODY. But I knew he felt
good about being able to tell me, especially. This made me
feel safe. He felt safe believing I was now able to understand
him. I believed that since he opened up in such a big way, he
really meant to stick it out & never leave me again.

I promised myself to bring it up periodically. So
that he could continue to release this pain.

The last time I saw him was in January, I noticed a
change. He became distant. I sensed that the molestation
was taking a hold of him. I could see him fighting through
it. I knew it was happening yet I did nothing to stop.
We were different together. I wanted to talk to him about
getting help. I wanted to ease it in instead of screaming
"STOP IT. YOU ARE WORTH MORE. & YOU DESERVE SOMEONE LIKE ME;
A GOOD PERSON WHO LOVES YOU. YOU DESERVE LOVE!!" All the
while, I was victim to his pain. It felt as though we both
were molested & shamed by this women. I felt that if I
pushed him on the issue, he would run away.

I said nothing.

I came home & for weeks he wouldn't return my calls.
I was so distraught I didn't take the molestation in
consideration. I hated him. I thought he was F'd up
for doing this to me. Especially after we began having
sex again. I was angry & hurt. I felt like a fool.
I couldn't believe he was doing the same sh!t again.
But how could I be so shocked when I should be used to this.

But I will never get used to be treated
this way. I also refuse to lose him.

Finally we spoke this past Sunday. Yeah...7 weeks later.
He said he didn't see a future with me. Even though he
loved me dearly, he just couldn't see it. I was shocked
to say the least. How could he not see it, if he's the 1
who put it in my head when I didn't see it. I felt betrayed,
deceived, thrown away like trash...need I say more.

I brought up his lack of confidence in his worth
to me. I also got around to the sexual abuse he
suffers in his mind. FINALLY HE ADMITTED TO BEING
A VICTIM WHO HASN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET PAST THE PAIN. A
pain so great that he hurts someone who loves him dearly.

I could go on, but I believe you all can
get a gist of what I'm talking about.

The end result, he doesn't want to completely keep me out of
his life. He wants to be friends. He promises to be there
for me if I EVER need him. He just can't be a good boyfriend
right now. I on the other hand told him I want him out of my
life FOREVER. But we all know that isn't true.

I care for him so much. Still I understand that I have to let
him go. But my heart fears for him. I'm afraid that his pain will 1 day get the best of him. Either he'll end up on drugs,
or physically abusing others, & maybe even himself.

I really want help him. If he doesn't except
my help, it would disappoint me. But at least my
heart could rest just a little more if I try.

Would anyone be able to help me help him.
I would be forever grateful.


Anne

PS - Has anyone ever posted a OPEN LETTER to those
who have suffured the doings by people who've been
rapes/molested? It would be a winner!!!

_________________________
Treat everyone you meet as if they were God in disguise.

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#209239 - 03/06/08 10:53 PM Re: PLEASE HELP ME HELP HIM!!! [Re: AnneWantsToHelp]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Holy cow Anne!
You had a lot to say. I can understand your deep love for him and your desire to help him. There are a lot of guys on this site that have been raped by women. I wil let them respond about that.
How can you help. I think it would be ok to email him with the link to this site and tell him to read some of the public posts and to join if he thinks he is ready for some help. We understand his pain. I am not surpirsed he told you about the baby sitter so nonchalantly. When we are hurt sexually we tend to shut our emotions off because we don't know how to handle them and they scare us. As we begin to deal with the abuse we begin to slowly open up and process all those scary feelings.
You can help by listening. I know it is your nature to talk a lot and be loud as you say but he is going to need some one to be there for him and just listen and love him. He may not want to talk about it for a while at first so don't push him or he will be just like a turtle and withdraw into his shell. Think of him that way. Try to gently draw him out and provide a safe environment for him to be himself in.
Next he needs to talk to a professional who deals in child sexual assualt/abuse. And just so you are prepared, he might not at first see some of it as abuse and my even feel it was his fault. You will be helpful if you can guide him to a good therapist and even to this site but be cautious of pushing him to fast. We heal at our own speed when we are comfortable and safe.
I want to say also how much I admire your love and concern for him he is one lucky guy to have you. Keep us informed on your progress with him and thank you for coming here to get help. I hope what I have said has helped. there is much more but I will let others chime in.


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#209249 - 03/07/08 12:17 AM Re: PLEASE HELP ME HELP HIM!!! [Re: Freedom49]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey, I need some time to process what you wrote okay.

Here's an open letter that was never sent by me. I promise I'll get back to you.

Letter to my Rapist

I canít believe you touched me, I canít believe you would find anything sexual about a skinny 90lb innocent happy little boy. I was so trusting, I was so naÔve and there is no way in hell you didnít know it. I always had a smile on my face and I was so eager to please everyone that I met. All I ever wanted was to make people laugh and to see them smile at me. You asked me to come and hang out with you and I felt so special, so wonderful that you wanted to be my friend. I just thought you wanted me to come over and make you laugh and I wanted nothing else in the world than to come and do that. I was so excited all day, I couldnít wait to get there. When I got there I had one of the best times of my life, I laughed and laughed all night with you and your friend.

And then I woke up in fucking hell, I was so fucking scared, I had no idea what was happening. I looked at you with pleading in my eyes for you to stop, the sensation was so intense I thought I was going to fucking explode. You knew how scared I was or you would not have told me that ďit was okay to enjoy itĒ, why the fuck did you not get off me and tell me how sorry you were. You didnít you fucking bitch, you got off me and told me what a piece of shit I was, I felt like such a piece of garbage, I was humiliated and you just ground it in with your words. I was so confused, I didnít know what I did to you that made you hate me, I didnít know why you wanted to hurt me so. I fucking hate you.

Who the fuck did you think you were, How fucking dare you lay your filthy fucking hands on me, you fucking filthy creature, you stole my whole fucking life and I fucking hate you.

Why did you do this to me?

Mike

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#209284 - 03/07/08 10:09 AM Re: PLEASE HELP ME HELP HIM!!! [Re: Freedom49]
AnneWantsToHelp Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/06/08
Posts: 15
Thank you Freedom49!!!
Yes!!! You have indeed helped me.

Everything you've said I've had in mind. It's just
good to get validation from someone who understands him.

He has guilt about not stopping his abuse.
It's sad that he feels that way. I try to make
him understand he was only 7 F*CKING YEARS OLD!!
How the hell would he have stopped it?

My biggest fear is pushing him away. But I'm just
realizing that he does want to talk to someone which
iss why he's begun to tell me things. I just don't
want to say the right WRONG THING or the wrong RIGHT
THING - if that makes sense. I'm a great listening &
have the knack to give good advice. But this is
beyond me. I'm not a therapist.

After reading quite a few posts, I've learned
how my good & bad actions have triggered him.
For instance, the last time I saw him, I was a
bit more open sexually. I wanted to show him that
I was coming around to trusting him by initiating
effection. I believe my advances conjured up
thoughts of his abuser's advances. WOW!! I just
never thought of that, until I read a few stories.

Also, he always asks if I've been molested. I have
by other kids not much older then I. I have my own
battle scars, but I've learned to cope differently.
I actually have a normal relationship with my abuser.
My situation is far from his. I feel guilty because
I haven't admitted it to him. I now believe that if
I admit that I've been abused, he'll trust me more.

Who knows what'll happen? I'm back & forth on the
best way to approach him. I just want it to be
right. I'm on the hunt for a therapist in his city
just to have it prepared.

I will keep you posted.

And to you Freedom49...you may know this already but
it may be good to lend some validation. I admire you
as well. You're a hug contributor to this site. I
hope you truly realize that your presence is gravely
needed. You are an inspiration. A voice that needs
to be heard...

_________________________
Treat everyone you meet as if they were God in disguise.

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#209286 - 03/07/08 10:18 AM Re: PLEASE HELP ME HELP HIM!!! [Re: mogigo]
AnneWantsToHelp Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/06/08
Posts: 15
Hi Mike - Thank you for your open letter.
It helps me understand such pain, even more.

I'm wondering if an Open Letter section is
much needed on this site. People can post
letters to neglecting parents, abusers, people
who turned a blind eye. Maybe survivors can
use an Open Letter section to ask loved ones
for help & or apologize to love ones they do
not mean to hurt so much. LIKE ME!!

I read my post this morning for the 1st
time after typing it. It has been much
more therapeutic than expected. I may
use it as an open letter to introduce
therapy to My Love.

I hope it has helped you to post this.
Please consider sending this to your abuser
or someone in your immediate circle.

I would cherish a letter like this from My Love.

_________________________
Treat everyone you meet as if they were God in disguise.

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#209333 - 03/07/08 02:38 PM Re: PLEASE HELP ME HELP HIM!!! [Re: AnneWantsToHelp]
LJA Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 35
Hi Anne,

I have typed and deleted and gone away to think for quite a while. I am second guessing the wisdom of me posting because I dont want to be a wet blanket and I'm in such an awful place with all of this right now.

But, as you see I have decided to post. My comments are about helping you though, not about helping your Love. This isn't because I dont think you should be trying to help him, I'll just leave those comments to the people here better able to make them than me.

I relate very much to your story in that my H and I had a wonderful, loving, respectful relationship for 22 years. We had problems with physical intimacy, but other aspects of our relationship were great. And above all, he never knowingly did anything to hurt me. I even had friends ask me how we stayed so close and happy together! We openly talked about problems due to his past, and had an understanding that he was working on things as fast as he could. He wasn't. He had a meltdown, had an affair and left me. Like you said, he threw me away.

I think up until he dumped me, I was making some seriously flawed assumptions about life and relationships. I thought if I was good, kind, loving, honest, fun, supportive, giving, smart, hardworking...etc. in the end, everything would be OK. I would be accepted, loved and maybe even treasured. I thought I could have emotional and physical intimacy one day.

That hasn't happened for me yet. I haven't given up though. My H came back and we are trying to work through all this shit. So, I'm not trying to preach doom and gloom. But I know things could have gone very differently for us. We came as close to failing as its possible to come, and for several weeks I was under the impression that we had failed. He left me for someone else and wasn't coming back.

It was then, that my fairy tale idea that 'if I was good enough we would win in the end' fell apart and I had to face reality. Nothing I could do would make him love me the way I needed. I certainly could have done an infinity of things that would have pushed him away, but him coming closer was his choice alone. He loves me more than anything else, and I had played the 'perfect game' for 22 years and I still lost. Thrown away.

So, dear Anne, I want you to know this sad sad reality. I am not telling you not to try, I, after all am still trying. I just want you to walk forward with this knowing it isn't fair at all. You can do all the right things and it still might not be enough.

So, this is where your needs come in. If you ignore yourself in order to be his Knight in shining armour, you may end up with nothing but but the knowledge that you tried. If i could do the last 23 years again I would make sure I looked after myself a lot better. Educating yourself about CSA will help, and I see that's what you are trying to do now. What about a therapist for you? This stuff really messes with your head, even if you are aware of the root cause. You have already suffered a lot of rejection, make sure you are healing as you move forward.
I wouldn't do this again with my H without some concrete evidence that he is moving with his recovery. I know that sounds harsh, but he kept telling me he was doing as much as he could before, and he wasn't. I dont judge what he's working on, or how he's doing it, or even how long this will all take. I know that's not for either of us to choose. But I do need to KNOW that things are moving forward.
And finally, what are your hopes and dreams that dont involve him? If you haven't already, start working on some of those AS WELL as helping him.
Don't let your life get swallowed up by this thing that ultimately, you have no control over. Make sure you are loving yourself as much as you love him.

Wishing you all the best.

Roger, I really want to second what Anne said about you being a hug contributer
on this site. You are very kind and I know your posts have helped both me and BMF.

Mike; thanks for posting your letter. It was really moving to read and I feel honoured that you shared it with us.

LJA


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#209337 - 03/07/08 03:28 PM Re: PLEASE HELP ME HELP HIM!!! [Re: LJA]
AnneWantsToHelp Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/06/08
Posts: 15
LJA - do you know your post was the 1st that I read?

I was instantly addicted. I thought, "Wow...that's
exactly how I feel". I was glad to learn that I'm
not over reacting, on several topics. You truly
understand how it feels when your love just isn't
enough. I hurts like hell!!! I bet you've wondered
why in the hell he married you in the 1st place.
I asked My Love, why in the hell did he fight
like hell with love & patience to get back in my
life?

Thank you for your advise. Even though my post is
a loud cry for help, I'd like you to know that I've
excepted the fact the I have lost him as a lover/future.
Still, I want him to seek help him. I believe he is so
close to overcoming his state of being paralized by
this pain. Either he takes heed in assistance or he
doesn't. He must decide.

As for me, I hope we all find a way to stop allowing
the crimes of others to shadow the good nature of us all.

THANK YOU AGAIN!!!!


-anne

_________________________
Treat everyone you meet as if they were God in disguise.

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#209353 - 03/07/08 05:44 PM Re: PLEASE HELP ME HELP HIM!!! [Re: AnneWantsToHelp]
evanescentjoy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/28/05
Posts: 46
Hi Anne,

Welcome on board! I am glad that you have found this warm and supportive place.

I can identify with almost everythiing you've written here, word for word. I am mulling over an answer to your post. Many, if not most, of us know all too intimately what you've experienced with the apparent Love of Your Life who, unfortunately, is also a survivor of CSA.

I have been in an ongoing situation similar to yours since 2002... I also experienced childhood CSA (although I am still hesitant to call it that) from my older brother, who is 6 years older than me, a CSA survivor, and is facing a possible prison sentence for sex offense.

What you describe, as well as the way you view your abuse (as not affecting you) is very similar to what I am experiencing. This is further emphasized by the fact that no one around me, other than a PsyD I have recently seen, seems to think it really matters, either.

I can not emphasize enough that, as someone pointed out in an earlier post, we have to learn to care for ourselves, first. This is something that is SO difficult to do, sometimes... But we cannot help those we love when we are drawing from depleted resources. The more you take care of yourself, the more you will be able to care for others.


Take care,
EJ

_________________________
"Become who you are." -Nietzsche

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#209356 - 03/07/08 06:01 PM Re: PLEASE HELP ME HELP HIM!!! [Re: AnneWantsToHelp]
Minute2Minute Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/08
Posts: 70
Loc: MB, Canada
Hi Anne,
While you may be gaining some insight into what his reasons for running away are or may be, an unfortunate truth that I have had to face as a survivor is that I am an adult NOW. I am no longer that child that couldn't defend himself or stop the abuse. I accept responsibility for my actions NOW. I had to realize the difference between my childhood abuse being and "excuse" and being a "reason" for some of my self-defeating behavior. A reason implies that I have the power, responsibility and accountability to correct it. An excuse is just that - something to say that what I have done is not my fault and I don't have to change anything. As with anything that requires a person to ask for help, they have to first realize that there is a problem that they can't deal with on their own. Yes, we're confused, hurt, scared, act-out in self-defeating or hurtful ways and we hate ourselves for it. But it doesn't, and cannot, excuse what we choose to do. We all want those things to stop - not only because we want to feel the much-deserved love for ourselves, but to stop hurting those who love us.

As for your love, he continues to abandon and hurt you in ways you don't deserve to be hurt. He will continue to do so as long as keeps running away. I think it is a good idea for you to send him a link to this site. Your unconditional love for him has to have limits in order for your sanity and self-esteem to stay intact. You cannot accept responsibility for his behavior. You can support him and walk beside him as he takes the healing journey. But, it is a journey that he has to be willing to take. My heart goes out to him for his suffering and what happened to him. My heart also goes out to you for having the strength and conviction to want to help him. Unfortunately, he needs to not only ask for help, but accept that you are impacted in different ways by what he going through. While it is difficult for many of us to empathize with what loved ones have to endure, we care enough about the well-being of those people to accept the help we need to allow ourselves to heal and become the people we deserve to be. If someone continues to do as they've always done, without asking for help and committing to becoming the person inside that they don't hate, then perhaps they are just an asshole. Sorry to say that, but it's something that I believe. I was an asshole - to my wife, to my friends, to my family. I did horrible things that made me hate myself more. They didn't deserve it and neither did I. I made huge mistakes. I asked for help so I could grow and heal and not make those same mistakes. If your love won't do that for you, then perhaps he is correct when he says you deserve better. Your idea of "better" would be a healthy, happy him. It won't happen if he won't accept your help and the help of those who care.

I apologize for rambling, and I hope I haven't derailed the thread. I just don't like seeing anyone put themselves in a situation when they are constantly going to be hurt and abandoned.

To answer your initial questions:
- Yes. I think you should send him at least a link to this site. Ask him to just look at it, read some of the posts, maybe offer him a membership so he can access the private area. Reading some of the posts from other survivors may help him get more comfortable about asking for professional help.
- I think a quick call wouldn't be a bad thing. Words on a page are interpreted by the reader and your intent may be lost. Just simply tell him that you are thinking of him, he's a great guy that deserves to feel good about himself, and that you have sent him the information for him to do with as he pleases when he feels comfortable enough to use it.
- Don't wait for him to contact you. Past experience has shown that you could be waiting an awful long time. YOU don't have to wait for him to start putting himself back together unless he actually wants to.
- Prepare yourself. I understand that you love him deeply, but if he will not stand beside you to get help, it's not your responsibility to stand beside him. If he is willing to get help and wants to heal, then be prepared for a rough ride for a while.
- When I first came forward with my abuse, it was time to ask for help. Many of us spent our lives hiding it. When we could no longer do that, we had to ask for help. In my case, nobody would have been able to offer the help I needed because I was already a master of making people believe I was okay. You can offer the help and resources he needs, but it is ultimately up to him to make use of them. Be prepared for the worst, but expect the best.

This is just my two cents. I guess in this case, it's more like a dollar fifty. It's just an opinion and maybe a few things to consider. It is definitely NOT advice because I am really not in any position to be giving advice (okay, I know it really sounds like advice, but please, take it with a BIG grain of salt). In the end, you really have to take care of you and do what's best for you.

Take care of you,
SCOTT


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#209370 - 03/07/08 07:06 PM Re: PLEASE HELP ME HELP HIM!!! [Re: evanescentjoy]
AnneWantsToHelp Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/06/08
Posts: 15
Hi EJ - Yes I do realize the importance of taking
care of myself. I am much more of a pistol then
1 may believe after reading my post. (smile).
I'm also human - It hurts to see anyone I love in
pain. Some people deserve to be offered assistance.

I am not 1 to ask for help. I did it here because
it is in a discrete manner. My Love has a problem
with asking for assistance as well. I have plenty
of friends like this. I almost lost 1 to suicide
& it made me realize that if I stand & watch someone's
pain without offering assistance, then I should not
claim the title of a friend.

We all know too well how much it hurts when someone
betrays you. If I don't offer a friend assistance when
I sense the need then I am going against my true nature
which is to help. Standing bye in idol mode would
betray myself. Does that make sense?

My mind is not as cloudy as his. Based on
what I've learned on this site, I now realized
the level of pain he is experiencing.

I only hope he realizes the level he can
overcome if he seeks help on his own.

THANKS!!! EJ for re-enforcing my courage to an approach.


-anne

_________________________
Treat everyone you meet as if they were God in disguise.

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#209373 - 03/07/08 07:16 PM Re: PLEASE HELP ME HELP HIM!!! [Re: Minute2Minute]
AnneWantsToHelp Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/06/08
Posts: 15
Scott - Thank you for it all!! Especially
the direct responses to my questions.

Asshole he is...true de>
_________________________
Treat everyone you meet as if they were God in disguise.

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