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#209029 - 03/05/08 07:58 PM Bad day. I feel hopeless today. long rant.
imbroken Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/19/08
Posts: 40
Loc: NJ
Hi all.

I have been speaking with my therapist regularly and overall it has helped. Have also met with a marriage counselor. I felt pretty upbeat that I was making some progress but I feel like I have taken a few steps back. First, I met with my wife and the marriage counselor on monday. That went well except the marriage counselor doesn't think I am strong enough to continue and wants to see my wife solo. I was pretty down because I really want my wife to understand what I went through and then maybe understand some of the bad choices I made. Maybe she can understand that I love her to death and am scared shitless of being without her. I feel like if we don't go to counseling together, then she will wake up soon and realize i am too screwed up to be with or even try.

After this meeting, my wife told me that she saw the attack as one event, and the eventual drugs, alcohol and affair as another distinct separate event. I tried explaining that I never cheated before and it wasn't me, but she thinks the affair and the attack are not related. This really knocked me down.

Last night at my solo therapy, my therapist continues to only want to talk about the affair and all the bullshit that happened along with it. I am so sick of talking about the affair. I tried talking about how depressed I was and how alone I felt, but she kept steering the conversation back to the affair. I tried talking about other stuff, but she was only interested in the affair. WTF???? I am so depressed. Do the details of when I saw this woman really matter??? Does it change anything if I saw her twice a week or if I bought her a present??????? Does it matter that this woman blackmailed me and threatened to tell my wife???? Does any of this change the fact that I hate myself and I am the biggest fucking loser in the world????? Does it change the fact of what I went through???? Does it change the fact that I have nightmares and have problems functioning like a normal human being????? I am almost sorry I said anything to her. I feel like she doesn't believe me. Maybe she thinks I am just some jerk who had an affair. I really wish I didn't exist. I am so sick of being me. I am so sick of waking up every morning and having to think these thoughts. I am sick of worrying about if my wife told anything to anyone. I am not sure whats worse... her telling everyone that I had an affair or people finding out I was attacked. In the first instance, I am a lecherous scumbag. In the second, I am a lecherous scumbag that is too much of a wimp to fight him off. I almost like knowing she has just told people about the affair. I hate my life. I just want to go away. I don't ever feel like I will get fixed.

Sorry for the rant. I don;t know what to do anymore. Part of me doesn't want to go back to this therapist anymore. I think I may go on a vacation by myself for a week. I want to just go away somewhere and be able to pretend that I am not some loser freakshow. To be able to go somewhere where no one thinks I'm a disgraceful loser.


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#209060 - 03/05/08 11:12 PM Re: Bad day. I feel hopeless today. long rant. [Re: imbroken]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Broken,
I can appreciate you pain here and I think most of it is coming from the fact that your not being believed. This is not unusual for survivor victims. The worst part of the whole thing is not that you were raped at knife point and scarred emotionally but that no one believes or believes how serious it has affected you. Granted you made some really bad choices after the incident but you didn't have any help after the incident to sort it all out and make sense of it in your mind. You were trying to treat yourself and we know how that went.
I have two concerns with you here. First you therapist is not treating the cause, He is treating the symptom. That will get you nowhere. You need someone who understands male rape pathology and who can treat the depression, and self blame issues first.
Second I am concerned that you are going to go off and attempt to try once again and treat your self. My thoughts are nothing good can come of this. I would suggest you stay with your wife. Let that marriage counselor treat her for her issues with betrayal and trust and you go find and competent male sexual abuse victim counselor. No knowing where your at you may have to do some leg work to find one but buddy it will be worth any amount of money to get your head back in the right place. Namely that it is not your fault. Nothing you could have done other than fight and leave your kid without a father. Your kid needs you even if you wife doesn't think she does. Yes your in a bad place but that kid is in a bad place now to and she loves her dad and needs him because she is to little to understand what is going on and guess what. If your not careful she will end up blaming her little self for her dads problems.

Yout a good man. Your a good dad. Fight your way back to that. You can do it. We can help. or is that home depot??


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#209064 - 03/06/08 12:13 AM Re: Bad day. I feel hopeless today. long rant. [Re: Freedom49]
grover Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/28/07
Posts: 50
Loc: Tennessee
Ditto Freedom. I think your counselor just doesn't get it. For your wife's perception sake, I wouldn't drop this one until I found a new one, but I'd do it FAST.

Hang in there bud,

You've got support here. You just need to get the right support there as well.

_________________________
Shocking revelations, we are all deeply effected.
-the Waitresses "Wise up"

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#209071 - 03/06/08 03:15 AM Re: Bad day. I feel hopeless today. long rant. [Re: grover]
copenbay Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi,

That's a big 'Ouch!' from me, not just your own story, but also the reaction of the therapist. Sometimes I feel like there are certain assumptions at play whenever it's a 'he said, she said' counseling situation. The first is the stupid expectation that you could've done more to get out of a horrible situation, and the second is that all the events are disconnected.
Okay, none of us is saying an affair is right. That's already a given. But really, doesn't someone even begin to think your marriage is worth saving? I can tell you do, even if she and the therapist don't seem to think so.
Here's the deal: I'd rather move past simple right and wrong, especially since you are a worthwhile human being. Yes, you've made some bad choices. So have a lot of people. Are my bad choices any better than yours? What about hers (your wife's)? I totally agree that you need another therapist soon, so you can get through your own issues regardless of what your wife wants to do with the other therapist.
I hope you can both hang in there, and that at some point your wife will realize that her simplistic view must change, that your relationship is worth more time and understanding, even if more pain must be faced to take the time and give the understanding, even though there are some things she'll probably never really understand. Don't give up. You can make it. Your friends will be right there with you.

Ed


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#209107 - 03/06/08 11:02 AM Re: Bad day. I feel hopeless today. long rant. [Re: Freedom49]
imbroken Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/19/08
Posts: 40
Loc: NJ
Originally Posted By: Freedom49
I have two concerns with you here. First you therapist is not treating the cause, He is treating the symptom. That will get you nowhere. You need someone who understands male rape pathology and who can treat the depression, and self blame issues first. Second I am concerned that you are going to go off and attempt to try once again and treat your self.


Thanks Freedom. I will keep going to marriage counselor with wife and let her go alone if need be. I feel like I am ready to start dealing with things (the things that I think are the problem) but am frustrated that no one wants to talk about whats really bothering me and caused this. I know for 100% sure I wouldnt have cheated if I wasn't attacked. I know I wouldnt have done drugs or abused alcohol. It took my daughter being born to snap me out of it, but I had already made my mistakes.

I meet my therapist again next week and think I will talk to her about my concerns. I have already mentioned this to my wife.


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#209112 - 03/06/08 11:13 AM Re: Bad day. I feel hopeless today. long rant. [Re: imbroken]
imbroken Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/19/08
Posts: 40
Loc: NJ
Thanks Ed, also. My wife has been very supportive and helpful, although I am not sure she understands what I've been through. I dont understand either though, so i cant give her a hard time. I made mistakes. I know that. I am just asking to be heard and help me understand why I did these things when I never did before. I want to get better. I really do. I know I cant do it on my own.


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#209114 - 03/06/08 11:24 AM Re: Bad day. I feel hopeless today. long rant. *DELETED* [Re: imbroken]
awakening Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 342
Post deleted by awakening


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#209119 - 03/06/08 11:52 AM Re: Bad day. I feel hopeless today. long rant. [Re: awakening]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
I ditto the remarks above regarding finding another therapist for you. I can only tell you how my live in GF and I are still together. We both have our own Therapists and are dealing with our own personal issues. My T has told me on more than one occasion that I have to get MY LIFE in order b/4 I can make our relationship work.

We both have been communicating well, but the trust issue is gong to be the biggest hurdle. I too have acted out very poorly. Seems to me I will be punished for this until the end.

I would just say that do everything you can to work on your recovery. Also would say that you are in charge in your therapy sessions. When I go to my T I have a list of questions and problems that I want to work on.

Hang in there and things will get better.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#209185 - 03/06/08 06:54 PM Re: Bad day. I feel hopeless today. long rant. [Re: KENKEN]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
imbroken,

The unfortunate truth is that many therapists still do not know how to handle male CSA issues or deal with survivors who are struggling in relationships that are still being harmed by those issues.

It's of course up to you to say, but from your comments I think your T falls in this category. It sounds like you are taking responsibility for what you did to harm the relationship (the affair), and a good therapist would take that as his/her cue to move the discussion on to questions of what you are going to do to put things right now and in the future.

THAT's a positive approach. Endless rehearsal of details from the past can get old real fast, and ultimately both partners need to move on. That doesn't mean you get a free pass, but it doesn't sound like you're asking for that. It sounds to me like you need a therapist who knows about abuse issues as well as marriage counselling.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#209331 - 03/07/08 02:06 PM Re: Bad day. I feel hopeless today. long rant. [Re: roadrunner]
imbroken Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/19/08
Posts: 40
Loc: NJ
I'm not looking for a free pass. I fully know what I did was wrong, but am trying to move past those things. I'm trying to fix myself and the people I hurt. I'm just very frustrated by this whole process. While I know the affair wasn't right, I also know that if I hadn't been attack it would never have occurred. I wanted so desperately to prove I was a "man". The drugs, the alcohol and the affair were wrong and I stopped it some time ago. I too am nervous about my wife seeing the therapist alone. I will talk to my therapist on wednesday and let her know I am sick of talking about just the affair. In the meantime, I will look for another therapist.

My wife is dealing with a lot of things-- my affair for one. When she is down and digs into me, it really shatters me. I don't know what to do and I lose it. I really love her and respect her for helping me, but when she shows anger towards me about the affair, I freak out and don't know what to do.


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