I was woken up by a dream I had last night where I was with an old girlfriend and at a Mexican bar. She asked me to have a margarita with her and I was there to apologize to her. As I stood at the table she handed me the drink, and I thought 5 years sober down the drain. I thought in the dream its OK because she will accept the apology. The the thought came to me "WAIT" you have been here so many times before why do this again, this sucks and I'm not apologizing anymore! then woke up. I went out side to watch the storm for a while, it was 1:00am. I thought about my thinking in the dream that for a moment I was actually going to apologize and didn't know what I was doing it for, and I was going to give up my decision to remain abstinent. This to me was a betrayal of self.
I looked back on my relationships up to this point and there was only one where I did not have to apologize all the time for things I had no idea I did wrong. The fact is I choose very poor partners. The relationships were always needy. Either I needed them or they needed me, it was never I want to be with you because I like who you are and like spending time with you. It was always either good sex or one of us, usually the woman who I choose that needed me. I felt I had to be needed, if they didn't need me they didn't love me. but now I see that this was the undoing of all my relationships except one that was a choice to be together and we didn't need each other we wanted to be with each other. My dream just gave me the ability to see that many times there were issues I did not understand or did not know about that caused me to feel I needed to apologize for when in fact it should have been the other way around. you hurt me I apologize for it. If that aint f@#ked up I don't know what is.
Has anyone else done this? felt like this?
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
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