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#209013 - 03/05/08 05:33 PM Apologizing for what?
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I was woken up by a dream I had last night where I was with an old girlfriend and at a Mexican bar. She asked me to have a margarita with her and I was there to apologize to her. As I stood at the table she handed me the drink, and I thought 5 years sober down the drain. I thought in the dream its OK because she will accept the apology. The the thought came to me "WAIT" you have been here so many times before why do this again, this sucks and I'm not apologizing anymore! then woke up. I went out side to watch the storm for a while, it was 1:00am. I thought about my thinking in the dream that for a moment I was actually going to apologize and didn't know what I was doing it for, and I was going to give up my decision to remain abstinent. This to me was a betrayal of self.
I looked back on my relationships up to this point and there was only one where I did not have to apologize all the time for things I had no idea I did wrong. The fact is I choose very poor partners. The relationships were always needy. Either I needed them or they needed me, it was never I want to be with you because I like who you are and like spending time with you. It was always either good sex or one of us, usually the woman who I choose that needed me. I felt I had to be needed, if they didn't need me they didn't love me. but now I see that this was the undoing of all my relationships except one that was a choice to be together and we didn't need each other we wanted to be with each other. My dream just gave me the ability to see that many times there were issues I did not understand or did not know about that caused me to feel I needed to apologize for when in fact it should have been the other way around. you hurt me I apologize for it. If that aint f@#ked up I don't know what is.
Has anyone else done this? felt like this?

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
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#209017 - 03/05/08 06:22 PM Re: Apologizing for what? [Re: GateKPR4]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Ricky I think you got that dream right on. I think that inside your subconcious you are still processing and it is coming out in your dreams. You saw yourself apologising or about to again and when you looked around you saw a really bad setting that you have been trying to avoid and doing good I might add. She tempted you with alcohol. To me that was to point out that the behavior of constantly apologising for no reason just so you would not be left alone again was just as damaging to your heart and mind and self worth as drinking was to your body and spirit. But you got that message and stopped right there and ended the dream when you saw you were betraying your self by doing that just as you where betraying your vow of abstinance by taking that drink. Congrats guy and I think this was a great thing for you to realize how far you have come in your recovery. You did the right thing in your dream just as you would in real life and probably already have. Way to go Ricky. Now go have some Ice Cream.


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#209079 - 03/06/08 06:10 AM Re: Apologizing for what? [Re: Freedom49]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Thanks for the positive message Roger. I just wonder now with all my new information if I will ever find someone special to share my life with. I know they must be out there I just don't know how to find them. I guess it will happen when the time is right \:\)

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#209115 - 03/06/08 11:30 AM Re: Apologizing for what? [Re: GateKPR4]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
You will find that special some one but you need to think about where you want to look. You won't find gold on trash heap. Look in the places where special people would be found. Good luck. :-)


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#209170 - 03/06/08 06:07 PM Re: Apologizing for what? [Re: Freedom49]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Ricky,

When I read your post I could totally relate to the part about dysfunctional relationships. I was so far into alcohol and drugs that any girl who would hang with my had to be as messed up as I was - in one way or another.

But I can also relate to Roger's comment about finding someone in a place where special people would be found. That's what happened to me. I gradually got my act cleaned up and a few years later I met my wife. If I had stayed in the world of drinks and getting high I can imagine our paths would never have crossed.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#209343 - 03/07/08 04:40 PM Re: Apologizing for what? [Re: roadrunner]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I have been single for so long I would not know where to go.
When you lived as I have special places are hard to come by.
Just what are special places? My room is one of them, the forest, mountains, streems, and ocean. These are all special places to me. Not places of entertainment but of peace & serenity. I'm not really looking for anyone but I do get lonely some times. not very often though.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#209359 - 03/07/08 06:24 PM Re: Apologizing for what? [Re: GateKPR4]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Who knows you may run into someone special in one of your special places. I met my special person in church which is a good place but thee are many others. Lets just see what the universe puts in your path this year. Who knows? Keep you eyes and ears open.


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