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#208998 - 03/05/08 04:03 PM CSA Acceptance vs Recovery Work (rant alert)
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
I had another insight today thinks to my very nice T who in the process managed to get be bawling again and boy that gets old. (Although admittedly I do feel better).

Nevertheless, this is what I learned and what I wanted to share with others who may be struggling with the same thing.

There is a difference I have discovered in the work of recovery and the place where acceptance of what IS comes into the mix. I have been working on issues for three months now and I have made some serious progress I think. Some of which I was not even aware of until one of my very good and recent friends pointed this out.

I use the term work because that is definitely what it feels like. It is hard to keep up; requiring my energy and focus on changes that need to be made in my attitudes, behavior, and speech, (thank you Brian). The stumbling upon and acknowledging of these things has been emotionally draining, hence more energy expended.

Honestly there are days I sit in front of my display and feel completely drained. Worth it? Abso-frickin-lutely! I have never felt so good and so sadly thrilled if that makes any sense.

Today, however, I touched the acceptance part of my CSA. God this is still hard to write about. I have realized like so many others here on this site that I have to accept what happened to me as something that I cannot deny, change or do anything at all about now.

Fair? Hell NO it is not fair! Did I deserve it? Hell NO I did not deserve it! Was I betrayed by the very people God gave me to care for me, protect, nurture, and make a safe place for? Hell YES!

I could protest, rant, and rave and throw dust in the air but when all the dust settles, here is where I am. Fifty nine years old, hurting, isolated, (not so much anymore & BTW thanks guys), confused and as I finally admitted today amid many tears, very very angry.

These are things that I must ACCEPT. There will probably be more as time goes on. So what now? My childhood is gone forever. Not even a memory. My first marriage is gone also because I betrayed and broke her heart in my ignorance. My sons are lovingly polite but distant as we still are awkward in our relationship. I have very few friends in my area here although that is slowly changing. My current wife and I are still working on how we can be intimate and improve and enjoy our sexual part of the relationship. (Notice how I am now recognizing the difference between the two). All in all things are improving.

“Courage the change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” I believe that is how it goes. I guess I just needed help understanding the “difference”.

Thanks for all those here who have helped. You know who you are.




Edited by Freedom49 (03/05/08 04:06 PM)

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#209009 - 03/05/08 04:42 PM Re: CSA Acceptance vs Recovery Work (rant alert) [Re: Freedom49]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Roger,

An awesome insight for me in your words above. My T mentioned to me recently that UNTIL I FIND PEACE WITH MY CSA, I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO MOVE FOREWARD. The word ACCEPTANCE also works for me as you mentioned above. I so want to "move on" and heal from these wounds, but the work is so dam hard at times. It is overwhelming to me. Last night in group therapy we discussed for 2 hours relationships with our significant others.

Friday I go to my T and am working on my Inner Child. Need to write a letter to my "little guy". I need to find courage to make all the different parts of my life work together. Home/family/work/play and personal. How does one find the ability to work on all of these at the same time?

A great topic, but I think I got side-tracked some.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#209014 - 03/05/08 05:53 PM Re: CSA Acceptance vs Recovery Work (rant alert) [Re: KENKEN]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
My T thinks its time I moved away from the recovery because I have accepted what happened. Although I feel better than I ever have there are still issues that I don't feel are resolved (one is relationships) and I am alone and don't have many friends. I guess looking back I haven't had a true friend since I was a little kid.
I really don't know or understand what true friendship is.
Yes it is work Roger I did the same thing you are doing, I used every possible avenue to help my recovery and it did help but it was very draining. Still is sometimes. I told my T that I was no longer working on my abuse "the csa part" as much as helping others deal with theirs. I want to be here to help if I can like others were for me. She said isn't that what life is about? people helping people? I said yes I guess your right.

Acceptance is the answer but it doesn't mean we have to like it.
Once you experience it you will understand it. It's like forgiveness, I forgave my father for his poor support and alcoholism, his lack of compassion, his lying, but I did not forget it. The forgiveness was so I could find peace, with peace came understanding, with understanding came healing. It was in fact all about me and my letting go of the anger I had. I had to forgive to do that. Just as I had to accept that I "was" abused repeatedly. This brought healing because I understood that it was not my fault, also not my choice. Acceptance brings freedom and a release of control we gave those bastards. I'm rambling, your doing great Roger, it will get better \:\)

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_ô¿ô_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#209016 - 03/05/08 06:09 PM Re: CSA Acceptance vs Recovery Work (rant alert) [Re: GateKPR4]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Thanks Ricky and Ken,
One of the parting shots as I left his office was that I will find as I move though the acceptance and recovery work that there will be things and I will find I don't really need to work on after all. Things that might just be on longer as important at I origionally thought they were. I am not sure I understand that but I will se what happens. Ricky, did you find that to be true? Are there issues that you found after awhile were just no longer worth the effort ot what ever to deal with any longer?


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#209025 - 03/05/08 07:34 PM Re: CSA Acceptance vs Recovery Work (rant alert) [Re: Freedom49]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Yes Roger that is exactly what I found to be true. There were many things that became non-issues since I had already punished myself enough for things that were not mt fault. Before I lacked the understanding of how a perp thinks, and why they do what they do. This became a great healing part of my recovery and this also took away the guilt, shame , and fear I held for so many years. Being free from these things I am now able to work on my living / life issues. I know I still have a lot to do but its not all csa anymore, it may be the result of the csa but its indirect recovery.
We know the csa happened but it no longer controls us. We are free to work on the things in life that cause us problems in life today, relationships, communication, love, friendship, support of our fellow humans. All that we did not learn we can now. I think you may find the same thing once you reach a point where a lot of things from the past are no longer that important and can focus on what is important.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_ô¿ô_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#209031 - 03/05/08 08:36 PM Re: CSA Acceptance vs Recovery Work (rant alert) [Re: GateKPR4]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Hi, i know i haven't been exactly active around here as of late, but i just thought i'd share the thought that popped up while reading this thread; namely, that acceptance of ANYthing was a huge struggle, in a sense. Not only was i an expert at finding something to worry about in any given positive, but suspicion, anger and cynicism accompanied any change in my life- never mind looking a gift horse in the mouth, mentally i'd already be picturing my chest kicked in while mucking the stall, and be ready to send ol' Silver to the glue factory before even seeing him!
Dealing with my CSA has allowed me to understand my long-standing habits of "not letting anything go", as well as lacking trust, being withdrawn, etc. Sometimes it has helped me to understand how others see me, when i consider my initial reaction to people with "sore spots" i don't have; i'm sure all of us has witnessed some individual, issue, or situation, and had the initial, unbidden thought arise: "Geez, what's THEIR problem?" Remembering this, it makes it easier for me not to overreact if people or events press a button for me- while i'm sure the people here would understand a reaction, most people wouldn't- so it just adds to the whole cycle of shame/withdrawal/resentment, and hurts rather than helps me. Being as self-aware as possible keeps both myself and the people in my life from getting too frustrated, and things that seemed like huge issues before have shrunk down to a more manageable size. Not trying to be Mary Worth, just sharing my thoughts!
;\)

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#209066 - 03/06/08 12:21 AM Re: CSA Acceptance vs Recovery Work (rant alert) [Re: dgoods]
grover Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/28/07
Posts: 50
Loc: Tennessee
Guys,

I look up to you. I'm usually motivated by looking at people and saying to myself "if they can do it, I can too"

Thanks.

_________________________
Shocking revelations, we are all deeply effected.
-the Waitresses "Wise up"

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#209070 - 03/06/08 02:59 AM Re: CSA Acceptance vs Recovery Work (rant alert) [Re: grover]
copenbay Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi,

Again, this is a process. Everything in recovery is process, and not easy work -- whether forgiveness, or acceptance, or dealing with CSA and everything that goes with it. It sounds like you're making great progress, because you at least know what's involved in healing, and you're willing to stick with it. Please try to be patient. There's nothing quick about any of this, as I too have found. Anyway, that's my two cents, for what it's worth.

Ed


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#209116 - 03/06/08 11:38 AM Re: CSA Acceptance vs Recovery Work (rant alert) [Re: copenbay]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
The fact that it is a process and that it will take time, maybe lots of time (sigh) is something else I have to "accept". I have waited a long time to make this kind of progress. While I am excited about where I am at and how far I have come. I realize there will probably always be more. I know too, I have to stop looking back and greiving over what I cannot do anything about now. Useless waste of energy which I need if I am to handle what's on my plate right now at this moment and deal correctly with it. Thanks for all the feed back guys. Don't know what I would have done with our all of you at MS.org.



Edited by Freedom49 (03/06/08 11:40 AM)

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#209191 - 03/06/08 07:14 PM Re: CSA Acceptance vs Recovery Work (rant alert) [Re: Freedom49]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Roger,

You hit on a point that bothers almost every survivor, I think:

Quote:
So what now? My childhood is gone forever. Not even a memory. My first marriage is gone also because I betrayed and broke her heart in my ignorance. My sons are lovingly polite but distant as we still are awkward in our relationship.


You are right to look back and grieve for what has been lost. I still look back sometimes and it just horrifies me to realize the extent of the devastation. So much lost - gone forever. We DO have to come to terms with that.

But we can't reclaim the past, and what's done is done. Back when I was new here a great mod, Mike Church, used to tell us, "The present and future are where we will live the rest of our lives". That is, while it's understandable that we need to look back, the past isn't anything we can WORK on.

Where our recovery really lies is in the here and now and in our future. When we get present and devote ourselves to the way we are NOW, we aren't giving up our right to our anger and grief over the past; we are simply saying we have decided to use our emotional energy in more productive ways. Nor are we abandoning the little boy we were back then; we're simply gathering him up and bringing him with us to a world where, at last, he will feel safe and happy - perhaps for the first time in his life.

What greater gift can we give him, or ourselves?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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