.

Mark,



Believe it or not, I still get feelings like this. Sometimes we just become so weary of the struggle, I think. And an image that often comes to my mind is that of the mirror: looking at myself in the mirror when I was 12 and hating what I saw, and doing the same thing again when I was 20 and not recognizing what I saw.

I can't say why I keep getting up. I think different things at different moments inspire me. Sometimes I think of how giving up means that the dead perp, even in his grave, will still win after all. Sometimes I think of how the little boy that I was years ago kept going, all alone and without support of any kind; I think that if he could do it then so can I.

There must be a 1000 other reasons, but my feeling is that we keep getting up because at some level and in some way we know that we're worth it. As I keep going, I am more sure of that feeling. That is, on more and more days I know it's true, and on the rest I just hope it's true. But that's enough.

I don't have a clue if any of this will be helpful. Just some thoughts for you.

Much love,
Larry

I'd say that pretty much sums it up.
Why I go on I also can't say. I just have to. Something inside - maybe it's the inner child, maybe something more, I dunno. I only know something in me will not let me settle for loss.

It's just those days. Like today. When I feel I'm my own worst enemy. Self-sabotaging, self-destructing thoughts. Not behavior ... not yet anyhoo ...

The desire to "self medicate" is so strong when I'm down like this. And so isolated.

Tired.

so very very tired.

Thanx for the positive thoughts, Larry.


m

Mark,

I don't think we should get down on ourselves when we feel exhausted and worn out. When I first started out one of the mods back then PMed me and told me, "This may well be the most difficult task you have ever done."

He was right. Some days are rough, but others are overwhelming. It's okay to be tired.

Much love,
Larry

thanx, Larry. some days are just that - overwhelming. lately i seem to be besieged by them. add to that constant travel... sigh.

sometimes i just want to pull the emergency brake and get off this carnival ride!

m

Mark,



Me too. The last time, in fact, was last night! But hey, we will always get back up again. If we were going to give up we would have done that a LONG time ago.

Much love,
Larry

Two thoughts come to mind:

1. There's always a first time
2. There's no better time than the present

...

Mark,

Yes, that is always the thought as we pick ourselves up again, isn't it? But isn't that the point? When we think like that we are already getting back up.

Much love,
Larry

but why
that's a better question
one that has no answer
tho one is deserved

...

i suppose it doesn't matter

thanx for the good words, tho

m

I'm not sure if this is any help at all, but one thing I realized about myself last week, which I've found really helpful is that getting up, going on and wading through is simply part of who I am, part of my nature, and to just curl up and end would be denying something essential about myself.

I wouldn't call this determination or strength, merely recognizing the fact that I persist, I continue, because of what I am.

I know this sounds really pretencious and self-obsessed, but when you asked the question about why we keep getting up, this is the answer I got.

Sorry about butting in, and I'm even more sorry if this doesn't help.

it's as good as any other answer
sometimes i think i keep going because it ensures i stay in pain
if i gave up, the pain might stop
and i'm nothing without the pain

i dunno

but lately i'm scared

a lot

Mark,

I think sometimes we stay where we are, no matter how painful it is, because it's what we know. The boy inside us thinks that the trauma he knows is always preferable to the unknown.

Much love,
Larry

doesn't paint much of a picture for any real future if i prefer living in the past.

m

Mark,

That's right. That's why we need to take risks (back to another topic - remember?). We have to trust in ourselves and the in safe people in our lives in order to move into that unknown. Sometimes I was able to do that only because I could see that living in the past was NOT going to work, and in fact had never really worked.

Much love,
Larry

ugh. The 'T' word (trust). Safe people ... an interesting concept - one I am only beginning to believe in.

Even the most "safe" persona may hide the most unsafe personality.

M