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#208969 - 03/05/08 12:29 PM Silent abdication
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
.



Edited by MarkK (04/16/08 02:15 PM)

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#208988 - 03/05/08 03:08 PM Re: Silent abdication [Re: MarkK]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mark,

Originally Posted By: MarkK
I collapse to the floor
    Unable to go on

And simply stare at the reflection
        In the hall mirror


Believe it or not, I still get feelings like this. Sometimes we just become so weary of the struggle, I think. And an image that often comes to my mind is that of the mirror: looking at myself in the mirror when I was 12 and hating what I saw, and doing the same thing again when I was 20 and not recognizing what I saw.

I can't say why I keep getting up. I think different things at different moments inspire me. Sometimes I think of how giving up means that the dead perp, even in his grave, will still win after all. Sometimes I think of how the little boy that I was years ago kept going, all alone and without support of any kind; I think that if he could do it then so can I.

There must be a 1000 other reasons, but my feeling is that we keep getting up because at some level and in some way we know that we're worth it. As I keep going, I am more sure of that feeling. That is, on more and more days I know it's true, and on the rest I just hope it's true. But that's enough.

I don't have a clue if any of this will be helpful. Just some thoughts for you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#209004 - 03/05/08 04:24 PM Re: Silent abdication [Re: roadrunner]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: roadrunner
Sometimes we just become so weary of the struggle, I think.

I'd say that pretty much sums it up.
Why I go on I also can't say. I just have to. Something inside - maybe it's the inner child, maybe something more, I dunno. I only know something in me will not let me settle for loss.

It's just those days. Like today. When I feel I'm my own worst enemy. Self-sabotaging, self-destructing thoughts. Not behavior ... not yet anyhoo ...

The desire to "self medicate" is so strong when I'm down like this. And so isolated.

Tired.

so very very tired.

Thanx for the positive thoughts, Larry.


m


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#209046 - 03/05/08 10:40 PM Re: Silent abdication [Re: MarkK]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mark,

I don't think we should get down on ourselves when we feel exhausted and worn out. When I first started out one of the mods back then PMed me and told me, "This may well be the most difficult task you have ever done."

He was right. Some days are rough, but others are overwhelming. It's okay to be tired.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#209177 - 03/06/08 06:30 PM Re: Silent abdication [Re: roadrunner]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
thanx, Larry. some days are just that - overwhelming. lately i seem to be besieged by them. add to that constant travel... sigh.

sometimes i just want to pull the emergency brake and get off this carnival ride!

m


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#209194 - 03/06/08 07:19 PM Re: Silent abdication [Re: MarkK]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mark,

Originally Posted By: MarkK
sometimes i just want to pull the emergency brake and get off this carnival ride!


Me too. The last time, in fact, was last night! But hey, we will always get back up again. If we were going to give up we would have done that a LONG time ago.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#209213 - 03/06/08 08:36 PM Re: Silent abdication [Re: roadrunner]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: roadrunner
If we were going to give up we would have done that a LONG time ago.

Two thoughts come to mind:

1. There's always a first time
2. There's no better time than the present

...


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#209386 - 03/07/08 08:16 PM Re: Silent abdication [Re: MarkK]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mark,

Yes, that is always the thought as we pick ourselves up again, isn't it? But isn't that the point? When we think like that we are already getting back up.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#209388 - 03/07/08 08:21 PM Re: Silent abdication [Re: roadrunner]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
but why
that's a better question
one that has no answer
tho one is deserved

...

i suppose it doesn't matter

thanx for the good words, tho

m


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#209479 - 03/08/08 04:02 AM Re: Silent abdication [Re: MarkK]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1938
Loc: durham, north england
I'm not sure if this is any help at all, but one thing I realized about myself last week, which I've found really helpful is that getting up, going on and wading through is simply part of who I am, part of my nature, and to just curl up and end would be denying something essential about myself.

I wouldn't call this determination or strength, merely recognizing the fact that I persist, I continue, because of what I am.

I know this sounds really pretencious and self-obsessed, but when you asked the question about why we keep getting up, this is the answer I got.

Sorry about butting in, and I'm even more sorry if this doesn't help.


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