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#208688 - 03/03/08 10:04 PM "I am just a (body part)."
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
I sometimes have bouts of insight. I don't know where it comes from. It's almost as if I can get inside a survivor's head. I know, it sounds ridiculous.

The other day I was thinking of CSA survivors and more particularly the ones who become compulsive about sex with ...whoever.

When a survivor is csa, does he, in a protective defense mode, imagine that "It's only my body, it's not me," and then when it is repeated again and again, does he ever start feeling like he is just that one (body part)? Is it less painful that way, rather than telling himself it is his spirit, soul and personality *together* with his body that is being hurt?

Then later on when he becomes compulisve about sex, because he already sees himself as a body part, (compartmentalizing), does he also see others that way too, enabling him to have unemotional sex w/ them? I guess it's another way of saying he objectifies those others, as he himself was objectified, and as he learned to objectify himself.

Am I making any sense at all here? Because I was thinking that if I saw myself as merely a "body part," I too would be thinking of others the same way, imagining that we're supposed to "get together " or whatever, no emotion attached. Just sheer biology, just the basic animal part of us, separated from our better sense, values, wishes, preferences, etc.

Can anyone tell me whether I am close at all to understanding some survivors?

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#208745 - 03/04/08 08:07 AM Re: "I am just a (body part)." [Re: Brokenhearted]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Brokenhearted,

Although it isn't something that happened to me, I know that many survivors have become fixated on their penis. It's easy to see how this happens. As a boy you discover that everything the abuser wants is focused on either his penis or yours. Erections signal when you are aroused so you watch for that as a danger sign in others. All your sexual feelings seem to center on your penis. So eventually your penis seems to represent all you are.

On the other hand I can indeed relate personally to the feeling that "It's only my body, it's not me." During abuse episodes I would dissociate and "go away"; I actually convinced myself that I was in a corner of the ceiling - I wasn't that crying boy in the room below. I was also totally confused about why my body would react sexually to what the abuser did to me or made me do, when at the same time I was scared and didn't want the abuse. I expressed that feeling that my body didn't belong to me over and over again: "My body won't listen to me anymore."

So yes, in many ways you are making a lot of sense.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#208749 - 03/04/08 08:22 AM Re: "I am just a (body part)." [Re: roadrunner]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
BH,

Having commented on penis fixation I now see there's a good thread on it here on the site. You might want to have a look at this.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#208751 - 03/04/08 08:39 AM Re: "I am just a (body part)." [Re: roadrunner]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Broken,
Yes is the answer to your question. And your very insightful to see that. To many of us, me included, we just go away and let it happen. When we do this that is exactly what we think. I know there were many times in my life that all I felt like was a "body part" to be nice about it. To be used and then given back to me. I did in fact feel separated from my body during the abuse or later even sex. Sex was something I had to accept done to me in order to be loved and feel a part of the other person. It got to be a habit. Later when I wanted sex I saw it in the same way. Just to bodies doing what you have to do. It is sad when you realize what sex is and what it was designed for. I am currently in the process of trying to undo that so that I can apprectiate sex as it was meant to be. Thank you for this post. I see you are really trying to understand us and your 'getting it'.


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#208897 - 03/04/08 10:24 PM Re: "I am just a (body part)." [Re: Freedom49]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Larry, thank you for your response and the article link. I want to learn all I can. I can see why a survivor would want to be separated from his body. Thanks for saying I do make some sense here. If I can understand what it is like for a survivor, I can stand alongside my H and just be there for him.

And Roger, it must be terrible to have such conflicting feelings about sex. Maybe that is partly why my H wants us to refer to ourselves these days mainly as "friends." I can see he is confused and probably has mixed feelings about sex. It is so strange how these feelings of his seem to have just developed after being married for 14 yrs. I know it must be the PTSD.
And thank you for saying I am "getting it." I really want to.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#208901 - 03/04/08 11:09 PM Re: "I am just a (body part)." [Re: Brokenhearted]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey BH, just a quick thought. I had a partner years and years ago and during sex I would focus on the genitilia, I very much felt seperate from what was happening "down there". I guess it might have come from the feeling of it having a mind of it's own. I would kind of look at what was happening as an observer rather than being a part of it. I'm sure it had alot to do with my confusion over why it was "participating" throughout my rape when I certainly felt like the emotion's I was having didn't seem to go with arousal.

Even just writing what I wrote has brought feelings of confusion BH.

Disconnecting from "it" was the only way I could cope, it has carried on for 20+ years. I've spent most of my life being very angry at "it". Of course I dissociated from it, I couldn't process hating myself the way I hated "it" for what it did to me. "It" betrayed me completely.

It's an ugly circle isn't it.

It's a Mindfucker

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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