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#212382 - 03/22/08 10:46 PM Re: Penis Fixation ** Possible Triggers [Re: freemen]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
yes it does, Freemen, when we are sexualized powerful chemicals are released in the pleasure center of the brain and can cause us to fixate on shoe, penis, butt, legs, facial hair, anything. It can be re wired with time but a little work. I doubt seriously if it means your gay.


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#212410 - 03/23/08 01:32 AM . [Re: freemen]
JustJeff Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/19/08
Posts: 262
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#212411 - 03/23/08 01:33 AM . [Re: freemen]
JustJeff Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/19/08
Posts: 262
.

_________________________
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#212433 - 03/23/08 07:45 AM Re: Penis Fixation ** Possible Triggers [Re: freemen]
Matthew Ford Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/23/08
Posts: 2
Loc: Victoria, BC, Canada (North We...
I grew up in a quiet normal setting with normal friends until I got diagnosed with epilepsy at age 8. Then things changed from having normal friends, to spending more time in the children's hospital around disabled people. I then got put in a Care Home where it was mandatory that all males get sexually fixed. Being a minor, they didn't need my consent. Just the signature of my parents, allowing the facility to do whatever's necessary. One of the Caregivers there was Gay and I found out the hard way after waking up from a seizure, finding I'd been put to bed, stripped naked, and sexually used. I called the police, but he denied it, and since it was in my room, there were no witnesses, so nobody can vouch for me that it happened. No Witness, No Case.

My idea of making it stop was to have my penis amputated so the guy has nothing to come after. I even thought about having a complete sex change, just to make it stop. The years went by with more gay people getting into that line of work, as it's a part of their job to handle other people's privates. The only way it ended was when I attempted suicide. That woke people up to think something's wrong here.

When the police got involved, the guy took the easy way out... he had diabetes and went out for dinner somewhere eating lots of sweet stuff and it killed him. Since he's now gone, the case is closed. If I can't have him charged, I can't be awarded any compensation to get counselling as counselling costs money. Here in Canada, there is the BC Male Survivors of Sexual Assault clinic in Vancouver BC, but it costs $80 a session. Unlike the Rape Crisis Centers for Women that are free.

There's a Men's Trauma Center here that's free, but it's not for rape victims. It's for guys suffering the loss of a wife, or a friend who got killed in an accident or died of something.

Do an internet search for Sexually Abused Men, and you'll just get lots of websites offering services for women who've been Sexually Abused by Men. I'm so glad I found this site!

Matthew

_________________________
Sexually Abused by a Gay Caregiver while living in a Care Home for people with disabilities. I have Epilepsy.

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#212446 - 03/23/08 10:08 AM Re: Penis Fixation ** Possible Triggers [Re: Matthew Ford]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Matthew,

Welcome. I'm glad you found us too.

Your story is a horrible one. Sick monsters like these seem to lurk in these opportunities of isolated children. He's gone now, but you are left with the bill.

You've got a long road ahead of you pal....but you are NOT alone!

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#212452 - 03/23/08 10:44 AM Re: Penis Fixation ** Possible Triggers [Re: freemen]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
I have a facsination as well. Although I am finding that I do have gay fantasies - and I am starting to be able to be comfortable with my sexuality, my fascination with men's penises is something different. I was abused for 6 years - mine was anal sex, giving and receiving. In all those times, I never saw my perps penis erect. I had seen him flaccid many times (we were friends - he was an older neighbor - we went swimming together - camping together - but the sex was different - very quiet, very secretive - very surreal. I became, if not obsessed, VERY interested in looking at erect penises - almost in a clinical way - as if I was trying to "normalize" what happened to me.

About 5 years ago, I started to workout daily at a gym I had belonged to but used infrequently until then. At first, in the showers, I would be embarrased... I felt compelled to "look"....

But as I got to know the men at the gym... to connect with them on a personal level - work out with them, joke with them, become friends with them - I had no need to look at them as I had in the past - They were people that I cared about - not objects.

I realized my obsession was probably because of the cold, mechanical way I had been initiated into sexual activity - and that lost its grasp on me (no pun inteneded \:\) )

I feel like as I get more comfortable with myself as a sexual, sensual and intimate person... my obsession has soften ( sorry, couldn't resist! \:\) )

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#212459 - 03/23/08 11:10 AM Re: Penis Fixation ** Possible Triggers [Re: dannym]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2466
Loc: UK
i don't think it makes you gay

i like girls, but i've had dreams that have revisited and have felt aroused even though i'm not gay

and sabata, i can relate to that story of a kind of penis power trip, i don't remember why and i was never too comfortable with it myself but i think it must be something kids do, must be a way of exploring nakedness or something, i remember when people would come over when we were younger, like parents friends, my two brothers, sister and i (me being the youngest) would go to my parents bedroom and undress and then run about downstairs saying "naked bodies", sounds pretty messed up i know and i don't remember why but i figure maybe we were doing it to be naughty i don't remember

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#212471 - 03/23/08 12:04 PM Re: Penis Fixation ** Possible Triggers [Re: freemen]
dave999 Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 23
Loc: Canada
Freeman - I think that this really does make sense. I think that with sexual abuse we become separated from the male side of our being - I think we do this in response to the act in an attempt to protect ourselves - I know that I dissociated, retreated into fantasy, compulsive sexual activity. I found myself physically attracted to women - always checking them out on the street. When I see a male on the street I find I am always wondering whether he is gay or not. This results in a dilemma for me - I want to move toward and reconnect with the male of my being yet am afraid to do so - maleness = sexual abuse - fear, anger, taken advantage of etc. Being uncertain as to my sexual identity makes it hard - I feel vulnerable yet I have these very strong sexual urges to be with a male - I think the urges come from my deeper libidinal (male sexual)energy - trying to get me to act and move towards reconnecting with the male side of my being. The penis is the object of maleness and it is also the male sexual organ - it gets very confusing - you want to approach and reconnect - the energy pushing us there is coming from the male libido - yet we resist - because it reminds us of the abuse - being confused with our sexuality we are also hesitant to go there as it may mean that we will find out that we are gay, bi or hetero - a finding that may run counter to how we have been leading our lives to day or run counter to our true sexual identity. The urge is sexual because it is so basic - if I deny my maleness (penis)- then I will be safe. The oral act may be an attempt to reconnect with your male - if I do this I am showing that I am not afraid of the male - so I will be safe and it will be ok to reconnect with my male. Reconnecting with our male side for me is the first thing that has to happen. Once done, I think that we will be able to have close male friendships without sexualizing the relationship. Once secure in this - then I think that the sexual orientation issue will settle itself - whether gay, bi or hetero - it really is all about love - and sex is a natural expression of this love - with the SA we objectivize sex - no feeling, no intimacy, get it over with - let me out of here - once we can reconnect with our male side - I think we will have healthy boundaries and will be able to have loving trusting relationships with both males and females - which may or may not involve sex - sorry for the ramble
Dave


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#212606 - 03/23/08 09:54 PM Re: Penis Fixation ** Possible Triggers [Re: dave999]
freemen Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/20/05
Posts: 18
Loc: Alberta, Canada
Well, I guess I can speak freely here. I am feeling slightly guilty, and yet kind of resolved to these feelings. This close friend I've had for years looked physically like my unlce (perp) from many years ago, voice like him and even humor like him, and naked - even physically like him in every way. In the showers or change room after a workout, I was fixated on his penis. I was incredibly nervous and anxious being by him, and yet I felt I needed to be there just in case. For more years than I can remember I have screamed inside to perform oral sex on him just to get it over with. I'd provided opportunities, and nothing ever happened - it was a necessity - to get it over with. So, with some guilt I can say he finally he let me do it about 2 months ago....I....felt nothing. It was a job i needed to do ....to get it over with. I wasn't sexually stimulated, but I felt such relief afterwards. He told me I was incredible and when he told me that, in my head I said "I know I am"...but I didn't care....I was a boy again - in between my uncle's legs. I had captured the picture that had me anxious for years. I've known this guy for over 20 years....and I have not been with a man in my entire 20 year of marriage. When the act was over, I felt empty, useless, and didn't care if I ever saw my friend again. I realized that the whole relationship had been built on that one thing....and I was more of a subordinate little brother friend to him than a real friend. My wife had questioned our friendship for years.


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#212699 - 03/24/08 12:56 PM Re: Penis Fixation ** Possible Triggers [Re: freemen]
dave999 Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 23
Loc: Canada
Freemen - I think that you and I are wrestling with the same issue - I too found the sex with men very unsatisfying - felt depressed, guilty, empty afterwards - yet had this overwhelming urge to connect with them orally - over the years I had erected a wall around myself to keep men and women at a distance - this was isolating - lonely - and prevented me from developing any form of close intimate friendships - I am just now beginning to understand why this happened - I was abused by my mother - and had repressed this reality all my life - I have only just got in touch with it and the enormity of the impact that it has had on my life - I can say today that the wall is slowly coming down - and I am trying to develop male friendships - it is all about being able to trust - not only others but ourselves as well - one can connect with men and women in a caring, trusting way - the challenge is give to ourselves permission to do this - without sexualizing the friendship -


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