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#208405 - 03/02/08 09:22 AM Intimacy Issues with Wife
SpiritRisingMan Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/02/08
Posts: 11
Hi group. Anyone ever face intimay issues with their spouse? We go through issues every now and again. I came clean to her about my CSA and my acting out (with men) about 2.5 years ago. I joined a 12 step group and have been sober since (thank God). I am starting to get a clear understanding of my abuse, but it still has some effect with my wife. The main issue is intimacy. Oddly (and somewhat shameful for me) she has a stronger drive than I do. We are able to be intimate probably 2 times week. She says that's not enough. I get scared thinking of more times -- because brings up all sorts of "aren't I supposed to be a man and ready to go all the time?" insecurities...Things go best between us when we feel closest. Right now, I initiate and do most of the work. She won't touch me down there (used to be a big part of our togetherness). I understand she is still processing all the stuff I told her. I know it is scary for her. I just wanted to ask if anyone had any similar experiences with anything I've written down here. Any guidance would be so freeing. Thanks. SRM


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#208407 - 03/02/08 10:12 AM Re: Intimacy Issues with Wife [Re: SpiritRisingMan]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
SRM,

I would first like to say welcome to MS, but I'm sorry you need this place. You have found a great place to share and ask for advice. I hope you gain as much from being here as I have.

Your first two posts have struck a cord with me, both issues are very familar to me. I have had 4 LTR's that have failed, and I am currently living a celebate life. (7 years now) I'm glad you are seeing a T, I think you should consider having you wife come to a few sessions with you. Or she could start her own therapy and once in a while you could have a joint session.

Penis envy and intimacy are huge road blocks that we have to get around on this journey. I still don't think I've made it past them, but I am working on it. I wish I had some great advice but that is why we are here.

I am sure many here will reach out with some great suggestions.

I hope you will pull up a chair and stay awhile.

Welcome again, I will be watching this thread and maybe gaining from it also.

Take care,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#208416 - 03/02/08 10:33 AM Re: Intimacy Issues with Wife [Re: Scoutvictim]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
SRM,
This is a toughie for me and my wife too. I was sexualized by a male and as a young kid. Whenever the wife would intitiate sex it was a trigger for me and I would kind of freeze up and it took a while to loosen me up. Also I had a hard time(no pum intended) staying in the moment with her. I would tend to drift off into fantasy which only made it more difficult. I think one of the things that would help is for you and her to try differnent things to initiate imtimacy. In a sense re sexualize yourself to respond only to her so you can focus solely on her and these other thoughts hopefully will come up less and less.
Thanks for posting this and also welcome to MS. I am sorry that that happened to you.



Edited by Freedom49 (03/02/08 10:34 AM)

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#208436 - 03/02/08 11:20 AM Re: Intimacy Issues with Wife [Re: Freedom49]
SpiritRisingMan Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/02/08
Posts: 11
Thanks for the posts. We're working on starting intimacy. I can't seem to kick the guilt of having acted out with men (I tried sex with men a few times, and then got bored with it, but still was fixated on penis, would promise them the world just to get them to expose themselves to me, but I would not do anything with them, just finish my business with them and say in my head "gotcha"). I have not done this for 2.5 years but it still cases me so much sadness and shame, that I have a hard time getting close to my wife. Especially when I feel she has a greater drive than I do. Makes me feel bad or guilty that not being up to it all the time makes me less of a straight guy. SRM


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#208520 - 03/02/08 08:39 PM Re: Intimacy Issues with Wife [Re: SpiritRisingMan]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
I'm not sure if this will help at all. One thing I've realized since I've been coming to this site is that for alot of people, intimacy and sex are referred to as the same thing. This has been a strange realization for me, because some of our most intimate moments haven't involved sex at all.
I guess, everyone has diffrent wants and needs from a relationship. For me, sex or lack-of thereof, was never as big an issue as was communication. I love sex, don't get me wrong, but it means more to me to have him initiate an actual conversation, than to have him initiate sex.
I can understand what you mean when you say "She won't touch me down there.." I refrain from touching him as well. Between the two of us, the rules on touch are well understood. He dissociates, and although I can touch him when he's dissociating, I won't. I know this might sound crazy, but the reason I won't is because I don't know how it will look to him from another part of the room, or the ceiling. If he's so stressed over what's going on that he has to step out of the moment, why should I push the issue?
I will always stand behind my belief that while intimacy should go hand-in-hand with sex, sex does not have to happen to experience intimacy between 2 people.

Liv


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#208523 - 03/02/08 09:00 PM Re: Intimacy Issues with Wife [Re: Liv2124]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
LOL liv you got me. I have seen this to and in my (male) mind it was equal. I forget there is a big difference. Shocking as it my be to a woman I also know and appreciate the difference. When I am writing to a guy I will use them interchageably when writing to a woman I have to be careful to differentiate. To me just being around my wife and talking and laughing and maybe some hugging and a smooch or two it imtimate. But sex to me is REALLY intimate. That is a huge lowering of barriers to me. Glad you pointed that out and glad I saw this post. I wonder if other guys see the difference or if there is one for the rest of us. When I am trying to be tactful in a post I may use the word intimate to refer to sex. That may have led to some confusion. What a mixed up mess this is for me lol


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#208557 - 03/03/08 12:11 AM Re: Intimacy Issues with Wife [Re: Freedom49]
grover Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/28/07
Posts: 50
Loc: Tennessee
SRM,

Ditto you and scoutvictim.

It takes a slightly different manifestation in our marriage. I DON'T want to initiate. In my mind, I know what it is like to have someone make advances you can't stop and I vowed in my mind NEVER to put anyone through that. That end of the pendulum causes problems too.

And yes, my wife has a stronger drive than I do.

I'll agree with Liv too on the separation of intimacy and sex. I'm the one that needs the foreplay for it to be "safe" for me to have sex.

_________________________
Shocking revelations, we are all deeply effected.
-the Waitresses "Wise up"

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#208594 - 03/03/08 10:43 AM Re: Intimacy Issues with Wife [Re: grover]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Seems that CSA causes many intimacy issues. My GF and I had no problems when it came to intimacy until I disclosed to her about my CSA and my Acting out. On two occasions I met up with men. This was the biggest mistake I ever made as It completely ruined our sex life to this date. And there is no one to blame but myself for this.

Because of my acting out our sex life now is very strange. Seems she is no longer into oral sex with me. OH, she enjoys me doing oral on her. But because of my two encounters with men she will no longer reciprocate. And I can understand why. I don't know though if I can never again go without oral sex, because I LIKE It and I am not getting satisfied.

So don't feel you are alone when it comes to this. The problems are real for most of us here at MS>

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#208605 - 03/03/08 12:31 PM Re: Intimacy Issues with Wife [Re: KENKEN]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2568
Right now, for me, that best part of intimacy is all that leads up to the actual act. The actual sex part has been rough for me lately. But I can definitely say that (and this is just a recent realization for me) the best part really is everything that leads up to things. I love that closeness. The cuddling, the kissing, the touching, the talking, the being open. It's nice.

But depending on the day the actual act might be a positive experience or not. Mostly not lately as staying in the present and not sliding off into a fantasy or whatnot has really made things difficult for me.


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#208669 - 03/03/08 08:25 PM Re: Intimacy Issues with Wife [Re: JustScott]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Since there are so many survivors answering this question in so many different ways... Can I ask a really personal type question? Since so many of you refer to sex and intimacy as interchangable and basically the same thing, how many of you are actually "there" during the intimacy? I know this is personal, but one of the reasons I do not push sex is that if he's so freaked out that he leaves the moment, I don't want the sex. It's not worth it. And it's NOT what's important.

Liv


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