Hi group. Really glad I am here. I was abused as a 5 year old by a neighbor. MBd him. Probably since then had a penis fixation. I am married and would act out with men to get them to expose themselves to me. Hardly touched them, would ejaculate before anything happened. Came clean to my wife 2.5 years ago, and have not done anything with others since. I still focus on mine -- measure, measure, measure (as if it'll shrink or grow). Just nuts.

I am starting to understand my abuse -- it seems I did it to turn the tables on them (mastering my abuse, my therapist says), but I can't get over the constant penis comparison. Sort of a litmus test for manliness or something. Used to stare at crotches a lot too but not anymore. Just wondering of others had this issue also. Makes me scared about sexuality. Tried gay life, but that wasn't for me. I just went back to the activities described above. Didn't like male love/sex but was still fixated with men's penises. What gives? Any help would be a life saver.

This is from my book that is under review by several publishers so please don't distribute this.
Ken

Am I Gay If I Think about Penises a Lot?

Sometimes the victim becomes fixated on penises. Thoughts of performing oral sex on men or boys become the theme of sexual fantasies for some survivors. For those who are truly homosexual this is a natural source of arousal. For the male victim of same-sex abuse, the penis may have a different meaning in such recurring fantasies. What we find sexually stimulating can also be termed “erotic”.

If you are heterosexual, the thought of a woman’s body can be quite stimulating. Because our sexual conditioning may involve a focus on body parts, some men become particularly interested or aroused by breasts, buttocks or legs. Others become attracted to the vagina. Likewise, if you are gay, the arousal to a penis or a man’s body can be stimulating for you. There is no “right” way to be attracted.

Years ago I worked with a man who was obsessed (or “fixated”) by legs, feet and women’s shoes. He reported that his mother used to come home from work and ask him to massage her legs and feet. She moaned as he worked on her legs and said things like, “Oh, you’re so good. That feels great, yes, yes!” He said he remembered often being sexually aroused and during one massage session with her, when he was about eleven, he experienced his first orgasm and ejaculation. He later associated sexual response with women’s legs, feet and shoes. The greatest turn-on for him during sex was to kiss his partner’s feet and massage her legs. He was also a big consumer of pornographic magazines that cater to those attracted to legs, feet and shoes. He concluded that had he not been eroticized to his mother’s legs and feet as a boy, he would have had a more normal sexual attraction to a woman’s body and not be fixated on her legs and feet.

This man associated sexual pleasure with his mother’s (and later his partners’) legs, shoes and feet. Similarly, if a boy experiences powerful sexual feelings while stimulating his abuser’s penis, or from having his own penis stimulated, he may make a similar connection. In addition, as teenagers discovering masturbation, we reinforce the pleasurable feelings with the sight and feel of our own penises. So, with a non-abusive sexual history, we will have a neutral to positive association with penises. Our penis can make us feel good, give us a sense of power, and can alleviate boredom.

But when the sexual feelings are forced, unwanted, confusing and even painful, the association with the penis can be contaminated. Some men hate their penis because it “betrayed” them by becoming erect in an abusive situation. Because the male abuser, particularly when there are negative feelings towards him, involves his penis in the acts, some survivors may associate the penis with the hurt, betrayal, pain, humiliation, shame and guilt from the abuse. Think of the confusion you might feel from having these negative emotions about the abuse or abuser, and at the same time trying to feel good about your sexuality, and about a part of your body that is so central to your sexuality as your penis.

Many survivors report a desire or temptation to look at the groins of other men, or at their exposed penises in situations like a restroom, changing room in school, gym, or at a swimming pool. It is natural for boys and men to be curious about the penises of other guys, and no amount of reassurance that size doesn’t matter seems to lessen this curiosity. Just because you are looking at someone else’s penis, doesn’t mean you are gay or interested In sex with that person.

For survivors, however, the penis is also a symbol of the harm they have suffered. You may think, for example, that your penis is what “attracted” the abuser; this is often why survivors, both teens and adults, report feelings of wishing they were not boys, or of wishing they didn’t have a penis. Although this is not very common, some survivors are so conflicted about having a penis that they sometimes seriously think about cutting theirs off.

The sexual parts of other males can also arouse feelings of discomfort and peril in you: that is, you are looking at other men not because you desire them, but because you are on alert for signs of possible arousal, which for you would be a danger signal. But notice once again how, when you experience these feelings, you are in fact also re-experiencing the control that the abuser had over you. The abuser’s penis was the source and symbol of so much of what was happening to you as a boy. Now, even though the abuse has ended and you no longer need fear harm from the abuser, these old defense mechanisms are still active. What the abuser did years ago still has the power to influence how you think and behave.

One important consideration for those who are sexual with other men is to look at why you desire to act sexually with them. If the behaviors are reenactments of your abuse, it may be because the trauma is still unresolved and the sex is a way of returning to the trauma, perhaps hoping – on an unconscious level – that this time you will not be the helpless victim.

One example of this is familiar with those who know or work with abused women. How many women in abusive relationships end their relationship, but then return to the abusing partner or wind up with another man who turns out to be abusive as well? On some unconscious level these women may be hoping that “this time it will be different”. This way of thinking leaves them in a situation where they find themselves in a repeating cycle of bad or abusive relationships.

It may also be that you have been taught or conditioned that behaving in this way will bring closeness, acceptance or some other emotional need that you may not have in your life at the moment. Or you may have learned that by giving in, you will not be beaten or hurt more.

Again, look at all these situations and you can see the continuing control of the abuser. The bad times are gone, and perhaps the abuser too, but the emotional responses you learned as an abused boy may still be with you.

Thanks Ken for your great response. I can say this, the penis really triggers me (more quickly than female triggers). But when I sit back and dream about who I want to be with, I dream of my wife, starting a famly and growing old with her. So, in my head, I feel very comfortable with the concept of being straight. What is scary is that there is so much energy connected with the penis that it gets me all tied up. When i used to look at these people, I never said "I want to have sex with them". Maybe my thought would be, I want to see their penis, show them mine, ejaculate and be done witht the experience. Reliving my abuse (I masturbated a neighbor to completion) except this time I am in control. Does that make sense? Also, the male body is interesting to me because I wish I was in better shape and have envy there too.

That makes perfect sense SRM. it is a common this to want to repeat the abuse with you in control to try to understand it and control it and understand what you perp was thinking and feeling.

I know for me, starting as young as 3rd or 4th grade, I was fixated on just touching my penis. Not in a mastibatory way so much, but I needed/wanted to just keep my hand down there if I was sitting idle. I guess it comforted me.

I can't tell if that is just normal kid stuff, or because of the abuse. Hm. *shrug*

I still do it, but it's not automatic anymore, I guess.

I have an 8 yo son who has been brought up in a very safe environmet, since he could walk he has kept his hand on his penis. My wife and I don't want him to think that he shouldn't touch himself so we just tell him that he has to be aware of it in public and we remind him, gently but still remind him. I think it's just a boy thing that we CSA victims, understandably, put a negative on. My touching of my penis was not as innocent but I have very different circumstances than my son.

I Dont know if this belongs here------------------but when i was a boy----------------------7 8 or 9 cant recall-----when the neighbor kids came by-------------------boys and girls-------------------------------i would strip off my clothes-----and chase them around--------------------shaking my little penis at them--------------------------they would screem and run-----------------------------it was sorta like a penis power trip----------------where does a small boy dream up stuff like that?????????????????????????????????steve

SRM,

I can't add anything to the chapter from ken's book. I'll just assure you that you aren't alone. Don't feel ashamed or guilty about these feelings; it's a survivor issue and can be addressed in therapy.

Much love,
Larry

Thanks everyone. This has been really helpful. I will try my best to accept and love myself. If the shame starts up, I'll just tell myself that I am a good person who had some really bad stuff happen to me and the penis thing is part of the bad stuff working its way out. Again for me, it's about looking, comparing and somehow feeling close by doing that. It's got nothing to do with doing anything with the penis. So it's not about sex. It's about how I connected with someone when I was young (even just once) that was so damaging I am dealing with it 30 years later. God bless everyone.

I thank you for sharing. I went on chat this week to get some answers, but was being told if I'm fixated on a penis - I must be gay.

I find that I especially look at or search for the same type of penis that abused me. When I see it, I feel like I must be with that person as often as possible, to guard myself OR to just do the oral act and get it over with. It doesn't happen with every penis I see....I mean I always look, but if it isn't like my abusers, I don't care.

Does that make sense?

yes it does, Freemen, when we are sexualized powerful chemicals are released in the pleasure center of the brain and can cause us to fixate on shoe, penis, butt, legs, facial hair, anything. It can be re wired with time but a little work. I doubt seriously if it means your gay.

.

.

I grew up in a quiet normal setting with normal friends until I got diagnosed with epilepsy at age 8. Then things changed from having normal friends, to spending more time in the children's hospital around disabled people. I then got put in a Care Home where it was mandatory that all males get sexually fixed. Being a minor, they didn't need my consent. Just the signature of my parents, allowing the facility to do whatever's necessary. One of the Caregivers there was Gay and I found out the hard way after waking up from a seizure, finding I'd been put to bed, stripped naked, and sexually used. I called the police, but he denied it, and since it was in my room, there were no witnesses, so nobody can vouch for me that it happened. No Witness, No Case.

My idea of making it stop was to have my penis amputated so the guy has nothing to come after. I even thought about having a complete sex change, just to make it stop. The years went by with more gay people getting into that line of work, as it's a part of their job to handle other people's privates. The only way it ended was when I attempted suicide. That woke people up to think something's wrong here.

When the police got involved, the guy took the easy way out... he had diabetes and went out for dinner somewhere eating lots of sweet stuff and it killed him. Since he's now gone, the case is closed. If I can't have him charged, I can't be awarded any compensation to get counselling as counselling costs money. Here in Canada, there is the BC Male Survivors of Sexual Assault clinic in Vancouver BC, but it costs $80 a session. Unlike the Rape Crisis Centers for Women that are free.

There's a Men's Trauma Center here that's free, but it's not for rape victims. It's for guys suffering the loss of a wife, or a friend who got killed in an accident or died of something.

Do an internet search for Sexually Abused Men, and you'll just get lots of websites offering services for women who've been Sexually Abused by Men. I'm so glad I found this site!

Matthew

Matthew,

Welcome. I'm glad you found us too.

Your story is a horrible one. Sick monsters like these seem to lurk in these opportunities of isolated children. He's gone now, but you are left with the bill.

You've got a long road ahead of you pal....but you are NOT alone!

I have a facsination as well. Although I am finding that I do have gay fantasies - and I am starting to be able to be comfortable with my sexuality, my fascination with men's penises is something different. I was abused for 6 years - mine was anal sex, giving and receiving. In all those times, I never saw my perps penis erect. I had seen him flaccid many times (we were friends - he was an older neighbor - we went swimming together - camping together - but the sex was different - very quiet, very secretive - very surreal. I became, if not obsessed, VERY interested in looking at erect penises - almost in a clinical way - as if I was trying to "normalize" what happened to me.

About 5 years ago, I started to workout daily at a gym I had belonged to but used infrequently until then. At first, in the showers, I would be embarrased... I felt compelled to "look"....

But as I got to know the men at the gym... to connect with them on a personal level - work out with them, joke with them, become friends with them - I had no need to look at them as I had in the past - They were people that I cared about - not objects.

I realized my obsession was probably because of the cold, mechanical way I had been initiated into sexual activity - and that lost its grasp on me (no pun inteneded )

I feel like as I get more comfortable with myself as a sexual, sensual and intimate person... my obsession has soften ( sorry, couldn't resist! )

Dan

i don't think it makes you gay

i like girls, but i've had dreams that have revisited and have felt aroused even though i'm not gay

and sabata, i can relate to that story of a kind of penis power trip, i don't remember why and i was never too comfortable with it myself but i think it must be something kids do, must be a way of exploring nakedness or something, i remember when people would come over when we were younger, like parents friends, my two brothers, sister and i (me being the youngest) would go to my parents bedroom and undress and then run about downstairs saying "naked bodies", sounds pretty messed up i know and i don't remember why but i figure maybe we were doing it to be naughty i don't remember

Freeman - I think that this really does make sense. I think that with sexual abuse we become separated from the male side of our being - I think we do this in response to the act in an attempt to protect ourselves - I know that I dissociated, retreated into fantasy, compulsive sexual activity. I found myself physically attracted to women - always checking them out on the street. When I see a male on the street I find I am always wondering whether he is gay or not. This results in a dilemma for me - I want to move toward and reconnect with the male of my being yet am afraid to do so - maleness = sexual abuse - fear, anger, taken advantage of etc. Being uncertain as to my sexual identity makes it hard - I feel vulnerable yet I have these very strong sexual urges to be with a male - I think the urges come from my deeper libidinal (male sexual)energy - trying to get me to act and move towards reconnecting with the male side of my being. The penis is the object of maleness and it is also the male sexual organ - it gets very confusing - you want to approach and reconnect - the energy pushing us there is coming from the male libido - yet we resist - because it reminds us of the abuse - being confused with our sexuality we are also hesitant to go there as it may mean that we will find out that we are gay, bi or hetero - a finding that may run counter to how we have been leading our lives to day or run counter to our true sexual identity. The urge is sexual because it is so basic - if I deny my maleness (penis)- then I will be safe. The oral act may be an attempt to reconnect with your male - if I do this I am showing that I am not afraid of the male - so I will be safe and it will be ok to reconnect with my male. Reconnecting with our male side for me is the first thing that has to happen. Once done, I think that we will be able to have close male friendships without sexualizing the relationship. Once secure in this - then I think that the sexual orientation issue will settle itself - whether gay, bi or hetero - it really is all about love - and sex is a natural expression of this love - with the SA we objectivize sex - no feeling, no intimacy, get it over with - let me out of here - once we can reconnect with our male side - I think we will have healthy boundaries and will be able to have loving trusting relationships with both males and females - which may or may not involve sex - sorry for the ramble
Dave

Well, I guess I can speak freely here. I am feeling slightly guilty, and yet kind of resolved to these feelings. This close friend I've had for years looked physically like my unlce (perp) from many years ago, voice like him and even humor like him, and naked - even physically like him in every way. In the showers or change room after a workout, I was fixated on his penis. I was incredibly nervous and anxious being by him, and yet I felt I needed to be there just in case. For more years than I can remember I have screamed inside to perform oral sex on him just to get it over with. I'd provided opportunities, and nothing ever happened - it was a necessity - to get it over with. So, with some guilt I can say he finally he let me do it about 2 months ago....I....felt nothing. It was a job i needed to do ....to get it over with. I wasn't sexually stimulated, but I felt such relief afterwards. He told me I was incredible and when he told me that, in my head I said "I know I am"...but I didn't care....I was a boy again - in between my uncle's legs. I had captured the picture that had me anxious for years. I've known this guy for over 20 years....and I have not been with a man in my entire 20 year of marriage. When the act was over, I felt empty, useless, and didn't care if I ever saw my friend again. I realized that the whole relationship had been built on that one thing....and I was more of a subordinate little brother friend to him than a real friend. My wife had questioned our friendship for years.

Freemen - I think that you and I are wrestling with the same issue - I too found the sex with men very unsatisfying - felt depressed, guilty, empty afterwards - yet had this overwhelming urge to connect with them orally - over the years I had erected a wall around myself to keep men and women at a distance - this was isolating - lonely - and prevented me from developing any form of close intimate friendships - I am just now beginning to understand why this happened - I was abused by my mother - and had repressed this reality all my life - I have only just got in touch with it and the enormity of the impact that it has had on my life - I can say today that the wall is slowly coming down - and I am trying to develop male friendships - it is all about being able to trust - not only others but ourselves as well - one can connect with men and women in a caring, trusting way - the challenge is give to ourselves permission to do this - without sexualizing the friendship -

it's good to know i'm not alone in this battle ... though for me the twist comes in the form of being gay and married. for years i pushed the thought of my being fixated on men to being the result of my abuse. i too have had relationships with men - but for me they were usually very fulfilling, i did not feel empty, used, or guilty aftereward. other than the depression that i was married and finding out that maybe i never should have taken that step...

In general I feel very satisfied and connected after intimacy with my partner. Casual encounters with men generally left me feeling sort of empty, but very satisfied.

I think we might all agree that sexual encounters that are a result of acting out will likely be the ones that result in feelings of terrible disgust, shame, guilt, loathing, etc.

I agree with that evaluation. It even makes sense (to me, anyhoo) - if it's acting out based on a traumatic experience - it would tend to leave me "feeling dirty" ....

I'm gay, and I like penises very much.

The post about the "penis power trip" resonated with me, though.

I was in 2nd grade and I had two of my friends over after school to work on homework. We were sitting around the dining room table and my mom was out of sight in the kitchen. I desperately wanted these boys to like me. We were friends, but of course I didn't think anyone would ever truly be my friend. So I felt like I needed to entertain them. My mom made us a snack and would bustle in and our of the room every so often. I thought it would be funny if I started acting goofy when she was out of the room and then suddenly rever to staid normalcy when she returned. I started out with silly faces, but then escalated each time to get a better reaction. Eventually, I jumped on top of the table and pulled down my pants and waved my penis around.

Needless to say, this is one of those memories I usually block out of my conscious mind with my "It didn't happen" mantra -- as I remained in contact with these kids through elementary and high school, I was never able to look them in the eye again.

Dan

I was flattered with all the comments I got from men when they saw my penis. I luved seeing how their penis reacted when they saw mine. Like friends meeting each other. My penis brought me pleasure and I liked sharing my penis. My penis was a powertool and I could use it get anything I wanted from this pedos.

Now I have a life and my penis is not a Star anymore.

Greetings. I am new here.

I developed a penis fixation shortly after my CSA started when I was 10. A neighbor boy about 2-3 years older pressured me into masturbating with him. I didn't want to but he all but insisted. He said I didn't have to "go all the way". I had no clue then what that meant. When I reluctantly gave in and dropped my pants and underwear he laughed at my penis and called it a microscopic morsel. I was devastated. I became obsessed with other penises after this, including my dad's.

Bark

Welcome, Bark. I'm glad you found MS to help in your healing.

Welcome Barkabus glad you found us. Sorry you needed to. This kind of think is not unusual with victims of CSA especially if the focus has been on the penis and not the person himself. You are not the first to be curious about dad's equipment. I unfortunately got the delux up close and personal tour. Trust me it is not worth it. Make youself at home. Read, post, chat and vent as it all helps. If you have any questions click on someone's name that says moderator under it and send them a Private Message and they respond pretty well.

I have struggled with penis fixation for such a long time that I really thought I was the only one. Thank you for allowing me to share this journey with other men who know what a struggle this really is. I'm not gay, nor do I desire to be, but the fixation with the male body is overwhelming at times. I'm beginning to understand that it's not the fixation that I struggle with, but the reason I do it. It's because no matter what I do, I don't feel normal and if I don't feel normal then I must not be and if I must not be what good am I. My abuser told me for so long it was my fault that the false guilt makes me feel different. So, I guess I'm really looking so I see that I'm no different, but that is the problem, no matter how many sneak peaks I take, when I look in a mirrow, I still feel different. I'm in great physical shape, I run at least 5 miles a day, have six pack abs, but it's not enough. What can I do to break this distructive cycle?

Ridley:
See if there are any predictable patterns you can interrupt.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer2.html

Since you have the discipline to do the running and crunches, you can also put this one of a track for controlling. It will be difficult because there are some rewards associated with the behavior. But for many of us the choice between a Snickers bar and doing physical activity is not complicated. Sounds like you have willpower. That will help.

hi guys, as i have come to embrace myself sexually, [uhumm!? in theory i mean...] and my orientation, my interest in all things male deepens and widens. when i was in my dysfunctional stage of my orientation i felt guilty and dirty about my attraction. but now, since i have begun to celebrate my gift of orientation, i no longer try to convince myself that 'there must be something about women that i could find attractive', ie. make want to have sex with them and thereby qualify among the ranks of male-worthy-ness. and the most awesome thing in the whole evolutionary process, is that as i embrace myself more fully, my joy in other males become less an objectification of them, and the same thing happens for females as well! i no longer tend to see them as barbie dolls, important only for their plasticity and blondness, and babymaking function. as i get healthier, i notice that people are just people, not penises and boobs/vaginas and all the cultural implications therein.
i have even come to believe that given the opportunity, i could actually sustain a functional relationship! now how do you like them apples? peace, ron

I like them apples a lot Sans. I think this is progress and time we can dump the objectifacation and begin to see people as people. Congratulation.

I too believe I have a fixation and experience many of the symptoms other guys have said they felt. I want to see what other guys have and I want what I have to be seen. My penis is my favorite part of my body. I get erect I think because I want to show off and compare but not to interact with the guy. I feel safe showing my genitals to straight guys because I know they won't touch me. I'll show anyone online because they can't touch me. I've tried the gay world but it wasn't for me I just like to look, show, and compare. With the friends who I've shown and have shown me I feel closer with them as I showed them something of great importance to me and he did the same. I feel like it's a bonding experience without getting sexual. I'm not grossed out by genitals and if someone wants to show them off I have no problem looking.

Thanks Ken. I understand your explanations about penis fixation. For me I was abuse by my cousin and he had a large penis compared to me at age 9. I was afraid and feared him but I also got aroused. I was so confused because I felt guilty. He pulled my pants down and I wanted to run away but he told me he would tell. He constantly sought me out and I always tried to avoid him but he was a lot older and baby sat me and my younger bother. He made me sleep in the same bed and he would brush his erect penis on my butt. I would just close my eyes and pretend I was asleep. Today, I look at gay porn and fixated on erect penises. I also look at male-female porn and wish I was the hot guy f**kng a woman. I like his cock and how he had control and power. When I see a hot guy, I do'nt want to have sex but look at them naked. I had gay sex before, got aroused and ejaculated but felt dirty/shame after all the time. When I have sex with women it feels more comfortable and I enjoy it; however, after I feel guilty because I have sex with guys. Does she know? Do I send signals? Anyway, I have never been able to be satisfied sexually or in a relationship with guy or gal.

I can relate to the penis fixation. Every time I see a guy, my eyes automatically go to his penis. I hate it because I don't even look at him as a person. I just want to focus on that part of him and find fulfillment in it. I will look for more information from Ken because I need to understand what has happened to me and how I can move forward.

Brother i urge you to purchase kens book

Evicting the Perpetrator

you can get it from our amazon bookstore link on the main malesurvivor.org page

warm regards,

Ron

I would be careful with what you take ,receive Anywhwere( freemen) ( Sorry I am lousy at grammar). There is alot
of opinions on here and where you live. Ask the professionals.

I dislosed to a guy , in the city where I live that i watchED
gay porn ( lots of it). He replied that I should just accept I am gay. It took months to take this out on the punching bag . I found this very abusive and unprofessional to say to me or to anyone. Be Careful!

I too have had that problem with wanting to see other guy's penises. I had always been criticized about the size of mine, and so I wanted to compare; I wanted to know if what other people said about my size was true. I still have that problem, but not so much.

When I talked to somebody about my fixation on penises, they told me that it is because I am young and it is normal for guys to be curious.

TW16

I want to see a guys dink right ,,, No! I Don't . But if
a guy wants to check guys out.. go ahead! Who am I ? Another
person! All my life ,, allowing my dad to be what he wanted ..I PAYED FOR IT! Wondering who I was , so quiet. MY
relatives (then) would say " what is wrong with James?, ?"
I was just me,James. Then, I didn't like my name and they
my dad and his brother&sister-in-law did some really frightening things.Putting nail polish on my fingernails ,female clothing. Now I can understand why I am a virgin. Eat lots when I am down, and depressed. This is normal!
My dad's family ( NOT MINE), got away with Murder! They don't care. People are morons. My dad's thinking " ah, he is just a
kid! What do kids know?" APPARENTLY AND EVIDENTLY ALOT SHITHEAD! He didn't care. I hate it when i see kids. Really hate , why? I am scared , hoping they are not keeping any secrets. Hoping they are not frightened to death so they are not stunted at a very young age- and that we can't fight FOR THEM.! Since this (their innocense and Purity)has been robbed!
I don't give a fuck about my dad! Hmm, fucking asshole! How people have this in their thinking they can just kill children
ha, is beyond my challenge of trust in another person. Afterall
it can be a neighbour,anyone watching that noone is looking.
I AM OUT ! i WILL KILL,BY WRITING! THAT IS ME,YEARS AGO! WHEN I HAD TO SHUT-UP! TO SAVE DADDY AND SOME OTHERS! Thankyou,it
feels good to get this CRAP OUT!
James

I dont have any where. I am angry at myself. One day,. Two days
,. threee. Hmm, Not over. I hate this SHIT! I am soo lonely.
I refuse to be gay. I like women. But i notice I am drawn to
women who are senitive and poite! I hate this. I have no where to go. Seriously. I hate the small stuff! I dont watch t.v.
I am trying to learn English from a different , place. I do not think That I want to be to nice.. when I think about my dad, his dad his mom...and so onnnnnnnnnn. I hate my life. I am glad I am still here. Lately I have been pondering to jump out of an airplane (w/ a parachute, of course). I just masturbated to male
and male porn. I found these two sites , and this other with a guy with a one man show. I am tired. I really am. I hate ,hate
him. Why can't they killl my dad 's brother? Why? I vent in my
head. I am tired of being Judicious. I am not special. I just want to go home. Never feels okay. I have thinking of moving to another city. I need to just cut my thoughts on buying this and that. I am tired. I feel like a woman. or unsure. I dont have a penis. I feel so scared in the shower. I never liked me! I was never to ever think. I nevr knew me. I hate it that i have nowehre to turn. My dad is nervous... really? Yeah.! That he tooo can be wanting to die! " Why do you say these things?"

BEcause they told me. If i ever tell anyone they will find me or kill me and the other scary stuff. See I never had a place to call home. I started to .,, maybe 1974 - the year i was born But
she beat me up.. "Who? " my dad's sister-in-law. I will never call her Auntie. she is sick. I dont use nice words toward my mum.. I mean shit to my dad's sister-in-law. I didnt like her. She kept telling me sick stuff , such ss; you are goin to hell!
You dont like your mom. I could never understand this woman/ devil. I hate my dad's culture, my mother's I dont want to have anything to do with it. But since I feel like my dad took me away
from my mom since i was 6 months old,,, I dont want to talk to him. He , I dont know what is wrong with him. My dad's mother would always do these sick things to. Listen to your cousins they know more than you. I always grew inferior of these two. My brother no longer cared about me...I never was hannging out at my brother or dad's place. I just learned to go over to my dad's brother's place where they drexsed me as a girl , put nail polish on me and I would undress for them k, to entertain my dad's mom. IKK! Yukki. I have no friends because of this. I grew up confused about my sexuality. Not knowing " Are you a girl or a boy "my dad's sister-in-lawy would have alot of fun. I couldn't do anything ,, I could feel my dad... doing it right now.. but it isn'thim it is her,,her dad...my cousin ..and he teels me to not move.. OR ELSE! I wait till he is inside me.. I am scared Iand wheewe now it is today and I havenot grown.. 36 years old and not touching myself means i must not be a man. Who am I or what am i? I hated looking in the mirror all the way ,,only til recently i dont want to hang out .. I dont know what to tell people. I dont want to scare anyone.. Where do I go?
I want dont to feel bii her next to me! I loathe her and her dad. I feel I have been tricked and poisoned to thinkn i have to listen to her and her pedophole dad..over and over inmy fucking head. When does it go , away? One more day.. please tell me it will be only one more day. I want to be a BOY!, AND GROW INTO A MAN A GOOD,NICE MAN! THANKS JAMES, anytime.

Sterling,

This CAN get better for you - it is possible.


Keep sharing and working thru this- you can get to a better place.


Jamie

I too have a penis fixation. My eyes and my brain are drawn to the groins of men. I am ashamed to admit that my perp has been able to screw up my brain in this way. I am not attracted to men but I am attracted to their penis's.

Just for know I was at the age of seven or eight when it began and used by men. I am fixated on penises. I am always looking at men’s groins hope to see their penis budging thou their pants. I love going to public restrooms and try my best to see other means penis. I have looked at porn on the internet. And when I do I get turned on looking at the their penies. I get a funny feeling down there and play with myself. Love showing my penis and get others hard that see it. I just what to play with other penis it is such a turn on for me.

Yeah – I’ve got it bad. Not much mystery why.

From 5-13, my stepfather shoved his in my face. At first it seemed huge and I felt tiny and insignificant. By age 12 I realized mine was bigger than his.

At 11, my classmates discovered I was sexually fully developed though my body was still as small and immature as theirs and I became the plaything of every guy in middle school, scouts and the Y who wanted to have a go at me. I was a novelty and a freak. They and I were equally amazed at the fact that I was so much bigger and more advanced than them. Difference was, they enjoyed it & I was ashamed and humiliated by it.

At 13, the school bully forced me to compare with him and proved to me that I was of average adult size while he was super-sized. Again I felt small and inadequate next to his super-human exhibition.

Quite a roller-coaster: little-big-little-big-little/average?

NO – I do not desire any physical contact or sexual activity or involvement with any other male. That is something that makes me feel sick to think about and is absolutely terrifying to me. But still I find myself uncontrollably checking out other guys to see where on the scale from small to average to big they and I fall. And much of my focus in online model photos is centered on the extreme ends of the scale and trying to find photographic matches for my memories and impressions of myself and the most indelible images in my mind.

Can't seem to get free of the impulse - and it wreaks havoc with my self-image and relationships. Lots of conflict, confusion and mixed signals - leaves me paralyzed on the sidelines and isolated, hoping no one will discover my abnormality.

Lee

Society trains us to think we never measure up to other men and being a bused makes is worse. Finding acceptance with your body is hard after abuse but it can be done. PS even non abused straight guys look and compare.

It is normal, universal, omnipresent male behavior to be fixated on penises. There have been scientific studies using eye-tracking cameras that show men -regardless of sexual orientation or history - spend the most time looking at the crotches of other men (clothed or unclothed) and even of animals. Many features of the human penis are useless for reproduction and serve as a visual signaling device for other men - this was explored at length in "The Third Chimpanzee."

Goodness knows it's hard to find a professional straight porn movie that DOESN'T feature multiple closeups of erect penises on their own, uninvolved with a female body. Its not uncommon for professional straight porn to feature fairly long scenes focused entirely on guys masturbating as they look at something the camera isn't showing.

Guys are naturally curious about other guys and naturally want to compare with them and identify with them.

So, with or without your SA, try not to feel bad about it.


Matt

Yes, I agree with you Matt in that we're curious about things.

I have tried to see things from a detached perspective, considering side possibilities I had not considered before.

This may work for some people, may not work for others, but it's important for me to actually understand what my feelings are and why I'm doing certain things. I also need to know if the reason for feeling uncomfortable resides on not meeting society's expectations of me or some other reason.

I do have a fixation on groins, but at this point I'm trying to ask provocative questions such as: and so what? why am I doing this? would this make me abnormal? what would it mean to me? do other people experience it?

By submitting my thoughts and anxieties to some sort of 'rational emotive' analysis, I have had good results that have ultimately helped me calm down and feel so much better about myself.

I, too, have major fixation on penises, and fantasize about other guys and their girth/length, is he gay, or will he suck me or let me suck him? I remember telling my T that I remember holding my cousin's penis in my hand before he would coax me into licking or sucking him while he got erect. I was abused by him from the age of 5 to 13; he was the "golden boy" the chosen "good kid" babysitter. He tried to penetrate me but never could fully because he was so big; I remember how it felt, his trying and accompanied whispers to relax and let him in. He was a star football player, handsome, built, six-pack, and large penis. Our sessions usually entailed me stroking his package and scrotum, and tasting it while he told me how good it should taste to me. I remember being taken by how large he was, and the smell of him, that man smell that I know of now because I have that smell. It's crazy; I try not to stare at other guys, but I do all the time. I hesitate to make friends with guys and stay guarded because of it. At the gym I try not to look, but the energy is overwhelming. I want to see, I would to admire the ripped bodies around me and stroke the swinging penises I try to see. I'm married and love sex with my wife (It's damn good typically). I have no desire to live and build a life with a man, however, I fantasize about sex with other guys constantly, and how big their penises may be. I'm ashamed that this gets me off in the worst way, but the urge is so strong to have sex with these men that I worry that I will, and in it, destroy my life; my urges have grown drastically stronger over the years, and when I'm upset, or stressed, all I want to do is find a willing guy..... (Can't believe I just said all of that) (Angry, embarrassed, guilty, ashamed, depressed, and erect) but trying hard not to be... trying hard not to be caught in the shadows of my abuser and this abuse. Trying hard to be a husband, friend, brother, and father that I can be proud of.....Lots of the time, I feel like I'm going crazy; how could a straight guy be so fixated on sucking cock? To even say it, makes me want to scream inside, I want to crawl out of myself...3 months of therapy down....hopefully, not a lifetime to go.......

I totally understand unfortunately; may we both find healing.

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