it's good to know i'm not alone in this battle ... though for me the twist comes in the form of being gay and married. for years i pushed the thought of my being fixated on men to being the result of my abuse. i too have had relationships with men - but for me they were usually very fulfilling, i did not feel empty, used, or guilty aftereward. other than the depression that i was married and finding out that maybe i never should have taken that step...

In general I feel very satisfied and connected after intimacy with my partner. Casual encounters with men generally left me feeling sort of empty, but very satisfied.

I think we might all agree that sexual encounters that are a result of acting out will likely be the ones that result in feelings of terrible disgust, shame, guilt, loathing, etc.

I agree with that evaluation. It even makes sense (to me, anyhoo) - if it's acting out based on a traumatic experience - it would tend to leave me "feeling dirty" ....

I'm gay, and I like penises very much.

The post about the "penis power trip" resonated with me, though.

I was in 2nd grade and I had two of my friends over after school to work on homework. We were sitting around the dining room table and my mom was out of sight in the kitchen. I desperately wanted these boys to like me. We were friends, but of course I didn't think anyone would ever truly be my friend. So I felt like I needed to entertain them. My mom made us a snack and would bustle in and our of the room every so often. I thought it would be funny if I started acting goofy when she was out of the room and then suddenly rever to staid normalcy when she returned. I started out with silly faces, but then escalated each time to get a better reaction. Eventually, I jumped on top of the table and pulled down my pants and waved my penis around.

Needless to say, this is one of those memories I usually block out of my conscious mind with my "It didn't happen" mantra -- as I remained in contact with these kids through elementary and high school, I was never able to look them in the eye again.

Dan

I was flattered with all the comments I got from men when they saw my penis. I luved seeing how their penis reacted when they saw mine. Like friends meeting each other. My penis brought me pleasure and I liked sharing my penis. My penis was a powertool and I could use it get anything I wanted from this pedos.

Now I have a life and my penis is not a Star anymore.

Greetings. I am new here.

I developed a penis fixation shortly after my CSA started when I was 10. A neighbor boy about 2-3 years older pressured me into masturbating with him. I didn't want to but he all but insisted. He said I didn't have to "go all the way". I had no clue then what that meant. When I reluctantly gave in and dropped my pants and underwear he laughed at my penis and called it a microscopic morsel. I was devastated. I became obsessed with other penises after this, including my dad's.

Bark

Welcome, Bark. I'm glad you found MS to help in your healing.

Welcome Barkabus glad you found us. Sorry you needed to. This kind of think is not unusual with victims of CSA especially if the focus has been on the penis and not the person himself. You are not the first to be curious about dad's equipment. I unfortunately got the delux up close and personal tour. Trust me it is not worth it. Make youself at home. Read, post, chat and vent as it all helps. If you have any questions click on someone's name that says moderator under it and send them a Private Message and they respond pretty well.

I have struggled with penis fixation for such a long time that I really thought I was the only one. Thank you for allowing me to share this journey with other men who know what a struggle this really is. I'm not gay, nor do I desire to be, but the fixation with the male body is overwhelming at times. I'm beginning to understand that it's not the fixation that I struggle with, but the reason I do it. It's because no matter what I do, I don't feel normal and if I don't feel normal then I must not be and if I must not be what good am I. My abuser told me for so long it was my fault that the false guilt makes me feel different. So, I guess I'm really looking so I see that I'm no different, but that is the problem, no matter how many sneak peaks I take, when I look in a mirrow, I still feel different. I'm in great physical shape, I run at least 5 miles a day, have six pack abs, but it's not enough. What can I do to break this distructive cycle?

Ridley:
See if there are any predictable patterns you can interrupt.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer2.html

Since you have the discipline to do the running and crunches, you can also put this one of a track for controlling. It will be difficult because there are some rewards associated with the behavior. But for many of us the choice between a Snickers bar and doing physical activity is not complicated. Sounds like you have willpower. That will help.