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#208323 - 03/01/08 08:19 PM Here's my story... In need of advice
standingbyhim Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 8
Hi Everyone. I'm in need of some advice and after reading some of the posts here I feel that someone can help me. Here's my story.

My husband & I have been married for 3 years, and we have an 18 month old daughter. He’s 23, I’m 25. About 2 years ago we started to have problems. We were constantly fighting, he was constantly angry and hardly ever spoke. After months of feeling down and depressed due to his actions, I decided to ask him for a divorce. He left a few days before Christmas, on my birthday. The next day he came to the house after work to talk to me. He informed me that he was sexually abused by 2 different men. The first incident happened once. The other was his uncle, and it went on for a period of 9 years. At first I was so shocked and upset that someone could do that to him, I just cried and told him that I loved him. After 2 days of processing all of this information, he started to go into full details of what happened. I was fine with it all, offering support, telling him that it wasn’t his fault etc. It wasn't until he told me where he had stayed the night he left that shocked me. He had stayed at his uncles house. I was completely horrified. Then he told me that he used to go there just for his uncle to abuse him. After it would happen he would threaten his uncle and make him buy him things like cars, dirt bikes etc. The other day he said to me that he still thinks about going there a lot. Is this typical behavior of a survivor? This is killing me inside.

This is the part that I am very confused about. He is in the process of speaking with the police to report his uncle. He says that he is ready to deal with this now, because as soon as he tells the police everything will be fixed and he can just close the door on it. I told him about this site and how I’ve learned so much already, and he said that he doesn’t need to talk about it & that he will be fine. Seriously, I think that he is in denial. I have done a lot of reading and even speaking to my therapist about it, and I know that the recovery process is a long one. Do you think that it is possible that once he “gets it out” he will be fine, or is that just & wishful thinking?

After a lot of thinking I told him that if he wants to stay married that he must go to therapy. Was this the right thing to do? I don’t want to force him, but at the same time, I cannot go back to the old “us”. Please someone just help me out here. I love my husband with all of my heart and soul, and would die for him. I tell him this everyday, and today he finally said that he is ready to deal with this because he truly feels loved and that we have an unbreakable bond. My heart is just hearting for him, me & our daughter right now. Thank you everyone for this site!

~Tiffany


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#208325 - 03/01/08 08:29 PM Re: Here's my story... In need of advice [Re: standingbyhim]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
http://www.secasa.com.au/index.php/survivors/9/57 good read--------------------------------a preson doesnt just get over it-----------------------with out help from a good shrink---------------------and the help from all of the great people here--------------------steve


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#208326 - 03/01/08 08:44 PM Re: Here's my story... In need of advice [Re: sabata]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Tiffany your absolutely right in your istincts. He will not get over it just because he gets it out. He will continue to feel guilt and shame for his part in going back which is not uncommon in survivors. I did it myself. Denial? you bet. There are people here much more quailfied to talk to you about this. Thanks for coming here you did the right thing.
I must also say you are a terrific and courageous woman to do this and to stand by him. He will need lots of love patience and support and it will be hard. Hang in there and keep coming back. It would help him too to come here when he is ready but it will have to be on his time. This kind of thing can't be rushed. I know I have tried. I am still dealing with my abuse and my wife bless her heart, is still loving and helping me.

All my best to you and your survivor. You are one now. The pain will be shared.


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#208330 - 03/01/08 09:12 PM Re: Here's my story... In need of advice [Re: Freedom49]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I told my husband he needed to seek help to keep this marriage. I'm not "forcing him". He owns every choice he makes. I however, get to own mine. I get to decide what I'm willing to live with and what I'm not. Having said that, it was not hard in my case once he actually opened up and told me what had happened after 18 (gasp, yes 18) years. I didn't know that there was something there to work on, just thought he was one angry man. After a few shakey weeks he said he will get help. I have been very loving and understanding and supportive, but I'm still stand behind the need to keep moving forward. It will take time. It will be hard, but standing still is not an option for ME. I've also started therapy so I'm not giving my husband any of my feelings that he may not be able to handle right now. You are a strong person. You are in the right place. Keep loving him. He needs you. Chin up!

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#208465 - 03/02/08 01:12 PM Re: Here's my story... In need of advice [Re: dangal]
standingbyhim Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 8
Thank you everyone for your responses. This is still all so new to me, but thankfully, being here has answered so many of my questions. My relationship actually makes sense to me now! I feel like there is hope for us.

Can I ask a question though? If my husband still feels like nothing "terrible" happened, why is he turning his abusers in? He keeps saying that they can burn in hell, but then the next day he's crying because he doesn't want his uncle to be mad at him. I can't even begin to imagine what he's feeling. He did tell me that he is going to see if the detectives can point him in the direction of a therapist. Maybe just maybe he can begin to start healing with these steps & my support. I sure hope so.

~Tiffany


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#208488 - 03/02/08 03:31 PM Re: Here's my story... In need of advice [Re: standingbyhim]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Tiffany,
That horrible ambivalance it common due the fact that we are dealing with almost two different individuals here. Our adult rational intelligent self who knows right from wrong and wants to do the right thing and our little boy inside who just wants to be loved, cared for and accepted. It will take some time to intergrate the two and probably not a little counseling but it can be done and the healing will be good. What your experiencing and observing in him is not unusual and he will be very confused by all of this until he understands where the emotions are coming from. Hang in there your doing the right thing in coming here as questioning.


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#208588 - 03/03/08 09:59 AM Re: Here's my story... In need of advice [Re: Freedom49]
standingbyhim Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 8
Free-

Thanks for the response. I don't know how I'm going to do this, but I will. I've been with him 5 years already, and in the 2 months since he has told me, some days I feel closer to him than ever. All I can do is continue with my T and pray for now!! Thanks again.

Tiff


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#208627 - 03/03/08 04:20 PM Re: Here's my story... In need of advice [Re: standingbyhim]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Tiffany,
I am sorry that your husband had to deal with this, and that now you are having to cope with all of the aftermath too.
It sounds like you have a lot going for you both, but I have found this to be a good place to find support. There are many, many different resources available to help you, whenever you feel the need for them. It's never the same process for any two people (or couples) but much can be learned from the sharing.
I really admire both of you for your courage to move forward, together, as best as you can. Good luck to you.
Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#208676 - 03/03/08 09:14 PM Re: Here's my story... In need of advice [Re: honey girl]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi Tiffany,

Welcome to MS. I'm sorry you and your husband are going through this, but you've found a very good place to help your through.

Your husband's inner turmoil is understandable and typical of a child/man who was abused by a trusted family member. Most times, there is love there. Unfortunately, the adult perverted that love, causing the distrust, hate, love - all around confusion that your husband is feeling. Your husband knows that what happened was wrong, which is why he wants to turn his uncle in to the cops. But at the same time, he has yet to figure out that he didn't have any part in the wrong so he's torn and needs to tell himself that it wasn't that bad.

The fact that he went back to his uncle and turned the tables on him by doing what he wanted and then demanding things is making it very hard for him. What he doesn't see is that he was reacting to what he'd been taught. It wasn't right, but it was all he knew. IT WAS NOT HIS FAULT that the abuser made him feel that the only way he was entitled to love or things was to do exactly what the abuser taught him.

Has your husband talked to the police yet? If he hasn't, I personally think he should hold off for a little bit, at least until after he's spoken with a T a few times. Being a witness in the prosecution of a csa case is one of the most stressful things I can imagine. I'd want everyone in my corner that I could gather before taking that huge step.

ROCK ON..........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#208739 - 03/04/08 06:34 AM Re: Here's my story... In need of advice [Re: standingbyhim]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
standingbyhim,

Originally Posted By: standingbyhim
It wasn't until he told me where he had stayed the night he left that shocked me. He had stayed at his uncles house. I was completely horrified. Then he told me that he used to go there just for his uncle to abuse him. After it would happen he would threaten his uncle and make him buy him things like cars, dirt bikes etc. The other day he said to me that he still thinks about going there a lot. Is this typical behavior of a survivor? This is killing me inside.


What you are seeing here is how totally sexual abuse can destroy a boy emotionally. I can tell you I went back repeatedly to the abuser and even joined the school chorus so I would have an excuse for being home late from school. There were lots of reasons. I felt worthless and didn't think I deserved any better treatment. All the rest of my life was full of lying, pretending, faking, all to cover up what was happening to me; so when I was with the abuser that was the only time I felt real, in a way. And yes, I liked the sexual gratification, even though I didn't understand it (I was 10 when it began) and felt frightened. My body responded to what he was doing so I believed him when he said this means all this is my decision too. "Yes, of course the good feelings mean it's okay. If it wasn't okay it wouldn't feel good."

And on and on and on. It's a boy's own private crazy hell, Tiffany, and so much of it makes no sense at all unless you have lived through it and have professional help to work through things. But then, what's sensible about seeking sex with a innocent defenseless child in the first place?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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