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#208101 - 02/29/08 04:31 PM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: Freedom49]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2582
I've been doing pretty well with not disconnecting, only trouble is I haven't be able to "finish" as they say since then, and even any drive to MB has really gone way way down to the point where I haven't at all. I'm ok with it right now, figuring that as things are dealt with it'll get better.

Sorry if that's TMI.


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#208107 - 02/29/08 06:03 PM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: JustScott]
BMF Offline


Registered: 01/27/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Toronto
Hi Scott,

This is my first posting on the F&F side, so it feels a little strange jumping into water so deep.

When I left LJA during my meltdown, I also had problems with finishing. It was due to a combination of things; fatigue and depression, but mostly severe guilt. From what I know about sexual addiction, people can go through periods ranging from obsession to anorexia. I've been there. What I discovered is that the more I worried about it, the worse it got. Once I had partly resolved my error in judgment with LJA, and my future looked brighter, things improved immensely. I think this phenomenon probably holds true for anything that plays in the back of our minds and distracts us from the here and now.

BMF

_________________________
If a man's character is to be abused, say what you will, there's nobody like a relation to do the business.
- William Makepeace Thackery

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#208290 - 03/01/08 05:03 PM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: Freedom49]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
The issues I have in my marriage with sex is that he does not have a super sex drive, and I do. He likes simple and quiet and I like bells and whistles and whatever else. If I talk, it bothers him, if I want to do something different, he shuts down...now, this has been a huge issue, maninly because I didn't know about his abuse. I thought it was me, I was wrong, he would even go as far as to tell me I was addicted to sex because I wanted it more. Things made him uncomfortable that I didn't think should. I didn't think he was attracted to me. Add onto that the name calling and rages and I pretty much thought I was not good enough for this man. Knowing about this is all very new, so I have not even began to deal with the sex relationship between us. I did ask him if he thought his level of desire had anything to do with it and he said he didn't think so....I think so, but this is all going to be baby steps. I'm working things out for myself with our therapist. I just have to give him some time.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#208294 - 03/01/08 05:15 PM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: dangal]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Jen,
I just had a lot of trouble having sex with my wife due to the fact that I was unconciously equating it with the sex that occurred duing my abuse. I could not separate it from that. I did all kinds of mental gymnastics to have sex and please her because I loved her but honestly it was hard. It brought back so many memories and was so confusing I think I at times would just go someplace in my heat during till it was over or she was satisfied. Very mechanical and not very rewarding for her. I think that is why when the urge for it came on me I would either meet a guy for quick anonymous sex or just MB because it was quick, easy and there was no emotional mental gymnastics to deal with.
I can't believe I just wrote that and am thinking of posting this on the net......
Well, if it helps any of you to understand your H better I guess it will be worth the humiiiation.

Anyway, If my wife and I can re sexualize me so that I no longer equate the feeling of sexual desire with abuse it will be worth if for both of us.
dear god is there such a thing as to open.


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#208299 - 03/01/08 05:23 PM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: Freedom49]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Thanks! Don't feel humilated! I think it's very caring that you would put yourself out there to help others. I'm the one in the end that started being a robot because it really was not that great for me the same way, routine, over and over and ONLY when I bugged him about getting down to some business. I'm hoping my dh can open up more as the time goes on so that the communcations can help us. I made the mistake of telling him I loved him once (durning the act)and that turned out not very nice for me. He just pushed me off him. NOW it all makes sense. THEN I thought, dear lord, all I am is a object for him, not something he loves during. Healing is coming, I know it. THANKS again for telling me!

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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