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#208257 - 03/01/08 02:54 PM Dot dot dot
BMF Offline


Registered: 01/27/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Toronto
I just came to a realization. I had already realized that I feel like I own all of this shit that was thrust upon me at a very young age. I had already realized that the guilt and shame I've been carrying has been responsible for me not feeling good about myself. What I didn't realize is how defensive and hypersensitive to criticism I've been because of it. I've been living with the duality of KNOWING that it was my fault, and KNOWING that it wasn't. The flipping back and forth between these two states has caused me a great deal of confusion. I now realize that I've been walking into every conversation with my wife being defensive and resentful, sometimes even vengeful. She didn't create my mess (nor did I), but transference has done a number on her. Also, with this crap constantly playing in the back of my mind, there is no room for anyone else's needs to be met. So, I was lied to and told I was complicit...dot dot dot...my wife gets shit on. Of course, why didn't I see it right away? \:D

BMF

_________________________
If a man's character is to be abused, say what you will, there's nobody like a relation to do the business.
- William Makepeace Thackery

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#208259 - 03/01/08 03:03 PM Re: Dot dot dot [Re: BMF]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
We can't see this stuff BMF because we are to much into denial nd to much into feeling the bad. Once we find a good T or a plce like this where we can really look at our selves it the mirror of a another persons eyes who has not ax to grind or who has no dog in this fight, we get to really see the truth. .

Others have tried to me stuff to help me but I have always written it off as part of some agenda of theirs. A definate trust issue. This place is a real breath of fresh air.

Good luck to you and your sweetie BTW


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#209034 - 03/05/08 08:50 PM Re: Dot dot dot [Re: Freedom49]
BMF Offline


Registered: 01/27/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Toronto
Thanks Roger,

I've decided that I'm going to do some inner child work, in order to try to convince my "little BMF" that he/I was not responsible for his/my abuse. I also want to convince him/me that making mistakes does not automatically make an abuser - something that I clearly find impossible to bear the thought of.

I bought the book "Recovery of Your Inner Child" by Lucia Capacchione on John Oarc's recommendation. Since he recently graduated from MS University, it seems like quite an endorsement.

I've decided to take this step in spite of the skepticism I naturally hold as a scientist. My emotions can turn off SO completely that I feel dead inside, and sometimes (later) worry that my behavior is verging on sociopathic. I can demonstrate a complete lack of empathy when dealing with my wife's trauma - the trauma that I caused.

I've also decided to change my avatar to a photo of myself. A depressed robot is not exactly how I want to envision myself anymore. I find the pictures of all the survivors on this site extremely moving.

BMF

_________________________
If a man's character is to be abused, say what you will, there's nobody like a relation to do the business.
- William Makepeace Thackery

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#209037 - 03/05/08 09:28 PM Re: Dot dot dot [Re: BMF]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
BMF I think that is a great idea. Little BMF has been clamering for attention for some time and I am glad he is now going to get it. I love you new avatar. I notice he is smiling big. Soon you will be too but I warn you there will be tears. Some of sadness and mourning of loss. Some of happiness when the truths are revealed and the lies melt away. There will be regrets and remorse probably but you are moving on and this is a great step in that direction. God bless you both.




Edited by Freedom49 (03/05/08 09:29 PM)

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#209122 - 03/06/08 12:04 PM Re: Dot dot dot *DELETED* [Re: BMF]
awakening Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 342
Post deleted by awakening


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#209179 - 03/06/08 06:37 PM Re: Dot dot dot [Re: awakening]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
BMF,

I think there are good reasons for why we don't see things right away. One of the most important of these reasons is that as adults we relate to the world around us using our rationality and reason - or we like to think that's what we do. But the feelings we carry with us from the abuse of our childhood are all about emotions, and emotions can so easily over rule reason. I think that's what's happening to you when you say this:

Quote:
I've been living with the duality of KNOWING that it was my fault, and KNOWING that it wasn't. The flipping back and forth between these two states has caused me a great deal of confusion.


That is, as an adult you know rationally that it wasn't your fault. How can it be the fault of a defenseless child? But the little boy within you always believed it was his fault, and that feeling continues today.

Does this way of seeing things help you?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#209221 - 03/06/08 09:38 PM Re: Dot dot dot [Re: awakening]
BMF Offline


Registered: 01/27/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Toronto
thanks awakening. I appreciate the kind words and validation. It HAS been exhausting.

Larry, thanks for the perspective. As usual, your words are very helpful.

BMF

_________________________
If a man's character is to be abused, say what you will, there's nobody like a relation to do the business.
- William Makepeace Thackery

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