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#208255 - 03/01/08 02:45 PM Do I have what it takes as a man?
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Good question.
What is a man?
I have never felt that I had what it takes.
I have hidden that insecurity deep inside.
I have bluffed my way through life.
Mostly it has worked.
The times it didnít were painful.
But I hid during those times.
I learned what I did wrong.
I faked it better next time.

You all got the book.
You all got the rules.

I never knew there was a book.
My dad never showed me that book.
I donít think he knew the rules either.
Humiliation after embarrassment,
Thatís how I learned.
Slowly, how life works.
At this age in my life I am pretty good at it.
It was rough though.
I have the scars to prove it.
Big scars.
I will show you mine,
If you show me yours.
Some are still fresh.
Some still bleed.
But I am learning faster now.
I may get this thing down before I die.
Then what?


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#208261 - 03/01/08 03:28 PM Re: Do I have what it takes as a man? [Re: Freedom49]
BMF Offline


Registered: 01/27/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Toronto
Roger,

We may not have had role models, and we may have started out broken, but there is so much truth to "it's how far you've come". I'm familiar with some of your postings, and I know you've come a very, very long way.

BMF

_________________________
If a man's character is to be abused, say what you will, there's nobody like a relation to do the business.
- William Makepeace Thackery

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#208262 - 03/01/08 03:30 PM Re: Do I have what it takes as a man? [Re: Freedom49]
arronb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Perth
Hey Roger ...

I think you're doing a fine job as man ... you show compassion, give guidance and dispense the love where it's needed all over the forums here ... no finer qualities in a man if you ask me \:\)

_________________________
Keep Smilin'
arronb

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#208301 - 03/01/08 05:32 PM Re: Do I have what it takes as a man? [Re: arronb]
bikergary Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 32
Loc: Nevada
Roger.
It takes manly courage, guts, and strength to get this far. Often we do not realize how far we have come. Keep up the good work.
Gary

_________________________
WoR Alumni - Hope Springs, Oct 23-25, 2009

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#208303 - 03/01/08 05:44 PM Re: Do I have what it takes as a man? [Re: bikergary]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
i can relate so well --------------roger


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#208321 - 03/01/08 08:16 PM Re: Do I have what it takes as a man? [Re: sabata]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1970
It is my opinion, after all that I have felt and seen, that a man is not what a man is always portrayed as.

I think a true man is honest, lives by his word, has empathy for others, is willing to thing deeply about life, is a good person, doesn't care much for lies and deceptions, tries to lead a good life knowing it can be hard sometimes given what we all have to deal with (whether having experienced csa or not).

I think the qualities that make for a good man, are the same qualities that make for a good person. Roger, my impression of you is that you are a pretty good person and therefore are a good man as well.

I try not to buy into what the popular culture and media define as to what a man should be. I think most of that is a bunch of crap and baloney. I do understand what you are saying though, but I think a lot of what is defined as manhood can be sort fake and unreal. Not that it is easy to not get caught up in this and want to be seen in these lights, but not really realistic in many ways either. I have a lot to work on in this area as well.


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#208335 - 03/01/08 09:31 PM Re: Do I have what it takes as a man? [Re: ericc]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Ditto for me.
I don't drink beer and watch sports.
I show emotions.
I don't make off color comments about the new girl at work.
I don't engage in locker room talk with the guys.
I work on cars but I don;t live for Nascar.
At least there are the things I have noticed about me that are not like
the average manly man!
But I am A MAN DARN IT!!!!!!!!

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_ŰŅŰ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#208537 - 03/02/08 10:35 PM Re: Do I have what it takes as a man? [Re: GateKPR4]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
And that last is one of the many things I like about you Ricky.


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#208551 - 03/02/08 11:50 PM Re: Do I have what it takes as a man? [Re: Freedom49]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Roger, I know you are a good man, I believe you are a good man.

But let's explore this for a second; what makes a good man?

I think it boils down to knowing the difference between right and wrong, and choosing the right no matter the cost. Some things you just can't compromise.

We can blame ourselves for the transgressions of the past, but the proof of the pudding is in how we move forward. Sure, we have a past to deal with, but will we use that as an excuse? No, a good man will be concerned about the past, but not obsessed with it. He will learn from it an never forget it, lest he repeat it. He will be better than he was taught.

Roger, you are much better than you were taught. You turned out OK. We know you have issues, but your experience has taught you so much. Don't let those issues make you who you are now. They are a part of you, but they are not you.

You are a good man; an honest man; a just man. You are not a deviant, or a pervert or a criminal. You are just a man.

You are just a man. Whatever that means...

Don't know why I had to post to this, but just had to...

R

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#209507 - 03/08/08 07:24 AM Re: Do I have what it takes as a man? [Re: Lazarus]
spirit of winter Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/08/08
Posts: 19
Loc: Weaver Alabama
I am the man I have always wanted to be. I have always been here and will continue to always be here. I will strive to fully accept myself as a man who is complete and manly in every aspect that counts: responsible for himself and his family, able to express himself, able to cry as I need to, able to play and be the child he loved and still is deep inside, is sexually desirable and is able to feel the sexual/emotional connection of two people who love each other deeply and truly, and is able to fully experience sex as it was meant to be felt through the heart and to the soul. A man who is caring of others feelings and can empathize with the feelings of others but also knows he has no responsibility for the feelings of others. A man who is beautiful inside and out. A man that has overcome great adversity throughout his life. a man who is overcoming his worst enemy, himself, his old self. A man who now enjoys the small things in life: a donut and chocolate milk, a cuddle before sleep. A man who knows when he needs a hug, and can emotionally and physically appreciate it and feel it. A man who knows when someone else needs a hug and can caringly give them that support. A man who is not afraid of a long fight with inner demons and irrational feelings. A man who through love for himself is a better person for himself and those around him.

What is it to be a man? It is all these things for me and a lot more I dont even understand. But I know the child I have been for 30 years was not able to live up to this. Was incapable of emotionally advancing into manhood, yet was trapped in a mans body with no understanding of what it meant and searched society for the answer and got lies in return.

I dont have to be anything but me! People dont love me because Im a strong muscle bound man or because I have a huge dick, or because I am like John Wayne all macho with no emotion, suck it up, etc. and even though I was an angry asshole, they loved the man I could never see, the man I have always been and couldnt recognize.

So being a man is being me. Accepting who I am and where I came from. I have become a true man by battling and overcoming sexual abuse and surviving a life of misconceptions and lies. I have become a man by realizing that life can and is about personal fulfillment and joy brought about by loving others and allowing myself to feel their love in return. I became a man at age 35 by accepting the darkest memories, the aftermath and battling to get my manliness, my masculinity, the true me back from the fog of pain, anger, haterd, confusion, and lies.

I am a man today at 35 because I love myself inside and out. I am a man today because of the hope I hold in my heart. I am a man today because of the support of a woman I only recently deserved. But most importantly, I am a man today because I have learned to love and accept the part of me that was abused and hurt and thrown away into the darkness. I am a man, a true man, today and I will be a man of love, compassion, caring, strength, and hope tomorrow and ever after. This is my promise, my legacy to myself. To continue changing and growing into the man I am and making myself, my life, and my families lives better by being the man I am and always wanted to be.

I wrote this during a real insecure, depresive day, and keep a copy with me and read it daily. I hope this helps and/or inspires someone else.

_________________________
I want to be me. I want to be whole. I want to be the loving person me and my wife and family deserve. Mostly I want to feel like I deserve to live without fear of people, of who I am, of intimacy, and without fear of a past I canít change.

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