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#208231 - 03/01/08 12:38 PM The reason I didn't finish college?
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1539
Loc: New Jersey
A kid came in the computer store where I work and he looked to be around 12-13 (I'm always trying to figure out kids ages to see if I can remember what it was like back then). Then the mom mentions he's taking "college courses", which usually means that they are taking AP (advanced placement) courses which can get credits from college. This is usually a high school thing not a middle school 7th/8th grade thing. I thought I'd google "middle school AP classes" to see if they indeed did offer them. I found an article that said that some schools do but that it may not be a good idea to push your kids
"Middle school is an important period of growth for children. There are, of course, the hormonal changes and the growing importance of peer relations. But what is learned in the classroom at this time is equally important for middle school youth. "Middle school is when most of the basics are taught," says Stacy DeBroff, author of The Mom Book Goes to School (Free Press, 2005). "So much is built on the middle school education. If kids are put into accelerated classes but can't keep up, they get lost." And once lost in a middle school class, there is a risk of being lost throughout the rest of their school career. "
(http://att.iparenting.com/preteenagers/honorsclass.htm)

Now I'm thinking that all the chaos of CSA during 7th and the beginning of 8th grade really set me up for failure in school because I didn't really understand the basics that I would have been taught in middle school. I remember having so much trouble in math in highschool that I basically dropped down to the lowest level of classes (level 4) because I couldn't understand the work because I was expected to know more of the work from previous years.

Anyway, I know that there is more to why I didn't finish college but I think this just added to my frustration and lack of self esteem.

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#208236 - 03/01/08 12:54 PM Re: The reason I didn't finish college? [Re: onlyakid]
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1794
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
I started college in 1988 and made it through the middle of my jr year when I figured out that I wasn't cut out for the work. I slacked off, drank too much, and quit/got kicked out.

I happend to start working on the same campus around 1998 and looked into what I could do to finish that degree. Well it took me until 2006 one class at a time to finally do it... almost 20 years. The difference this time was I did it for me, and I wanted to do the work, and I had fun with it.

You have plenty of time J to figure out what to do.

Cheers!


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#208241 - 03/01/08 01:29 PM Re: The reason I didn't finish college? [Re: Curtis St. John]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I would suspect that your parents share a great deal of the blame here. If your grades (like mine) were plummeting sometime after your abuse occurred, and they failed to enforce you into some kind of academic standard of achievement, then I say that they SET YOU UP for failure. There simply is NO GOD DAMNED excuse for letting your child fail or just scrape by in school, NONE.

I'm in much the same boat as you Jason, I now have to, at this late stage in my life, learn how to just fucking learn. I tried college 4 times, I dropped out because of anger and frustration issues each time. I don't know HOW anyone just sits through all that crap and actually LEARNS from it. I study and study FAR too long just to get D's on my tests.

Oh, and just because, by some fucking miracle, you actually graduate college, you STILL have to land a job, and that is such a fun thing to do too.


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#208242 - 03/01/08 01:34 PM Re: The reason I didn't finish college? [Re: Hauser]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
failed 2nd grade 6 th grade------quit high school-----------------------steve


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#208279 - 03/01/08 04:27 PM Re: The reason I didn't finish college? [Re: sabata]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
Jason,

You can finish college if you put your mind to it. Just like Curtis, I left college before I finished my studies. Looking back, I think I did everything I could to sabatage my success. I think it all boiled down to low self-esteem and a feeling of worthlessness. In the last year I have started back and I am set to graduate next June. I will 30 years later, but I will graduate.

So, the moral of the story is you can do it...like recovery, it is one step at a time.


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#208345 - 03/01/08 10:39 PM Re: The reason I didn't finish college? [Re: DanM]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1871
Loc: durham, north england
I'm really sorry, and I know with my qualifications I have no write to talk at all, but having constant abuse throughout secondary school, I very much appreciate the difficulty with working, which then severely caused me trouble when i got to my A-levels, not so much in the matter of understanding, but in the matter of sitting down and actively concentrating, putting effort into work etc.

For me, work at school was a time when I wasn't being hurt and abused, ---- in fact I really looked forward to mock exams and other tests, sinse being Vi I was stuck in a separate room (often all day), and thus nobody had the chance to hurt or abuse me. I tried to use classrooms and doing homework as a way to hide during break and lunch time, but because classrooms were frequently vandelized by unsupervised pupils, I was quite often slung outside where abuse happened.

I didn't particularly put effort into the work, I simply just learned by wrote and remembered. I ended up with vaguely reasonable grades, but not I think anything like what I would have got if I'd been less numb and afraid and been able to actually put effort into what I was doing.

at one point, I considdered suing the school where these things happened, but the lawyer I spoke to said sinse I hadn't dropped out of school, and had gone on to university, I hadn't been adversely affected by the bullying or the abuse, therefore had no grounds to blame the school.

I'm really sorry for butting in on this thread, and I absolutely appologise, sinse obviously I was lucky enough to somehow become a graduate, though I have no idea as to how, but the combination of abuse and school just really resonates with me so much.


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#208380 - 03/02/08 07:08 AM Re: The reason I didn't finish college? [Re: dark empathy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jason,

I made it through college, but only because a safe and caring professor noticed I was in bad shape and took me under his wing. I was thinking the whole time, "When is he going to do me?" And then when he didn't show any sexual interest in me I felt ugly and unwanted. What a mess.

I think the real message for you, my friend, is in Curtis' post. I am a college professor now and I get LOTS of what we call "mature students" - people coming back to college years later in life. I really respect them and I know my colleagues do as well; they are there because they have goals and WANT to be there, and they are a joy to teach.

I have also often found that they are an inspiration to the younger students, who in Germany tend to be 20-year-olds who have just finished their military/civil service. They look up to the "mature students", come up to them to chat or ask for advice in the Institute cafe, and attach to them kind of like big brothers, second parents, or even grandmothers, depending how much older the mature student is. It's interesting to see this happening, and pretty cool too.

So the point is that if your college degree is something you want, go for it. Don't be deterred by thoughts that you can't do it or it's too late for you. I see the proof to the contrary sitting in front of me every single semester!

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#208552 - 03/02/08 11:52 PM Re: The reason I didn't finish college? [Re: roadrunner]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
What if you can't see yourself being good at or at least better than most at whatever it is you're studying? What if you can't even envision yourself actually doing the job that you're going to school to acquire the necessary skills in order to obtain the position? How the fuck are you supposed to feel motivated to do this crap when you study for hours at a time and get D's? What if you don't like doing anything that college teaches? What if you think you like something, then you take the class and find out you can't handle it? What if everything in your brain tells you that you don't belong there? Not all of us are wired to "learn" the same ways, especially in the dry and bureaucratic atmosphere that formal classrooms offer. I fucking hate it there, and I don't know how any of you muster the discipline to stick it out. I can't handle one class for a single semester. I do ok for a few weeks, then..............oh forget it.


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#208709 - 03/03/08 11:26 PM Re: The reason I didn't finish college? [Re: Hauser]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1955
Jason,

Hang in there and keep looking up. I have been following this thread, and have wanted to jump in a few times, but just wasn't sure what to say. I recovered the memories of my past literally the last day of my freshman year in college (I took my last final, went back to my dorm and indulged a little, and started thinking way too hard about things). I went from my freshman year getting pretty much straight A's and loving life (I was 1000 miles away from all the BS and crap, and I really was into learning) to pretty much falling apart and struggling big time. I did get through somehow, but I carry inside me a lot of pain for having it turn into what it turned into for me (there is a whole volume's worth of material there if I wanted). Getting even a little teary eyed thinking about it.

I just wanted to say that it took me a while to actually complete my last classes. But, I have to echo what others are saying in that if you desire to get back into college, then don't feel ashamed to do it. I know there are people of all ages that are in college, and truly you would not be out of place.

Oh, I forgot what originally drew me to your post; the whole middle school thing. I started out middle school being ostracized by my peers in my new neighborhood (for no fault of mine) who held sway in popular opinion. My family situation didn't do much to help around these times. And I was still surviving. Then I got SA'ed by a peer by the time middle school was about done. Ugg!!! It was drugs, alcohol, acting out, and repression after that. Man, I never wanted those things!! I did okay scholastically after that, but in so many other areas I was completely lost and gone. Sorry to have had to thrown that in there, I just needed to get that out.

But very seriously, if you have the desire get back into school, don't let any fears hold you back. In fact, you might have a better sense now of what it is you are interested, and that could make it a more fulfilling experience.

Eric


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#208714 - 03/04/08 01:59 AM Re: The reason I didn't finish college? [Re: ericc]
KeithR Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/06
Posts: 363
Loc: Georgia
Jason,

I'm really tired so didn't read all the posts, just yours. I think what you said makes perfect sense. Oddly though, in my case, I think I may well have never been to college if not for the abuse. I was the only one in my family to go. And if memory serves me, my grades greatly improved "after". I think inside I was trying to find something else to focus on, and find a for sure way that I woould be able to get away from the situation and memories of it. It's wierd how differently people can be affected.

Keith


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#208964 - 03/05/08 11:53 AM Re: The reason I didn't finish college? [Re: KeithR]
J.R. Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/07
Posts: 299
Loc: United States
I started college right after I graduated high school, and that was probably not the best idea. I went to college just because it was "the thing to do". Well, I did OK the first semester, but after that I went downhill. I noticed it's not only with college, but many things, that I just can't finish what I start, whether a project, school, work, etc. Anybody have any insight for me? I started drinking, hanging out with "friends" who didn't have my best interest in mind and all that happy jazz. Well, I eventually left and dropped out. Now I am back in college, and am doing well, but feel like it's too much stress right now with all the abuse recovery I am dealing with. I'll finish this semester, but I don't know if I shoudl continue next semester, or wait a while? I wish you the best.

JR


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#208972 - 03/05/08 01:01 PM Re: The reason I didn't finish college? [Re: J.R.]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
For me, school was a total disaster from the time the SA started till I was 26+ and made another attempt at it.

Grades 1-2: Perfect..."true college material" they called me.
Grades 2-8: I can barely remember ever engaging in my education at all.

Highschool: It took me 5 years to get through it all..and even with that extra year, I barely had enough credits to graduate.

age 18: Attempted a community college...fully failed

age 20: Computer Tech School for 9 months...did really well and ended up working in the computer field in the 1980s...but the mental deamons were on my trail.

age 26: "woke up" in Germany during a drunken, drugged-out stupor, while consulting for a company there. Realized I needed an education and returned to the states...went to State College. By know, I had enough of my head screwed on right to do well in school. I realy engaged it for all it had to offer.

age 30: Graduated from State College and was accepted to an MBA program at a Big East school.

age 32: Graduated with an MBA in Marketing.

So Jason, your future path is not etched in stone. Things can change as time goes on. I had to be bold and just close my eyes and jump into things to make change happen for me.

BTW: I try not to equate my sence of self worth with what I do for work, my income or my education. I found those to be empty and futile pursuits. If you see in the member's section what is going on with me, you'll understand...money, position, education....it needs to be kept in perspective.



Edited by Robbie Brown (03/05/08 01:37 PM)
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#209074 - 03/06/08 04:00 AM Re: The reason I didn't finish college? [Re: Still]
copenbay Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi,

Though I did make it through college, it sure took a look time. I dropped out once, for about five years, less than a year away from graduation. For me, sixth and seventh grades were very rough. My concentration was mostly on staying alive, in one piece, during that time. It took most of the next two years to catch up to where I was supposed to be, though I'm a fairly intelligent person.
Of course, my college degree hasn't helped me a great deal. I mostly work temp jobs, because I hate the rejection process of interviews. So it's more than just hard work to get ahead in any way, and struggles are understandable. Maybe not the final say, but that's not my call.
Though I'm a graduate, I think I'm probably still a disappointment to most of my family, who think I'm an underachiever, and don't see why I don't have better jobs, more success, etc.
I did enjoy studies, for the most part, but that doesn't always carry over to selling myself to any employer or believing I can do any job presented to me. Strange how CSA can change your view of yourself to the point that success turns to survival, and even accepting yourself as a decent human being rather than a piece of shit takes a lot of work.
Bottom line: grad or no grad, success in this life may have much more to do with the man you are, rather than who others expect you to be, and being content with enjoying where you are, even if it's not where you want to be yet.

Ed


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