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#207259 - 02/25/08 06:26 AM Glacial pace
BMF Offline


Registered: 01/27/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Toronto
I think it's "Allies in Healing" that mentions the "glacial pace" at which recovery occurs. My question is, why MUST this be? Surely, if we rationally know something to be other than we feel it, we can think our way into different behavior? Rationally, I know it's not my wife who caused my abuse, yet I often put her in the same "can't be trusted" category as my abuser. My subconscious often wins the battle. I know, I know...we develop defense mechanisms as a child that save us, but no longer work as adults. As an adult, I KNOW this is the case, but it doesn't necessarily translate to how I behave. I can feel things changing inside me, but that doesn't necessarily translate to any expression of change outwardly. It's fear that keeps us down, but if we rationally know that the fear is stale, that we're NOT going to get raped, surely there must be some way we can move along at a faster pace (something not in the geological time frame). I'm not talking about getting around the problem, I'm talking about going through it without wasting time worrying about things that cannot possibly do us harm.

I'm interested in hearing about things you may have done to speed up the process, not statements about how we must accept this. I don't accept it. I guess I'm just angry. I didn't ask for this crap, and I want to fix it ASAP!

_________________________
If a man's character is to be abused, say what you will, there's nobody like a relation to do the business.
- William Makepeace Thackery

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#208035 - 02/29/08 10:08 AM Re: Glacial pace [Re: BMF]
BMF Offline


Registered: 01/27/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Toronto
I guess this thread is a flop. Maybe people feel invalidated by my comments. If this is the case, I am truly sorry. Am I the only person feeling impatient with their own recovery? I'm pissed off that the very things I need to progress at what I consider to be a reasonable rate have been damaged by my abuse. I'm pissed off because the longer I take, the more of a drain I am on my wife, whom I love dearly. She is "collateral damage" in my inner war. Does it have to be this way? What are some techniques that might help prevent me from letting my vigilance push any loving I may have given off the radar by a perceived threat? I'm going to start some inner child work (thanks Larry "roadrunner" and John Oarc). I hope this is the fastest most effective way to victory/freedom.

BMF

_________________________
If a man's character is to be abused, say what you will, there's nobody like a relation to do the business.
- William Makepeace Thackery

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#208040 - 02/29/08 10:37 AM Re: Glacial pace [Re: BMF]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2590
I don't think it's a flop. For me I read it and just didn't know what to say.

I'm just starting myself, and I agree, it doesn't feel fast enough. I want it fixed, I want it better, and I don't want to accept a slow pace.

My wife is hurting as well. I'm hurting for her, and yes, I hate being a drain on her. She feels at the end of her rope after two months, what will a "glacial pace" do to her!!!

Only thing I've found helpful has been being very open with her. I decided early on to to open those barriers and let her in as deep as I could. It's hard, but the closeness I've felt from it has helped, but then I've got an amazingly understanding wife. I told her just yesterday about my past porn addiction, which she thought was over before we got married but I had to tell her it was long after that it finally went away, and then about the MB issues. She said she didn't care about any of that, she just love her husband. Felt so good.



Edited by JustScott (02/29/08 10:38 AM)

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#208049 - 02/29/08 11:22 AM Re: Glacial pace [Re: JustScott]
BMF Offline


Registered: 01/27/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Toronto
Hi Scott,

Thanks for your reply. I too had a porn addiction, and self-medicated with obsessive MB (for many years it was 6 times a day). You have met my awesome wife, LJA, from the Friends and Family side. She's also mentioned to me how similar our situations seem.

How did you open your barriers ("break down my walls", as I would say)? That deals with the letting your wife in side, do you have any issues venturing into her heart?

BMF

_________________________
If a man's character is to be abused, say what you will, there's nobody like a relation to do the business.
- William Makepeace Thackery

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#208050 - 02/29/08 11:23 AM Re: Glacial pace [Re: JustScott]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey BMF, I just think the lack of replies is kind of an answer in itself. I couldn't really sit down and give you any answers to speed up the process.

I do understand you're frustration though, when I first started I actually thought "okay, tell my story a few times, get it out and in a few months I'll be right as rain". It hasn't quite worked out that way lol, but I will say that I'm certainly 1000 times better than I was when I started dealing with everything. In fact I'm probably feeling better than I've ever felt in my life.

Finding other survivors and becoming friends has probably made the most difference in my gains, it wasn't that I healed any faster but it did give me that ability to just be myself, warts and all. That kind of took the pressure off trying to become someone else quickly. Really it just gave me the insight to see all I really needed was to be myself to feel better. I think hiding who we are contributes so much to all those awful feelings.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#208071 - 02/29/08 01:44 PM Re: Glacial pace [Re: mogigo]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
for me, things seem actually to have moved quite fast, ---- sometimes too fast sinse my big crysis in november. One minute I was fine, in fact more than fine, i was more in love with someone than I'd been in five years for only the third time in my life, and for once I was entertaining the possibility that she might have feelings for me, and even resolving to get around my problem with physical contact and affection enough to hold her hand.

then, I'm completely shattered, in one of the worse states I've been for a very long time, experiencing really serious depression and lacitude. then, I'm trying to fix myself, coming to this site. I then disclose to friends, ----- one of whome, who is a trained rogerian counceler has helped me realize many things about myself and helped me think in several different ways, get used to the idea of going to see a therapist, ----- and on monday I'm seeing her.

I actually feel that things are moving really quickly, ---- sometimes a bit too fast. obviously counting the time sinse the things happened, and all those moments when I stil had really bad days, my various hang ups which I acknolidged I had even when I was thinking I was fine, it has been a long time. but recently things seem to be moving very fast. It's possible this will change, ---- I don't know, and certainly my issues about physical contact and compliments, and my problems with being loved and my desire for it are stil with me, so it might be that I'm at the start of a long journey, rather than part way through a short one.

I also realize that I'm being very wandering and contradictory here, and not making coherent posts at all, ----- reading what I say here it's entirely different to the way i write in other places, or talk in real life.


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#208092 - 02/29/08 04:01 PM Re: Glacial pace [Re: BMF]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
BMF,

I wanted to comment on this point first:

Originally Posted By: BMF
I guess this thread is a flop. Maybe people feel invalidated by my comments. If this is the case, I am truly sorry. Am I the only person feeling impatient with their own recovery?


I don't think others feel invalidated by you or are ignoring you. It's often very difficult to see why one thread takes off and another flops. I mean, hey, I have presided over some MAJOR crash-and-burn threads!!!! \:D And some I thought were pretty good ideas. Go figure.

Many times a guy will read but have no comment to make, or not know what to say, or think he will come back later, or in my case, just fail to see the thread right away. Usually it has nothing to do with how others regard the person starting the thread.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#208095 - 02/29/08 04:13 PM Re: Glacial pace [Re: roadrunner]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
I am with you BMF. I when I realized I COULD recover I started reading everything I could get my hands on. I ordered books and Started going to SA groups and other men's groups and went back to my T and eventually got another T to Fast track my recover. It has been good so far and me and the Wife are doing better. I have even responded to some of your wife's posts in Fand F I think. Hang in there it just seems slow sometimes because the things that change sometimes are not the things you are working on which is weird


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#208097 - 02/29/08 04:20 PM Re: Glacial pace [Re: BMF]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2590
Originally Posted By: BMF
Hi Scott,

Thanks for your reply. I too had a porn addiction, and self-medicated with obsessive MB (for many years it was 6 times a day). You have met my awesome wife, LJA, from the Friends and Family side. She's also mentioned to me how similar our situations seem.

How did you open your barriers ("break down my walls", as I would say)? That deals with the letting your wife in side, do you have any issues venturing into her heart?

BMF


It's been very hard. I just kinda decided I'd let her in, which was difficult in of itself. But my wife's love for me has really really helped. That safety has let it happen. Trust your wife. Let her in. That's all I did. I can't really tell you how I did it. One thing I did do, which made a huge difference, was verbally I gave myself to her. Literally told her that my body was now hers. Gave her ownership, rather than all the crap and people from my past.

As for venturing into her heart, I'm not sure if I have yet or not. I don't know. All this is so new to me.


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#208103 - 02/29/08 04:40 PM Re: Glacial pace [Re: JustScott]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Bmf, just to go on from what Larry said, I've found myself often reading threads but having no idea how I'm supposed to reply or what I should say, which is not usual for me at all.

also, in threads where people are being extremely open and it is obvious to me that they are feeling a lot of pain, my reaction is feeling a great deal of sympathy, but I don't know how to say anything useful or how to express my sympathy, so I just stay quiet.


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